Is the problem me? How do I fix this?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

Every year I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. My family does not want me around. I was happy to be invited somewhere this year. When  this friend got a new job however (any of this sounding familar?) I was disinvited. When I expressed my hurt at this (given this individual knows what I went through with my ex) I was told I was delusional and no invitation had ever been extended. Then the person went silent because I was " whining".

Please understand I am not trying to play victim here, that is not the point of this post; rather I am trying to understand why it is people do not want me around. Obviously if stuff like this keeps happening then I need to examine my own behavior. Am I being overly sensitive? Did I do something to change their mind? I don't know. Whatever the problem is though im eager to fix it. I appreciate everyones input and suggestion. feedback is welcomed

[Beach_Babe]

Every year I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. My family does not want me around. I was happy to be invited somewhere this year. When  this friend got a new job however (any of this sounding familar?) I was disinvited. When I expressed my hurt at this (given this individual knows what I went through with my ex) I was told I was delusional and no invitation had ever been extended. Then the person went silent because I was " whining".

Please understand I am not trying to play victim here, that is not the point of this post; rather I am trying to understand why it is people do not want me around. Obviously if stuff like this keeps happening then I need to examine my own behavior. Am I being overly sensitive? Did I do something to change their mind? I don't know. Whatever the problem is though im eager to fix it. I appreciate everyones input and suggestion. feedback is welcomed

[hurting300]

I think its always good to speak with a psychologist just to make sure. I think your biggest problem is that you try to hard.

[Beach_Babe]

Am I being oversensitive? Maybe.

[Flameheart]

There's nothing that's *wrong* with you as a person at all, IMO; the thing that some of us nons learn after being in a BPD relationship is that we *do* have co-dependent traits that kept us in the relationship or certain relationships/friendships with people, and a lot of times we base our self-worth through the people we know or through the significant BPD other. We tend to think that if we are accepted by these people, that we are complete/whole people, and when we experience some kind of rejection (whether it was intentional or not), we start thinking that we've done something wrong or that we are flawed in some fashion. This is where we as the co-dependents must come to realize that we DO have self-worth, that we DO have value, and that we are stronger and more confident than we think we are. In order to lose some of these co-dependent traits, we must learn to detach from these traits (not in a way that makes us apathetic to other people's feelings, etc., but in a way where we can build our confidence up further) by regaining or building up our self-worth/self-value. That means going out and doing something creative which utilizes our passions in a way that gives us inner strength. If we feel that we are being taken for granted, we can go out and make new friendships and relationships with people who won't take us for granted and are equally confident in themselves. We can go out and create our own happiness without relying on the belief that we have to prove ourselves to others in order to be happy.

When you are able to reawaken your self-worth and find the person that you were (or who you want to be) prior to your BPD relationship, a lot of these co-dependent traits will be lessened and you will feel much stronger as a person; you won't need to prove yourself to anyone. In an ironic way, our emotions are our greatest strength, and the most important thing you can do is take some time to find balance within yourself. Once that happens, I guarantee you that people will be running to be your friend. Right now, take some time to find yourself and enjoy life by doing some things that *you* want to do. Treat yourself to something fun, and when the time is right, after you've acknowledged and had time to grieve the loss of your relationship with your BPDex, you can go out and create the healthy relationships that you want for yourself. And there's no problem with talking it out with someone such as a therapist too. They can teach you a lot of things about yourself that you might not have realized and you'll find a new perspective in regards to things.

[Beach_Babe]

hurting: hi, thanks for responding. i guess I want people to like me, I am a people pleaser. I feel triggered being alone on those days, I wonder why I dont deserve somewhere I am welcome?

flameheart: That is so true. Has that also been your experience?

[enlighten me]

Hi Beach babe

I can be over sensitive too. I can analyse comments and read too much into them. Im also a natural introvert so don't mind being on my own. In fact I like having my own space. I can understand wanting to spend special days with people rather than be on your own. I can also relate to wanting people to like you and with this you can feel as if you need to make more of an effort.

What is it about you that makes you feel people don't want you around?

[hurting300]

hurting: hi, thanks for responding. i guess I want people to like me, I am a people pleaser. I feel triggered being alone on those days, I wonder why I dont deserve somewhere I am welcome?

flameheart: That is so true. Has that also been your experience?

Your sweet, and yes you are overly sensitive. But guess what? That just means you have a heart dear... .Try to give people more space and if they don't like you then it's their loss.

[Beach_Babe]

Hi Beach babe

What is it about you that makes you feel people don't want you around?

I was invited for Thanksgiving and then rather than just say,"oops I am so sorry Beach Babe something came up and we wont be able to have you." Instead I am gaslighted and told no invitation was ever extended to me in the first place.  Then the person stops talking to me. This comes after my ex of 14 years let me buy 6 plane tickets to see him ... .then withdrew and raged out his way out of each visit while blaming me. Then one year later the ex finally admits to his friend how much I made his skin crawl and he couldn't stand being around me (and hoped to never again). The friend is aware of how hard I have taken this (and also that I am alone and quite down about it for the holidays).

I am not blaming anyone here. Rather I am trying to look at myself. This is now the  second person within the past year who extended (then withdrew) an invitation. My BPD/npd parents treat me this way too its why I don't bother to visit.

I understand the world does not revolve around me, but why is it I don't deserve an easy letdown? Its like some people have to deliver the message in the harshest way possible. In this case That I am crazy and made the whole invite up. It hurts.

[Beach_Babe]

Your sweet, and yes you are overly sensitive. But guess what? That just means you have a heart dear... .Try to give people more space and if they don't like you then it's their loss.

Good advice. Maybe it scares people away seeming overeager?

[LostGhost]

If you can beach babe, I highly recommend joining a yoga studio, one that is spirituality based. When I was going through the worst time of my life and feeling much the same as you, I joined a small one that had a class size of about a dozen people. It helps you connect with yourself and with others in ways I didn't think we're possible. I found that every person was there because they were suffering on the inside. They all had their own reason. Sometimes it's helpful to be a part of a community like that where you always feel safe and welcome. Maybe you already do yoga and if so, I apologize for the redundant suggestion!

[Beach_Babe]

Yoga? Never thought of that. Was it difficult learning to manuever into those bendy-twistie positions?

[Mutt]

I was told I was delusional and no invitation had ever been extended. Then the person went silent because I was " whining".

Hi Beach_Babe,

I can see how that would hurt. I don't think that you sound like a victim. We're all family here, we're here to help each other.

I agree with FlameHeart that some of us based our self worth through our inter-personal relationships.

I reposted something a friend shared on social media today, FlameHeart's post made me think about it, I'll share it here.

"Your value does not decrease based on someone's inability to see your worth" - unknown

It sounds to me like the person was embarrassed and uncomfortable with their feelings and blamed you because you confronted them.

What I see is this person didn't put themselves in your shoes and didn't think about how their actions would hurt someone else, they avoided their feelings and blamed. They know your history with your ex and that you were likely going to be excited with an invite?

Everyone's different with how they display empathy. You know your friend best, does the person have a history with displaying a lack of empathy?

[enlighten me]

Hi Beach babe

What is it about you that makes you feel people don't want you around?

I was invited for Thanksgiving and then rather than just say,"oops I am so sorry Beach Babe something came up and we wont be able to have you." Instead I am gaslighted and told no invitation was ever extended to me in the first place.  Then the person stops talking to me. This comes after my ex of 14 years let me buy 6 plane tickets to see him ... .then withdrew and raged out his way out of each visit while blaming me. Then one year later the ex finally admits to his friend how much I made his skin crawl and he couldn't stand being around me (and hoped to never again). The friend is aware of how hard I have taken this (and also that I am alone and quite down about it for the holidays).

I am not blaming anyone here. Rather I am trying to look at myself. This is now the  second person within the past year who extended (then withdrew) an invitation. My BPD/npd parents treat me this way too its why I don't bother to visit.

I understand the world does not revolve around me, but why is it I don't deserve an easy letdown? Its like some people have to deliver the message in the harshest way possible. In this case That I am crazy and made the whole invite up. It hurts.

One thing that springs to mind is this persons behaviour. Could it be that you are attracted to people like your ex? I don't mean fancy them but engage with them. Could the fact your friend denies that you were invited and then gaslights you not mean that she is the one with a problem?

You mentioned your FOO and correct me if Im wrong but I sense it was drama filled. Your ex with BPD and friends who don't show healthy behaviour. Could it just be because of your FOO that you feel comfortable around these sort of people?

[LostGhost]

Yoga? Never thought of that. Was it difficult learning to manuever into those bendy-twistie positions?

The beauty of yoga is it's not about how well you do a posture but rather where you yourself are in a posture. If you can only bend forward an inch today, then that's all you can do. You acknowledge it and you're mindful of it but you don't judge it. Yoga is a very beautiful practice and I can almost guarantee you will experience benefits from it. I'm not sure where you live but I highly recommend googling your city followed by "restorative yoga". Restorative yoga is a very gentle practice, soothes the body and mind. It's a very non-judgmental and welcoming environment. All ages, shapes and sizes are welcome. You can sometimes sign up for a free month. Very often you receive a discount as a first time student.

It can't hurt to try it out and see what you can gain from it it saved my life, honestly!

[Beach_Babe]

Mutt: that is a great quote. I am not sure about the lack of empathy? Is that what it  looks like?

EM: you know I never thought about that. I guess they do remind me of my ex. Then again im no day at the beach myself (pardon the pun) . What changed was the start of a new job I guess. I understand, and im sure its not personal. But isn't it only human to wish I could be more than an imposition? To my ex and parents at least thats all I ever was

LostGhost: Restorative yoga eh? Well its certainly worth a try, I will check it out. How are you today?

[enlighten me]

Mutt: that is a great quote. I am not sure about the lack of empathy? Is that what it  looks like?

EM: you know I never thought about that. I guess they do remind me of my ex. Then again im no day at the beach myself (pardon the pun) . What changed was the start of a new job I guess. I understand, I just wonder whats wrong with me I can never be viewed as more than a last resort ?

LostGhost: Restorative yoga eh? Well its certainly worth a try, I will check it out. How are you today?

Looking at our own faults is a great way to stop us making the same mistakes again. If your friends view you as a last resort then are they true friends or more acquaintances? I realise that my real friends are the ones I don't have to be anyone else for them to like me.

As Lostghost suggested yoga is a good thing to do. It will get you out and let you meet new people. Its also beneficial for both body and mind. I used to do a bit of yoga and felt much better for it. I was never into the cosmic side of it though so never did organised classes.

[Fr4nz]

Every year I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. My family does not want me around.

This sentence really struck me... .why your family doesn't want you around?  

[Beach_Babe]

Hi Fr4nz: my parents are a fun npd/BPD combo, and always treat me as an imposition. My social skills are admittedly not that great, so currently I am a tad isolated.

[Beach_Babe]

Looking at our own faults is a great way to stop us making the same mistakes .

I agree. History just repeated itself.

[Beach_Babe]

Would this be hurtful to you?

[enlighten me]

Would this be hurtful to you?

If you mean looking at my own faults then yes in the beginning it was painful to see I wasn't as good a person as I thought I was.

[Beach_Babe]

Would this be hurtful to you?

If you mean looking at my own faults then yes in the beginning it was painful to see I wasn't as good a person as I thought I was.

I can own that (and know there is work on myself to do). But I mean would a reasonable person be hurt by this situation? i am trying to see this as a learning experience, rather than feel like a victim.

Any ideas what I can do if I do end up alone on Thankgiving?  Its better than begging someone who does not care to reconsider.

[enlighten me]

Yes I think it would be hurtful for anyone.

As for thanksgiving its not something we celebrate in the UK so I wouldn't know what to do instead. Special days that Ive spent alone I always treat myself. Get in a takeaway and a movie and have a slob day.

[Beach_Babe]

What have you done anything fun?

[enlighten me]

Normally I just try and treat it as any other day that I want to chill out and do nothing. I don't try and do anything special as that just reminds me that Im not celebrating something.

Im used to missing special occasions though as I was in the Army and spent many special occasions away working. I suppose I just don't think of them as anything special unless I have my kids with me.

[Skip]

Every year I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. My family does not want me around. I was happy to be invited somewhere this year. When  this friend got a new job however (any of this sounding familar?) I was disinvited. When I expressed my hurt at this (given this individual knows what I went through with my ex) I was told I was delusional and no invitation had ever been extended. Then the person went silent because I was " whining".

Lots of advice - not very many questions 

Can you tell us more about who this person is (the nature of the relationships) and how the original invitation was extended.  Its a very different story if this is a offhanded invitation from a causal acquaintance, or a more deliberate one from a long term friend.

Also, how did it escalate to "delusional".  That's pretty aggressive.

[Beach_Babe]

Every year I spend Thanksgiving and Christmas alone. My family does not want me around. I was happy to be invited somewhere this year. When  this friend got a new job however (any of this sounding familar?) I was disinvited. When I expressed my hurt at this (given this individual knows what I went through with my ex) I was told I was delusional and no invitation had ever been extended. Then the person went silent because I was " whining".

Lots of advice - not very many questions  

Can you tell us more about who this person is (the nature of the relationships) and how the original invitation was extended.  Its a very different story if this is a offhanded invitation from a causal acquaintance, or a more deliberate one from a long term friend.

Also, how did it escalate to "delusional".  That's pretty aggressive.

Maybe delusional was not the right word. Thats how I feel when someone tells me something never happened that I know did. This is a more recent friend (and good person). The situation was not personal, its possible they just forgot. Obviously I realize the world doesn't revolve around me. I think its a problem though when I let a past situation influence a present one. Is it possible I am repelling people by appearing overeager or needy? The situation triggered me because I thought of someone I knew 14 years who did something similar. How do I learn to not be so sensitive?

[Skip]

Maybe delusional was not the right word. Thats how I feel when someone tells me something never happened that I know did. This is a more recent friend (and good person). The situation was not personal, its possible they just forgot. Obviously I realize the world doesn't revolve around me. I think its a problem though when I let a past situation influence a present one. Is it possible I am repelling people by appearing overeager or needy? The situation triggered me because I thought of someone I knew 14 years who did the same thing.

That's a good observation. Your emotions are raw. You had an intimate experience recently and that also showed signs or really raw emotions... .

So this person is new in your world (so you may not know their reliability yet) and they may have forgotten, or made other plans.

Did they actually criticize you?  Can you tell us about the original invitation and then the recent correction?  It helps to look at the details.

[JRT]

How ell do you know them? Have you met this person? Do they live nearby? Are they hosting the Holiday at their home?

[Beach_Babe]

I think I took the invitation literally, when it was not meant that way. In other words I misinterpreted the situation. The invite was extended a few times after I said I did not have family to return to for the holidays. I realize now I probably put them in an uncomfortable position. Not intentionally, its just my aunt was the mother I never had (i.e: not BPD). Losing her ontop of my ex was so difficult.  Ive also had a bit of stress over a houseguest that would not leave. This is why I mourn my ex, because good friendships take time to build. I am lonely and want it NOW.  Obviously I cannot expect another person to swoop in and make this all better; people have their own lives and aren't going to accomodate me. The loneliness at times is just overwhelming. I want to be important to someone, and feel included. Maybe it was unrealistic to expect this from my ex as well? Dunno.

I am trying to work on this though. I see a therapist and am trying a new medication. I suppose if I want stuff like this to stop happening I also need to learn to keep my mouth shut. No one wants to be around an unhappy person, I get that. I don't blame anyone for it either; i'm just at a loss to fix whats so fundamentally wrong.