MIL with BPD - need strategies or support to cope please

[HorseLove]

Hi all,

New to this site. My MIL has BPD traits, never officially diagnosed. Here are some helpful facts: my husband and I recently moved to be near MIL after my husband's Father's sudden death. We have our hands really full. My MIL rages at unpredictable times over strange things (you never know what will set her off). We are trying so hard to be loving and supportive, but it's been years of this. We moved essentially because she has a problem managing what little money she has and we the husband's death has been hard on her - we could see she was actually at high risk for becoming homeless. She has several "friends" (when she's speaking to them, that is) who were sucking money out of her. Her own mother (deceased) had undiagnosed mental illness and from my MIL's description, she acted the same way my MIL does now.

However, it has become clear she can't see us as helpful. I want to stress that at no point have we tried to "take over" bank accounts or anything like that. But my husband knew if we moved closer the moochers would stop coming and in fact, that has been true.

Regardless, we are forced to interact with her and I need some practical strategies to deal with her raging. I now walk away from her when possible. When she rages she actually looks wild and crazed. It's the most terrifying thing I have ever seen. It's like she's not even in her own body.  

I also refuse to give her pity when she complains about all the "jerks" in her life. Everyone in our family has taken a turn on her 'list'. And when she's mad at people (often for irrational things), she HATES them. That I won't give her pity aggravates her terribly and she lets people know what a terrible person I am (anyone who will listen), only her language to describe me is delightfully more colorful.

She also switches from no self esteem to a grandiose ego. For example, I have heard her tell people she is an accomplished painter who is better than Vermeer. I have only ever seen her produce about two paintings in 16 years. She loves telling everyone they have no taste, but then she dresses like a hobo and is now wearing the same shirt every single day. I know she is mentally ill, but that fact doesn't answer the question, "so now what?"

I'm just trying to give everyone a sense of what we are dealing with and asking sincerely for help. We try to show her love but I am not sure it's worth it anymore. Has anyone experienced this and what advice would you all have for me? My husband has definitely suffered.

His Father asked him to come home and help take care of her from his deathbed (passed hours later), so my husband only returned because he promised his Dad he would.

Thank you all for positive support!







My husband has never sought counseling for the effects of the childhood emotional and mental abuse that he suffered.

[Pilate]

Welcome HorseLove, 

You and your husband are to be commended for stepping into a situation that sounds fraught with a great deal of emotional upheaval and difficulty. How are you managing with your move?

If you have not already started to do so, the workshops and information on boundaries would be incredibly valuable. Making sure you are practicing self care is important because being in relationship with a person like you describe is incredibly hard on our own emotional and mental well being. Are you and your husband thinking about how to deal with the kinds of feelings (old traumas or hurts) interacting with his mom is likely to bring up?

The "Lessons" over on the right will talk about some of these things.

Learning boundaries and practicing something like S.E.T. and validating your MIL's feelings without validating the invalid might be helpful.

Here is information and discussion on S.E.T.: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=143695.0

Here is information and discussion on boundaries: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=61684.0

I have a MIL who has a number of narcissistic qualities, so your Vermeer comment sounds familiar. I have learned to be very clear in my boundaries--what I am willing to do and what I am not. This has not always been easy or comfortable work to do, but it helps me maintain a relationship with a very difficult person and not feel overwhelmed or guilted for not participating in enmeshed family dynamics. However, we do have the luxury of having some distance. If we were in the same town, our work to maintain a relationship would look quite different.

[JQ]

Hello & Welcome H.L. 

I feel for you & your husband and the challenges you are currently facing. I'm glad you found this place ... .here you'll find no judging ... .but only open arms to give you a   cyber hug when needed, to offer you what has help for us and what has not helped us and it's a good place to vent or just learn all that you can about BPD & behaviors. I've learned so much not only about my BPD mother & sister but about myself and my behaviors as a co=dependent. I can understand why you husband might not want to seek out help & assistance from a therapist ... .I was resistant to it at first. I was actually ordered by my commanding officer to go after I was having "adjustment issues" to a serious injury. From there other things were learned not only about myself but about my mother and sister. But most importantly I've come to learn that it's not a sign of weakness to seek out help but it's a sign of incredible strength. SO many of my brothers and sisters in uniform have ... .but far to many have not and it results in 1 service member committing suicide everyday of the year. So I encourage those to seek out guidance, assistance and support. The brain is a organ like a kidney or a heart, or a liver and when those organs are sick or need help we have no problem going to the doctor to get them fixed ... .why is it so different for the brain.

In my therapy I have found that my mother is BPD and I've spent nearly my entire adult life away from her ... .in 20 years I've been in town less then 30 days just because I didn't want to deal with the mood swings, the rages, the roller coaster crazy train she was driving. I've recently spent several months with her since I'm now retired from the military and able to help her. In all this time nothing has changed and in fact its become worse. I've learned that her partner's health has taken a hit for dealing with her behavior, rages, anger and what she calls Dr. Jekle & Mr. Hyde. She has aged years more then she should of and stays away from home as much as she can to avoid any confrontation. I guess I can't blame her as I did the same thing for all of my adult life. It's easier to avoid confrontation then to hit it head on ... .especially from what I've learned with someone with BPD its going to be an uphill battle. I've come to learn that my mother is of the age that even if she agreed to go to therapy it wouldn't help. But since she would never agree to it it's something I won't worry about. I've learned like your MIL my mother spends every dime she has and told a home care nurse the following ... .Nurse "What do you do in your spare time?", mother, "I go to the casino when ever I get a spare $20 bucks". Nurse, "I'm a saver, I have to save for my retirement". Mother, "What are they going to do when I die with what money I have left over? Write me a check?"  That one statement coupled with her behavior towards ignoring what the doctors, nurses have told her to help her live a better life is going to be ignored and she is going to live her life the way she wants too

So, what am I to do? Nothing ... .I can't, she won't do what anyone wants her to do and she's capable enough not to be a ward of anyone. She bullies her partner so there's not a lot she can do. I've since returned to my home in another state and fill much better for myself as I have gotten off the crazy train roller coaster. She has repeatedly called to find out where I'm at & stick her nose into my personal life and i ignore her. I am as vague with her as possible, and on occasion when i really don't want to deal with her I ignore her call. She has called to tell me that she has ran her car into the garage and doesn't know where she's going to come up with the money for the deductible for insurance. I tell her that I'm sure you'll come up with something between you and your partner. She has called to tell me she has bought a newer car ... .even though doctors have advised her not to drive. She's complained about the car payment ... .I told her that she will make it work. I don't cave in to her demands, don't encourage her, don't support her rages and when she is raging on the phone or is in a "mood" ... .I just tell her I have to go and will talk to her later.

YOU and your husband are not responsible for her happiness or her financial issues. You are responsible for your own and no one else's. Don't get me wrong ... .it's hard not to help I get that ... .it's hard to sit by and watch them on a path of self destruction ... .but you have to let them experiences the consequences of their actions. If you bale them out they'll continue the current behavior and Im with the belief that at their age they are beyond learning anything that will help them live a semi normal life. My mother is 70 plus and she is coming to the end of a wild and crazy ride ... .I can't go into debt for her ... .I can't make her do something she doesn't want to do. I have gone through many hours of therapy & counseling for the childhood I had ... .for my own continued mental well being I have to keep my distance. I will assist with things like spending some time with her when possible, talk to her on the phone, and offer any guidance when SHE asks for it.

I agree with what Pilate has offered in the way of references to read, learn, and education. I would read all that I could about BPD, and it's quite possible that your husband is a codependent like myself. The perfectionist, the knight in armor, the cowboy riding in with my white hat to save the day  ... .it's a learned behavior from our childhood and a lot less destructive then the learned behavior of someone who has BPD.  But never the less, we have to learn our boundaries, we have to learn to say no, we have to learn that we can't save everyone nor are we suppose to even when it's family.  Once you learn to do say and do those things both of you can live a much better productive and happier life ... .I know I have. I know that I can tell my mom no ... .has hard as it might be at the moment ... .her toddler like behavior requires me to be the adult and tell her no. When I'm the adult and tell her no, she acts very much like a toddler and throws a tantrum, pouts ... .it's funny to see a adult to act like a 3 year old and I've told her as much. When I'm honest with myself, when I'm honest with her and those who are around her that love her I believe everyone is better off ... .why perpetuate the lie ... .why encourage the behavior by giving in to her behavior ... .it causes nothing but continued issues and grief ... .just my humbled opinion ... .

The 3 C's of BPD ... .YOU didn't Cause it!  YOU can't Control it!  YOU can't Cure it!   

I hope that you return as often as you need to ... .learn ... .read ... .run ideas or ask for what has help with us ... .more importantly what has NOT help us ... .ease into the therapy thing for yourself & your husband ... .

I wish you peace & strength ... .

J

[Panda39]

Hi HorseLove,

Welcome to the BPD Family 

I'm on this site because the man I am seeing has an uBPDxw and once we figured she was most likely BPD I began to read.  I hit the library first and eventually ordered some specific books I was interested in.

I wanted to suggest a few books to read that you might find helpful too... .I've also attached the site book reviews for the books I'm suggesting.

Stop Walking on Eggshells: Taking Your Life Back When Someone You Care About Has Borderline Personality Disorder, Edition 2 by: Paul Mason Randi Kreger

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56242.0

Understanding the Borderline Mother: Helping Her Children Transcend the Intense, Unpredictable, and Volatile Relationship by:Christine Ann Lawson

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=53779.0

Surviving a Borderline Parent: How to Heal Your Childhood Wounds and Build Trust, Boundaries, and Self-Esteem by: Kimberlee Roth and Freda B. Friedman

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=68021.0

Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist: How to End the Drama and Get On with Life by:Margalis Fjelstad

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=203887.0

You are not alone and you will be surprised at how much we all have in common and how similar our stories can be.  I'm sure you will find the members on this site very knowledgeable, have good ideas and suggestions and are very supportive and caring.

For your husband: There is no shame in going to therapy and reaching out for help but he will need to decide for himself.  Perhaps you could suggest that you go together to find some support and get some help coping with mom.

You could also connect him with us too.  The reason I'm here is because the man I am seeing has an uBPDxw (undiagnosed BPD ex-wife) and we both are members.  It had helped us both to have a place to go and talk with others, to vent, to learn skills, and to have a common language.

Wishing you well,

Panda39