Does he really have BPD?

[machols]

I've read through various posts on this platform and would like to say that I feel relief that perhaps I have found the answers to my perplexing problem, but I don't.

My husband and I have been married for over 11 years and he has decided he wants to separate. We are still sharing the same apartment although separate rooms while I try to find work. The challenge here is that I'm living in Germany and the visa I have is dependent on my relationship with him. When the authorities are informed of the separation they will evaluate whether I can stay or not. Without work, that will be highly unlikely. I also don't have family I can stay with here and staying with friends is only a short term solution to a long term challenge.

In the midst of this, I've at first tried to understand the reasons for the break down of our relationship. Taken responsibility for where I may have failed. Nevertheless I'm starting to realise that I have not been the creator of his issues with me. That his unhappiness is something I have no control over. I've cared about him as a person and believed in him, in his greater self, for so long that it feels beyond overwhelming to consider that he might have BPD or NPD.

As soon as I drew a line in the sand and said I could not play house with him while he developed another relationship with someone else he broke down and cried. This has happened more than once and its like he finds my back more attractive than my front. Hot and cold. On and off. The emotional roller-coaster is exhausting and frustrating. Just as I make inroads into creating my own space and seeking my own independence emotionally, he creates yet another chaotic emotional situation.

I thought I knew him. I thought I understood how he ticked. The good and the ugly. But this, this is making me wonder if I have it all wrong and that is exhausting me too. I've always opted for taking responsibility for my part in a relationship and hoped that he would find a way to do this himself.

Right now I can't believe I've spent so many years of my life waiting. Waiting and hoping. Giving up on my plans and dreams. Sometimes having them sabotaged by his behaviour so that I'm so exhausted I give up on them. I gave up work last year and now am finding it so hard to find work again. I'm getting involved in lots of voluntary things but can't find a way to paid employment.

My head says get out of there. My heart says, give it another chance. How can someone look at you with eyes of love one minute and then shamelessly withdraw the next. It's heartbreaking.

Okay... .that's enough of my blah! I don't want to get into shame and blame. But how do I do that and stay sane?

Thanks for reading.

M.

[Pou]

You sound like a smart and a good person stuck in a bad situation.   To put it in perspective, I was in fog for a good 12 to 14 years.  Then in the past 8 years, I began to investigate and gained clarity.  Lots of denials on my part not wanting to believe that my wife is who she is.  I went from thinking she is BPD, NPD and affirmatively believe that she is psychopathic after reading Robert D Hare's books just within the past couple months.  I felt ill when I read it and matched the behaviors patterns up.  Now I know, but I still don't have a solution.  This is after a total of 18 years and counting.  I went to a support group and there were people got out after 20 years and still wandering if something could be saved.   Your emotions are natural and normal.  Regarding your job situation, you are probably experiencing abuse from him just by the way he irresponsibility toying with your emotions.  Your self esteem is probably not good because of your relationship and it is hard to find the job you deserve when you are not 100%.  Be persistent and just know the challenges that you are facing.  I would look for manufactured emotions as a form of manipulation.   Read "without conscience" and "snake in suits" and "psychopath free".   And see if anything matches ... .  If they do, you need to immediately terminate any emotional attachment to him or you are in a serious trouble.  And know what and who you are dealing with.   That is all I can offer and may or may not apply to you, and I wish you well. 

[Michelle27]

I too was in denial for a very long time.  I kept hanging onto the little shreds of hope I would be given that things could get better.  I believed his promises that it could for a long time, dealt with my own side of the fence and sought help to understand both the situation and how I ended up there.  Ultimately, I realized that my own sanity and that of my kids was more important than me "saving" someone else from himself.  He is who he is, not who he presented himself as in the early stage of the relationship.  I can't take responsibility for his behaviors nor did I want to walk on eggshells any longer. 

That said, getting out wasn't easy.  Sounds like in your situation it isn't easy either. I'm sorry you are having to deal with everything you are and hopefully, you can get some clarity soon.  I can't imagine living in the situation you are in.  I started with a therapeutic separation when I reached my limit in which we rented a room and took turns staying there or with our daughter in our home for a week at a time.  That lasted 3 months and at that point, I realized I didn't yet feel safe and wouldn't without truly getting out so I did.  That was 3.5 months ago.  The healing process isn't easy but it's far preferable to living under the conditions I was. 

Good luck.

[Pretty Woman]

Machols,

   Someone once told me, even though I don't have a CONFIRMED diagnosis of my ex she treated me deplorably and that should be good reason enough to let her go.

I want you to think about that a bit in your own situation. Does it REALLY matter if he is BPD or not? He is forming other relationships WHILE with you. Being with him is an "emotional rollercoaster".

In my opinion that is more than enough reasons to jump ship.

I struggle sometimes with the replacement working out but you know what? Who cares.

That's right. Who cares?

Do I really want this lying, cheating person back? No. Can I trust this person, ever? No.

Let someone else suffer. Not my circus... .not my monkeys anymore... .