How likely is it

[disorderedsociety]

That a replacement, someone who moved very fast into a relationship with a person previously diagnosed BPD, will have the knowledge and boundaries to handle being with them long-term? And how likely is it given their decision to have a child with the BPD-sufferer after a month of seeing each other?

I ask because I am thoroughly confused about my ex. She seemed like she had a lot of insight and awesomeness on one hand, and on the other she spent many nights in her own little world where I couldn't do anything to help. She told me it wasn't my fault but my co-dependence kept me around.

I realize we shouldn't have been more than friends to begin with and for that I blame myself, but there's got to be a larger pattern I'm missing here. I bring this up because I see her commenting and liking a mutual friend's statuses on Facebook and it drudges up all these feels.

I feel like I'm missing something. I can't put my finger on it. And it makes it worse that I see the replacement as more competent and mature. He's 3 years older sure, but there's got to be more to it than simple maturity, can't there be? Was I too immature to handle being with her? Was it my fault for not telling her I didn't want kids earlier?



I appreciate honest unbiased insight. I want to rid myself of this festering ball of negativity that makes my muscles tense and my body ache every day.

I've set goals and started socializing more and yes it feels good sometimes but I also feel like maybe I just wasn't good enough to handle that relationship.

[gameover]

And how likely is it given their decision to have a child with the BPD-sufferer after a month of seeing each other?

Wait, are you saying that your replacement got/is trying to get your ex pregnant?  And you're wondering if he has appropriate boundaries?  And feeling like he's "more competent and mature?" 

Bro, nothing says terrible boundaries, lack of competence, and nonexistent maturity like bringing a child into this world with someone you don't even know.  Sure, he might be able to 'handle' being with her long term--he'll have to; he's legally bound to her, at any rate, for the next 18 years.  And there's a chance that with the triangulation of the baby that the relationship'll last longer than it might otherwise.

But is that really what you want?  Imagine the entire honeymoon of your relationship taking care of a pregnant pwBPD... .Instead of even enjoying the good times, he'll be busting his ass to save money for cribs and strollers and planning baby showers.  Pretty much 9 months of nonstop stress.  Then it's waking up every 3 hours to tend to the baby for the next year or two (my sister has an eighth month old; trust me  ).

Was it my fault for not telling her I didn't want kids earlier?

No.  There's not a relationship on this earth that's worth bring children into this world to save or preserve.  Have kids because you want to and you're mentally, emotionally, and financially ready to be a parent.

[hopealways]

That a replacement, someone who moved very fast into a relationship with a person previously diagnosed BPD, will have the knowledge and boundaries to handle being with them long-term? And how likely is it given their decision to have a child with the BPD-sufferer after a month of seeing each other?

I ask because I am thoroughly confused about my ex. She seemed like she had a lot of insight and awesomeness on one hand, and on the other she spent many nights in her own little world where I couldn't do anything to help. She told me it wasn't my fault but my co-dependence kept me around.

I realize we shouldn't have been more than friends to begin with and for that I blame myself, but there's got to be a larger pattern I'm missing here. I bring this up because I see her commenting and liking a mutual friend's statuses on Facebook and it drudges up all these feels.

I feel like I'm missing something. I can't put my finger on it. And it makes it worse that I see the replacement as more competent and mature. He's 3 years older sure, but there's got to be more to it than simple maturity, can't there be? Was I too immature to handle being with her? Was it my fault for not telling her I didn't want kids earlier?



I appreciate honest unbiased insight. I want to rid myself of this festering ball of negativity that makes my muscles tense and my body ache every day.

I've set goals and started socializing more and yes it feels good sometimes but I also feel like maybe I just wasn't good enough to handle that relationship.

IN BOLD: these are typical BPD relationship patterns: the love bombing, impulsive decisions.  Let's have babies, lets get married, lets move in.

Your maturity was never the issue. NOBODY can deal with a BPD, not even their psychiatrists which is one of the reasons so little is known about BPD compared to other disorders. The concept of "boundaries" is one I disagree with.  Setting up boundaries with a borderline is a temporary fix. It will not cure them.  It will temporarily contain some of their acting out but they will always find ways to act out. They always set the bar higher for the non.

This new relationship of your ex will also run its course, guaranteed. Once the love bombing honeymoon stage is over the same patterns as she had with you will appear with the new guy.  He will either have to accept a life of suffering with her or move on.  But it will be one hell of a ride until he makes that decision!

[disorderedsociety]

Wait, are you saying that your replacement got/is trying to get your ex pregnant?  And you're wondering if he has appropriate boundaries?  And feeling like he's "more competent and mature?"  

Yes. She wanted another one when I was with her but my survival instincts said no. He told me about his previous relationship and its woes, how he acted like a child apparently during it and then when she started sending him pics of her ass he went for it. Lied to me about it too.

Bro, nothing says terrible boundaries, lack of competence, and nonexistent maturity like bringing a child into this world with someone you don't even know.  Sure, he might be able to 'handle' being with her long term--he'll have to; he's legally bound to her, at any rate, for the next 18 years.  And there's a chance that with the triangulation of the baby that the relationship'll last longer than it might otherwise.

That's what I thought. Like, he's a huge sucker. He even dated a girl previously that he knew had herpes and continued having sex with her unprotected. I was appalled, like hes some kind of masochist.

But is that really what you want?  Imagine the entire honeymoon of your relationship taking care of a pregnant pwBPD... .Instead of even enjoying the good times, he'll be busting his ass to save money for cribs and strollers and planning baby showers.  Pretty much 9 months of nonstop stress.  Then it's waking up every 3 hours to tend to the baby for the next year or two (my sister has an eighth month old; trust me  ).

Well, hell no. I want a girl that has her OWN thing going on. That respects herself, knows what she wants and is faithful. Because that's what I deserve. My ex has a mother (who she lives with) who is more than willing to live vicariously through the grandchildren and pay for a bunch of stuff. Granted she is the type to expect the man to take responsibility, and always pushed her daughter/my ex to find a "successful man" I don't think that'll last long considering hes a f-ing career pizza driver at age 25 for God's sake. I actually am 90% sure I know who my replacement's replacement is gonna be, and he makes more money, but is very co-dependent I believe. He had alcoholic parents and called me out of the blue one night to talk about it. Weird stuff.

No.  There's not a relationship on this earth that's worth bring children into this world to save or preserve.  Have kids because you want to and you're mentally, emotionally, and financially ready to be a parent.

I mean, I think even having kids in this day and age is a bit selfish considering all the orphans. I understand its a lengthy process to adopt, and I understand if a couple takes the time to decide if its the right decision, but this screams   . I guess I can't believe it. She wasn't as wise as I thought and certainly isn't a "humanitarian" like she likes to make herself out to be. As if she just wants what's best for everyone. I guess she was mirroring my own traits!

[disorderedsociety]

That a replacement, someone who moved very fast into a relationship with a person previously diagnosed BPD, will have the knowledge and boundaries to handle being with them long-term? And how likely is it given their decision to have a child with the BPD-sufferer after a month of seeing each other?

I ask because I am thoroughly confused about my ex. She seemed like she had a lot of insight and awesomeness on one hand, and on the other she spent many nights in her own little world where I couldn't do anything to help. She told me it wasn't my fault but my co-dependence kept me around.

I realize we shouldn't have been more than friends to begin with and for that I blame myself, but there's got to be a larger pattern I'm missing here. I bring this up because I see her commenting and liking a mutual friend's statuses on Facebook and it drudges up all these feels.

I feel like I'm missing something. I can't put my finger on it. And it makes it worse that I see the replacement as more competent and mature. He's 3 years older sure, but there's got to be more to it than simple maturity, can't there be? Was I too immature to handle being with her? Was it my fault for not telling her I didn't want kids earlier?



I appreciate honest unbiased insight. I want to rid myself of this festering ball of negativity that makes my muscles tense and my body ache every day.

I've set goals and started socializing more and yes it feels good sometimes but I also feel like maybe I just wasn't good enough to handle that relationship.

IN BOLD: these are typical BPD relationship patterns: the love bombing, impulsive decisions.  Let's have babies, lets get married, lets move in.

Your maturity was never the issue. NOBODY can deal with a BPD, not even their psychiatrists which is one of the reasons so little is known about BPD compared to other disorders. The concept of "boundaries" is one I disagree with.  Setting up boundaries with a borderline is a temporary fix. It will not cure them.  It will temporarily contain some of their acting out but they will always find ways to act out. They always set the bar higher for the non.

This new relationship of your ex will also run its course, guaranteed. Once the love bombing honeymoon stage is over the same patterns as she had with you will appear with the new guy.  He will either have to accept a life of suffering with her or move on.  But it will be one hell of a ride until he makes that decision!

Lol, well, another thing that comes up is doubting she actually had the disorder, and blaming myself for "bringing her down."

But I even had an email from her where she links me to info about BPD and is like, "you know I'll get better."

Yes, medication seemed to improve but only the symptoms. I don't think the underlying cause is wiped away just from medication and a few mindfulness exercises.

[enlighten me]

These feelings are all to common. There have been numerous threads on this.

Its perfectly natural to think you were to blame for the failure and to some extent we all were. We weren't equipped to deal with BPD. We did the best we could with the resources we had available. We thought it was a normal relationship so treat it like one.

I used to get worked up about my replacement doing better than me. The cracks have shown publicly on fb and there are rumours flying around that she's been cheating on him.

People don't change who they are unless they put in the effort.

If you want validation then wait and see how it plays out.

[FannyB]

DS

20 years ago my ex got 'engaged' to a guy she'd been seeing for a year. Next day they split because apparently they both agreed it was 'silly'. 1 week later she's dating a mate of his who she subsequently married and had kids with. I know from a source that this guy was seething, but he also probably questioned his self-worth too. 5 years on and she's still married, living in a big house, 2 kids,  4 holidays a year etc. They were the 'perfect couple' and no doubt the dumped ex was still confused and seething. Fast forward another 5 years and the marriage is over, the house is being sold, she's moved out and is dating guys online.

At that point the dumped guy is probably smiling and breathing a huge sigh of relief.  You can have short term victories with borderlines - but the long term prognosis is just pain, pain and more pain. 


Fanny