Adult Daughter BPD & I'm the Target

[JCR60]

Greetings-

My 28 yo daughter is now at a treatment center for self-medication/addictions and mental health treatment. She's the middle of three daughters - the other two are healthy. I'm struggling to find ways to communicate with my BPD. After lots of reading and research, I now understand that my ex-husband was raised by a BPD mother which has limited his ability to engage in a healthy and collaborative co-parenting style for our daughter while she's on her road to recovery.

I was the target of my deceased ex-in law and am the target of my daughter. I may sound like I'm playing the victim, but four years of therapy for me confirm my status. I know anyone who reads this understands my pain. After two times of "rescuing" my daughter and now the 3rd is getting her into residential treatment, it's  emotionally and physically exhausting.

My ex is her hero - I'm the  villain. I'm looking forward to support and information via this community so I can learn how to stop this cycle, set and maintain boundaries for my own sanity and how to communicate with my daughter. I send positive messages and continue to receive emotional blackmail and "nuclear attacks".

Thank you!

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[enlighten me]

Hi JCR

Welcome to the family.

Im sorry you have been through this and are still having to deal with it.

Is your ex on board or in denial about the situation? Was your ex stable or do you think he may also have issues?

I ask this as if you are able to show your daughter a united front then it may take some of her anger and frustration from being aimed at you.

The lessons in L5 parenting a son or daughter with BPD might be helpful to you.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=114267.0

Please keep posting and reading. There are a lot here that can sympathise with you as they have been or are still dealing with very similar circumstances.

EM

[JCR60]

Thank you, EM. My ex does accept that our daughter has mental health disease but will not collaborate with me. I did get her to the treatment center independently and he did come on board with financial support when she more expensive residential treatment. It's my understanding that he is paying her health insurance and is regular contact with her.

Weeks ago, I left him a voicemail thanking him for his contribution to her treatment. In the space of 12 hours, I received two messages from him.  The first was asking me to stop my narcissistic rantings and the second was thankin me for my work to get her to treatment and it would not of happened had I not worked as hard as I had. To me, that illustrates that he may himself be on the BPD spectrum.

Our 30 year marriage was filled with his moments of rage and then what I've come to understand as my cognitive  dissonance. I reacted and pushed back at his rage, instability and intimate withholding with my version of unhealthy coping skills. I looked for love and recognition via short-lived infidelities. Those were told to my daughter and she in turn, told her father. An incredibly unhealthy situation. The story goes on and on.

My ex and I were on a virtual group family therapy call together where he said he would  be a better communicator. I followed up 24 hours later with an email message to him what a great comment he had made and how I look forward to collaborating on.  Our daughters treatment. He has not replied, it's now been two weeks. I have to except and move on that he has his own emotional limitations and will not collaborate with me. I have to come to accept that  his inability to move past the issues that he and I have limits our ability to collaborate and communicate regarding her daughter. I'm on my own.

[enlighten me]

Hi JCR

If there is a likelihood that your ex is also BPD then the lessons on the co parenting board could be useful. By learning communication skills you may be able to get to a point where you and your ex can co operate with regards to your daughter.

Its good that he acknowledged your part. Its just a case of how to build from this.

This site has helped me to come to understand as much about me as it has about my exs. I hope it can be of as much help to you too.

[marie1057]

HI ICE,  I understand where you are coming from.  My undiagnosed adult son and husband,  whom I also believe has BPD traits, bond and push me aside. They drink together, watch ballgames, and I think my husband causes more damage and doesn't validate.  I do bring it to his attention and attempt to teach him. I treat my son with more kindness and validate him and I am seen as the villain. I get screamed at daily. So what I have done after years and years of depression is to go to therapy to learn how to deal with them and in the process I found myself. I set boundaries like I will leave the house or go in another room and do something I enjoy when the verbal stuff starts. Learning Mindfulness is really helping me too.  I am finally enjoying my life day by day instead of filling every moment with despair.