misuniadziubek
 Offline
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Romantic partner
Relationship status: Semi-long distance relationship living apart.
Posts: 383
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« on: October 12, 2015, 01:14:52 AM » |
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Just over two years together now. Currently neither of us is seeing anyone else, not living together. We spend Saturdays and Sundays together.
I've been very moody these past two days. I have less executive control than usual, and thus am more apt to outbursts and raising my voice when my pwBPD is passive aggressive or hypercritical towards me. The effect has been brutal on our interactions, though. We discussed it somewhat last night. We both agreed that the day felt as if we regressed back to how we used to be months ago before our 'therapeutic break'.
So today my pwBPD decided that he was going to tear apart a junk car that was left on his mom's driveway. We woke up around noon, packed up both our cars, bought a late breakfast at the nearest McDonald's and drove to his mom's house. I worked to help him dismantle the car patiently but around 4pm I informed him that I still had to go pick up some drugs at the pharmacy 30 minutes away, it closes at 6, and it's at least an hour drive in total. He acknowledged it, but asked that I go to the nearest auto parts store and buy him an axle socket so that he could continue working meanwhile. All is good.
- I left at 4:50 and considering my 4 hours of sleep last night, I grew really sleepy on the drive, so I stopped at a gas station and picked up two coffee energy drinks.
This was 5:25.
- I continued to the pharmacy, got my stuff, paid for it and left at 5:35.
- I continued to the auto parts store, explained what I needed, called my partner just in case to confirm I was getting the right part and he wanted it as a rental, and then paid for it.
- This was 5:45.
-I ended up taking the toll highway back because it was the fastest route. 20 minutes into the drive (6:05 pm) I get an angry phone call from my partner and he's yelling that I left 2 hours ago and took some of his tools with me, so he's been stuck for an hour without being able to do anything. I promptly hang up because I don't talk to him on the phone when he's yelling.
I get there at 6:15. He barely notices me, he's working on something or other. I bring all his tools up and the axle socket and he's angry, barely acknowledging me there.
"You know what took so long?"
"I don't care."
"The road. It's an hour drive there and back."
"Yeah, and you've been gone two. So what's your excuse now."
"I've been gone barely an hour and a half and that's how long it took me to do everything."
Silence.
"I got you a coffee drink in case you need some energy." This is a common trope of mine, to be honest. A small way to imply that I was thinking of him and his well-being, despite being away from him. Usually it makes him happy, unless he's too angry and just thinks it's a manipulation.
"Of course you did. Hah. The neighbour guy was saying 'she probably went to a coffee shop and ordered herself a machiatto non-soy frappe bull___ coffee, cause women waste time like that.'"
"No, I went to a gas station and got it in case you needed it."
(Mockingly)"Well thank you very much. You can leave now if you want. I don't want you here anymore."
It's a low blow. I put in the effort to do something nice for him and he acts like this. Plus, the neighbour's words are such drivel. Men who generalise like that about women are usually really insecure and don't know how to maintain a healthy relationship or communicate with a partner. In this case, my partner knows well that I wouldn't waste his time on something like that, but he's splitting and projecting and that really sucks.
I get really upset at his blatant disrespect of my gesture and attempts at provoking me and just go to sit in my car for 15 minutes while I calm down.
After I come back, we work on the car for another 2 hours before it gets too dark and the neighbours complain. He mentions at one point that he's sorry he got so angry with me. I tell him that it's okay, I understand his frustration, he wanted to get everything done before dark and doesn't like it when things don't go as planned.
Later I give him one of my larger t-shirts from my car since he doesn't have a proper change of clothes and drive him back home.
On the way, he again apologises for getting so incredibly angry and passive aggressive. I once again tell him okay, but I let him know that it really hurt me when he mocked the coffee thing because I only do things like that because I care about him and made me feel unappreciated. He apologises, tells me that it was just because of his frustration and he didn't mean to do that to me. He offers to take me out to dinner as a thank you gesture for helping him out all day. I tell him that he doesn't need to do that, but all the same, I wouldn't mind it.
We come home, he takes a shower and lays in bed with the TV for a bit, eventually getting up and going to the kitchen. I go to the kitchen dressed up already with keys in hand and he's standing there with 4 pieces of toast in his hand. "Oh, did you actually want to go out? Because you didn't tell me what you wanted."
I just smile. "It's fine. We can do whatever you want. I thought we'd go out to eat but if you want to just make some food that is fine as well."
He's uncertain. "Are you sure? I feel bad disappointing you. I just feel really tired after today."
"No, it is honestly fine, especially for that reason. I saw how much work you did today. You should just enjoy the evening. I'm honestly not at all that disappointed." I've told him I don't handle disappointment well and he actually tries to avoid doing things that would trigger that or feels immense guilt when he does.
He makes peanut butter and honey sandwiches for himself while I make myself eggs on toast and we settle in for the night in his room watching the latest episode of our favorite show.
Sure, we kind of went back in time for part of this weekend and that felt terrible for both of us (I can now see more of how my actions and reactions actually fed the resentment for so many months of our relationships) but in the end this evening was a reminder of how far we've gone.
We talk. We still have fights. He dysregulates at times. I am sometimes really invalidating and a pawn of my own emotions, but in the end we always re-establish the trust and respect and refuse to let anything fester and that gives us both a sense of security and comfort that neither of us have experienced in any previous romantic relationship.
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