I feel so relieved. This website has brought me peace and comfort.

[toddinrochester]

I met her online. It was an instant connection when we first met. She was not overly attractive but was cute and had the same addictive past I had. It made it easy to open up with her. She made me feel like no other woman has made me feel. It was almost like a drug to have her around. We said the Love word within two weeks. She was making plans for us to get a house in the spring and married and have kids. I was all on board. It was like a romance you see in a movie and I thought to myself that I could not believe I found this girl. After all these years. Introduced her to my family my friends. I was sold. Then the signs started to show up. Easily ignored because of the way I felt about her. This is the girl I am going to marry and have kids with. This is someone that understands and loves me like no other.

Then we go out to dinner on the third of September. Had an amazing time. Get home, tells me that she can't have sex that night. I am fine with it. I tell her no problem and I love her and happy birthday. We go to sleep. Next morning I wake up next to someone completely different. She tells me that she is upset because when she said no sex I was pushy about it. I wasn't.  I can sense that some thing is still off so I ask again. I get accused of "pushing" her away. She becomes distant for the next week. Not coming over and not seeing me. When we do see each other I get a kiss on the cheek and she ignores me in front of her family. I leave confused. I tell her as she is walking me out to my car that she ignored me the entire time and that something is wrong. She denies it.

Next day I tell her we need to talk, I say not in public as this isn't a conversation I want people to be able to hear. I explain that I need all of her and that she is acting different and I know she has a lot going on but that I am here for her.  She snaps back to how it was. We hug and I see the sparkle in her eyes. The next day she has court for a restraining order against her ex, she comes over after and everything falls apart. She leaves that night and messages me at 2 am. We chat and I tell her that she should come over and return my garage door opener and get her stuff as she isn't ready to be in a relationship. She agrees. I hop online and notice that the entire time we were dating, she was actively on the same dating site we met on and talking with guys. I am crushed. We breakup. She comes to get her stuff. I have never hear someone cry like she did. Never. Then I am immediately cut out of her life. Refuses to talk on the phone only via text or chat because she is so upset. At this point I feel like I can't live without her. I am lost and confused and crushed by this person more so then anyone ever before. Three weeks I spent in deep depression. She never checks on me, doesn't see how I am doing, nothing.  I find another site and this forum and I am set free. I can't believe how amazingly powerful a relationship with a BPD is at first. Its everything you wanted in a person and its simply intoxicating. You can't imagine life without them. They are your everything. Thank you to everyone on this site. I have never felt more relieved knowing that I was not crazy in how or why I felt this way about her. Thank you! What hurts the most is how easily discarded I feel. How I realize now that she didn't love me and didn't care about me and after the chase was over and had me. She got rid of me. Said that she needed to be alone and work on her problems at the same time she was on a dating site already lining up her next guy. I asked about the dating site and it was "Just reading emails, I am not ready to date". Of course she is ready to date. She was ready while we were still supposedly in love!

Sorry this was rather scattered. I am just still in shock about this.

[enlighten me]

Hi Todd

Welcome to the family.

It was also a relief for me to find this site. There are so many here who could have been writing about my life. Its sad to think that so many of us have been through and are going through the same thing.

The lessons here on the leaving board have some useful advice which may prove helpful to you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

Keep reading and keep posting it can help eve if its just to have a vent.

EM

[toddinrochester]

Thank you. I have never felt so wounded emotionally then I did with her. This crushed me spiritually. I am pretty sure she knows she has it. She is a Pharmacist and is incredibly smart, I can only hope that she gets help for it. All of her patterns in life that she told me and how she would say "I am so messed up, you have no idea" and "I am really crazy" were statements that I simply overlooked but now see as warning signs. I don't know if they are cognitiviely aware of what they are doing or how this works on their end. I would be curious to know.

[Bigmd]

Todd, I can relate . The argument that led to my eventual breakup was about sex too. She said she didn't want to have it. I said ok. She accused me of being mad even though I wasn't. Anyway your story sounds like mine. Welcome.

[toddinrochester]

The weird thing was that the entire night was amazing! We had a great dinner and fun. I thought it was weird she didn't mention it before we went to bed. But we never had sex again and we stayed together another week or so. I can't figure out if she realized she couldn't control me with sex or not. She did say later she had recorded a two hour argument with her ex (restraining order guy) when she refused him sex. Lots of weird signals. But I can absolutely peg the 4th of september as the day the relationship ended. Officially the 12th but nothing was the same after that night. And I had a friend on the same dating site that her and I met show me a screen shot that she was online that next day. Already looking for her next victim.

[Bigmd]

Yeah it can be confusing. I didn't find this site till a few weeks after my breakup. At the time it came out of no where. I was in the middle of a silent treatment for that argument. But it was nothing new. Happened all the time than she would be back to normal. When I stepped back and looked at the red flags it all made sense. It still hurt nonetheless . I am over two months out now and haven't talked since late July. I'm getting better but it's still hard. I have good and bad days. Sometimes I wan to reach out but I don't. There is no use. I'm trying to move forward. She has not contacted me but there are 3 instances where I think she was in my house when I wasn't home. She still has my key. The latest being my front door wide open when I came home. I know for sure it was locked when I left.

[toddinrochester]

I took back the garage door opener she had and changed the alarm code as soon as she left with her stuff that day. I wonder if there is a site for people with BPD like this one where they talk about stuff? Or do they think nothing is wrong with them?

[toddinrochester]

The worst part was the day before we broke up I had gotten her this antique pharmacy scale on eBay. In the start of our relationship she told me how her ex had stolen it. I felt so bad for her. I spent like $400 on it. I feel so used. So used. She offered to send me a check for it and I wished I had accepted. But the gift wasn't really relationship loaded. I wanted her to start taking her life back from the abusive ex. When all along the whole thing was a scam.

[enlighten me]

Only weeks before dumping me my ex wife wanted me to buy her a BMW. She went on and on about it. Im so glad I didn't do it. She must have known what she was intending and held out doing it until I went abroad for work.

[Bigmd]

I bought plenty of gifts. 1500.00 Louis Vuitton bag, a bike, flowers sent to her work jus because, payed for everything... .etc. when you take a step back you kinda feel taken advantage of. It sucks! I go from sadness to anger a lot.

[toddinrochester]

I still will never get out of my head how hard she cried the day she got her stuff. How she lied to my sister saying she needed time to work through her past and that I said I didn't have that time. She was literally wailing she was crying so bad. I actually felt like I meant something. Then after that point absolutely refused to see me in person or talk on the phone. She had to pick up something else of hers and I went to the store and got her one of those nice bags and put her favorite candy and stuff in there and Calvin and Hobbes book and a card, she told me to leave it on the porch because she couldn't bare seeing me and how much it would hurt her.  Because at that time I had no idea who she really was. Its sad. I am a good guy and a great boyfriend and she would always say "I don't deserve you" and "You are the nicest guy I ever met" and my favorite. "I have never been more comfortable and felt more confident with anyone before in my life". All lies... .

[Seeks]

I have grappled with some of the same issues.

I believe you could possibly be incorrect in your assumption that all those great things she said about you were lies. PwBPD can have intense emotional responses.

Think of it this way. When things were great between the two of you, you were ecstatic. You had found the perfect girl for you and you fell in love.

Now, your relationship has ended. You see faults in her. You are angry and feel betrayed.

Does how you feel now mean that when you were in love with her you were lying?

Now to put yourself in her position, take your emotions, how you are feeling, and multiply them by ten.

What she said about you at the time was most likely how she felt about you at that moment.

I am not going to analyze or justify her behavior but I can tell you what I believe about my girlfriend. 

Being on a dating site is an ego boost. Her self esteem got lifted from all the positive attention from men that desired her, told her she was beautiful etc etc.

For a person with a low self image, that can be an intoxicating thing that is difficult to let go of.

Attention on Facebook filled some of that void, periodically though I found out she would spend some time on dating sites.

It's a hard one not to take personally

[toddinrochester]

Seeks. I want to thank you for grounding me today. You are exactly correct. I am at that stage (the split was three weeks ago) where I am still not believing that someone could say those things and then walk away. So they must not be true. I still have the "I am going to marry you and have your babies" text screen shot that I am going to delete in a few minutes. I think you are wise in what you said but I also can't understand how anyone rationally could walk away from "The best thing that has happened to them". But thats just it. I am not BPD and I truly do not understand how they process things. I can just assume. Which is through a filter of hurt and pain. Thank you.

[Bigmd]

Todd, mine said same thing throughout our relationship . I had a big heart, I treated her like a princess etc... .I like to think she loved me and meant it ,but sometimes I'm not sure.

Seeks my ex never liked me to compliment her. Never liked me calling her sexy or beautiful. She said it made her feel uncomfortable and put pressure on her? But I think that goes back to her being 48 and lying about her age.

[Seeks]

BigMd

After the honeymoon phase my girlfriend could not accept compliments if they deviated from how she saw herself. This was in her early 30's , knock down drag out beautiful.

When she was feeling good about herself and I complimented her she would say thanks.

If i complimented her when she wasn't, she imagined I was doing it with ulterior motives, that I just wanted something from her (sex). Then later stopped wanting to dress in front of me. She said I was oogling her and it made her feel uncomfortable. Like your gf, she felt I was pressuring her.

She instead sought out validation that she was beautiful from men online, Facebook etc.

Seeking positive attention from people she wasn't actually with meant no threat of any kind of real intimacy. And I'm not just talking about sexual intimacy.

When you were complimenting your girlfriend the pressure of intimacy may have triggered engulfment issues. Or it just may not have coincided with what she was feeling about herself. In which case she saw you either lying to her or you wanted something from her.

[Bigmd]

Yes I'm starting to think engulfment had a lot to do with our demise. We were getting close to getting engaged and getting a house together. That coupled with a lot of her family stress, I never had a chance. I always did find it weird her issues with being beautiful. To me she was and I wanted her to know.

[Mcbraniff]

I totally understand the 'leave my stuff on the porch' situation. It happened exactly like that with me on the few occasions where she had bits of her stuff to pick up after the breakup.

[hopealways]

Yes I'm starting to think engulfment had a lot to do with our demise. We were getting close to getting engaged and getting a house together. That coupled with a lot of her family stress, I never had a chance. I always did find it weird her issues with being beautiful. To me she was and I wanted her to know.

Engulfment certainly led to the demise of my relationship. We were getting to the point of moving in together and her promising to give it her all and boom she was over and out. She just couldn't move forward, it was as though she was paralyzed.

[C.Stein]

Engulfment certainly led to the demise of my relationship. We were getting to the point of moving in together and her promising to give it her all and boom she was over and out. She just couldn't move forward, it was as though she was paralyzed.

Mine was the opposite.  She is so consumed with her desire for a family right now she will do anything, no matter how ill advised and destructive, to get it.  She is headed down a road that will lead to a sorrow and despair she has never experienced in her life.  My heart breaks knowing what her future will most likely hold.