She checks in every week

[Rameses]

Beach babe. It varies. To tell me she misses me. To tell me it doesn't have to be this way. To ask if I've moved on yet or if I am with someone. To tell me she's single. To tell me she's dating. To tell me she's moved on and is really happy. To tell me she's not happy with new man. Etc etc. at the moment she's playing the single / missing me / things could be different angle

These are the same mind games she played while you were together, to keep you on the hook, to play with you like a little puppet. You are addicted to her "reach outs", it gives you the illusion that you are still in a relationship with her, which means you do not have the space to begin the healing process.

NC is a strategy to admit to yourself that the relationship is over for good, no more madness, no more self blaming, no more drama now more rollar coaster rides. And the only way to do that is to not allow her to have access to you. This is not about punishing her or trying to make her feel bad, it's about YOU for once. Doing what's best for you. And as long as you are allowing another person to put that needle in your arm and give you a "hit" you recovery cannot begin.

Don't get me wrong this will be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you have to experience the short term pain to gain the long term freedom is worth it. And there are plenty of folks on this board that will attest to that.

I am in the midst of my own NC battle, so let's do this together.

LET TODAY BE THE DAY YOU SAY... .NO MORE... .I WANT TO BE FREE!

[Remiman]

Beach babe. It varies. To tell me she misses me. To tell me it doesn't have to be this way. To ask if I've moved on yet or if I am with someone. To tell me she's single. To tell me she's dating. To tell me she's moved on and is really happy. To tell me she's not happy with new man. Etc etc. at the moment she's playing the single / missing me / things could be different angle

These are the same mind games she played while you were together, to keep you on the hook, to play with you like a little puppet. You are addicted to her "reach outs", it gives you the illusion that you are still in a relationship with her, which means you do not have the space to begin the healing process.

NC is a strategy to admit to yourself that the relationship is over for good, no more madness, no more self blaming, no more drama now more rollar coaster rides. And the only way to do that is to not allow her to have access to you. This is not about punishing her or trying to make her feel bad, it's about YOU for once. Doing what's best for you. And as long as you are allowing another person to put that needle in your arm and give you a "hit" you recovery cannot begin.

Don't get me wrong this will be the hardest thing you've ever done. But you have to experience the short term pain to gain the long term freedom is worth it. And there are plenty of folks on this board that will attest to that.

I am in the midst of my own NC battle, so let's do this together.

LET TODAY BE THE DAY YOU SAY... .NO MORE... .I WANT TO BE FREE!

Thanks Rameses. Your right. I know your right. I understand everything you've said and know it to be true. I'm not a stupid man. Most people I know think I'm the cleverest person they know. Yet I keep doing stupid stuff. I can't go NC. I can't do it. Even if I did we would see each other within a week in any case. But thanks for the words of wisdom. One day I might be strong enough

[JohnLove]

Thanks Rameses. Your right. I know your right. I understand everything you've said and know it to be true. I'm not a stupid man. Most people I know think I'm the cleverest person they know. Yet I keep doing stupid stuff. I can't go NC. I can't do it. Even if I did we would see each other within a week in any case. But thanks for the words of wisdom. One day I might be strong enough

Remiman, that IS enough. Healing and growing is a very personal experience not to be compared to others. You know what's best for you. Proceed at your own pace.

[Remiman]

Thanks Rameses. Your right. I know your right. I understand everything you've said and know it to be true. I'm not a stupid man. Most people I know think I'm the cleverest person they know. Yet I keep doing stupid stuff. I can't go NC. I can't do it. Even if I did we would see each other within a week in any case. But thanks for the words of wisdom. One day I might be strong enough

Remiman, that IS enough. Healing and growing is a very personal experience not to be compared to others. You know what's best for you. Proceed at your own pace.

Thanks

[Mutt]

Thanks Rameses. Your right. I know your right. I understand everything you've said and know it to be true. I'm not a stupid man. Most people I know think I'm the cleverest person they know. Yet I keep doing stupid stuff. I can't go NC. I can't do it. Even if I did we would see each other within a week in any case. But thanks for the words of wisdom. One day I might be strong enough

Remiman, that IS enough. Healing and growing is a very personal experience not to be compared to others. You know what's best for you. Proceed at your own pace.

Thanks

Hi Reminan,

I'm sorry to hear that. It sounds like you're walking on eggshells.

But now I feel completely overwhelmed. I've tried so hard but it's coming to a head again. I care about her so much but every time I'm with her it gets me down.

Are you feeling overwhelmed? I can see how hard that would feel when you care so much about someone and they get you down at the same time.

[Remiman]

Hi mutt. The feeling overwhelmed comes and goes. She turned up last night to talk about the crises going on. How's this for one conversation - death in the family, most recent ex being verbally abusive, has reported his friend for physical abuse, trying to dispel rumours of sleeping with anothe guy, and also in contact with two other exes, one of whom she was texting while at mine. I got rid of her without anything happening but it was so hard. I should tell her to f*%k off but I still want to see her again. I know the more this plays over in my head today the worse I am going to get, and then the feeling of being overwhelmed will come. I kind of feel I need to keep it on friendly terms because of social circle, but doing so means being someone who is willing to deal with all the crises and problems, be a rock, and all the time be immune to the subtle and not so subtle attempts to re-engage constantly. Put up with the put downs and talking about other guys. This is not fair as she can swan off feeling better and leave me in a mess. But I keep letting it happen. The date on the quote you put - start of April. But this has been going on since July 2014. I keep giving her a chance, expecting her to come with the intention of making things right and making a go of things. But she seems to think turning up and telling me she has fallen out with her most recent ex is enough and we can go back to how things were

[Mutt]

Hi Reminan,

The first step is always the hardest

I'm sorry to hear that she had a death in the family.

BPD is a persecution complex, feelings of being victimized, blaming others; a dependency on others to take care of things that the person should really take care of themselves. She doesn't sound like she has good things to say about her ex partners?

But she seems to think turning up and telling me she has fallen out with her most recent ex is enough and we can go back to how things were

She wants rescue.

The feelings of being overwhelmed ebbs and flows, you're walking on eggshells when she comes to you with drama. I understand how that feels.

You have your needs to? How about self protection for a little while to get you to start feeling better and alleviate those overwhelming feelings with detaching; it's Ok if you're in the same circle of friends.

[Remiman]

Hi Reminan,

The first step is always the hardest

I'm sorry to hear that she had a death in the family.

BPD is a persecution complex, feelings of being victimized, blaming others; a dependency on others to take care of things that the person should really take care of themselves. She doesn't sound like she has good things to say about her ex partners?

But she seems to think turning up and telling me she has fallen out with her most recent ex is enough and we can go back to how things were

She wants rescue.

The feelings of being overwhelmed ebbs and flows, you're walking on eggshells when she comes to you with drama. I understand how that feels.

You have your needs to? How about self protection for a little while to get you to start feeling better and alleviate those overwhelming feelings with detaching; it's Ok if you're in the same circle of friends.

How to self protect though? When I see her I crumble. When she contacts me I crumble. When I spend time alone with her I'm torn between wrapping her in my arms and thinking "is anything you are telling me true?". Then when she goes, I'm lost and ruminating. She knows what triggers me (causing my anxiety etc) but she can't even stop doing these things (like texting) for two minutes when she is with me

[Mutt]

What activity or function do you participate in where you have to see her once a week?

[Remiman]

What activity or function do you participate in where you have to see her once a week?

Sports team. Might sound stupid to some but it is the only thing that motivates me at the moment. Family an friends say leave, join another team, but that's easy for people to say.

[Mutt]

What activity or function do you participate in where you have to see her once a week?

Sports team. Might sound stupid to some but it is the only thing that motivates me at the moment. Family an friends say leave, join another team, but that's easy for people to say.

That sounds like fun. You're getting out and connecting with people, camaraderie, team work, stress reliever, you're passionate about it... .

How about tweaking your boundaries with minimal contact? If these are things that you don't like to discuss like her boyfriend and ex boyfriends, don't respond to that stuff when she texts? You can tell her that you need your space and respond to what is valid and what's not distressing like if she talks about your sports team?

She might push back on your boundaries, it's hard at first to defend them but if you keep at it she'll understand that you're likely not going to respond to personal stuff. We can't control what someone else does but we can control how we respond and we don't have to be a rock for someone that makes poor choices, impulsive or not. We enable that type of behavior if we're fixers / helpers, we can have compassion with boundaries and we're not responsible for somebody else's feelings.

It's difficult when someone is emotionally immature and have poor boundaries, don't understand the boundaries of others and often want instant gratification, she'll get the picture if you defend your boundaries and not JADE ( Justify, Attack, Explain, Defend) your values. Say things once, that way it minimizes opportunities for conflict and puts a stop to the emotional rollercoaster.

It does get better  

[myself]

I keep giving her a chance, expecting her to come with the intention of making things right and making a go of things. But she seems to think turning up and telling me she has fallen out with her most recent ex is enough and we can go back to how things were

You're expecting her to change, but she's showing she's not going to.

That's where many of us get stuck. Waiting, hoping, anxious, projecting.

You could state a boundary: "It bothers me when you talk about other guys... ."

Then when she crosses the line you can choose your next (healthy) move.

You'd need to follow through with it though to change your own patterns.

Going backwards often leads us to SNAFU. Forwards = 'Freedom'.

[Remiman]

Thanks guys. I know I'm wishing my life away, and I actually see it for what it is, but man it torments me. If I had a switch to turn ally feelings off, I don't even think I could use it. How pathetic 

[Rameses]

Remiman

I totally get it, the pain that just pierces through your body like a jolt of electricity when we think about our significant other and living without them.

I can`t really think of a worse feeling, it just drains hope from your soul.

We are not able to comprehend not having this person in our lives in some capacity. And we bargain with ourselves to try to figure out a way to move forward in our lives without the pain. We hurt if we stay and we hurt if we go, that`s bondage. I have recycled 6 times. I thought going back would be the lesser of two evils, but after just a few weeks the madness started all over again.

So I feel your pain my friend, and I hate it for you.

I`m sure you realize that she has the best of both worlds at your expense. She is allowed to go out and pursue other relationships and if they don`t go well she has you to fall back on. She has found a way to escape the pain, but unfortunately that puts you on an emotional roller coaster ride of pain and sorrow.

Let me ask you a question... .what is the longest you have ever gone with NC?

[Remiman]

Remiman

I totally get it, the pain that just pierces through your body like a jolt of electricity when we think about our significant other and living without them.

I can`t really think of a worse feeling, it just drains hope from your soul.

We are not able to comprehend not having this person in our lives in some capacity. And we bargain with ourselves to try to figure out a way to move forward in our lives without the pain. We hurt if we stay and we hurt if we go, that`s bondage. I have recycled 6 times. I thought going back would be the lesser of two evils, but after just a few weeks the madness started all over again.

So I feel your pain my friend, and I hate it for you.

I`m sure you realize that she has the best of both worlds at your expense. She is allowed to go out and pursue other relationships and if they don`t go well she has you to fall back on. She has found a way to escape the pain, but unfortunately that puts you on an emotional roller coaster ride of pain and sorrow.

Let me ask you a question... .what is the longest you have ever gone with NC?

i hear what you are saying and it is spot on. I am her "safe place". She's told me. The relationships she gets into after our breakups are always with folk her own age (she's 16 yr younger than me) and she always says the lack of maturity with those guys is what keeps driving her back to me. I'm safe for her. But she doesn't make me feel safe. Wanted, desired, needed, yes. But doesn't stop her responding to attention from anyone who tries. There's always a new "friend" that's flavour of the month and I'm controlling when, quite rightly in my opinion, I get upset about it.

To answer your question - 10 days. Every day hoping she would find a way, turn up or whatever. I found the urge to contact her went away, but still waited on her.

[Rameses]

I`m going to let others be the ones to give you advice about taking it at your own pace, just do what you can, celebrate little victories etc.

I gotta  tell you this woman who is playing with your mind, heart and soul really ticks me off. I hate that one human being has so much control over another.

But I guarantee you there is a day coming when you are going to finally say, enough is enough and decide to get off the ride.

Until you get to that day, search yourself and find out why you allow someone to treat you this way. You don`t deserve to live like this, you can have a happy healthy relationship with will protect your heart and not tear it apart.