Feeling triggered

[jammo1989]

Can anyone please stop make questioning everything? I've just ended up triggering myself, I know people don't have all the answers, but I can't stop questioning every little detail all of a sudden.  I stupidly went on my exes Facebook, from a friends account, and no seeing her didn't trigger me because I'm not emotionally attached anymore, but can anybody try and give some kind of insight about this?

Her cover photo is a picture I took in the M n M store in London when we were together, I treated her to a day in London when that picture was taken, her friend commented saying cool pic! And her reply was * this was taken when I went to London was such a fab time, I loved it!

Does a borderline see or remember the memory as I had s good time (no indication I was even present) or I remember that picture, I had such a great day with jammo1989?

Sorry just feeling a bit triggered by it, any thoughts would cheer me up thank you!

[Mutt]

Hi jammo1989,

Are you curious if the cover photo is a tell that you are split white?

[jammo1989]

Hi jammo1989,

Are you curious if the cover photo is a tell that you are split white?

Hey Mutt, it's not so much split white, but why after all this time put that as her cover photo, the cover photo could just translate to * I just like the picture* but what she wrote about having a fab time and loving it triggered me.  I know for a fact if I wrote something like that I would relate it to who I was with when it was taken (memories) she's built up a fan club since my replacement, so I know I'm not in the picture, but would you relate comments like that with had a fab time with James loved it! Or do borderlines tend to distort the memory?

[enlighten me]

I have wondered about how they remember things.

I think its like a child. They remember they went to a zoo and had a good time. They don't really register who took them.

I might be way off but that's how my exs seemed to recall things.

[jammo1989]

I have wondered about how they remember things.

I think its like a child. They remember they went to a zoo and had a good time. They don't really register who took them.

I might be way off but that's how my exs seemed to recall things.

Thank you again enlightened, I need to stop thinking that everyone thinks like I do.  For example me saying if I posted that picture it would be a reminder of the time I spent with my ex, then telling people I had s fab time and loved it, I would associate it to the time I spent, if that makes sense.  Just made me feel a bit down and so frustrated like really frustrated.

[Caley]

It worked then ... didn't it.

She knows that you know that the picture is personal to you both. And, she has said 'I had a great time' ... and now you are betwixt and between feelings of hope and the very real possibility of rejection if you react to it.

She's micro managing your emotions & you are letting her ... try your very best to remember what she has put you through ... and put a stop to you rejecting and disrespecting your self by making a concerted effort not to put yourself in a position of vulnerability by looking at what she's doing ... .this is your journey too  Jammo ... take your attention off her and give it to yourself ... if you have any compassion at all ... this is the time to give it to you.

This might not make sense right now as your emotions are all over the shop ... but, in time it will ... SHE is HOLDING you back & your are helping her do that ... time to be on your side for a change ... difficult, I know ... not something you're used to doing ... but if you want to find what you're really looking for ... you need to accept that you are not going to find it in her.

Best wishes ... NOW is the time to put your big boy pants on ... and be strong. The person you are meant to be with is waiting ... how long are you going to keep her waiting ... ?

[enlighten me]

I have wondered about how they remember things.

I think its like a child. They remember they went to a zoo and had a good time. They don't really register who took them.

I might be way off but that's how my exs seemed to recall things.

Thank you again enlightened, I need to stop thinking that everyone thinks like I do.  For example me saying if I posted that picture it would be a reminder of the time I spent with my ex, then telling people I had s fab time and loved it, I would associate it to the time I spent, if that makes sense.  Just made me feel a bit down and so frustrated like really frustrated.

I get what you mean. We remember the full spectrum of the moment. The place, the company, how we felt, how they felt. Where as they remember the place and how they felt.

[Mutt]

I know for a fact if I wrote something like that I would relate it to who I was with when it was taken (memories) she's built up a fan club since my replacement, so I know I'm not in the picture, but would you relate comments like that with had a fab time with James loved it! Or do borderlines tend to distort the memory?

Autbiographical memory recollects episodes from a person's life based on personal experiences, people and events at a specific time and place.

Patients with BPD have difficulties in recalling specific autobiographical memories. These difficulties are related to their tendency to dissociate and may help them to avoid episodic information that would evoke acutely negative affect.

Autobiographical memory and dissociation in borderline personality disorder

[Sunfl0wer]

.  ... , but why after all this time put that as her cover photo, the cover photo could just translate to * I just like the picture* but what she wrote about having a fab time and loving it triggered me.  I know for a fact if I wrote something like that I would relate it to who I was with when it was taken (memories) she's built up a fan club since my replacement, so I know I'm not in the picture, but would you relate comments like that with had a fab time with James loved it! Or do borderlines tend to distort the memory?

I think there are several possibilities... .

She may have a distorted memory and describing her view.

She may have a full accurate memory, however, actually did have a good time.

She may be choosing to focus on only certain aspects of the memory as often we like to share memories with others without getting all negative/emo on FB.

She may be intentionally painting a false description of her experience to paint an image she is trying to portray.

... .or something else.

[myself]

I need to stop thinking that everyone thinks like I do.

^^Especially someone who has BPD/enough traits that you're not together.

Sometimes when we look at our ex's FB pages, for example, it can be less about trying to find answers and more about trying to keep things stirred up for ourselves. To stay in the story more than move past it. Is there some of that going on with you?

Agreed, at this point her post is more about how she feels and how she wants to represent herself to others than about you. To keep from triggering yourself in the future, perhaps tell your friend(s), ":)on't let me look at her stuff through you." Learn the lesson, grow from it, and let go.

[Skip]

I think there are several possibilities... .

She may be choosing to focus on only certain aspects of the memory as often we like to share memories with others without getting all negative/emo on FB.

She may be intentionally painting a false description of her experience to paint an image she is trying to portray.

She may have a full accurate memory, however, actually did have a good time.

She may have a distorted memory and describing her view.

Good comments… SF.

We have to be really careful not to view these things with ourselves at the epicenter… especially this far out.

This photo most likely just conveys an image that she wants to project. That's how most profile photos are selected. Its very different than selecting a photo for a wallet, or for the bedside, or for the…

Ask yourself, how many of those "having fun" photos we see on Match.com were taken by a previous partner?  Lots.

In all relationship, romantic property, in time, often just becomes property.  That beautiful Valentines day vase, years later can become just a vase the looks good on shelf three.

And the thought that this far out in time, that she would waste her valued profile photo space to tangle with Jammo in the off-chance that he logged into Facebook with a false (not-blocked) identity, is a reach - why be so coy?

And the idea that are ex-partner has the photo-event-memory skills of a 5 year old is taking the "5-year-old" metaphor too far . A five year old can't tie their shoes - doesn't understand the concept of "intent". Our ex's are not functioning at that level.

Jammo - its really important to stop trying to analyze her mental state from things you can see in your binoculars - the accuracy level is really low. if you really need to know where she stands, call her (I'm not suggesting this) and you'll get your answer. I think you probably know how that call is going to go.

Does she have fond memories of you?  Sure she does.  :)oes she indulge them now?  Maybe, maybe not.  Will she next year? Maybe, maybe not.

[BorisAcusio]

Does a borderline see or remember the memory as I had s good time (no indication I was even present) or I remember that picture, I had such a great day with jammo1989?

Most likely it means absoluely nothing. The best photos can be taken on occasions when you actually had a good time, and she want to convey that image to others.

[Mutt]

Hi jammo1989,

Regardless if your ex changed her cover photo, updated her status, talked to mutual friends, drove down your street etc... . I think it's important that we don't pathologize most things.



----Mutt

[jammo1989]

Thank you to everyone that responded to my post, it really did help, and that down feel has now dispersed, this really has the best community and it really has helped me.  I understand that a year later something like this shows no relevance towards me why, why would it? It's been a year and I'm still blocked so it's not like I was expected to see it after all this time.  Thank you again for being so supportive!

[Skip]

Good centering/re-homing.