It's really tragic isn't it Dakid.
All of us here got to come face to face with some severe psychopathology. The kind that makes one say, "the Horror, the horror."
I saw that you replied to a thread of mine in which i reported how I had learned of my replacement, and how huge of a blow this was to me. Thinking about it in this moment, it feels kindof F'd up how I take solace in the conviction that her new relationship is doomed to fail... .I am quite ambivalent towards her I see. I don't want that vindictive mentality. I'm surrendering it this instant (and I'll surely have to do this again and again). This desire for revenge, it stems from my bruised ego. The ego wants separation, the spirit wants connection. My therapist told me that and it's always stuck with me.
I wished my ex well during my closing statements. I made it a point to not express any hostility, just love. I did tell her, however, that I felt she would not be able to have a fulfilling romantic relationship if she did not get treatment for her BPD. I have no idea of the impact of my last message on her. I hope it made a positive impact, and even expressed to her the hope that I had been a source of light in her life. But i've learned that hope doesn't always pan out for us in the end. Its entirely possible that she sees me as evil. Its entirely out of my hands. I have absolutely no control. I must accept the things I cannot change.
All that is left for me now is to pray. I'm not even religious, But I do it anyway... .Just incase.
I hold out my faith, and I hold out my hope, i lift my arms to the heavens, I bow my head. I pray that her own drive towards wholeness will lead her to true healing, and to an understanding of true love. I wish this for her.
I've been reflecting on how the pain resulting from the fallout of this relationship has been some of the most intense and profound of my life. We who have loved the borderline, we are in a privileged position of sorts. That is to say, we are in the minority. Privileged, probably not the right word. I might get some flake for that. My point is, the quality of this pain, this tragedy, is so rich. You cannot walk away from an experience like this without experiencing a radical shift in perspective. I think our challenge is to capitalize on that shift as much as possible; to use it to propel us into a new dimension of consciousness.
Gratitude. Everyday. Gratitude for being alive, For being healthy and mentally fit. Thank you, thank you for my sanity. (I'm saying that to God, the source of existence, or whatever
This experience of loss, of betrayal, of profound disappointment and abject misery. Mmmm. This is life in action. In a way I'm even grateful for my pain. Its carving me out like a raging river through a canyon. Shaping me into something new. This is mythic. Pain and loss of Mythic proportions.
A hero is one who endures through pain and is transformed by it. So says David Richo.
Let us wave goodbye to what we were, and to all that could have been. And welcome our future selves with open arms and open hearts.
