I don't know what is happening. Confusion.

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

This is my first post on this board, I've been over at the "staying" board for the past few months. At this point I don't know what is happening. My husband was arrested two years ago for domestic assault, and since then we've been separated. He and I have been going to MC for a year, since his sentence ended and he was allowed contact with me. All this while we've had the understanding we were "working" on our relationship, but it seems he just kept pushing it further and further. He's been living with his mother and getting her to take care of our children in the times he has them (two and 1/2 days a week). All the while I've been saying I want to heal our marriage and come back together. He has me painted black, though, and does to his whole very loyal religious close knit family. Currently we are in a religious divorce and separation class that we are taking at different locations, hoping to reach some common ground. I just think he's building a case for ending our marriage and not working on US at all. He makes the whole thing out to be my fault and that I am the one with mental issues, which I believe I am severely codependent. But also ANGRY after being dragged through the dirt for years. He is taking no responsibility for the legal trouble he was in, saying that I made it all up and he is the victim.

I want so badly for my family to survive, but I don't know how it can if he can't even see himself. It's devastating. Any words of wisdom?

[Butterfly12]

This is my first post on this board, I've been over at the "staying" board for the past few months. At this point I don't know what is happening. My husband was arrested two years ago for domestic assault, and since then we've been separated. He and I have been going to MC for a year, since his sentence ended and he was allowed contact with me. All this while we've had the understanding we were "working" on our relationship, but it seems he just kept pushing it further and further. He's been living with his mother and getting her to take care of our children in the times he has them (two and 1/2 days a week). All the while I've been saying I want to heal our marriage and come back together. He has me painted black, though, and does to his whole very loyal religious close knit family. Currently we are in a religious divorce and separation class that we are taking at different locations, hoping to reach some common ground. I just think he's building a case for ending our marriage and not working on US at all. He makes the whole thing out to be my fault and that I am the one with mental issues, which I believe I am severely codependent. But also ANGRY after being dragged through the dirt for years. He is taking no responsibility for the legal trouble he was in, saying that I made it all up and he is the victim.

I want so badly for my family to survive, but I don't know how it can if he can't even see himself. It's devastating. Any words of wisdom?

[Butterfly12]

Also, I forgot to mention, we are still separated and have been for the past two years. We have three children together, ages 2,4, and 10. We've been together a long time and there was no real BIG mental fall outs until about three years ago. Little instances, yes, but nothing substantial.

Because of the separation, we really don't have a relationship to speak of. We don't talk at all but one hour every two weeks at marriage counseling. The stress of this one meeting usually results in one or the other of us having an emotional meltdown.

[enlighten me]

Hi Butterfly

Welcome to the leaving board.

Im sorry your having to deal with this.

It might be worth having a read of the lessons here.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

When your ready if you want to post what your intentions are then we will see how we can help you.

EM

[Butterfly12]

Thanks.

I looked through the lessons and was shocked. That is it. Exactly.

The denial, the anger, the sadness.

What I really want is to come to an understanding and heal my marriage. He plays a part, I play a part. I'm obviously dealing with codependency, and playing the role of enabler in my marriage. He is a undiagnosed BPD, I am sure. But he isn't ready to admit it. He sees me as the problem. And I understand my role... .and still I want our marriage back, not just for the sake of our children but because we have so much to loose.

At this point though, I don't know if I am just in denial.

He took off his wedding ring last week, told me I said something (won't tell me what) that was inexcusable, and is therefore done with me.

And I feel moderately desperate because all I want is my family back.

I don't know if this answers the question.

[enlighten me]

Hi butterfly

Its difficult when only one of you wants to fight for the relationship. You cant make someone else want something if they don't want to.

I think the undecided board may be a better place and it might be worth having another read of the lessons on staying. Particularly to do with communication.

May I ask what in particular is it that you are missing from your marriage?

[Butterfly12]

Do you mean what do I miss about my marriage?

I miss everything about it. We've been together a long time. We have three kids. A life. I miss him. He was my best friend, my "soul mate" and everything I thought I wanted in another being. I miss him.

[enlighten me]

I can understand that. I missed my marriage too. After we split up I didn't recognise the person that was my wife.

[Butterfly12]

As you see, the only reason I am on this board is not of my own desire. I want my family back. There is no "undecided" about it. I made my decision two years ago I wanted to fight for what we have. He said he wanted to heal too, but has since painted me black and told many lies about me. I am all the problems, he says. And I am devastated. And angry. And afraid.

I don't really know what to do.