What is so bad that he just couldn't see himself with me

[stacma04]

My ex of two years went and got engaged to the OW. My story is very similar to everyone else here, been with ex for two years, broke up more times than I could count, there were no rages, no cutting, no suicide attempts, to me he actually sounds more like he has NPD than BPD. anyways long story short, I went NC for seven months. During this time he was with OW. He then breaks up with her to come back to me ( after being apart for several months). He then breaks up with me a couple weeks later just to go back to the OW and is now engaged to me married, if he's not already. I'm now going on 4 months of NC. The month prior to him getting engaged him and I were looking at wedding rings and talking about getting married. I've been through so much with him, so its heartbreaking that he would now go and get engaged/married right after breaking up with me.

when he broke up with me via text he told me to move on with my life and he can never commit to me.

I'm starting to really think there was something about me that prevented him from committing to me. What the hell about me that was so bad that he just couldn't see himself with me?  and if he knew he didn't love me or want me, why even come back into my life after all that time just to break my heart again? I'm so lost hurt and confused .

[enlighten me]

Hi Stacma

Im sorry you are going through this. You ask what is it about you that meant he couldn't commit. In any relationship there needs to be compatibility. He may think that you are not compatible to his needs. You may be too confident therefore making him insecure. You may be insecure therefor leaving him feeling engulfed.

What I realised with my exgf is that on paper we seemed compatible but that was her mirroring me. Her next bf was a lot different to me and he probably felt compatible. Her ex husband is totally different to me but he obviously thought them compatible.

Just because they say we are doesn't mean we are.

[Learning_curve74]

stacma04, I'm so sorry to read your story and hear how hurt you feel.  

I've felt the same feelings in the past, meaning I felt what was wrong with me? However, didn't your ex break up multiple times with you AND the other woman? It sounds like he's the common denominator, right?

It sounds like he must've been carrying on with her at the same time he was with you if he's choosing to get engaged so soon after breaking up.

You said you had broken up more times than you can count. What was the reasons for it before? In any relationship, we set patterns of behavior with each other in the first 6 to 12 months that are increasingly difficult to change. Did you feel things were different when you got back together again?

[stacma04]

Hi    learning_curve74

Thanks for the reply, from What I understand I think he's only broken up with her once which was to get back with me after going NC for several months. every-time we break up he would  go online and start dating someone else. Yes every-time we got back together it started feeling a little different. Even though I loved him very much I would start feeling a bit off. the roller coaster back and forth really takes its toll and how you start viewing that person.Its one thing if a person doesn't feel that your compatible, but to go back and forth is heart breaking. Wish he would have just stayed away from me. As for the breakups, to be honest I was never really given any real reasons as to why he wanted to break up, he would just always tell me I'm not the one and there are too many issues, never really told me what the issues were though.

[joeramabeme]

Hi Stacma04, I read through this post and could relate. 

I'm not the one and there are too many issues, never really told me what the issues were though.

I have found myself using rational logical thinking to understand the irrational and illogical behaviors of my 2bx pwBPD traits; it's a very frustrating never-ending thought loop.  I think this is one of the traps that we Non's fall into.  Totally understandable, we use logic and rational thinking to make our life's decisions and progress forward.  But the same skills wind up being a trap in trying to understanding our BP styled r/s, because it does not apply to their style of processing which tends to be mired in emotional impulses that are not anchored and change frequently. 

I have been caught in my own loop the last few weeks.  My wife left a 10 year marriage saying she was not happy.  She did not leave to go be with someone else or have a plan to do something that the marriage prevented her from doing so that she could be "happy" the act of leaving was the release from her feelings. 

The first thing she did after leaving was to go camping - LOL - she hates camping.  Go figure!  So, I have been trapped in the thought of why would she leave to go start doing things she doesn't like doing.  Doesn't make sense, she is not happy here and then goes and does something that doesn't make her happy.  I will never figure it out. 

These R/S are so tough to break away from.  We cannot rely on our typical life tools to understand what happened and heal.  There is a certain amount of unconditional acceptance that has to come in to the process otherwise we keep spinning around the same logic. Logic that is fundamentally sound in nature - but somewhat detrimental in releasing us from the cycle of pain and confusion.


Joe

[DaKid]

I can definitely relate to this one. Except we actually did get engaged. And I thought everything was getting better. Then it all fell apart and she says we are just not compatible. I think someone said that to her cause all of a sudden she was using that excuse.

And after only one month of NC she breaks the silence to text me she started seeing someone and thought it would be better to hear it from her. I can't see any logic in to why it would be better and I find myself in that same rational logical loop. Confused and hurt.

[Michelle27]

This may sound strange, but my relationship with my husband only worked when I was dealing with my low self esteem, my own codependency and didn't listen to my gut because I chose not to.  Things were so bad I was carrying around clothes in my car for years for when I had to flee during a dysregulation.  I finally decided to take care of myself and over a period of years I lost close to 150 lbs, gained my self esteem, lots of great new friends and got stronger emotionally.  That's when things got harder for me to continue to take the behaviors  and continue on.  We tried a therapeutic separation but I could see through his phony attempts at getting help, and finally ended the marriage. 

It wasn't ME that wasn't good enough to make it work.  It was being in a different place emotionally than I was when we first got together.  That was never going to work. 

[Darsha500]

I have engaged in this sort of thinking myself. My ex would talk about how her ex, who I replaced, was so manly and me so sensitive and still a boy. Then at other times she would idealize me for the same qualities she would castigate me for, talking about how much better of a man I was than him. Very confusing and destabilizing.

She attacked my weak points, the areas of myself that are more fragile than others and which I seek to strengthen and heal. Then she would reinforce  and soothe them, making me feel safe to be myself. Ouch.

Anyway, she eventually cheated on me with her ex, leaving me with that question, "why did she go back to him, what does he have that I don't have?"

This thinking is so counter productive, it only reinforces shame. I'm so over being ashamed of myself. I refuse to indulge self-deprecating thoughts any longer.

The message I'd like to impart is that... .Don't allow your self worth to be determined by the pwBPD. You are perfect as you are, you don't need his stamp of approval. Just as I am intrinsically worthy of love and acceptance, so too are you.

Don't forget this.

[stacma04]

HI Darsha500

Thank you for your encouraging words, I have printed them so that I can look back on them when I am being too hard on myself.  I appreciate your response , Thank You