Was it me?

[stacma04]

I'll try not to make my story too long, as I'm sure it has many similarities as yours.

My exBF and i were together for about two years. We've broken up gotten back together many times... Probably more times than i can count. last year I went NC for about 7 months. ( I should have stuck with it) During that 7 months he met another woman. In May we got back together, talked about marriage, looked at engagement rings, wedding venues etc. we took time off work to take a cruise together,... I mean I could have ended up going on this cruise by myself, or losing all that money.  a few weeks after getting back together, he broke up with me again and gets back with the OW, he had broken up with. Approximately one month of our break up he got engaged to the OW. It almost seemed like he proposed on the anniversary of our breakup, give or take a day or two. I cant help but wonder what it is about the OW that made him propose. Was it me? Was I just not good enough? Could he have seen something in the relationship that I didn't? Do people get engaged one month after breaking up and getting back together with someone else they had just broken up with? last year we went to see a therapist together, and when we were no contact he told me he went back to the same Therapist who told him not to get into another relationship until he was over me and took the time to heal. That engagement just seems like the final slap in the face to me. Its almost like he's taunting me to say see I didn't love you enough, I didn't see a future with you, to even propose to you, you meant nothing to me.  I just cant help but think that this OW is just  better in all aspect. I did check out his instagram, and he just looks so damn happy, with their kids and his new fiance... .and he could care less that he's left me broken again.


I'm heartbroken, I've been four months NC now... I changed my number, blocked his email and deactivated fb.  i just don't know what to make of any of this. If he knew he wanted to marry her, why even bother coming back to me after 7 months of NC just to future fake with me and then get engaged to someone else? Was it something about the OW that made him realize that's who he wants to spend his life with.

Any thoughts or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

[toddinrochester]

You are trying to make sense where there is none that will be found. It will never make sense. It sucks and it hurts. I am sorry you are going through this, It's incredibly painful.  Come here and vent when you need, we all have a similar story.

[cyclistIII]

I'm so sorry you are going through this. Do not blame yourself! He is caught up in his own internal drama that really has very little to do with you or with the OW as individuals; it is about the conflict between his own need for and fear of intimacy. He may be in a honeymoon phase with this OW right now, or he may be faking it, but either way, it won't last: he is fundamentally unstable in relationships and neither you nor the OW can change this.

I predict that in a couple of years, you are going to feel very lucky that you did not wind up marrying him. Be good to yourself and give it time.

[toddinrochester]

My exwBPD used to say "Fake it until you make it" as a way of doing things. Kinda fitting now.

[hopealways]

STACMA the biggest problem is trying to irrationalize an irrational, troubled, emotionally disordered individual's actions.  Tonight I told myself ENOUGH is ENOUGH! I can't keep second guessing myself, wondering if I should have said something differently etc. It's not us, it's them. They run away from intimacy which is what yours did, as soon as they felt like they were getting close. Then they run off to someone else and get married, but that will not last either, believe me!  Live your life and don't try to make sense of any of this. 

[Pretty Woman]

It's not you.

I repeat... .it's NOT you.

Honey, that is NOT normal behavior. To go back and forth like that.

My therapist summed it up for me. She told me my ex is "playing dolls". There is no emotion... .it's a game... .we are toys... .items... .not people to them.

I know this is hard. It is hard knowing his words meant nothing.

That is what you need to hold onto. His words NEVER matched his actions. Disordered or not, you deserve someone you can trust. Someone who is THERE for you.

I was abandoned when my dad was in the hospital. I was abandoned when I came out and lost 1/2 my friends and family. My ex left me when I needed her the most. THAT is abuse. Taking them back is allowing it to continue.

You are doing the right thing moving on. Do not think it's you and don't think the OW is better. My ex split 4mo ago and never spoke to me again. She is currently on vacation with the OW after dumping me before a HUGE expensive trip I ended up going alone on and having an awful time. Worst part is it was a milestone birthday for someone.

Am I angry? Yes. Am I sad? Yes.

Am I better off without this emotional succubus? A resounding YES.

It will get better. Please stop blaming yourself. All that does is hoist him on a pedestal he doesn't deserve to be on.

[sas1729]

It is neither normal nor kind. As others have said there is a lack of compassion in behaviours like that. I really hope that soon you will be able to look at this experience and be thankful that you got away. I stayed with my BPDex for 2.5 years. That's a short time compared to some here I know. I had to learn the hard way. And what I learned is that there are people out there who are compassionate, caring, and will love you equally.