Would you have stayed as long as you did...

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

Would you have stayed as long as you did... .without the sex?

Would you be taking so long to get over it... .without the sex?

Just wondering what percentage of us got stuck for longer  just b/c of the sex?

I know this is true for me 

[ReclaimingMyLife]

Would you have stayed as long as you did... .without the sex?

Would you be taking so long to get over it... .without the sex?

Just wondering what percentage of us got stuck for longer  just b/c of the sex?

I know this is true for me 

[Schermarhorn]

Would you have stayed as long as you did... .without the sex?

Would you be taking so long to get over it... .without the sex?

Just wondering what percentage of us got stuck for longer  just b/c of the sex?

I know this is true for me 

I never had sex with my ex, but we were planning to when  she got back from her trip.

I feel she used the promise of sex to hook me in. When I first started dating her she said she was "saving herself". Once she went on her trip she started acting extremely promiscuous.

[tonkaster]

I'm in that category.

[13YearGoodbye]

I didn't leave until about a year after the sex stopped... .By the end, we weren't even showering together any more... .

[enlighten me]

For me the sex ended about 18 months before the relationship did.

[hurting300]

Well... .She had sex with me the very same day she disappeared.

[Pretty Woman]

We only had sex the first six months. To be honest, after she wigged out on me month three we only had it a handful of times. We probably had sex 10x max in four years.

The sex died when I became her surrogate parent and she mine. I am learning a LOT post relationship! I've learned my own mother is BPD and right now I am dealing with her charming me (blame, guilt, projection). I see ALL the signs and have errected boundaries to protect myself, to protect that little girl inside that was always ashamed and thought she was unworthy. I am taking care of that little girl NOW.

I realize I was looking for approval from a person who would never give me it (my mother). Same with my ex. I attracted my broken mother in a more violent and dangerous form.

Being in these relationships does help you grow... .if you can get past the rejection/abandonment issues we have. I still struggle with that but I am beginning to see it's not because I'm un-lovable. It's because they do not posess the capacity to love nor reciprocate love... .at least not adult, healthy love.

I think I stayed because the good part of her was her mirroring me. Overall I DO like myself. I am fun! I plan a lot of fun events and am social. I like doing things to make others smile. I enjoy giving. I also enjoy trusting and loyalty... .

two things I didn't get from my ex.

I stayed because I fell for the fantasy of what "could be" not what "really was". Now that the fog is clearing I can see I was just very stuck... .but I'm free now and learning a lot about myself and what I need to do to heal ME. It's no longer all about her. I can change/fix me and that's my goal.

PW

[SGraham]

I was only with my ex a few months and we didnt have sex... .so knowing what i know now that is probably a good thing.

[Gonzalo]

By the time I left, the sex was a negative in the relationship. It was infrequent and unpredictable - if we made plans to have a romantic evening, most of the time she would end up getting mad about something first. It was risky since there were times when I had sex, then later had it used as a justification for raging (apparently I was lying to her because I had a minor thing I wanted to talk about from an argument but didn't have it clear in my head, then waited one day to bring it up at our therapist). There was a lot of negative emotion tied up in it from all of the arguments and demands. And weird things like the way she'd complain about 'issues' to other people that she never even asked me about in the first place. Honestly, I had a better sex life flying solo after the breakup, because I at least didn't have to take her schedule into account for fap time.

What locked me in and is taking so long to get over was emotional connection and a desire to save her, as well as the idea that things would be wonderful if we could just fix a 'few' issues. While there was a good bit of fun stuff that we got up to, there wasn't much real intimacy in our sex life, and it definitely wasn't what hooked me in.

[Pretty Woman]

Sex is never "intimate" with a BPD. I think that's why it's used as a "hook" and then we never see it again or rarely. Many BPD's were sexually abused as children too. I don't think true intimacy is formed through that sexual bond with them.

[rotiroti]

Sex is never "intimate" with a BPD. I think that's why it's used as a "hook" and then we never see it again or rarely. Many BPD's were sexually abused as children too. I don't think true intimacy is formed through that sexual bond with them.

This is eerily true. I've been far along the path of detachment to see this for what it was. I think I was in denial thinking that the intense/crazy sex was intimate

[Darsha500]

Sex was a huge issue in my relationship. At one point my ex told me that she wanted to wait till marriage, and admitted that it may have been a manipulation tactic. After our first sexual encounter she had a melt down which resulted in our first breakup. After getting back together, sexual activities triggered her and she claimed she couldn't spend alone time with me anymore. That did not last. After our second break up, she tried to reel me back in by sending me nudes. And upon our reunion sex was no longer a trigger. She used it to get me back and keep me around, I'm thinking.

I think that grieving the loss of sex doesn't really add weight to the grieving process as a whole. And part of me thinks I wouldn't have been willing to put up with as much as i did without sex.

[LonelyChild]

Sex is never "intimate" with a BPD. I think that's why it's used as a "hook" and then we never see it again or rarely. Many BPD's were sexually abused as children too. I don't think true intimacy is formed through that sexual bond with them.

I second this. It might be intimate to you, but for a pwBPD, sex is absolutely not intimate. Many of them are VERY promiscuous, prostitutes, have been sexually abused as children etc.

[rotiroti]

Sex is never "intimate" with a BPD. I think that's why it's used as a "hook" and then we never see it again or rarely. Many BPD's were sexually abused as children too. I don't think true intimacy is formed through that sexual bond with them.

I second this. It might be intimate to you, but for a pwBPD, sex is absolutely not intimate. Many of them are VERY promiscuous, prostitutes, have been sexually abused as children etc.

I know we shouldn't generalize, but mine was all 3.

Which sounds even more ridiculous looking back... .

[Pretty Woman]

Rotiroti,

     

PW

[Tangy]

I think this could be part of the reason I stayed so long... .I was so so so physically attracted to him and we had really good chemistry... .although our sexual relationship was weird

Phase 1 honeymoon (intense feelings and intense sex)

Phase 2 move in (started fighting a lot... .less sex)

Phase 3 engaged (still fighting a lot... .less sex)

Phase 4 me getting healthier him wanting to leave (a lot of sex)

Phase 5 him actually leaving... .a lot a lot of sex

I stayed because I fell for the ol' if I dump him he'll change and become the perfect guy for someone else. So not only will they get the sex they will get superhusband... .

Well he ended up leaving me anyways and 2 months out of the FOG I still worry about him randomly transforming... .but I'm becoming more in tune with the fact that it wasn't me and he likely will never change.

[Anise]

There was sex?

Just kidding.  It was very intense starting out, although he hooked me in by not being as forward as most men are and let things go at the pace that was comfortable for me.

I moved in at 3 months, things were still great. We got engaged, things were still great. Somewhere in planning the wedding we ran into some issues, he got really stressed out at work, our sex life suffered, he had a skin rash that his dumb doctor prescribed prednisone for (had ED as a side effect, we didn't understand it until almost a year later), sex life really suffered even though I was as supportive and caring as I could be.  By the time we got married we maybe had sex once a week, once every two weeks, if we were lucky.  I thought maybe he was stressed out by the wedding planning, even though I practically planned the whole thing to give him the wedding he said he wanted. (We were supposed to plan it together)

Honeymoon, three times in ten days. I was super disappointed.  Especially since I'm usually the high drive person, and he had sold himself as having a matching sex drive.  I spent the first year of the marriage practically begging him every night to have sex with me, and getting told that he was too tired, wanted to watch the game, or my timing "was off".  I gave up trying to get him interested in me, and realized then that he would never initiate.  Went to a marriage counselor, he freaked out at the idea of doing something romantic for me like scatter rose petals on the bed.  Now that I've figured out what's wrong, we haven't had sex since May this year.  I told him I would be happy to have sex with him if he initiates.  Of course he blames us not having sex on me.   

I'm very sad and disappointed he didn't take me seriously when I said I wanted to have kids. He got offended when I asked him if he assumed we would get a visit from a stork.  He says he wants kids with me, and that he wants to have sex with me, but doesn't ever want to do anything to put me in the mood or initiate.  Yuck.

[repititionqueen]

Would you have stayed as long as you did... .without the sex?

Would you be taking so long to get over it... .without the sex?

Just wondering what percentage of us got stuck for longer  just b/c of the sex?

I know this is true for me 

My last relationship especially, I stayed because of the sex. I also flat out told him it was all he was good for at the end. He wanted to stay friends and I wanted his toxicity out of my life! It was a huge part of why I justified the relationship... .

[Tangy]

Would you have stayed as long as you did... .without the sex?

Would you be taking so long to get over it... .without the sex?

Just wondering what percentage of us got stuck for longer  just b/c of the sex?

I know this is true for me 

My last relationship especially, I stayed because of the sex. I also flat out told him it was all he was good for at the end. He wanted to stay friends and I wanted his toxicity out of my life! It was a huge part of why I justified the relationship... .

There were so many so many times I've wanted to say this since he hurt me this last time. I've wanted to say it because I know it would hurt him. But deep down when I'm in the spirit of love, even with everything he's done, I wouldn't want to hurt him. But it has been so so tempting... .

[Suspicious1]

Sex is never "intimate" with a BPD. I think that's why it's used as a "hook" and then we never see it again or rarely.

That was my experience. He hooked me in with all sorts of promises but never really delivered on them. He did make a bit of an effort in the first few months, but after that I was lucky if we had sex once a month. He was clearly squeamish about the whole thing and could come up with no end of excuses that made me feel like a sex-pest for needing intimacy. It was actually by far the most sexually frustrating relationship of my life.

[Pretty Woman]

I actually felt more intimacy NOT having sex with her. I felt sex with her was very mechanical. She liked to brag she was in a BDSM group and a dominatrix so it would be shoving me face down into a pillow and pulling my hair... .

intriquing at first and then just plain weird. I wasn't into it. There was 0 love involved... .ever. No cuddling ever. It was pretty much her getting off and then it was over.

I felt the loving times were us walking around a koi pond at a nature preserve and feeding them. Afterwards we went to a pet shop and ended up getting a puppy I named after the fish.  I remember us sitting there as the puppy licked my face and we were so happy, holding hands on the way home over our new baby.

I think our lack of sex is what kept her around longer. A part of me feels like she felt "something" for me, a genuine fondness she didn't have for the others. We have two tattoos together. She does have one other from an ex she has run back to many times.  Part of me feels like I might have been the strongest connection... .and trigger to date.

When she left she just left and within weeks this new person is the love of her life. She actually brought my replacement to a going away party for a friend of ours... .while I was in Mexico, sad and depressed... .a trip we were supposed to be on.

The cruel discard and acting like you meant nothing... .that is what hurts the most. I really try not to take it personal, knowing others will suffer the same while I recover and move on. Still, it's hard.

[Gonzalo]

I moved in at 3 months, things were still great. We got engaged, things were still great. Somewhere in planning the wedding we ran into some issues, he got really stressed out at work, our sex life suffered, he had a skin rash that his dumb doctor prescribed prednisone for (had ED as a side effect, we didn't understand it until almost a year later), sex life really suffered even though I was as supportive and caring as I could be. 

Interestingly, I started having ED I think because of the general stress of dealing with the relationship and specific anxiety related to her treatment of me. She did not want to hear that I wanted to try to let things calm down before going on drugs for it or that I thought it was probably psychological, instead she insisted that if I didn't go to the doctor and get Viagra right away it meant I just didn't care about our relationship. Like shouting and screaming at me that I clearly didn't do enough in the relationship. Also, it wasn't like she was feeling frisky and I was saying 'nah, I'll just play games instead' or otherwise leaving her high and dry. There are a lot of fun activities you can get up to that don't center require PIV sex, and I have no problem with doing them.

Later on I did try a med for it, and while it helped with ED, I still had a hard time getting off, probably because of all of the stress, fear, worry, etc. She still seemed disinterested, and didn't really seem to care that I did what she wanted. She would also have seriously weird behaviors like 'Oh, your package looks so much bigger now that you're taking that', 'well, lets see just how big it can get after dinner tonight', 'Excuse me? I was just making an observation. I can't believe that you would think me commenting on your package looking large was some kind of come on, my god I'm certainly not in the mood for that!'. That's one of the things that really helped my head realize she was disordered, there's something broken when you make a directly sexual compliment at a partner and don't mean to express any kind of interest at all.

(I also realize now that someone telling me that they get to make a significant medical decision for me is a SERIOUSLY HUGE boundary violation that I should not have just been somewhat bothered by.)

[Pretty Woman]

Gonzolo,

   My drive has always been low and I feel like this relationship killed it. I really had no interest. I've had sex after this and still... .no interest. My ex didn't complain until right before replacing me where she told everyone I was only her friend and we were never in a relationship.

She downplayed us so much it's like I never meant anything.

[cj488]

Three borderlines - three different sexual experiences.

The first: the sex WAS the relationship, and we used it as the anchor for everything. She was very multi-orgasmic, and used it as a hold over me and all her former boyfriends (they never forgot how hot she is), definitely part of the seduction and control plan. Best part? It was continuous for years and years. But was it truly intimate? In retrospect I feel/think not.

The second: sex was promised, dangled, teased, but never, ever delivered. Gorgeous but completely frozen. Then she did the same to every guy she met, even right in front of me. Crazy-making, insane.

The third: sex was amazing, beautiful, wonderful the month, but once I fully committed to the relationship, it became a chamber of horrors, something to be withheld, even tortured about, interested BDSM more than love, sex was just part of the seduction and control plan. Once I said, "No more of this," she was gone. She was only interested in the chase, never in the capture.

[balletomane]

Sex is never "intimate" with a BPD. I think that's why it's used as a "hook" and then we never see it again or rarely. Many BPD's were sexually abused as children too. I don't think true intimacy is formed through that sexual bond with them.

My experience was different. My ex had never been abused sexually as a child (he was as an adult - he puts himself in risky situations, I think because he wants to feel loved) and the emotional component of sex was very important for him. We did not sleep together often but when we did it was an emotional experience for both of us, until the last six weeks or so before my replacement came along, when suddenly it felt as though he was no longer there. This is why sexuality has become such a triggering area for me - I was emotionally vulnerable to someone, and then I basically got thrown out. If the sex had felt meaningless all the way through maybe the memory wouldn't hurt so much. Sometimes I have to fight back memories of him showing love and affection in those moments because otherwise the contrast just hurts to the point where I start wondering dazedly how this pain level is even possible.

[findingmyselfagain]

A good question... .I'd have to say it wasn't the only thing, but if it wasn't for the sex it's pretty likely I would've left way before we got engaged (about 4 months in... .I was in love!).

I grew up in a religious family so sex was something reserved for marriage. I had waited for 30 years intending to wait for the honeymoon. She pushed me so hard to give it up to her and it seemed like it was a big part of her feeling desired and self-worth. She could really play the poor me/my ex's were terrible to me really well. I fell for it and thought she was genuinely looking for a better r/s. For her, If I wasn't having sex with her it meant that she wasn't attractive. We had sex regularly up until after our wedding shower. Then she acted really strangely before she "hung out" with one of her male co-workers... .who she ended up dating as par for the course, of course. The sex was bad that week and it never happened again.

Other than sex, she did get really upset and angry about things I couldn't figure out... .well beyond anything reasonable. We seemed to hit an upswing and the sex was consistent so it was a shock when it ended.

Since I valued sex so much as an act of love, I thought she really had to be committed to me and that she valued our relationship. It left me pretty heart-broken when it all ended so suddenly and with such drama. I'm over it now, but it took A WHILE. These days I wouldn't go near someone who hadn't been divorced (2x at the age of 24 for her) for at least 2 years and I MOVE SLOW.