Projecting

[Parents! Get help here!]

HI Everyone, I haven't posted in a few months. I am wondering if anyone has ideas how to handle negative projections I am getting daily from my uBPDs.

I have been in therapy for 8 months because I became very depressed and I wanted to learn how to deal with him. Anyway, I am taking a class, making friends, going to the gym regularly, working in dbt workbooks, reading books and feel pretty good. I have come a long way from lying in bed depressed. He criticizes all my accomplishments every day and tells me I am mentally ill because I go to therapy. The major rages have died down because I consistently stick to my boundaries. The put downs and watching him feel unhappy are everyday. I do validate. I am just not sure what to say when he projects all this mental illness talk onto me. I have tried smiling and agreeing and that makes him more angry. Does anyone have any ideas for projections?

[marie1057]

HI Everyone, I haven't posted in a few months. I am wondering if anyone has ideas how to handle negative projections I am getting daily from my uBPDs.

I have been in therapy for 8 months because I became very depressed and I wanted to learn how to deal with him. Anyway, I am taking a class, making friends, going to the gym regularly, working in dbt workbooks, reading books and feel pretty good. I have come a long way from lying in bed depressed. He criticizes all my accomplishments every day and tells me I am mentally ill because I go to therapy. The major rages have died down because I consistently stick to my boundaries. The put downs and watching him feel unhappy are everyday. I do validate. I am just not sure what to say when he projects all this mental illness talk onto me. I have tried smiling and agreeing and that makes him more angry. Does anyone have any ideas for projections?

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Mutt]

The put downs and watching him feel unhappy are everyday. I do validate. I am just not sure what to say when he projects all this mental illness talk onto me. I have tried smiling and agreeing and that makes him more angry. Does anyone have any ideas for projections?

Hi marie1057,



I'm sorry to hear that. It must feel extra difficult when we're depressed .

Splitting is a primitive defense mechanism that protects against anxiety and stress and a pwBPD will split loved ones as either "all good or "all bad" and also split themselves.


I find that what helps me is that I know that my ex wife is not feeling good about something that's going on with her and is projecting those negative feelings about herself.

I understand how it can be a bit too much sometimes with put downs but I try to separate what's projection. Its not about me, its about her.

[marie1057]

I wanted to give some examples of his projections so I am clear what I am asking. If I understand correctly projecting is when someone says things about you that they feel about themselves. For instance he calls me a controlling B and the whole time he is attempting to control where I place things in my own house or what we watch on tv as a family. He calls me mentally ill or crazy everyday, perhaps he thinks that about himself. He says nobody likes me or wants to be around me even though currently he doesn't see any friends.  

Thank u for replying. I do understand its about him. I guess I am just looking for a good response to his projections. I appreciate any suggestions.

[jellibeans]

I think you start just where you are... .You have realized he is projecting and that is so important. You you realize that I think that takes the hurt out of those statements. When my dd does this I know she is hurting and suffering. I don't think I would engage her or try and defend myself at all. I guess it would depend how it was presented to me but I might use SET and that would be a way to show empathy and sympathy and still use a truth statement. I really try to ignore these kind of interaction with my dd.

[Mutt]

Yes. When you're called a controlling B, or crazy it may be that he's emotionally feeling out of control himself and he's projecting those feelings, a pwBPD have poor boundaries and the understanding of boundaries of others and don't know where one person ends and the other person begins, the person can often become enmeshed. Is he testing boundaries when he's calling you controlling? When he's feeling out of control he may try to control his environment to assuage feelings.

I can tell when my ex is emotionally dysregulated and I know that it will eventually pass and I depersonalize it.  When she calls me crazy, I don't JADE ( Justify, Attack, Defend, Explain ) because her projections are subconscious and most often it doesn't make the dysregulations worse and I'll find her in a calmer state later. I do draw the line with obscenities and tell her that it's not acceptable language and I won't respond if she uses that type of language.

It sounds like you're connecting with people, you're also going to the gym and taking classes. I could see that as an opportunity to step out when he's dysregulated, like going out for coffee or hitting the gym?

[js friend]

... .He says nobody likes me or wants to be around me even though currently he doesn't see any friends. 

Ive heard this one a few times from my own dd.

The way I handle  projections is not to engage. I used to JADE before I understood what was happening which would only escualate things  and lead to  circular arguments. It took me a while to see the pattern that she just needed an excuse to leave and many of these situational  projections had been pre planned.

It would happen like this... .Dd would project, I would JADE, an argument would take place, and dd would say something like" You see thats why I hate living here with you, all you do is argue!, then she would gather her stuff  up and leave. Even If I responded saying ":)D Im not going to argue with you" and leave the room , she would follow me, goading me for a response while enraged and when that failed she would again gather up her stuff and leave.The end result was always the same. She always ended up walking out regardless. My front door had been slammed so many times by dd we actually had trouble with it!

Using projections to get the expected  reaction became a great excuse for her to leave to be with her b/f or go wherever else she had orginally planned to go. Im sure she had her bag already packed most of the time so she knew what she was doing setting up the senario to leave. When I stopped JADEING and  responding the way I had before It really threw her. All of a sudden she didnt know what to do. There was no drama around her leaving I was too tired  for it anyway.She would still leave but it was much more quietly. I felt that I had turned a corner.DD was gonna do what she did regardless and she wasnt going to manipulate me any longer. When I reached that point  I had less drama in my home and my front door was also slammed a lot less