i took the civil "high road" but I'm pissed at myself...

[Depression = 72% of members]

If you've been following some of my more recent posts you know my story somewhat... A few months after the final discard... I broke NC tried to reach out and got burned or "rejected" ... A few days later I was playing back the"r/s" in my head and decided to contact my BPDex ex boyfriend... He revealed some startlingly info... Alot of lies etc etc her bouncing between us from time to time... While still keeping me on the hook and making sure I was all hers... Basically. Alot of jealousy despite her having 2 guys ... Projection. I guess? Anyways he showed her the msgs she called me and gave me a memorable tounge lashing... Just any mean thing she could say... Even though she did what. She did ... She wasn't. Sorry at all... 0 remorse... After she said that to me I could of sent her the worst  text msg of all time breaking her down... .What did I do instead? Sent her a warm msg "despite what you think I am doing well in life... Pursing my dreams blah blah...   Congrats. On X that's. Impressive I wish you. Good luck... You do you   take care" paraphrasing slightly. Point is I could of destroyed her after what she's down... How. She's made me feel... .But I was nice... .Now I'm kind of pissed that I was nice about it.  She must be thinking wow does he even have a back bone?... She deserved  some negative energy... But instead I gave her some positive vibes... .

[problemsolver]

If you've been following some of my more recent posts you know my story somewhat... A few months after the final discard... I broke NC tried to reach out and got burned or "rejected" ... A few days later I was playing back the"r/s" in my head and decided to contact my BPDex ex boyfriend... He revealed some startlingly info... Alot of lies etc etc her bouncing between us from time to time... While still keeping me on the hook and making sure I was all hers... Basically. Alot of jealousy despite her having 2 guys ... Projection. I guess? Anyways he showed her the msgs she called me and gave me a memorable tounge lashing... Just any mean thing she could say... Even though she did what. She did ... She wasn't. Sorry at all... 0 remorse... After she said that to me I could of sent her the worst  text msg of all time breaking her down... .What did I do instead? Sent her a warm msg "despite what you think I am doing well in life... Pursing my dreams blah blah...   Congrats. On X that's. Impressive I wish you. Good luck... You do you   take care" paraphrasing slightly. Point is I could of destroyed her after what she's down... How. She's made me feel... .But I was nice... .Now I'm kind of pissed that I was nice about it.  She must be thinking wow does he even have a back bone?... She deserved  some negative energy... But instead I gave her some positive vibes... .

[problemsolver]

Can't find the edit button on my phone ... But surely she deserves to know what she did was awful? But as the days go by it becomes less and less relevant... Can I even revisit it? And tell her how awful she is... How bad it made me feel? Take into account peoples feelings? I need someone to drop some sense into me considering she already most likely has a replacement as well... And this argument was like 2 weeks ago?

[myself]

Was it new info to him, too?

Is that why he contacted her?

It's your life.

If you have something left unsaid, say it.

If it's time to move, move on.

Which one is the better road for you?

[problemsolver]

Was it new info to him, too?

Is that why he contacted her?

It's your life.

If you have something left unsaid, say it.

If it's time to move, move on.

Which one is the better road for you?

It was news to him but he didn't seemed surprised by the deception... He's known her longer then I have... I don't know how he approached her... " u fcking liar" or" I just spoke with so and so" either way he got himself painted white... She said "he told me because he cares about me"... .I just thought I don't care about you? Sure thing ... He claims he wants nothing to do with her but he seems hooked still ... He was like "even though she's with a new guy I think... .She tells my friend she still loves me and wants to be with me"... So he's still in on triangulation and sitting with hooks in em. But yeah I mean I need to move on I'm beating a dead horse... I exposed it, got closure ... I really shouldn't need anything else... I just get pissed thinking about it from time to time...

[purekalm]

I've done this on countless occasions, so I can relate. I have taken the "high road" so many times even though he didn't deserve my thoughtfulness.

I think there are a couple reasons why I personally have done this.

One, I tried hard to make sure I was doing the "right" thing because I was tired of being painted black and could go back and "prove" myself later.

Two, I believe at the moment I didn't want to get sucked into another round of craziness.

Three, I had this warped sense of still trying to make everything seem alright, not upsetting the person that deserved to be socked in the face. LOL

Four, I just honestly wanted to do the right thing.

I think those feelings of being ticked at ourselves come when we aren't doing the right thing just because it's the right thing and we have another motive, no matter how hard that is to admit to ourselves. (Gulp) Swallowed my own pride one too many times not to realize the issue.

I mean, we're totally justifying in our minds that they deserve it. I think there is a part of that though where we just know that two wrongs won't make it right. What's the point in starting another needless argument and going around in more crazy circles? It's not easy to look inside and see the wrong in yourself after you've been in a relationship with someone like this because you've already had so much negativity projected on you.

It's at times like this that my own little motto comes in handy, though it's a hard pill to swallow. "The truth hurts, but it's still the truth and the truth it will remain." Here's hoping you can do a little self reflection in a tough time to take the focus off of the person and onto how you can continue to heal. =)

[enlighten me]

Hi Problemsolver

Look at it another way. Although not your intention you probably hurt her more than you realise.

By taking the moral high ground and not reacting as expected it will have thrown her. She probably wonders why you didn't react as expected. Going through her head now is probably the fact that as you didn't react you don't care. This is worse than reacting as it means they are not as important as they think. You have made he feel worthless.

My exgf said she didn't like the fact that I hated my ex wife as that meant I still had feelings for her. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin where indifference means they don't matter and you have no feelings for them.

[Mutt]

But yeah I mean I need to move on I'm beating a dead horse... I exposed it, got closure ... I really shouldn't need anything else... I just get pissed thinking about it from time to time...

Hi problemsolver,

Do you feel like you want to take the high-road and it's hard? I can understand feeling angry and out of character. I think that there's a place and a time, maybe you're in the anger stage of the kubbler-ross model and the 5 stages of grieving?

[Teereese]

I've done this on countless occasions, so I can relate. I have taken the "high road" so many times even though he didn't deserve my thoughtfulness.

I think there are a couple reasons why I personally have done this.

One, I tried hard to make sure I was doing the "right" thing because I was tired of being painted black and could go back and "prove" myself later.

Two, I believe at the moment I didn't want to get sucked into another round of craziness.

Three, I had this warped sense of still trying to make everything seem alright, not upsetting the person that deserved to be socked in the face. LOL

Four, I just honestly wanted to do the right thing.

I think those feelings of being ticked at ourselves come when we aren't doing the right thing just because it's the right thing and we have another motive, no matter how hard that is to admit to ourselves. (Gulp) Swallowed my own pride one too many times not to realize the issue.

I mean, we're totally justifying in our minds that they deserve it. I think there is a part of that though where we just know that two wrongs won't make it right. What's the point in starting another needless argument and going around in more crazy circles? It's not easy to look inside and see the wrong in yourself after you've been in a relationship with someone like this because you've already had so much negativity projected on you.

It's at times like this that my own little motto comes in handy, though it's a hard pill to swallow. "The truth hurts, but it's still the truth and the truth it will remain." Here's hoping you can do a little self reflection in a tough time to take the focus off of the person and onto how you can continue to heal. =)

So relatable purekalm. 4 very relatable reasons too.

When I decided it was over ustbxBPDh said he wanted to be civil. Hahaha. He doesn't.kn9w how to be civil.

There are times, in reflection, that I think why did I bother to take the high road? I sometimes feel like I should have gotten down in the dirt.on his level.

I had allowed so much of myself to go to the wayside over the years. I wouldn't let myself be dragged any further and allow myself to allow him to do so.

As another poster pointed out ... .the times I did not react as he expected or wanted hurt him more than if I had gotten to his level. 

[cyclistIII]

I think there is a certain kind of power in staying civil and not losing your cool, and it is basically a way of saying (if only to yourself) "I'm not going to let this person get under my skin and make me lose my temper." Would destroying her really have made you feel better? It's a more intense engagement to fight than to just say "hope you're well, see ya." So maybe you made the right choice?

[problemsolver]

Hi Problemsolver

Look at it another way. Although not your intention you probably hurt her more than you realise.

By taking the moral high ground and not reacting as expected it will have thrown her. She probably wonders why you didn't react as expected. Going through her head now is probably the fact that as you didn't react you don't care. This is worse than reacting as it means they are not as important as they think. You have made he feel worthless.

My exgf said she didn't like the fact that I hated my ex wife as that meant I still had feelings for her. Love and hate are two sides of the same coin where indifference means they don't matter and you have no feelings for them.

this is a different way of looking at it... Sometimes you just need to change the way you see things , I suppose.

Cheers

[problemsolver]

But yeah I mean I need to move on I'm beating a dead horse... I exposed it, got closure ... I really shouldn't need anything else... I just get pissed thinking about it from time to time...

Hi problemsolver,

Do you feel like you want to take the high-road and it's hard? I can understand feeling angry and out of character. I think that there's a place and a time, maybe you're in the anger stage of the kubbler-ross model and the 5 stages of grieving?

I've definitely hit the depression for a few months... Was also in denial for a few months... I was fairly angry a couple days ago... But it its odd today I feel indifferent which would fall under resignation? What made me feel indifference? The reality that if she really wanted to msg me she would 2) whether real or perceived she has a replacement of some sort 3) she's been really quiet on social media... Which helps me. She used to tweet feelings like 10 times a day... It's slowed down maybe 1 or 2 a day if that... Which gives me less to think about or read into... So I'm not sure how I'll feel tomorrow. But I'm tired of all the energy I put into this person it's not worth it.