Ex ENGAGED within two months of breakup

[Hopeful83]

Hello everyone,

Well, I'm back again. Here's my story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281191.0

To add to this, I found out about a month and a half ago that my 'ex' got engaged to this 'ex' of his whom he's never had a proper relationship with. Yup, after three years living together, travelling the world together, planning a life together with me, he's engaged to someone who allegedly broke his heart repeatedly back in high school.

DAFUQ?

I haven't posted on here until now because when I first found out I was in utter disbelief. Luckily I'm doing miles better now (four months since the breakup), but I have moments like right now when I cannot quite believe all of this has happened. If you read my story, you'll see that I have strong suspicions that his family didn't want him to marry me (he's from a conservative Asian family), but still, to then proceed to get engaged to someone else THAT quickly?

I'm not sure what I'm asking for here. Maybe some soothing words of the 'he's ill, this won't last' nature. He was never diagnosed with BPD, and I only suspected he may have traits of it after we broke up and came across this board.

I just don't know what to think anymore - whether we've split and he's engaged already because his family didn't want him to marry me so he latched onto someone else quickly, or whether it's the BPD that caused him to latch onto someone. Perhaps it's both.

I guess the thing that bothers me is, I was with him THREE years and he never proposed. We were going to get married, yes, we'd discussed it and we factored it into our plans, but he never actually proposed. He gets with her and within weeks they're engaged, families have agreed and all that malarky. Yes, I know now his mother never wanted him to marry me, but for him to then get engaged to someone else so quickly makes me seriously question his sanity. That's not normal, right?

Anyway, ramble over. Just, seriously - ENGAGED after two months of breaking up with me - the so called love of his life. We had a whole life planned together, and now his 'ex' has my life and I'm left in the aftermath of a tornado wondering what the hell happened!  

[Popcorn71]

I understand how you feel.  I have posted recently about my xBPDh setting a date for his wedding with the replacement.  He openly flaunted their relationship within a couple of weeks of splitting up and was living with her shortly after that.  This was despite him telling me the day before he left that he would live alone if we broke up because he would never want another woman.

Like you, I am totally amazed and still cannot believe he did this.  I am angry, sad and in a strange sort of way, just a little pleased that he is going to marry the replacement.  At last, she will get what she deserves and he will be stuck with her when he paints her black, which I have no doubt will happen soon after the wedding.  Getting a divorce from her won't be easy, due to her religious background and customs.  I expect she will stick to him like glue, whatever crap he throws at her.

I know it's hard to think this way, but you really should be pleased that you didn't marry him.  You have been saved from even more heartache than you had already.  I wish I had escaped sooner.

[Herodias]

First of all, you don't know the whole story on the other r/s. What you were told could be lies. Second, sounds like he could be trying to make his family happy... .they tend to have issues with parents, so could be that the first r/s is what he was "supposed" to do. It doesn't matter how long you are with them. It's like they have no concept of time. I was with mine 8 years and married and he is already living with the new gf and we are not divorced. They can't be alone. You will not figure it out... .just drive yourself crazy. Get strong and see it for what it is and move on. Very hard to do, but you are out now and no longer have to deal with this craziness. Don't waste anymore time! They won't last either as you know... .you have to believe they repeat the patterns unless they have many years of therapy!

[Hopeful83]

I understand how you feel.  I have posted recently about my xBPDh setting a date for his wedding with the replacement.  He openly flaunted their relationship within a couple of weeks of splitting up and was living with her shortly after that.  This was despite him telling me the day before he left that he would live alone if we broke up because he would never want another woman.

Like you, I am totally amazed and still cannot believe he did this.  I am angry, sad and in a strange sort of way, just a little pleased that he is going to marry the replacement.  At last, she will get what she deserves and he will be stuck with her when he paints her black, which I have no doubt will happen soon after the wedding.  Getting a divorce from her won't be easy, due to her religious background and customs.  I expect she will stick to him like glue, whatever crap he throws at her.

I know it's hard to think this way, but you really should be pleased that you didn't marry him.  You have been saved from even more heartache than you had already.  I wish I had escaped sooner.

Jeez that's horrendous   Sorry that you had to go though that. I know how hurtful it is; we're the ones left nursing our wounds while they're moving on and rubbing it in our faces.

"At last she will get what she deserves" This is how I feel about the other woman, too, because if he's to be believed, she got in touch and told him that she'd always loved him while we were still together. No, she did not always love him - if you love someone, you let them go, you don't make a play for them when they're in a happy relationship. She was desperate to get married and thought she'd try her luck. Well, I'm sure she's not seen his uncontrollable rages yet - maybe he'll save those for after they get married.  

[Hopeful83]

First of all, you don't know the whole story on the other r/s. What you were told could be lies. Second, sounds like he could be trying to make his family happy... .they tend to have issues with parents, so could be that the first r/s is what he was "supposed" to do. It doesn't matter how long you are with them. It's like they have no concept of time. I was with mine 8 years and married and he is already living with the new gf and we are not divorced. They can't be alone. You will not figure it out... .just drive yourself crazy. Get strong and see it for what it is and move on. Very hard to do, but you are out now and no longer have to deal with this craziness. Don't waste anymore time! They won't last either as you know... .you have to believe they repeat the patterns unless they have many years of therapy!

I know that the old relationship stuff is more than likely true because I had a friend of his back it up. The new fiancee used to use him as her safety net - whenever she was bored, or lonely, she'd be all over him. Then, when he'd show interest, she'd run a mile onto the next guy. And this is who he's choosing to marry?

Anyway, I'm trying my best not to bother thinking about it, and to be fair this is my first 'crazy' night in a while. I just have a billion things running through my head. It's really hard to deal with at times

[Hopeful83]

Is getting engaged so quickly after a breakup a common thing among those with BP? And why? Surely anyone would know that it's ill-advised and kind of immature to do that?

[JohnLove]

Hello Hopeful83. Sorry to hear you are struggling. I'll respond to your last question first.

I have realised now that I have been in a number of BPD relationships since I was a very young man. They're easy to spot now. Jumping between relationships is not a "normal" thing. I mean it is possible for a non, but these people are so obviously trying to fill a VOID. Good luck with that. So, YES... .I have experienced first hand and read too many devastated posts on here to know getting engaged or marriage suddenly after a long term relationship IS indeed normal for a pwBPD... .and especially so with an ex. You are not alone in this.

The description of their relationship you heard from a friend is concerning. It smacks of a pwBPD engulfment and abandonment triggers. Their fear of healthy intimacy. They desire it but it is foreign to them. If he has severe BPD traits and she has severe BPD traits just wait until what happens next. There will be an explosion at some point when they begin to trigger each other. It is not going to be good.

Maybe they do deserve each other because there is nothing healthy you have posted about their relationship and for you to be discarded like that is not love. She made a play for him and we both know how he should've responded to that. He was susceptible to her manipulation and honestly if he is that stupid to buy it... .you are probably better off.

I'm sure you don't miss the rages.

I believe you are correct in your beliefs that you dont get involved with an ex in a long term relationship where she would have likely believed he was happy (and she wasn't)... .and maybe he'll save his rages for after marriage?... .NO MAYBE ABOUT IT GIRL. Marriage is a HUGE trigger for pwBPD and the story you tell suggests they are both suffering from it. There are many posts on here about relationships becoming hellish and extremely destructive after marriage and sometimes beginning on the honeymoon. Is this what you would've wanted for yourself?

Your suffering is healthy and based on your love for him. Hearing he is getting married is a blow to you. Appreciate this. And appreciate that they are never going to live happily ever after... .while you have every chance.

Accept what has happened as your truth... .as unpleasant as it is. Now do something different for yourself. 

[Hopeful83]

Hey JohnLove,

Thank you for writing such a long and thoughtful reply  

Honestly? From what I know of this girl and what I know of his issues, I KNOW this is a disaster-in-waiting. He has major issues that he's in denial over. When he was with me, he was open to exploring those issues and it took time for him to get to the point where he wanted to see a therapist because it's something that's just not done in his culture. But he got to that point where he acknowledged he had a problem and that he wanted to fix it in order for him to be emotionally healthy. Well, now he's with someone from the same culture as him so that's issue number one - I HIGHLY doubt she'll be happy with him seeing a therapist. Secondly, because of the aforementioned culture aspect, I know he won't tell her about the fact he was abused as a child either. I may be wrong, but knowing what I know of him and what I know of his culture I'm 99 per cent certain he won't tell her for fear of tarnishing his image.

And don't get me started on her. What kind of a woman makes a play for someone who's in a relationship? She did. After years of not wanting a bar of him, she wanted him when she got desperate for a husband (and when she saw how happy he was with me). Makes my BLOOD boil - and now she gets to grin?

Oh, didn't mention the best part about her - she had the cheek to email me to apologise for what happened. I've never even met her before, and SHE emailed saying sorry and that she never meant to hurt me. Really? The mind boggles.  

What makes you think she's also got BPD?

Right now, however, they're grinning from Facebook and Instagram photos, painting this to be the love match of the century. He even posted a photo of them on Instagram with some cheesy quotation from The Notebook. He NEVER did stuff like that with me; he did really cute things on social media for me that always felt genuine, yes, but never FULL on cheesy crap like this. Certainly not so quickly. And yet he's doing this with her within months?

Rational, logical me knows this is a horse show, but emotional me is extremely hurt. I'm still healing and trying to figure out my issues and why I stayed with someone with such rages for so long, while he's busy being happy with someone he's barely been in a relationship five minutes with.

Anyway, thanks again for the post. I'm so thankful for this board.  

[Fr4nz]

Hello everyone,

Well, I'm back again. Here's my story: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=281191.0

To add to this, I found out about a month and a half ago that my 'ex' got engaged to this 'ex' of his whom he's never had a proper relationship with. Yup, after three years living together, travelling the world together, planning a life together with me, he's engaged to someone who allegedly broke his heart repeatedly back in high school.

DAFUQ?

Welcome to the BPD world

So, assuming your ex is BPD, for BPDs is pretty common to replace a former partner - with whom they had a long-lasting relationship - within weeks, or even line up a replacement before the breakup. Cheating is very common as well.

I understand your situation, I endured the very same discard process (I was replaced 1 month after the breakup of a r/s which lasted 18 months... .).

Also, it is really important to clarify the "hyper-idealization" phase your ex is having with the new partner... .again, among BPDs it is usually "the rule" to start a new relationship like "they found the love of their life" (perhaps after 1 day they got to know the new partner... .for real! :D).

It's something we NONs cannot understand, but it's part of the disorder; don't take it as something personal against your persona. Happened the same to me - both when I entered the relationship and when she replaced me with a new partner - and to the vast majority of the people writing in these forums.

In general: don't think it's something personal against you, these are the mechanisms behind the disorder... .they really cannot stay alone mainly due to lack of the sense of self (among many other things, they always need someone to complete their perceivedly incomplete self, that's why they replace people so quickly) and sense of emptiness.

Without proper therapy and introspective efforts, BPDs are - essentially - a lost cause, so in a certain sense your ex made you a gift by leaving you. If you want to try to understand the rationale behind BPDs behaviours, I suggest you to read 2010's posts, they are very insightful: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts;start=790

[JohnLove]

What causes me to think she is also suffering BPD?... .why, the comments in your posts of course! 

He gets with her and within weeks they're engaged, families have agreed and all that malarky. Yes, I know now his mother never wanted him to marry me, but for him to then get engaged to someone else so quickly makes me seriously question his sanity. That's not normal, right?

I don't know who exactly proposed to who but you cant get married to yourself and she was coming on strong. This smells like desperation. A red flag. You get married for all the right reasons... .anything else is just plain wrong. No that's not normal, and I'm not about to get into the topic of "Mothers" and their sons. He is BPD for a reason. His FOO would have a lot to do with this development.

She was desperate to get married and thought she'd try her luck. Well, I'm sure she's not seen his uncontrollable rages yet - maybe he'll save those for after they get married.  :sign_

I'm unsure you know how she was so desperate. Marriage by biological clock ticking?... .yuck. Did she really want/love your man or any man that she could snare? 

Yet another red flag for BPD.

I know that the old relationship stuff is more than likely true because I had a friend of his back it up. The new fiancee used to use him as her safety net - whenever she was bored, or lonely, she'd be all over him. Then, when he'd show interest, she'd run a mile onto the next guy. And this is who he's choosing to marry?

This is such a red flag and the part where you have convinced me that she has BPD herself. I didn't just make it up. You provided the information yourself for me to form such an opinion. She is all over the place. A skeptic might say she was young and that's the issue with BPD sufferers. There is always a hint of truth in what they say. But the rest is FOG.

Is getting engaged so quickly after a breakup a common thing among those with BP? And why? Surely anyone would know that it's ill-advised and kind of immature to do that?

It is relatively common as I have explained. Why?... .they are trying to have the very thing they destroy. Time and time again. They are their own worst enemy but are so desperate to have what deep down all humans REALLY need. He would have arrived in that relationship still carrying his baggage from yours. Healthy people would play it cool, play it safe, and develop the connection (intimacy) over time. Ill-advised and immature is a understatement. He didn't have a therapist to guide him through his (BPD) feelings though, did he? 

And don't get me started on her. What kind of a woman makes a play for someone who's in a relationship? She did. After years of not wanting a bar of him, she wanted him when she got desperate for a husband (and when she saw how happy he was with me). Makes my BLOOD boil - and now she gets to grin?

It's called a recycle. It's almost exclusively a BPD thing. Yet another red flag.

The grin is called dupers delight. Another BPD trait, although not exclusive. Trust me Hopeful83, that grin never lasts.

Oh, didn't mention the best part about her - she had the cheek to email me to apologise for what happened. I've never even met her before, and SHE emailed saying sorry and that she never meant to hurt me. Really? The mind boggles. 

That's the best part?  .  Is she guilty much?... .she knows deep down what she is doing is destructive and hurtful. Another red flag. Another BPD trait. I'm sure that made her feel better on some level about herself and her questionable actions. I'm not so sure it had the desired effect on you.  :'(. But then with BPD sufferers... .it's all about them. Narcissistic as they are.

Right now, however, they're grinning from Facebook and Instagram photos, painting this to be the love match of the century. He even posted a photo of them on Instagram with some cheesy quotation from The Notebook. He NEVER did stuff like that with me; he did really cute things on social media for me that always felt genuine, yes, but never FULL on cheesy crap like this. Certainly not so quickly. And yet he's doing this with her within months.

Oh... .it may quite be the BPD love match of the year in glorious BPD style. I have experienced idealisation myself, but as Fr4nz suggested above, this sounds like hyper-idealisation. They are trying SO HARD to create something that doesn't exist. More red flags and more BPD traits. Maybe you kept the relationship grounded... .and maybe you kept it real. This sounds like BPD in full flight.

I'm so thankful for this board. 

Amen to that, Hopeful83. 

[Hopeful83]

Also, it is really important to clarify the "hyper-idealization" phase your ex is having with the new partner... .again, among BPDs it is usually "the rule" to start a new relationship like "they found the love of their life" (perhaps after 1 day they got to know the new partner... .for real! :D).

It's something we NONs cannot understand, but it's part of the disorder; don't take it as something personal against your persona. Happened the same to me - both when I entered the relationship and when she replaced me with a new partner - and to the vast majority of the people writing in these forums.

Thank you for replying Fr4nz  Honestly, this board has helped me so much. At the beginning of the breakup I was going crazy; I knew that there were external influences of his family at play, too, but for him to turn so cold and seemingly callous, too, was what really threw me.

And yeah, I have to keep reminding myself that this 'perfect new relationship' he's portraying is an absolute joke. I just cannot get my head around it. One minute you're with one person, and within two months you're with someone else and shameless enough to plaster it all over social media like the other person never existed (oh, and I know that he's deleted ALL traces of me from his FB and Instagram accounts - what the hell is that about?)

But, you know, as much as I remind myself of the fact he's clearly ill, I'm human - I have moments of weakness when I wonder why I wasn't enough to keep him around. Silly, I know.

Urgh, what a nightmare. I cannot wait until this year is over with.

[Hopeful83]

What causes me to think she is also suffering BPD?... .why, the comments in your posts of course!  

Now that you've written this reply, I can see the red flags, too!

I don't know who exactly proposed to who but you cant get married to yourself and she was coming on strong. This smells like desperation. A red flag. You get married for all the right reasons... .anything else is just plain wrong. No that's not normal, and I'm not about to get into the topic of "Mothers" and their sons. He is BPD for a reason. His FOO would have a lot to do with this development.

Well his mother was your typical strict Asian mother - and very, very manipulative. She even had me fooled! She always acted like a victim in life, and she would message him every single day. When we were travelling long term and had more time on our hands, she'd Skype him at least three times a week. I always wondered if it was just a cultural thing, but looking back that within itself was a red flag.

She never wanted me to marry her precious son, but she acted like she was totally cool with us being together - for three whole years. So when he went home alone in May, she must have seized her opportunity and started the manipulation. I am only assuming, but I'm going on the few things that I DO know they argued about while he was there, the few things she said to me ("you two cannot make a marriage work" were her words - only to then be okay with him getting engaged to someone he's never been in a proper relationship with?), and instinct.

This all started when he told her he wanted to marry me. She clearly wasn't impressed and made it out to be because of his financial situation. Him, clearly having some sort of PD, caved, and made it ALL about this ex of his (that he'd seen her and couldn't stop thinking about her) So I ended it. Two months later, he was engaged!

I'm unsure you know how she was so desperate. Marriage by biological clock ticking?... .yuck. Did she really want/love your man or any man that she could snare?  

Yet another red flag for BPD.

Because I know from a friend of his who also knows her that her parents wanted her to get married - typical Asian style. She's 27 and therefore passing her sell-by date. That's why I know this reeks of desperation on her side.

This is such a red flag and the part where you have convinced me that she has BPD herself. I didn't just make it up. You provided the information yourself for me to form such an opinion. She is all over the place. A skeptic might say she was young and that's the issue with BPD sufferers. There is always a hint of truth in what they say. But the rest is FOG.

Yeah, and I am sure I wasn't behaving that way when I was 27! (I'm 32 now). Actually, scrap that - I DEFINITELY wasn't behaving that way. There's no way I'd get married to someone so quickly! It's madness.

It is relatively common as I have explained. Why?... .they are trying to have the very thing they destroy. Time and time again. They are their own worst enemy but are so desperate to have what deep down all humans REALLY need. He would have arrived in that relationship still carrying his baggage from yours. Healthy people would play it cool, play it safe, and develop the connection (intimacy) over time. Ill-advised and immature is a understatement. He didn't have a therapist to guide him through his (BPD) feelings though, did he?  

Yeah, logical me can see it's absolutely nuts. And I was his first 'serious' relationship, so that's a lot of baggage for someone who's already guilt ridden from everything that happened to him as a young child - stuff that he's never going to get help for. He used to do something very alarming when he'd have a rage, and it plays in my head every so often - if he doesn't get help, mark my words, something very bad will happen to him. But it's not my problem now.

It's called a recycle. It's almost exclusively a BPD thing. Yet another red flag.

The grin is called dupers delight. Another BPD trait, although not exclusive. Trust me Hopeful83, that grin never lasts.

When you said 'it's a recycle' it's like a MASSIVE penny dropped! You're right! She DOES show traits! It's classic, really - she'd reel him in with words and pretences, and then if he tried to get close she'd vanish. Only this time, she stuck around - why?

Urgh to the grin. I was downloading an old photo on Facebook that I wanted to share with someone, and one of his old comments was underneath it - even though I've longed blocked him, his comment was there, and I could see that he's changed his photo to one of him with her :-( And yes, they're both grinning in a very disturbing manner. When I first saw 'the grins' I thought I was just being jealous but now I realise there's something sinister behind them - or am I talking nonsense now?

That's the best part?  .  Is she guilty much?... .she knows deep down what she is doing is destructive and hurtful. Another red flag. Another BPD trait. I'm sure that made her feel better on some level about herself and her questionable actions. I'm not so sure it had the desired effect on you.  :'(. But then with BPD sufferers... .it's all about them. Narcissistic as they are.

But isn't the fact that she's aware of what she's doing a sign that perhaps she is remorseful? I don't get this behaviour, I really don't. And I still cannot believe she had the front and cheek to email me like that. How did she know I wouldn't give her a load of abuse or tell her stuff she really didn't want to hear? I, of course, ignored her, just like I've ignored him for all these months.

Oh... .it may quite be the BPD love match of the year in glorious BPD style. I have experienced idealisation myself, but as Fr4nz suggested above, this sounds like hyper-idealisation. They are trying SO HARD to create something that doesn't exist. More red flags and more BPD traits. Maybe you kept the relationship grounded... .and maybe you kept it real. This sounds like BPD in full flight.

See, when I think back to the start of our relationship, I realise it did have elements of idealisation, plus we moved in together instantly, which was a mistake on my behalf but my circumstances at the time made it the easy, ideal solution (yes, I was caught up in a whirlwind). But he didn't go FULL ON from the start, which is why I stayed with him. Yes, I enjoyed the attention, but if he'd started telling me from day one that I was the love of his life and that he couldn't live without me I would have run a mile off. It's like he knew just the right amount of idealisation to give me - does that make sense? And he didn't say I love you for a good 4 - 5 months, which I liked, because anything sooner would have freaked the hell out of me. But, yes, I did enjoy the fact he wanted to spend so much time with me, etc.

But yeah I do always feel I kept the relationship grounded and relatively sane. I 'knew' how to deal with his rages, and I didn't take any rubbish when he'd try to blame them on me. For the last six months we were together he didn't even try to blame them on me, because he knew that my response would always, always be the same. I always felt like he appreciated the fact I wanted what was best for him. Perhaps I was mistaken.

I'm not quite sure what I'm talking about right now. I feel low. Seeing his profile picture has ruined my morning.

Thank you for taking the time to reply - honestly, I REALLY needed to read what you wrote this morning, and I think I'll keep referring back to your reply when I feel low.  

[Fr4nz]

Also, it is really important to clarify the "hyper-idealization" phase your ex is having with the new partner... .again, among BPDs it is usually "the rule" to start a new relationship like "they found the love of their life" (perhaps after 1 day they got to know the new partner... .for real! :D).

It's something we NONs cannot understand, but it's part of the disorder; don't take it as something personal against your persona. Happened the same to me - both when I entered the relationship and when she replaced me with a new partner - and to the vast majority of the people writing in these forums.

Thank you for replying Fr4nz  Honestly, this board has helped me so much. At the beginning of the breakup I was going crazy; I knew that there were external influences of his family at play, too, but for him to turn so cold and seemingly callous, too, was what really threw me.

And yeah, I have to keep reminding myself that this 'perfect new relationship' he's portraying is an absolute joke. I just cannot get my head around it. One minute you're with one person, and within two months you're with someone else and shameless enough to plaster it all over social media like the other person never existed (oh, and I know that he's deleted ALL traces of me from his FB and Instagram accounts - what the hell is that about?)

But, you know, as much as I remind myself of the fact he's clearly ill, I'm human - I have moments of weakness when I wonder why I wasn't enough to keep him around. Silly, I know.

Urgh, what a nightmare. I cannot wait until this year is over with.

No, not silly at all! We all guessed why we were discarded SO badly, and this guessing may go on for many months, because it's part of the aftermath characterizing these incredible relationships.

Be at peace with yourself and ALWAYS try to use logic and rationality when you think about what happened... .these 2 things, together with a profound study of the disorder, literally saved the sanity of my mind. It takes time, don't worry 

[Pretty Woman]

Listen to the other posters on here. 

That is NUTS. 2mo? Seriously? There is a study on how the brain processes new relationships. Usually after month 3 is when reality sets in. The whole honeymoon thing starts to fade and "flaws" are seen.

Two months is INFATUATION. They don't know each other well enough

To top it off, if he is rushing in to appease his family, it will eventually all HIT him.

Don't bank on them actually making it to the alter. If they do, don't bank on them successfully marrying and being happy.

Past actions are usually a predictor of future actions... .don't forget that... .

[Hopeful83]

Also, it is really important to clarify the "hyper-idealization" phase your ex is having with the new partner... .again, among BPDs it is usually "the rule" to start a new relationship like "they found the love of their life" (perhaps after 1 day they got to know the new partner... .for real! :D).

It's something we NONs cannot understand, but it's part of the disorder; don't take it as something personal against your persona. Happened the same to me - both when I entered the relationship and when she replaced me with a new partner - and to the vast majority of the people writing in these forums.

Thank you   I'm trying my best not to, and look at this whole saga as an opportunity to address my own codependency issues. I WILL have a healthy relationship. This has made me determined to.

[Hopeful83]

Listen to the other posters on here. 

That is NUTS. 2mo? Seriously? There is a study on how the brain processes new relationships. Usually after month 3 is when reality sets in. The whole honeymoon thing starts to fade and "flaws" are seen.

Two months is INFATUATION. They don't know each other well enough

To top it off, if he is rushing in to appease his family, it will eventually all HIT him.

Don't bank on them actually making it to the alter. If they do, don't bank on them successfully marrying and being happy.

Past actions are usually a predictor of future actions... .don't forget that... .

Thank you so much   Everyone on here has been great, and it really helps to talk with people who have been in similar scenarios. All my family and friends are completely and utterly baffled by the whole thing. Especially because it wasn't a gradual deterioration - this happened in the matter of weeks. One minute we were making plans to move to my home country, buy a house and get married, the next he's off engaged to someone else! We were together for three years - and live together for all that time.

The fiancee is his high school crush who broke his heart repeatedly over the years, so he has known her a while - but to know her in the relationship sense? He doesn't know her at all! And I doubt how much he knows her in the friendship sense, too, as he has lived the last seven years abroad and she was in his home country, so he saw her once a year if even that.

And yes, engaged two months after we broke up! They were seeing each other for about four weeks I estimate before the big engagement. 

Then again, people in his culture have arranged marriages, so who knows, maybe this is 'normal' to them and it will all work out fine.  And yes, I shouldn't care less as to whether it works out for them or not, but I just keep thinking of how unfair the whole thing is.

[Pretty Woman]

The best part? You are not legally tied to this person.

It might hurt right now. I know the feeling. The best thing he could have done is rejected you.

His rejection=your freedom

Try not to keep tabs on him. I made the mistake of checking out the ex's FB. Never a good thing. You need to remember everything on social media is "heightened". It's the best of the best. No one puts their crap on FB to brag about so it's easy to read into them being "super happy" when they may not be.

The longer you are out of this the better it gets. You gain more clarity.

I promise.

[Pretty Woman]

You mention the fiancee broke his heart many times through the years... .

keep in mind HE might have been the one to do the heartbreaking. Remember, BPD's tend to play victim to rope in compassion from a new target.

The fact they had a rocky relationship and he is now engaged to her... .that screams drama and chaos. He can't do calm. As soon as your relationship "got real" he bolted. He needs chaos and drama to feel alive.

I don't know about you but for me... .

pass... .

[Hopeful83]

You mention the fiancee broke his heart many times through the years... .

keep in mind HE might have been the one to do the heartbreaking. Remember, BPD's tend to play victim to rope in compassion from a new target.

The fact they had a rocky relationship and he is now engaged to her... .that screams drama and chaos. He can't do calm. As soon as your relationship "got real" he bolted. He needs chaos and drama to feel alive.

I don't know about you but for me... .

pass... .

Hey again :-)

I've blocked him on Facebook, although sadly his old comments on some of my photos haven't disappeared, so I happened to see recently that he has a photo of him and her grinning away as his profile picture now.

I know that she broke his heart because friends of his are also friends with her, so they know the background to this and reconfirmed all the things he'd ever told me. At the start they were telling me that she was more than likely doing her usual bait and then run thing, and that it would end in disaster. Well, they were wrong. They are now engaged to be married.

The mind really boggles.

I get what you mean about 'becoming real' and him bolting, but we were living together all that time. And I don't get it - he couldn't handle it becoming real with me but could with her?

Anyway, our story isn't very straightforward as his racist family are also involved. Ugh, what a mess.

[stacma04]

@Hopeful83... I've been on this site for several months now, and have sympathized and feel for everyone that's been abused on this board. I however felt very compelled to reach out to you. to answer your question : absolutely not it is NOT normal to get engaged two months later. I can relate whole heartedley because my ex also did the exact same thing. He got engaged to the OW one month after our break up. I went NC for seven months with him in which he was dating someone else. he then breaks up with her comes back to me and they are now engaged. I know everyone is telling you the same thing that its not normal and it is NOT you. You are going to find it really hard to believe that but please believe me when I tell you they are disordered individuals. Normal people who leave a relationship do not get engaged that quick. I know us telling you it wont last is what you want to hear, because it will bring some form of comfort in knowing that , but guess what " IT WONT LAST " its not normal behavior. I am going through the same thing and it takes me having to go see a therapist to really understand that this person is ill. He is not in love with this girl, he doesn't know what love is. BTW I was with my ex for 2 years. But our stories are similar. we've broken up countless times. I know its easier said than done, but please try and focus on healing and moving on with your life. Please alsot do not rule it out that he may try to charm you again in the future when he's divorced or having issues in the marriage. Just know that if and or when it does happen to run as fast as you can because the next discard always hurts more than the last. stay strong friend and much peace and healing to you. And if you forget everything you read and hear from others please remember this ... .IT IS NOT YOU>>He IS ILL... .Peace and happiness

[Pretty Woman]

I second Stac.

It's hard because they leave us so callously, after proclaiming how amazing we are. They build us up so much it hurts like H E L L when they knock us down.

Thing is this... .We ARE all those things they said. We are wonderful and THE BEST. We are consistant. They are not.

Don't forget. They are 3yo emotionally. It was never going to work from the beginning. You tried your hardest. You DID not fail, it just isn't possible to have a healthy relationship with an untreated, disordered person.

[cloudten]

I only read the original post here- not the replies.

My thought has often been with the stories I have read here and in my own case, the person with BPD simply carries on the same relationship with the next person, precisely where it left off.  They try to recreate your relationship with the next person... .and you were probably a carry over from his relationship prior.  To them, I think it's one relationship in their brain... .it doesn't matter who the person is, just that there is a person... .they simply have one relationship with many people. It's like one book with many chapters.

Keep your chin up. You can and will do better.

Concentrate on filling your other buckets (friends, health, hobbies, spirituality, family, etc.). Fill those other buckets as fast and hard as you can. you'll eventually break that addiction and be able to refill the relationship bucket when you are whole again with the right person.

[Hopeful83]

@Hopeful83... I've been on this site for several months now, and have sympathized and feel for everyone that's been abused on this board. I however felt very compelled to reach out to you. to answer your question : absolutely not it is NOT normal to get engaged two months later. I can relate whole heartedley because my ex also did the exact same thing. He got engaged to the OW one month after our break up. I went NC for seven months with him in which he was dating someone else. he then breaks up with her comes back to me and they are now engaged. I know everyone is telling you the same thing that its not normal and it is NOT you. You are going to find it really hard to believe that but please believe me when I tell you they are disordered individuals. Normal people who leave a relationship do not get engaged that quick. I know us telling you it wont last is what you want to hear, because it will bring some form of comfort in knowing that , but guess what " IT WONT LAST " its not normal behavior. I am going through the same thing and it takes me having to go see a therapist to really understand that this person is ill. He is not in love with this girl, he doesn't know what love is. BTW I was with my ex for 2 years. But our stories are similar. we've broken up countless times. I know its easier said than done, but please try and focus on healing and moving on with your life. Please alsot do not rule it out that he may try to charm you again in the future when he's divorced or having issues in the marriage. Just know that if and or when it does happen to run as fast as you can because the next discard always hurts more than the last. stay strong friend and much peace and healing to you. And if you forget everything you read and hear from others please remember this ... .IT IS NOT YOU>>He IS ILL... .Peace and happiness

Hey Stac 

Thank you. I'm having a really low evening for some reason. Our stories sound very similar, yes.

I sway between "he's ill, this isn't normal, stop questioning yourself" to "maybe he always loved her and he's just following his heart." I know is sounds silly, but that's my thought process because he always knew her and was in love with her in high school. That within itself should have been a red flag I guess - how can you be in love with someone who you haven't even been in a proper relationship with?

Sigh. I give up. My brain is fried tonight.

[Hopeful83]

I second Stac.

It's hard because they leave us so callously, after proclaiming how amazing we are. They build us up so much it hurts like H E L L when they knock us down.

Thing is this... .We ARE all those things they said. We are wonderful and THE BEST. We are consistant. They are not.

Don't forget. They are 3yo emotionally. It was never going to work from the beginning. You tried your hardest. You DID not fail, it just isn't possible to have a healthy relationship with an untreated, disordered person.

Thank you 

Just hard to stop myself veering from one extreme in thought to the other - from "he's ill" to "maybe he always loved her." Nuts, I know, that I'm questioning this. I think I'm just having a bad night.

[Hopeful83]

I only read the original post here- not the replies.

My thought has often been with the stories I have read here and in my own case, the person with BPD simply carries on the same relationship with the next person, precisely where it left off.  They try to recreate your relationship with the next person... .and you were probably a carry over from his relationship prior.  To them, I think it's one relationship in their brain... .it doesn't matter who the person is, just that there is a person... .they simply have one relationship with many people. It's like one book with many chapters.

Keep your chin up. You can and will do better.

Concentrate on filling your other buckets (friends, health, hobbies, spirituality, family, etc.). Fill those other buckets as fast and hard as you can. you'll eventually break that addiction and be able to refill the relationship bucket when you are whole again with the right person.

Thanks 

This has been one of the toughest things I've ever had to go through, and at least it's highlighted for me my own codependency issues. I know now I want to fix them and go on to meet someone healthy. Clearly my ex cannot have been healthy to behave this way. Just makes me wonder how I could be so foolish for so long.

[Learning Fast]

I like Cloud's example with the book with many chapters.  The problem is they can't seem to remember what happened in the previous chapter!

My exuBPDgf and I have seen each other a couple of times since the b/u.  Invariably something comes up that we experienced together that was noteworthy.  She'll look at me vacantly with dazed eyes while barely acknowledging that we even did that together!

Sure he may have thought that he "loved" her in high school---but it was nothing other than a crush or bout of infatuation common with immature adolescents.  Sadly his perception of love hasn't changed and never will.

[Pretty Woman]

For me personally it got better when I realized how selfish she is. Any time something bad happened in my life she dumped me. My dad was sick in the hospital. Dumped. My best friend of twenty years *who recently came back into my life  * broke our friendship over my "coming out". Dumped.

I could NEVER trust or rely on this person. Broken plans, promises and isolation from those who really loved me.

The funny thing is I think even today she thinks she could get me back. There is not a chance in H E L L.

[Hopeful83]

I like Cloud's example with the book with many chapters.  The problem is they can't seem to remember what happened in the previous chapter!

My exuBPDgf and I have seen each other a couple of times since the b/u.  Invariably something comes up that we experienced together that was noteworthy.  She'll look at me vacantly with dazed eyes while barely acknowledging that we even did that together!

Sure he may have thought that he "loved" her in high school---but it was nothing other than a crush or bout of infatuation common with immature adolescents.  Sadly his perception of love hasn't changed and never will.

Wow, scary that she seems so dazed when you mention the past! Bizarre. Him and I only broke up once before during the three years we were together for three weeks and we got back together fairly easily. Well I say that but he didn't get in touch for two weeks, I reached out, and we ended up back. If only I knew then what I know now... .

And yeah, I guess that's his view of 'love.' I always found it strange that despite the fact I was the only person he'd had an actual REAL relationship with, he claimed he'd been in love four other times before me. He was 24 when I met him.

Hindsight... .

[Hopeful83]

For me personally it got better when I realized how selfish she is. Any time something bad happened in my life she dumped me. My dad was sick in the hospital. Dumped. My best friend of twenty years *who recently came back into my life  * broke our friendship over my "coming out". Dumped.

I could NEVER trust or rely on this person. Broken plans, promises and isolation from those who really loved me.

The funny thing is I think even today she thinks she could get me back. There is not a chance in H E L L.

That's awful. Those are the times you really NEED your partner to be with you, not break your heart ffs.

We only broke up once before, but that was honestly both our fault. This time around, though, ALL him. That too while my sister is battling cancer and my brother had been rushed to hospital. Once he started acting up while I really needed him I knew it would be over. Which was strange, because he'd kept up the facade of caring partner for three whole years.

[once removed]

hey hopeful83 

i understand how this stings  . it feels surreal, and we can find ourselves going through jealousy, or self blame, questioning the sanity, etc. its devastating.

to tell you the truth, engagement around two to three months is quite common, right or wrong. is it fast? sure. my parents, before they met, exchanged letters for a year. upon meeting they were engaged in two weeks. theyve been happily married over thirty years.

granted, neither of them were fresh out of a long term relationship. at that point its not just "fast", it might be highly impulsive and it is ill advised. you asked "Is getting engaged so quickly after a breakup a common thing among those with BP? And why? Surely anyone would know that it's ill-advised and kind of immature to do that?". an impulsive person does not consider the consequences of their impulsive actions. a person with BPD is desperate to feel whole - a relationship is the solution. marriage, engagement, those seem like the escape from abandonment. your particular ex may feel its entirely normal.

unfortunately, this attitude is not unique to BPD. just look at the threads about dating another person to get over the ex with BPD. in high school i didnt deal well with breakups, and finding someone new seemed like the solution. it worked a few times, in the sense that i got over an ex, but this is a very shaky foundation upon which to build a relationship.

there is really no way to know how this relationship will play out. the fact is it has no bearing on your relationship or you as a person  .