who hurts more after the relationship? The "non" or person with BPD?

[dobie]

My opinion is that most of the time the NON hurts more after the relationship. Days, months or even years until some kind of realization sets in. This personal realization when it comes is the spark in the darkness that will become the olympic torch type flame that will light the way on the road to Happinessville or a place called Peaceville. The fortunate will have houses in both Ville's.  

I think a lot of BPD x's actually experience the hurt before you are even discarded. My x did weird stuff that looked much like grieving months before we were over. I believe and it seems that the facts support that they are not even grieving us as though we are an actual person. They are grieving the loss of a dream. I think they are often very angry that we wasted their time and let them down.

If you are the one that is discarded, I think the BPD x is over you, you are black to them. If you have discarded them though, that is a different story... .that will hurt them to the core even if they don't show you pain.

Seems that the time the x BPD partner will really hurt is much later in life after multiple failed relationships, babies with x partners, STD's, debt, no friends etc... .All of this due to their behavior and choices with people. At that point, maybe that will trigger an understanding and serve as the spark to light their way. If it doesn't,  their future will be loneliness and misery.    

Spot on ime my ex grieved in the r/s once she was sure she was OK without me 2-3 weeks bang I'm forgotten .

And then the rage and spite started as she tied up loose ends .

[dobie]

Dobie. It hurts more for you down the road? Did you feel anything at first? My exwBPD absolutely lost it when she came here to get stuff. It was hard seeing her cry like that.

At first after the initial anger I was relieved and was trying to be nice and reasonable  I'd had enough of her poop to last a lifetime ... .


I'm understanding via therapy its not her I really miss its the r/s and her regulating my self esteem as a mirror  but her as person no .

The only reason this has been so painful is due to my issues my foo my dysfunction .

If at any time I could have met a girl younger , more attractive as infatuated as successful I would have not even remembered my exs name .

I would have been angry at her treatment of me but I would have mourned the loss of her as much as I did my dead goldfish

I.e a vauge five second  feeling of "that's a shame" .

[Herodias]

I can't understand if I was the one who wanted out or if he was? He was cheating on me and pushing me away. When I caught him with someone in our bed, I made him leave. He was unsure if he wanted a divorce, but knew we needed a "break"... .thought a year separation would be good (maybe to play the field and keep me in limbo)... .then he got with a new gf and kept telling me they would be over soon... .changing back and fourth between wanting to come back then telling me no. Now he is living with the new gf (different from the one in the bed) yet an old recycle... .and I believe she is pregnant. We will divorce in Jan. He must know it is over. I have been nc for two months. He keeps texting me once a month when he pays me alimony. I don't respond. He know's it's over now, right? We broke up 3 times in 8 years... .I am just confused about this realizing at a later date what they are missing out on. I guess that's what you would call it when you talk about grieving backwards. He was not upset much at all in the beginning- he acted like he was a bit, yet he was having too much fun. So, who ended it? Me or him? He pushed me to do so and then I went and got a lawyer to legally separate. He said I did it! He forced me too... .this is too confusing. I think he wanted out with an option to come back. a pregnant gf leaves no option in my book!

[problemsolver]

Let me steer this thread back on track ... So who would you rather be me * Let's say you get cut out permanently painted black permanently... .Cut out of her life.

or

Would you rather be the person she is "afraid to lose" which is her ex boyfriend... .Essentially she will lie and do anything to keep him on the hook he can recycle... But it was always end the same... With him chasing... And inevitable failure  BUT he still gets the "validation" via triangulation as if he's the "one" she will always love...

P2 is who do you think hurts more... .

The few people who  posted above me are right I believe they won't forget you... Even though some BPD seem to move on swiftly

[Invictus01]

Let me steer this thread back on track ... So who would you rather be me * Let's say you get cut out permanently painted black permanently... .Cut out of her life.

or

Would you rather be the person she is "afraid to lose" which is her ex boyfriend... .Essentially she will lie and do anything to keep him on the hook he can recycle... But it was always end the same... With him chasing... And inevitable failure  BUT he still gets the "validation" via triangulation as if he's the "one" she will always love...

P2 is who do you think hurts more... .

The few people who  posted above me are right I believe they won't forget you... Even though some BPD seem to move on swiftly

It isn't a matter of what SHE will do or not do. It is the matter of what YOU will do. She can only keep you on the hook if you let her. And if you know what you are dealing with and still let her do what she does... .THAT one is on you.

[scarletviolet]

@BlueHeron

"I think he wanted out with an option to come back. a pregnant gf leaves no option in my book!"

my story is so similar to yours, luckily though the gf can't be pregnant as my doting husband had a vasectomy 3 years ago without telling me and kept pretending we were trying to have a baby... .to the point i thought that was something wrong with me... .

but yes he doesn't want to sign the divorce papers, and at the same time he doesn't want to leave the current girlfriend ( for whom we split up ) because according to him she is bipolar and very troubled and when i spoke to her for two seconds recently according to him i sent her over the edge and she cut her wrists? i dont believe that for a second... the moment i say i am going to call her or her parents to clarify the situation he goes completely insane... .!

My Non's brain tell me that if i wanted to be back with my husband and avoid divorce first step would be to break off my current relationship?

[problemsolver]

Let me steer this thread back on track ... So who would you rather be me * Let's say you get cut out permanently painted black permanently... .Cut out of her life.

or

Would you rather be the person she is "afraid to lose" which is her ex boyfriend... .Essentially she will lie and do anything to keep him on the hook he can recycle... But it was always end the same... With him chasing... And inevitable failure  BUT he still gets the "validation" via triangulation as if he's the "one" she will always love...

P2 is who do you think hurts more... .

The few people who  posted above me are right I believe they won't forget you... Even though some BPD seem to move on swiftly

It isn't a matter of what SHE will do or not do. It is the matter of what YOU will do. She can only keep you on the hook if you let her. And if you know what you are dealing with and still let her do what she does... .THAT one is on you.

Fair enough , do you feel the "non" hurts more or person with BPD?