How are you feeling?

[Depression = 72% of members]

The only other time I've really used a forum regularly, there were some threads that were always active and repeatedly posted on because the question posed could be answered everyday. So I'm curious, in a few words, what is everyone feeling today?

Today I am angry... .Today is 60 days NC. It feels like a lifetime ago. I feel like I don't know him... .like he's a stranger... .like he's irrelevant to my life... .and that he chose to be all of these things... .and for that I am angry.

Anyone else?

[Tangy]

The only other time I've really used a forum regularly, there were some threads that were always active and repeatedly posted on because the question posed could be answered everyday. So I'm curious, in a few words, what is everyone feeling today?

Today I am angry... .Today is 60 days NC. It feels like a lifetime ago. I feel like I don't know him... .like he's a stranger... .like he's irrelevant to my life... .and that he chose to be all of these things... .and for that I am angry.

Anyone else?

[hopealways]

65 days of NC and today I felt exactly like you: ANGRY! Angry that I gave so much but felt so irrelevant. Angry that she will not get help. Angry that she never tried. Angry that I wasted 3.5 years of my life.

But angry is the last step before acceptance. So I hope to get to that last stage of acceptance soon... .thanks for sharing.

[Michelle27]

I am both angry and relieved.  Relieved because I finally called it quits for good 3 months ago (after 3 months of a "therapeutic separation" and I no longer live in that daily stress and anxiety that I did for most of a decade.  Angry that my ex is pulling all kinds of crap... .bouncing child support payments and his car insurance payment so the bank slid it from my account (both joint accounts), that he called the police claiming I'm threatening him (um, I've had no contact with him for 3 months), that he spent all of 5.5 hours of time with our daughter in the 3 months we've been separated (and not contacted her directly for over a month now) AND, as I discovered today, reported me to social services with completely made up stuff and now I'll have a home visit next week.  I know the home visit will yield nothing, but what a PITA.  In the past 3 months, he's been also seen stalking me.  Nothing I can actually prove or have him arrested for but still annoying and stressful, although not nearly as stressful as the old days of walking on eggshells.  My home is finally safe (I changed the locks when he moved out) and that is HUGE.

[SGraham]

Im angry at her friends for alienating me, i guess i would be mad at her but it is more like anger at the disease and anger at the universe. I've been at college for a few days now, classes start tomorrow so i guess i will see how that goes. Lately i have felt pretty lonely, i quite by chance ended up talking to a nice girl for like two hours while drinking coffe on my second day. We have hung out a few times since and even tho she is just a friend, i am already paranoid and trying to read BPD into her traits and actions. Anyways, that is why i feel lonely, it is as if i see everyone as either a pwBPD or someone who wont understand and be judhemental. I am constantly around people I often feel like i am an island. 

[Duder]

I feel strong and at peace. Enjoying life on my own. NC since January.it definitely gets better.

[gameover]

I'm feeling good.  Got angry for a couple days earlier this week (it's easy to forget about BPD and to think of my exgf in terms of the person I thought she was).  But it's like being mad at a projection--I helped created who she seemed like she was for me.  That passed.  I still get sad from time to time.  That passes too.

A little bit baffled today--I got No Contacted by my ex  .  Blocked on FB and Instagram.  Seems kinda random, given the time frame and the nature of our b/u--I thought we'd be able to maintain a 'casual friends from a distance' type relationship.  But I guess she doesn't know that I know about the replacement and needs to make room for him on her social media.  I'm not sure if she did it as a way to get my attention, or if she's angry at me, or if she's trying to keep things clean for a future recycle attempt.  But it's hard to take anything she does personal anymore--more curiosity than emotional enmeshment.

[repititionqueen]

Thanks for asking 

Over a year and a half no contact.

I'm feeling sad. Sad that he found enough lacking with me that he fell more in love with my replacement. I've been in so much denial about their relationship and keep telling myself that he'll realize he misses me but I think he is happy with my replacement. They are probably very compatible and I'm not going to get the chance I've been holding onto that we will get back together some day. I can't believe after all this time I'm still crying about it.

I can't get him out of my thoughts and my dreams.

I hate when you have those dreams that stick with you all day... .I feel like I'm allowing myself to live in a fantasy world sometimes and now I'm giving myself a reality check... .he's moved on.

[greenmonkey]

Just passed 10 months strict no contact - in 6 weeks it will be one year since I threw her out - I feel good and I know I made the right decision. I tried to end it in a friendly way but it led to start to damaging my property and letting my 2 dogs out in the street in the first few days after agreeing she should go.

She is stalking me, the police are involved. She is also cyber stalking my daughter. My house has full CCTV and she is being investigated for various types of fraud.

My mental health is so much better, there is calm and tranquility in the house, my dogs can relax and go to their bed and chill out. There is no mess, no filthy washing lying around, rotting food in the fridge. My quality of life has improved 100 fold. All I need is this little blip to go away and then I can properly move on.

It does get better, and easier just stick with it. Nothing will ever let me go near bat **** crazy again, the red flags will not be ignored and I know I can't make anyone happy, it needs to come from within and part of that is you need to love yourself first before being capable of loving anyone else.

[Corgicuddler95]

I don't feel so good but thanks for asking anyway.

Had to break no contact at social thing yesterday (after two months of NC) and got treated like I was amoung the least important people to her in the room even after a year and a half relationship where she told me she loved me and wanted to get married etc

[Tangy]

Yes, I'm glad to see the replies. I feel like this could easily be renamed "the venting thread" so that each day if you have nowhere to put your thoughts you could put them here.

So reading the above I see the themes that are to be expected, ranging from anger, hurt, relief, sadness, projecting feelings, etc... .But the one thing I continue to notice is our common experience, and I just want to say thank you so much to everyone here for being kind and supportive.

This morning I am feeling like there is still a lot of anger/negative feelings toward myself that I'm not fully feeling, but I know it's there. It's the same types of feelings that allowed me to put up with and stay with someone that treated me so poorly. Sort of like a defective feeling within. It's less present these days as it used to be my dominant belief about myself from which I operated from. These days it's much better, but I can feel it that there is still a little bit more in there wanting to sabotage me. I think it gets reinforced by the fact that he hasn't contacted me.

Thanks for asking 


I can't get him out of my thoughts and my dreams.

I hate when you have those dreams that stick with you all day... .I feel like I'm allowing myself to live in a fantasy world sometimes and now I'm giving myself a reality check... .he's moved on.

i, like you had a replacement... .actually she was part of the breakup... .so... .I often wonder when it's going to fall apart and he'll come running back. But the truth is, after two months I don't know if he will... .or starting to think I don't care if he will... .I feel like the only reason I want him back is for ego validation, and I think I need a better way to get that (within self). And the only person I'm in love with is the guy who he could be sometimes... .which is the guy I deluded myself into believing he was all the time... .and so yeah... .I know he might be treating my replacement with all that goodness... .and let's pretend for just a moment that he is nice guy all the time... .he still treated another human being (me... .) horribly... .so I don't think that says a lot about his character or ability to be happy with someone else. What about your situation.

But for everyone else, please feel free to keep posting how you feel. I think it is therapeutic to get it out!

[Michelle27]

My 2nd reply on this thread.  This morning, I feel more at peace.  I had my last appointment with my counselor last night and it was awesome to talk about everything that's been going on this past week with her.  We also talked about the progress I've made since I first started seeing her and she expressed pride in how far I've come.  When I thanked her, she refused to take any credit and said it was all me.  She read back through her notes on my file from appointments since last December and it was so evident that I was deep in the FOG for a long time.  I expressed my disappointment in myself for not seeing things as they were for so long.  I have 2 university degrees and work in a professional job for over 20 years.  I'm not dumb, but certainly feel stupid for what I allowed for so long.  She reminded me of the story of the frog on the stove.  If you put a frog in a pot of cold water on the stove and then heat the water, the frog doesn't jump out.  He dies when it gets hot but the gradual temperature change doesn't cause him to get out.  That's a perfect description of the relationship with a pwBPD and how many of us nons stay far longer than is healthy for us. 

She reminded me that I'm on a good path, and I intend to stay on that path.

[scgator]

I feel strong and at peace. Enjoying life on my own. NC since January.it definitely gets better.

Thanks for asking - and it seems we all go through the same things just at different rates. I'm currently feeling pretty close to Duder. It's been about 9 weeks since I've seen her. A couple of weeks since I've heard from her. I have never initiated contact and have stayed off of social media. I do still avoid her part of town because I really just don't want to see her at all and don't want to deal with a random encounter. Maybe that's still her controlling me but in my mind, if I'm this far along the tight wire of recovering why do anything to knock myself off?

I've come to grips that the heartbreak I've felt with her is from my FOO. I've been heartbroken for as long as I can remember and just tried to cover it with bad relationship choices. There was a good bit of grief associated with that realization and there may be more to come but the random break downs have gotten fewer and fewer. Yesterday would have been 1 year since I met her and I thought of her a lot yesterday - then went out to a meetup group I've never been too, met some new people, watched a movie sitting next to a woman I found attractive and had a great time. Living my life - well, learning how to live my own life - has been the best medicine possible. I only occasionally miss the fantasy rs now, no longer fantasize about her sexually and meeting new people who treat me with respect has really helped lift the fog. I tell people I am living on the edge of my comfort zone - and I'm actually enjoying it! - there's the random regret for not doing this decades ago but better late than never. I see her now as a catalyst for change, someone I will always be thankful to have met because it forced ME to change.

Hang in there everyone. It does get better.

[Polis_Ohio]

I cry every morning, 3 months on. I miss my wife and step-son; she led me on a roller coaster of emotions, giving me hope then dashing it, replacing me then being dumped. She couldn't be around me without being weird, mean and lashing out. She was severely depressed, trying to fill her loneliness with internet dates. Now she claims she does not love me and is falling for yet another guy, at least as of three weeks ago.

I wish we could just be around each other and see what happens but she is/has filing/filed our dissolution papers. I am unsure she hasn't told me.

[Tangy]

My 2nd reply on this thread.  This morning, I feel more at peace.  I had my last appointment with my counselor last night and it was awesome to talk about everything that's been going on this past week with her.  We also talked about the progress I've made since I first started seeing her and she expressed pride in how far I've come.  When I thanked her, she refused to take any credit and said it was all me.  She read back through her notes on my file from appointments since last December and it was so evident that I was deep in the FOG for a long time.  I expressed my disappointment in myself for not seeing things as they were for so long.  I have 2 university degrees and work in a professional job for over 20 years.  I'm not dumb, but certainly feel stupid for what I allowed for so long.  She reminded me of the story of the frog on the stove.  If you put a frog in a pot of cold water on the stove and then heat the water, the frog doesn't jump out.  He dies when it gets hot but the gradual temperature change doesn't cause him to get out.  That's a perfect description of the relationship with a pwBPD and how many of us nons stay far longer than is healthy for us. 

She reminded me that I'm on a good path, and I intend to stay on that path.

I totally understand this. I am finishing my master's in december. I'm not sure that everyday intelligence is any match for the heart. We fall in love with those that are best designed to help us grow... .and we can only stay together if both parties want to face themselves and grow... .otherwise we end up... .how must of us on the leaving board have ended up... .one of us growing and the other going their own way but ultimately likely to repeat their same patterns elsewhere.

I am glad you are more at peace this morning.

[Tangy]

I cry every morning, 3 months on. I miss my wife and step-son; she led me on a roller coaster of emotions, giving me hope then dashing it, replacing me then being dumped. She couldn't be around me without being weird, mean and lashing out. She was severely depressed, trying to fill her loneliness with internet dates. Now she claims she does not love me and is falling for yet another guy, at least as of three weeks ago.

I wish we could just be around each other and see what happens but she is/has filing/filed our dissolution papers. I am unsure she hasn't told me.

It's okay to cry every morning. That means there is a lot in there to get out. In the past week, I have probably cried 4 out of 7 days. Sometimes I wonder if being so busy is such a good thing... .because some days I have so much to do, I don't even have time to think about stuff... .and I wonder if my busy is masking my true feelings... .i wonder this also because on days where I have nowhere to go and I end up at home for a full day alone, I usually end up crying deeply... .Feeling the loneliness inside.

I'm sorry you are going through so much pain right now.

[Tangy]

I feel strong and at peace. Enjoying life on my own. NC since January.it definitely gets better.

Thanks for asking - and it seems we all go through the same things just at different rates. I'm currently feeling pretty close to Duder. It's been about 9 weeks since I've seen her. A couple of weeks since I've heard from her. I have never initiated contact and have stayed off of social media. I do still avoid her part of town because I really just don't want to see her at all and don't want to deal with a random encounter. Maybe that's still her controlling me but in my mind, if I'm this far along the tight wire of recovering why do anything to knock myself off?

I've come to grips that the heartbreak I've felt with her is from my FOO. I've been heartbroken for as long as I can remember and just tried to cover it with bad relationship choices. There was a good bit of grief associated with that realization and there may be more to come but the random break downs have gotten fewer and fewer. Yesterday would have been 1 year since I met her and I thought of her a lot yesterday - then went out to a meetup group I've never been too, met some new people, watched a movie sitting next to a woman I found attractive and had a great time. Living my life - well, learning how to live my own life - has been the best medicine possible. I only occasionally miss the fantasy rs now, no longer fantasize about her sexually and meeting new people who treat me with respect has really helped lift the fog. I tell people I am living on the edge of my comfort zone - and I'm actually enjoying it! - there's the random regret for not doing this decades ago but better late than never. I see her now as a catalyst for change, someone I will always be thankful to have met because it forced ME to change.

Hang in there everyone. It does get better.

I feel like I could have written every part of this post. I have logged on to facebook a total of 5 times in 2 months... .and of those 5 times not once have I scrolled a news feed. Too afraid of what I might accidentally see. Some mutual friends were teasing me about it on Saturday saying... .literally... .he has posted nothing... .so maybe he's in the same boat I don't know. I always say he's with my replacement... .but the truth is I don't know that... .I just tell myself that to assume he's with her rather than to live in false hope he's coming back. (But I don't really think I want him back now... .I know its an illusion/delusion to think it could be anything other than what it has always been). But I also avoid places I know he likes to go like the plague... .I don't even want to go see my grandparents because they live in the same town as him... .Just too many memories after 3.5 years... .trying to build a new life without a trace of him... .

[scgator]

I feel like I could have written every part of this post. I have logged on to facebook a total of 5 times in 2 months... .and of those 5 times not once have I scrolled a news feed. Too afraid of what I might accidentally see. Some mutual friends were teasing me about it on Saturday saying... .literally... .he has posted nothing... .so maybe he's in the same boat I don't know. I always say he's with my replacement... .but the truth is I don't know that... .I just tell myself that to assume he's with her rather than to live in false hope he's coming back. (But I don't really think I want him back now... .I know its an illusion/delusion to think it could be anything other than what it has always been). But I also avoid places I know he likes to go like the plague... .I don't even want to go see my grandparents because they live in the same town as him... .Just too many memories after 3.5 years... .trying to build a new life without a trace of him... .

I'm not friends with my ex on fb but avoid it just so I don't check up on her or even have to fight the temptation. I can imagine what she's up to but really, to me, what's the point? I've decided - well, ok, my body decided through anxiety, depression, fear and sudden weight loss - that I can't be with her. It's funny how a couple people who know me don't understand the desire to avoid running into her -like you, I avoid those places like the plague. They just don't get it. But I do and finally I don't really care what anyone else thinks. If friends are going to a bar on her side of town then I'm not, it's that easy.

I dealt with the loneliness too. A lot. I live in a place where I didn't grow up so no old high school or college friends are around, I have no family within 400 miles and we're not all that close anyway. Some work acquaintances think doing the meetup thing is weird but I don't care anymore, it's my life and for once it's been personally rewarding. I have to meet new people and being accepted by strangers has been somehow enlightening. I found myself chatting with a waiter today while waiting for a table, just making small talk and laughing - this is so out of character for who I was it was eye-opening for me, I'm changing.

I had to confront my loneliness head-on though. For me it was coming to terms with the issues from my FOO, finding out what I like to do, what I want to do with MY life, and really just falling in love with myself as a human being. Once out of the fog, this became a bit easier and then much easier once I faced reality; I am alone. I've always been alone, deep down. I've always run from myself. And so I've stopped and sometimes just take in all the loneliness and accept it, then move on to something else. Like I said, there were and still are random times when I break down - sometimes uncontrollably, but I let it all out knowing that's grief and anger at my family. No one helped me when I was a little kid but now I'm an adult and I can and will help myself. I self-talk and self-coach and am now pursuing interests for me. Not to hide from myself or my feelings, but to reward myself with a life I find fulfilling. If I meet someone in the future, great, I'll welcome it, but if I don't I now know I can live for me and no one else. In the end it's my life so why not?

I hope everyone here learns that this is probably more about us than our BPD partners or exes or friends. We get one life (that we remember) and we need to care for ourselves as much as we cared for the pwBPD in our lives. Show ourselves as much compassion, understanding and forgiveness as we did them. I'm not perfect and make mistakes and have set backs but hey, that's life and I can afford to cut myself a break from time to time! In the end, at least for me, I'll appreciate it all a lot more than she was able to. That's not to say I don't find the circumstances very sad, but I tried to get her to seek help and she wouldn't. It's taken me 46 years to figure this out and she's 38 and on her own journey so I can't blame her, just hope that one day she realizes she can interrupt the pattern with hard work and that it would be worth it for herself.

I'm very thankful to have found this site though. It's been a tremendous help knowing others have gone through what I did and made it out the other side.

[greenmonkey]

well today I can honestly say I had a blast - went out on my new toy (MTB) for a few hours got the endorphins going and came back home and felt amazing.

I went to a cycling focus group afterwards - again brilliant came back with lots of free goodies and then home for a lovely cooked meal.

I can honestly say today has the been the best day. Not once did my ex cross my mind, and all the rouble she is causing me. So I am doing the same tomorrow out on the bike for a few hours fresh air exercise, then out with friends   

[hollycat]

I feel the same as I do everyday. I am so LONELY for the man I WANT him to be.  I cry every single f***** day for that person.  I am RELIEVED to be away from the rages, the controls, the carefully phrasing my words to avoid making him mad, the nonstop accusations I am abusive and neglectful because I leave him alone to work for a living. Strangely enough, the two of us have a hard time living and restoring a house on just his disability check. I ENJOY having no one to answer to and not having to hear about how "toxic" my pizza is.  I MISS being the GODDESS to him. I MISS having someone cook for me when I have long days. I am RELIEVED to be away from his filthy mess. I MISS staring into his beautiful gray eyes and touching his face. I am ANGRY he called the police because I threw water on his shoulder and FURIOUS he won't get help. I am SICK of crying in front of the computer; my friends think I am nuts to have any positive feeling for him at all and they are tired of hearing about it.

[Michelle27]

My 3rd reply to this thread.     I am feeling progressively even better.  Took some important steps this week to cut ties and get some professional help for my family while we heal.  When we separated 3 months ago for good (after 3 months of a "therapeutic separation), I asked him to take his cell  phone number off my plan and put it in his name, and he hasn't.  I cut it off yesterday.  I also cut him off my medical, dental and extended health plan (he has his own, just not as good as mine), cut him off my family gym membership and in response to his involvement in getting child protective services to come check on the welfare of our child I spent an hour on the phone with the social worker giving her the history.  She is going to her supervisor this week and going to find services they can offer my kids and I that can help us get through this.  I'll be meeting with her next week so hopefully things will look even brighter then. :-)  Also, after he bounced some payments (child support for his first child and his car insurance) and the bank slid the money to cover it from my account (the accounts are linked), I requested the bank to unlink the accounts so that he is fully responsible for what is financially his.  He's not paying child support for our daughter so that was a double hit when it happened. 

I do feel things are heading in the right direction again. :-)  Hope everyone here has a good Friday.

[Tangy]

The truth is tonight I feel horrible. I feel so bad that I'm trying to utilize some DBT skills on myself. I know I need to get some sleep and reevaluate in the morning. I'm just upset because I was ready to settle down. I liked the life we had. I loved them him that was on the same page as me and I was extremely happy with the kind and loving him. And I'm grieving that like I had a kind and wonderful fiancé that died before the wedding. The other part of him, I don't miss, I don't long for, I don't love. Trying to radically accept that these are both him is hard, because they are nothing alike. The loving, sweet version of him would be here right now and he would have never ever cheated on me. But the black hole version of him that is desperate for a high, values no one or no thing other than his selfishness and continuous need.

I want to live a life for myself where a guy can come along and he can fit in my life rather than being my life. I'm tired of doing the monkey dance and trying to live for love and approval as if it is a life sustaining necessity.

[whitebackatcha]

I just found this thread! It's been 75 days since she instituted NC. Some days I feel like it's for the best. Others, I don't know how I will ever get over this. I still hope she comes back, even though it is probably magical thinking that it would be any different. I was just starting to have better boundaries before she left, so I can still imagine improvement. Yesterday, it made sense to me that she had moved on, and that checking to see if she had liked comments on Facebook was a false sense of contact. She unfriended me right away, but I still see her around. She acts like I was never born, even if we are on the same thread. But I stopped checking for likes. Today, I have less anxiety, so that's good. I'm glad she's a private person, because if she has someone new, there would be no evidence of it. I have no idea how I could handle it if I knew I had been replaced.

Overall, I feel sad, sometimes angry, sometimes scared that I turned a blind eye to some things in the relationship. Sometimes I feel desperate to try to contact her again, but I'm able to remind myself that she won't respond anyway, and I need to have self respect.

[Lifewriter16]

I feel really sad today. I really want to talk to a real person, but the person I would normally talk to was bereaved a week ago and so it seems to unfair to ask her for her support. So, I think I'm just going to have to sit here and be sad.

Lifewriter

[Darsha500]

Woke up this morning and it took me a whole minute before I thought about my ex. 

I'm feeling good this morning. I.e. I don't have a subtle layer of depression coating my perception. I always feel so grateful for these time periods, and hope, "Oh please just let this last."

But, since learning of my replacement last Saturday, this past week has been exceptionally tough for me. I came up with a metaphor to describe how the situation has affected me.

So I was walking along the path of my grieving, doing really well, thinking, "Ah man, things are really starting to look up." When all of the sudden, a bus comes out of nowhere and slams into me head on! So i go flying backwards like 50 feet before hitting the pavement. Now, all those scabs that were healing up real well, their open again. PLUS, I've got some nice new wounds to attend to. So i pick myself up and starting walking forward, limping though I may be.

I've got this psychosomatic symptom now. When ever the dark thoughts come upon me, my body jerks. What are the dark thoughts? They range from sorrow - at times bringing tears - to rage (complete with fantasies of punching walls), to indignation, to regret, to disgust. They are quite unpleasant.

The sense of pain and betrayal is so powerful sometimes that I have odd reactions. Some times I laugh, laugh like how a mad man cackles at tragedy. Sometimes I'll raise my arms up in a sort of worshiping stance and give thanks to the universe for this opportunity to be alive. And perhaps the oddest, I've had a couple times where I reacted to it in an almost masochistic way - like, "oh yes the pain." Weird I know.

Thanks for the thread. It is therapeutic to get this stuff out.

[Tangy]

This morning I am feeling sad. Sunday is our 2 year engagement anniversary. I just keep having these intense flashbacks of him being so happy and so proud of himself... .and that's part of what I miss... .the days where I know he truly felt good... .the days where he would smile. He had this particular smile that was rare, but when it came out, I lit up. But it didn't stay for long... .he'd quickly return to his brooding baseline.

I guess for awhile I was afraid that with her, he will be that way all the time. My more loving mature side says, well if that's what it takes (her) then I guess I'll be happy because I want him to be happy. This other side of me that fought and fought for the relationship... .that was his "one" (he proposed to me for goodness sakes) just can't wake up to the truth of what happened.

I think last night I came to the conclusion that there really wasn't anything more I could have done... .and if there were... .all it would have done is delay the breakdown not prevent it. I know he is deeply unhappy with his life and with himself... .and he's allergic to me loving him. If makes him uncomfortable because he doesn't feel worthy of it. Hence the "you're dumb for loving me" comments.

I don't know how he's doing. I don't know if he's with her. But this definitely isn't what I expected when I said yes.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not depressed, just deeply sad. I still value all of my current life experiencing, and I am looking forward to the future. It's just hard sometimes to realize he has no place in it... .that even if he wants to come back, he probably won't out of shame... .and even if he could get beyond that... .I still have to put the boundary up that the answer is no.

It's like a love story that just went really really wrong. What's the worst is that he always pretended like life just happened... .as if he were just being blown by the winds and had no active choices in matters... .it's like he set this whole thing up to crash and burn because he doesn't feel worthy of more. But he never stopped to think about how much he was hurting another person... .just to continue to hurt himself.

[Lifewriter16]

Absolutely dreadful. So very, very sad. Lifewriter x

[scgator]

Got a random contact from her out of the blue 2 days ago - to ask if I was a registered sex offender no less, wow - and now I have felt pangs of sadness over the loss and what I know was just a fantasy rs. Suddenly I'm thinking of her more and maybe what I could have done differently. It's kind of scary how just a brief text conversation can bring all of it back to the forefront. Oh the power of NC. I don't feel anywhere close to square one but definitely think I took a step back. I did go out with a buddy last night for wing night at a local bar and had a great time. Just trying to get some more great memories in there that have nothing to do with her to replace the old ones.

[Agent_of_Chaos]

It took me a year to reach the anger stage.  I constantly questioned why I wasn't there yet.  She made that possible earlier this month.

Today I feel ok... .slightly numb?  I try not to dwell on the situation.  I try not to think of her though that seems like an impossible task.  I think I've finally realized she isn't going to be a part of my future and that part still hurts at times.  I still have a hard time at night.  Mainly because we would often watch tv, movies, wrestle, and just talk. 

I guess to draw a picture:


Happy... .Me... .Sad

LOL

[Agent_of_Chaos]

I feel really sad today. I really want to talk to a real person, but the person I would normally talk to was bereaved a week ago and so it seems to unfair to ask her for her support. So, I think I'm just going to have to sit here and be sad.

Lifewriter

I am robot.  I don't compute what you say. 

Just kidding... .I know what ya mean.  I hope you start feeling a little better.  Perhaps start a thread... .at least then you can let some of it out.

[Shattered-soull]

Hey everyone,

Just a status update... .You can read my story in a prior post.  Today it has been one month since the breakup with my BPDgf.  Like many others, I was abruptly painted black as night... .Literally a week after discussing rings, wedding ideas, etc.

The past month has hands down been the hardest of my life.  I have had zero contact but have to admit that is due to her.  In moments of weekness I have texted her but have never had any sort of response.  For all I know the messages are blocked on her end.  Strangely it has been therapeutic in a way to be able to have a one way conversation... .Quite similar to writing a letter you do not send.

I have worked my ass off the past month to heal and try to release her.  Used the forum resources, three books, and my therapist.  Day to day it is better.  For the first two weeks I was a wreck... .In tears and anguish constantly.  These days I go through the day generally okay... .But triggers, songs, etc. can still bring up the pain and longing surprisingly quickly... .And with surprising intensity.  I feel ridiculous that I still love and miss this woman after all she did to me and my family.

I understand that some element of it all is likely trauma bonding.  But our relationship was 90-95 percent good and the balance bad (admittedly the bad was pretty bad).  Unlike others, when we were good there was an emotional intimacy that was insanely strong and emotional.  Losing that sort of donedtion left a very large and raw whole in my heart and soul.

She was... .Is... An incredibly special and talented woman.  But also one who has a serious issue.  Tragic as that is... .I am working to accept that I cannot seek help for her... .And she does not want me in her life anyway.  No doubt I have been replaced by now anyway.  I prefer not to think about that.

So for others in the first days... .It does get better.  But it is still difficult.

And for everyone... .This forum has been a godsend... .Dont know what I would do otherwise.  Thank you for the support and for sharing your stories.