How are you feeling?

[Lifewriter16]

Today is Day 7 of no-contact. I've been here before a number of times because we've had eight breakups, but the thing that is different this time (and that makes it harder), is that I now know that I can't go back and I'm having to be strong. Resisting myself is causing me a great deal of conflict. However, I've just read a post on another thread that has reminded me to be kind to myself and stop the Lifewriter-bashing that I've been doing recently. I'm sad, but not crushed (unlike yesterday).

Love Lifewriter

[DaKid]

Hey everyone,

Just a status update... .You can read my story in a prior post.  Today it has been one month since the breakup with my BPDgf.  Like many others, I was abruptly painted black as night... .Literally a week after discussing rings, wedding ideas, etc.

The past month has hands down been the hardest of my life.  I have had zero contact but have to admit that is due to her.  In moments of weekness I have texted her but have never had any sort of response.  For all I know the messages are blocked on her end.  Strangely it has been therapeutic in a way to be able to have a one way conversation... .Quite similar to writing a letter you do not send.

I have worked my ass off the past month to heal and try to release her.  Used the forum resources, three books, and my therapist.  Day to day it is better.  For the first two weeks I was a wreck... .In tears and anguish constantly.  These days I go through the day generally okay... .But triggers, songs, etc. can still bring up the pain and longing surprisingly quickly... .And with surprising intensity.  I feel ridiculous that I still love and miss this woman after all she did to me and my family.

I understand that some element of it all is likely trauma bonding.  But our relationship was 90-95 percent good and the balance bad (admittedly the bad was pretty bad).  Unlike others, when we were good there was an emotional intimacy that was insanely strong and emotional.  Losing that sort of donedtion left a very large and raw whole in my heart and soul.

She was... .Is... An incredibly special and talented woman.  But also one who has a serious issue.  Tragic as that is... .I am working to accept that I cannot seek help for her... .And she does not want me in her life anyway.  No doubt I have been replaced by now anyway.  I prefer not to think about that.

So for others in the first days... .It does get better.  But it is still difficult.

And for everyone... .This forum has been a godsend... .Dont know what I would do otherwise.  Thank you for the support and for sharing your stories.

This one was almost like reading my mind. I agree. This forum has been a huge help.

[whitebackatcha]

 Unlike others, when we were good there was an emotional intimacy that was insanely strong and emotional.  Losing that sort of donedtion left a very large and raw whole in my heart and soul.

She was... .Is... An incredibly special and talented woman.  But also one who has a serious issue.  Tragic as that is... .I am working to accept that I cannot seek help for her... .And she does not want me in her life anyway.

Yep. All of this. Mine was a long distance relationship. The first time we met, it was so natural, so intimate. When we were in our groove, or really, when she wasn't caught up in negativity, it felt like we were meant to be together. I've never experiences anything like it before. And she threw that away rather than address her side of things. It's heartbreaking for me, and when I think of her future like this, it seems so bleak.

[Corgicuddler95]

I've been feeling notably better the last few days.

I got some closure finally (2 months late) on Sunday only for my ex to turn around and say she never wants to hear from me again the next day. Frankly I feel free, I know there's nothing I can do so I might as well move on.

Seriously my main concern at this point is how it has or will affect our mutual friends.

[klacey3]

I feel really angry. My ex said and did things to deliberately hurt me. I got an email a few days ago from him telling me that his friends had a massive b___ing session about me and he didnt know whether to be happy or sad about it. He is always saying things for no other reason than to upset me. I dont cry everyday anymore or feel my blood boiling but I have dreams about punching him for the way he treated me.

I also feel small and devalued. I suppose im bound to after all the times I cried and explained to him that he was upsetting me he would either deflect and change the subject or insult me. I was never heard.

[scgator]

I feel really angry. My ex said and did things to deliberately hurt me. I got an email a few days ago from him telling me that his friends had a massive b___ing session about me and he didnt know whether to be happy or sad about it. He is always saying things for no other reason than to upset me. I dont cry everyday anymore or feel my blood boiling but I have dreams about punching him for the way he treated me.

I also feel small and devalued. I suppose im bound to after all the times I cried and explained to him that he was upsetting me he would either deflect and change the subject or insult me. I was never heard.

Klacey, I could have typed all that myself. I see now that there were lots of things done deliberately, just to hurt me. During the first crazy-making session she begged me to admit to cheating, said I had to save her by saying it, she said just make it up to "save her." This was probably one of if not the most intense situations I have ever been in. There was physical violence from her end toward herself and me. I nearly called the police. When I wouldn't lie to her she said the woman I loved was dead, I'd killed her, it was heart-breaking. And eventually, as sad as this is to admit, as the event went on she made me feel so horrible and guilty that to "save her" I told her I did cheat. But then I couldn't fill in the details she wanted, because I was making it up to appease her. I immediately regretted it and said I can't lie about something I didn't do. This was before I found this site and I had never heard of BPD.

I know she's told her friends and family that I admitted to cheating. I really can't believe what I let myself be put through. I knew better and am ashamed to have done that. I was angry with her, but really I was very angry with myself.

Also I used to tell her that she never listened to a word I said. She would say she remembered everything I ever said, but looking back, I see she only heard the parts that reinforced her version reality.

It may not feel like it but anger is good, it's part of the grieving process. I think I'm at acceptance now, thank God.

[toddinrochester]

I read these posts and it really was different for me. There was no physical abuse no yelling. None of that. I met her, I fell in love fast , and she was everything I wanted. I have never felt that good before in my life and then suddenly it was all taken from me one day under false claims. I might have gotten an hours sleep last night and I feel a little empty inside. I after reading this thread did call my therapist and leave a message that I need to get back in. I really wish I had some horror stories that would give me some firm ground, but I don't have that. I only have what I thought was the one and we cycled through everything incredibly fast and I am sitting here gutted almost a month later. Anyhow! How about that baseball game last night? 

[Tangy]

I really wish I had some horror stories that would give me some firm ground, but I don't have that. I only have what I thought was the one and we cycled through everything incredibly fast and I am sitting here gutted almost a month later.

I can totally relate to this. But there is something inside of you that knows what happened wasn't right. When I talk with my friends that are in healthy relationships... .when they have problems they work through them... .they talk... .they have healthy attachment that keeps them working TOGETHER. No one just disappears... .flies off (I don't mean like yelling or anything... .but like physically flies off), breaks promises without remorse or the decency of a conversation... .I just wanted to validate this for you.

[coldmist]

I feel great today. I finally got answers to two things that I've been wondering about ever since my exBPDgf discarded me and her stalking me suddenly stopped a few months ago. I've already been replaced with her next victim and they are currently in the love bomb stage. She had also moved back in with her parents because she couldn't support herself on her own.

Six months ago my ex was working as a restaurant server and engaged to a different guy she had been with for two years (I was the planned replacement until she split me black) with her own place. Now she's working as a janitor for her parents' company and living with them. Her disorder and impulsiveness are what led her to where she's at now. She's far more low functioning than I had realized.

I blocked my ex and everyone close to her on Facebook recently too. That felt awesome.

[toddinrochester]

Sometimes I read these posts and I wonder if its one of her exes writing the post. Cold mist, the part about her moving back with her parents is what my exwBPD just did also. Sometimes my heart stops for a minute when I read and then the rest of the story doesn't match up and I go on breathing normally.