Warning letter to the next guy

[Tomzxz]

I feel compelled to write a letter to her next victim warning of the relationships inivitable doom. If someone would have warned me about being discarded like an old appliance by this woman I might have taken offense but I would have looked at the situation in a different light. Has anyone done this, or is it just in bad taste?    I guess it would probably just be an exercise more for me than actually helping someone.  I really do think people with personality disorders should be listed on a website or something as they are predators in their own right.

[Lifewriter16]

Why don't you post it on here? I'd love to read it.

Lifewriter x

[enlighten me]

If my exs ex had sent me one It would have backed up her saying that he was obsessed and possibly dangerous. At the end I would have probably written to him and apologised for not listening.

[eeks]

I feel compelled to write a letter to her next victim warning of the relationships inivitable doom. If someone would have warned me about being discarded like an old appliance by this woman I might have taken offense but I would have looked at the situation in a different light. Has anyone done this, or is it just in bad taste?    I guess it would probably just be an exercise more for me than actually helping someone.  I really do think people with personality disorders should be listed on a website or something as they are predators in their own right.

You could write this letter to the next guy as an exercise for yourself.  Get it all out on the page.  Just vent, don't hold back, the purpose here is full expression of your emotions.  Then post it here if you like (minus the swear words... .yeah I know that might be difficult).  Or don't post it, just tell us about it, if you want.

I would recommend, for now, writing it, like I said, get all the grunge out, post it here (or not) then wait a few days and see how you feel.

[SummerStorm]

Unfortunately, BPD manipulation is such that anyone who is with the person will basically have to find out for him/herself how abusive/manipulative/etc. the pwBPD is.  

I kept in contact with my former friend's now ex-boyfriend after she ended our friendship, just to get updates.  I sent him a long stream of texts one day about how crazy she is and about how she was blackmailing me, etc.  He never replied, and I stopped texting him, assuming that he had bought into her lies about how awful I am.  

They have been broken up since early August, and a few weeks ago, he said that he never knew what to believe about anyone in her life, including me.  She also told him not to talk to me and would monitor his phone, so that's why he stopped replying to me.  He didn't know what to believe, and that was after he'd been through a suicide attempt and physical abuse with her.  So, chances are, someone who's just entered a relationship with a pwBPD isn't going to believe anything.  

Remember that pwBPD only display clear BPD traits after they have gotten close to people.  I've told several co-workers about my former friend, and they were all shocked when I told them.  They all said, "She seemed so nice.  I wouldn't have believed she could do those things."  Her ex-boyfriend posted to her Facebook page about her stealing from him after he saved her life, and one of her friends asked him about it.  He told him about everything, and the friend was blown away.  His comment was, "I know she smokes pot and is a bit odd, but I didn't know that."  

[Tomzxz]

Frankly, There is too much to say. That and I'm not so great at being succinct. I have struggled with describing an admittedly short 2.5 year relationship of her abuse in under 8000 words. The letter is already written. I wrote it as a journal months ago, as closure for myself as I wasn't ever going to get such satisfaction from her.  It's as much a look at myself as it is a look at her and a general account of the relationship. The depth and scope of my knowledge about her and the viral nature of Cluster B just cant be summed up in a brief but believable letter.  It truly is something you need to see to believe.  Nobody is going to read an 11 page letter and I'm sure they would immediately think I was OCD or off my rocker.  

I have tried to describe what happened briefly but it just cant be done.  Or I'm just not at a healthy enough place yet for it to be done with brevity.  All I can say is the poor guy doesn't know what's in store for him and I cant heal fast enough to warn him in a convincingly graceful manner.

[Lifewriter16]

Be kind to yourself Tomzxz. His fate is in his hands and not yours. We all have to learn our own lessons. Few people ever listen to advice no matter how it is delivered. If the lesson didn't need to be learnt, we wouldn't partake in the dance. BPD is a cloud with a silver lining but it takes time to realise what that silver lining is.

Lifewriter x

[eeks]

Frankly, There is too much to say. That and I'm not so great at being succinct. I have struggled with describing an admittedly short 2.5 year relationship of her abuse in under 8000 words. The letter is already written. I wrote it as a journal months ago, as closure for myself as I wasn't ever going to get such satisfaction from her.  It's as much a look at myself as it is a look at her and a general account of the relationship. The depth and scope of my knowledge about her and the viral nature of Cluster B just cant be summed up in a brief but believable letter.  It truly is something you need to see to believe.  Nobody is going to read an 11 page letter and I'm sure they would immediately think I was OCD or off my rocker.  

I have tried to describe what happened briefly but it just cant be done.  Or I'm just not at a healthy enough place yet for it to be done with brevity.  All I can say is the poor guy doesn't know what's in store for him and I cant heal fast enough to warn him in a convincingly graceful manner.

The relationship is something that's clearly still affecting you emotionally, it doesn't really matter how long it was.  Healing, too, will happen on your own timeline.  How long since the relationship ended?

I'm not saying you should post it, that's up to you, but based on the stories you have read on bpdfamily, wouldn't you say it's likely that a lot of people here would believe you?  Because they've been through similar things?  Does it help you to know that? 

You're new to the Personal Inventory board too, I think (hi!)

[Michelle27]

If I had received one at the beginning of my relationship, I wouldn't have paid it any attention.  He had told me how he was the victim of spousal abuse, so I wouldn't have believed anything she said, sadly. 

Last week (15.5 years after I met my ex husband), I now know the truth and she lived almost everything I did but to a lesser degree.

I know who my ex's next "victim" (supply) is and believe me, it crossed my mind to tell her what the truth of the emotional vampire she believes herself to be "madly in love with" (her words) but I know it wouldn't do any good so unfortunately, I have to wait for the inevitable crash and burn.  Hopefully I won't hear about it.

[bravhart1]

Life writer, if you would, please?

Please tell me what the silver lining is to having a BPD in your life? I'm struggling with this so much right now. It's ruining my life and I'm not her direct victim, I'm just the girl who got involved with her ex after she victimized him. She still ruins almost everyday four years later.

[Lifewriter16]

Hi bravhart,

The silver lining is probably going to disappoint you tremendously... .It is that when we are in so much pain (in this case brought on by our relationship with the pwBPD) we eventually look at ourselves to find the source of that pain and start to acknowledge it and bring it into the light. Gradually this starts to heal that pain. We may find that the pain we feel was similar to that we felt when we were children living in our family of origin or in previous relationships. Looking at that pain makes us stronger. We learn to validate ourselves more. We learn stronger boundaries. We get a better sense of who we are and what we want out of life.  We may choose to go to a therapist who helps us to untwist our own thinking. We learn to be alone. We learn to find calm in the storm. We detach from them. In the meantime, the pwBPD carries on as usual. I think that we get the better deal, painful and compulsive as it is.

Have you considered doing some self-reflection yourself on the Personal Inventory and Self Reflection Board?

Love Lifewriter