Hard to think about ex always failing

[DaKid]

This is one of the things I know I shouldn't be thinking about but can't stop thinking about.

I have realized that she will continue this pattern with all relationships failing. I can't help but feel so bad for her. I love her that much that I just want her to be happy in life. And I'm not sure she will ever be. It's like I hate what has happened between us. But I don't wish her to be miserable forever. Maybe it's just the breakup talking. Or the hurt... .

[saintgrey]

I know what your talking about because i feel the same way, after everything it kind of hurts to know that they might continue doing the same thing for the rest of their lives and destroy anything good they have going on... .i guess its because we really cared for this people.

I just accept that its no my responsibility anymore and that it never was and make up for the years i lost.

[patientandclear]

I think it's more complicated than "they will never be happy."  While it appears pwBPD have feelings of deep despair from time to time, they also have coping mechanisms (albeit dysfunctional ones) that assist in making it feel like the relationship they are imploding is a good thing to get away from, and the next chapter is going to be better somehow.  These may not be reality-based, but that doesn't mean they can't mask the losses pretty effectively.

The account I've heard from my ex about how everything is OK or going to be OK is one I think he fervently believes about 90% of the time.  Maybe 10% of the time he has doubts, but those coping mechanisms get working overtime to take care of that.

[hopealways]

DaKid, have you ever stopped to give these same feelings to yourself?

[parisian]

We want the best for them because we loved them but let's not forget we are talking about adults here. Yes they might have the emotional maturity of a kid, but when someone is physically sick, they take themselves off to the physician. For a pwBPD to get 'better' they must force themselves to face the disorder and take action.

That is something that is incredibly hard for them to do, but it is the only way to relieve their disorder and obtain some type of 'happiness' for the future. As was also mentioned above, they do achieve happiness through some of their dysfunctional behaviours - a new relationship always creates that initial happiness for them which is why they have trouble being alone.

[DaKid]

Thanks for the responses.

I guess it is a lot more complicated. I do think it is a coping mechanism. And maybe pwBPD can make the losses quickly. Kinda explains how they can move on so quickly too.

Actually I haven't thought enough about ME being happy. I should do more of that thinking now.

I know I'm thinking way too much about that vicious cycle. Chasing the new relationship for the initial happiness... .

So confusing.

[Darsha500]

It's really tragic isn't it Dakid.

All of us here got to come face to face with some severe psychopathology. The kind that makes one say, "the Horror, the horror."

I saw that you replied to a thread of mine in which i reported how I had learned of my replacement, and how huge of a blow this was to me. Thinking about it in this moment, it feels kindof F'd up how I take solace in the conviction that her new relationship is doomed to fail... .I am quite ambivalent towards her I see. I don't want that vindictive mentality. I'm surrendering it this instant (and I'll surely have to do this again and again). This desire for revenge, it stems from my bruised ego. The ego wants separation, the spirit wants connection. My therapist told me that and it's always stuck with me.

I wished my ex well during my closing statements. I made it a point to not express any hostility, just love. I did tell her, however, that I felt she would not be able to have a fulfilling romantic relationship if she did not get treatment for her BPD. I have no idea of the impact of my last message on her. I hope it made a positive impact, and even expressed to her the hope that I had been a source of light in her life. But i've learned that hope doesn't always pan out for us in the end. Its entirely possible that she sees me as evil. Its entirely out of my hands. I have absolutely no control. I must accept the things I cannot change.

All that is left for me now is to pray.   I'm not even religious, But I do it anyway... .Just incase.  

I hold out my faith, and I hold out my hope, i lift my arms to the heavens, I bow my head. I pray that her own drive towards wholeness will lead her to true healing, and to an understanding of true love. I wish this for her.

I've been reflecting on how the pain resulting from the fallout of this relationship has been some of the most intense and profound of my life. We who have loved the borderline, we are in a privileged position of sorts. That is to say, we are in the minority. Privileged, probably not the right word. I might get some flake for that. My point is, the quality of this pain, this tragedy, is so rich. You cannot walk away from an experience like this without experiencing a radical shift in perspective. I think our challenge is to capitalize on that shift as much as possible; to use it to propel us into a new dimension of consciousness.

Gratitude. Everyday. Gratitude for being alive, For being healthy and mentally fit. Thank you, thank you for my sanity. (I'm saying that to God, the source of existence, or whatever  

This experience of loss, of betrayal, of profound disappointment and abject misery. Mmmm. This is life in action. In a way I'm even grateful for my pain. Its carving me out like a raging river through a canyon. Shaping me into something new. This is mythic. Pain and loss of Mythic proportions.

A hero is one who endures through pain and is transformed by it. So says David Richo.

Let us wave goodbye to what we were, and to all that could have been. And welcome our future selves with open arms and open hearts.

[enlighten me]

I occasionally think of the BPD cycle as food.

You crave a burger. You get one and it was good. You get burgers every day until one day your sick of them. You crave pizza so you move onto pizza and the cycle continues.

Just because you went off burgers doesn't mean you didn't enjoy them. It was only at the end you stopped enjoying them.

The problem with a lot of pwBPD is they want the stability and security of a relationship but always want something new. They make themselves happy by constantly moving from one relationship to the next. This is ok while they still have their looks but one day I imagine my exgf will be the sad old woman in a bar that is a bit of a joke. Or she will have settled for someone who she is not happy with and eventually have to eat that burger for the rest of her life.

[DaKid]

It's really tragic isn't it Dakid.

All of us here got to come face to face with some severe psychopathology. The kind that makes one say, "the Horror, the horror."

I saw that you replied to a thread of mine in which i reported how I had learned of my replacement, and how huge of a blow this was to me. Thinking about it in this moment, it feels kindof F'd up how I take solace in the conviction that her new relationship is doomed to fail... .I am quite ambivalent towards her I see. I don't want that vindictive mentality. I'm surrendering it this instant (and I'll surely have to do this again and again). This desire for revenge, it stems from my bruised ego. The ego wants separation, the spirit wants connection. My therapist told me that and it's always stuck with me.

I wished my ex well during my closing statements. I made it a point to not express any hostility, just love. I did tell her, however, that I felt she would not be able to have a fulfilling romantic relationship if she did not get treatment for her BPD. I have no idea of the impact of my last message on her. I hope it made a positive impact, and even expressed to her the hope that I had been a source of light in her life. But i've learned that hope doesn't always pan out for us in the end. Its entirely possible that she sees me as evil. Its entirely out of my hands. I have absolutely no control. I must accept the things I cannot change.

All that is left for me now is to pray.   I'm not even religious, But I do it anyway... .Just incase.  

I hold out my faith, and I hold out my hope, i lift my arms to the heavens, I bow my head. I pray that her own drive towards wholeness will lead her to true healing, and to an understanding of true love. I wish this for her.

I've been reflecting on how the pain resulting from the fallout of this relationship has been some of the most intense and profound of my life. We who have loved the borderline, we are in a privileged position of sorts. That is to say, we are in the minority. Privileged, probably not the right word. I might get some flake for that. My point is, the quality of this pain, this tragedy, is so rich. You cannot walk away from an experience like this without experiencing a radical shift in perspective. I think our challenge is to capitalize on that shift as much as possible; to use it to propel us into a new dimension of consciousness.

Gratitude. Everyday. Gratitude for being alive, For being healthy and mentally fit. Thank you, thank you for my sanity. (I'm saying that to God, the source of existence, or whatever  

This experience of loss, of betrayal, of profound disappointment and abject misery. Mmmm. This is life in action. In a way I'm even grateful for my pain. Its carving me out like a raging river through a canyon. Shaping me into something new. This is mythic. Pain and loss of Mythic proportions.

A hero is one who endures through pain and is transformed by it. So says David Richo.

Let us wave goodbye to what we were, and to all that could have been. And welcome our future selves with open arms and open hearts.

Thank you for these words. I agree totally. It's time to wave goodbye to what we were and to what could have been. It is definitely hard. But I do look forward to our future selves.