Taking care of self...

[Depression = 72% of members]

I understand the importance of taking care of self. I don't understand how you can do this when you have a BPD partner. I love the idea of spending time with family, friends, hobbies, etc. However, when I attempt to do this, it brings out the BPD rage. I'm sure you can imagine what is said during the rage. Anything that isn't about her is a threat and provokes her. How do you do this? How do I do those things to take care of myself without creating a battle?  Thank you.

[Steve4444]

I understand the importance of taking care of self. I don't understand how you can do this when you have a BPD partner. I love the idea of spending time with family, friends, hobbies, etc. However, when I attempt to do this, it brings out the BPD rage. I'm sure you can imagine what is said during the rage. Anything that isn't about her is a threat and provokes her. How do you do this? How do I do those things to take care of myself without creating a battle?  Thank you.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[flowerpath]

Is it a verbal rage only or does she go into a physical rage too? 

[CrazyChuck]

That's my problem as well. It sucks

[hellosun]

You do not engage in the battle. You do not JADE. You walk away. You do not have to listen to insults about you.

Using S.E.T. can be helpful before walking away: "I care about you. It must be awful to feel ______ (lonely, left out, etc.) My class (hobby, gathering, coffee with the guys) lasts for one hour. I will be back to spend time with you afterwards. Goodbye."

Easier said than done, I know.

[babyducks]

Taking responsibility for our own feelings of worth and lovability, instead of giving that job to others, moves us out from being victims.

For me I had to pick what I wanted to do, mine was spending time with family.   And do a little preliminary work.  Using the communications skills I learned here.   "I wanted to let you know that the family is having a get together next Sunday.   I wanted to give you plenty of advance notice that I will be attending.   I understand that makes you feel uncomfortable.   I will be home around XYZ."

hellosun is right.   if that provokes a rage, you don't engage.  don't justify, argue, defend or explain.   validate what you can.  do not listen to insults.   terminate the conversation and take a time out

How to take a time out

this is from that link:

HOW TO EXECUTE THE TIME OUT


Facing your Fear. We stay because we believe that if we leave that something bad will happen. We get so many threats and warnings from them. Ok, so face those fears then. Take the time to really examine them. Is it a legitimate fear? Can they really do what they are threatening? How many times have they followed through on previous threats? If they do follow through, will you be able to withstand the pressure to hold your own ground? What are you willing to lose? What will happen? Will they get even angrier than they are now? Will they not talk to you for a few hours, days? Will they punish you in some other fashion? If so, can you handle that? Is the fear greater than the reality? If they have gotten physical in the past, can I get away soon enough to prevent that from occurring again?

Their goal is to keep the argument going, since they are getting a release from it. Sticking around and listening to them communicates that you can be controlled and that they can do whatever they want to you. It reinforces the belief that they have the power, that you are weak and helpless. It guarantees that they won’t respect you - ever.

does that help?

[CrazyChuck]

I think part of the problem is the fear. You know if you go ahead and go bird watching with your friends for the afternoon. The BPD will do something to get back at you. They will hurt you over and over to punish you. And then the next time you want to go bird watching the BPD will bring up all that pain again. And if you go, the BPD will hurt you harder for days. It becomes not worth it. The fear is hard to break through.

[Steve4444]

Flowerpath, it is verbal rage.

[flowerpath]

Choosing one thing to start with, as babyducks suggested, makes sense to me. Like hello sun said, JADE won't help you at all.  JADE is all about you, but in your wife's mind, it's all about her and what she wants. 

In my situation, I had to sort through the range of verbal behaviors - complaints, verbal digs that are more emotional abuse, uglier cussing stuff - and decide ahead of time how I will respond to protect myself. 

For me, if it's the milder verbal behavior (like balking about how I'm baking something for someone besides our family, griping about how a friend is coming over to visit), I acknowledge his opinion or respond with S.E.T.  Just about every time I respond with SET, for the T part, I always start with "... .but the TRUTH of the matter is... ." That way SET communicates to him that I care about how he feels, but that the actual fact of the situation is different from the way he feels about it and that and I'm not taking on ownership of his feelings.

If it's the medium things (verbal digs meant to jab at me emotionally about my one hobby and one new skill I'm learning), most of the time I skip the SE of SET and just cut to the chase with the TRUTH stated as a fact about what he is saying to me rather than making any kind of defensive statement.  Then I don't participate in any argument about it, or if it turns into something stronger on his part, then I look at leaving the room.

When it comes to verbal rage, a mental stance like the one in babyducks' link has been really helpful for me.  I do have to be prepared every time he walks into the room because I don't know whether some other situation or some thought has agitated him or not.

If my h's voice or body language looks like it's headed the direction of wanting to pick a fight and I can see that it may escalate into the uglier stuff, I leave the room.  Sometimes I can act like I have something else to do and leave the room quietly, but sometimes I can't get out at all because something's cooking on the stove (in that case, I acknowledge what he's saying and choose not to participate in any kind of argument - just let his comments fall to the floor).  Sometimes I get in the car and go for a drive. Sometimes I can't leave fast enough.  There are times that he tells me "Come back!" (but I don't) or "Run, flowerpath, run!" (ignore it) or tells me where I can't go (keep going anyway).  Pretty obvious that those things are all about control. 

It's hard for a person to have a battle with someone who chooses not to participate.  They're just swinging a sword at thin air.  When you remove yourself from the place of the verbal rage or choose not to participate in a verbal battle, you are taking care of yourself.  You remove yourself as the pwBPD's target. 

I felt off-kilter when I first started changing the way I responded, and fear was part of that.  The hardest thing to do was walk away from it.  It felt unnatural not to stand there and defend myself, and at first, walking away felt weak rather than strong.  I think that the "Run, flowerpath, run" comments are meant to imply that I'm being weak, but I know that I'm actually being strong.  I  know I miss the boat many times, but making an effort to be as consistent as possible in walking away when the situation calls for it (and making great efforts not to invalidate) has decreased the uglier verbal stuff. 

[an0ught]

Hi Steve4444,

I understand the importance of taking care of self. I don't understand how you can do this when you have a BPD partner. I love the idea of spending time with family, friends, hobbies, etc. However, when I attempt to do this, it brings out the BPD rage. I'm sure you can imagine what is said during the rage. Anything that isn't about her is a threat and provokes her. How do you do this? How do I do those things to take care of myself without creating a battle?  Thank you.

this situation is quite normal for a BPD relationship that is too close, the pwBPD has few healthy regulation mechanisms and where there is some underlying fear of abandonment.

What you are facing are extinction bursts when you are trying to carve out/protect some private space. So all the rules of establishing boundaries apply i.e. don't give into extinction bursts. But also plan for boundaries, be aware that there will push-back, having a plan how to deal with it, knowing the price you are ok to pay. Often it is also useful to mentally prepare validation of abandonment, unfair, lonely etc... .Validation helps to heal the more dividing effect of boundaries. Still it would not be unusual to see some initial retaliatory game playing where she would e.g. mimic your move. In such a case - don't take the bait.

The first boundaries are the hardest but once established really help to provide you with some safe space for recovery and helping her to better sense her own emotions and regulate.