Was doing ok for a stretch, now grieving again, why? Update

[Sunfl0wer]

Hey guys,

I appreciate this site and all the support here always!

So I have not been as active here as I was months ago, mainly because I have been focused on me and being involved in rebuilding a life for myself and son.  My thoughts of ex and the r/s and the loss of my SD were less and less pervasive in my mind.  I have moments of fond thoughts, and moments of sad thoughts but nothing that distracts me for too long.  (However, About wkly, I do have dreams related to the r/s)

Just these past few weeks, I have been growing more into the idea that this is my new life, a new chapter, and really feeling committed to a life that I lead solo. 

I really thought I had fully accepted it "was over" for good many months ago.

He moved out March, I moved out May.  That is almost 5 months since I left our shared living situation... .or longer since the b/u. 

So why do I now experience a sense of loss again, over him recently telling me he will begin dating?

What will it take for me to wrap my head completely around the fact that it is done and over with... .So that I would feel no more pain at any news or info regarding him?

I am literally confused in a logical way.  What the heck is my heart is doing and why is it attached in anyway that could cause this pain, as I thought I was 90% over him?  (I expected a year of grief as the major holiday's pass and new events cause grief to resurface... .as I adjust my definition of myself moving through life single.)

Maybe Now is a good time to review the grieving sections?

What do I need to have 100% full closure and never feel hurt by knowing anything? How will I know I have achieved this?

(I know it is possible as I have other ex's, and I would not feel pain to hear of their dating)

I feel like I am "craving" a sense of closure from him.  We spoke today about some business thing, and I asked him something personal that I had found out.  He told me to move on.  I am grateful he did because it has never been truly clear to me, I thanked him for expressing himself clearly as I needed it.

I feel like I am craving for him to just "set the record straight" in terms of all of the inconsistencies he spoke.  I feel like I want him to bluntly discount all the tiny sand grains of hope etched in my mind and just send the message: NEVER EVER, EVER, EVER would I EVER consider getting back with you.  I could not, would not do it and am 100% certain of this.

I feel like there was a hidden cell of hope within my body that was dormant. It has now revived just to feel the pain of rejection.  Where is my RA?  How do I find all those grains and pluck them away?

I'm now confused by these feelings. 

Warmly,

Sunflower

[enlighten me]

Hi Sunflower

I can relate as when I split up from my ex wife I had these set backs. I believe that for me it came from still having hope that maybe we would get back together. Every little thing that came out knocked me back.

With my exgf I had the attitude that I couldn't believe anything she had said and I never wanted to go back. Im not saying that I didn't have set backs but they where a lot less intense.

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi Sunflower

I can relate as when I split up from my ex wife I had these set backs. I believe that for me it came from still having hope that maybe we would get back together. Every little thing that came out knocked me back.

With my exgf I had the attitude that I couldn't believe anything she had said and I never wanted to go back. Im not saying that I didn't have set backs but they where a lot less intense.

Thank you for taking the time to read and reply Enlighten me.

The thing is... .I was logically convinced that even if he wanted to be together, that there was really no way ever as our situations and lives are now clearly not compatible.

I could never again have him around my son.  I could never again, attach and then loose my SD a third time.  I could never again trust him, therefore, the only other option would be my eventual resentment towards him.  So I thought I knew it was over.

I now imagine there was a grain in my heart that escaped my logical mind.  I think this grain has the affliction of magical thinking. 

I thought that moving on... .was a path to closure.  So why was I moving on, the this grain came to surface?

What will it take before any thought about his life would never cause me to be moved in any way?

How do I know when my grieving is completed for good?

[enlighten me]

I think that its normal to hold onto these grains even though we don't realise it. Like I said with my exgf it still wasn't easy just easier.

I don't think you will know when you've rid yourself of these grains it will just happen and you wont realise it. You will just one day look and back and realise it has happened.

[OnceConfused]

Your feeling of attachment is quite NORMAL, so don't fret about it. Just let it be and then let it go. LIke the clouds that come past your window, and guest what moments later your view of the sky from your window is clear again.

Your attaching mind is full of selective memory - unfortunately only to those good times, but it needs to be reminded of the bad times and why you choose to leave in the first place.

With times, the attachment will be less and less of a presence in your mind. You have to let time takes its course

[Darsha500]

Hi sunflower,

Though my experience is certainly different than yours, there are many things I can relate to in your post.

With this newly emerging season, and my grieving getting less intense as time goes on, I feel as if I'm really begging to make strides into the future, and letting go of the past. Making some great head Way into this new chapter, so to speak.

Yet, like your grain anology, there still seems to be some fibers connected to my ex that have yet to atrophy and fall by the way side. Poison still pumps through these fibers from time to time, some pumps more strong than others.

These unanswered questions, this lack of closure. This dialog with a question mark. When will I be free? When will I be completely detached? What will it feel like? I too would like to know the answers to these questions.

The feelings we are experiencing are rooted in the human condition. They are existential quandaries. They are rooted in uncertainty. As we traverse the road of recovery, we lack the security of certainty. This makes our journey all the more difficult. We are left without concrete answers and forced to construct our own answers out of the material of our raw experience.

You will find resolution. And that resolution may be partly the resolution that there is not much resolution to be had. At least for the time being. Resting in our uncertainty. That is our challenge.

Godspeed.

[Sunfl0wer]

Thank you guys.

I feel like part of me is trapping the grief inside, however, being able to put a vioce to it here is allowing it to flow.  So I think sharing and relating, is a part of my healing process atm.

Thank you for your kindness when I am feeling pain... .and being a part of the process.

Knowing I can feel, and grieve, and it be ok... .

Must be exactly what I need.

Now to logically decide and balance when to compartmentalize it to focus on living.  For now, I will allow myself a day off for self kindness and grief.  Maybe an hour... .or till bedtime?

[Sunfl0wer]

I think that its normal to hold onto these grains even though we don't realise it. Like I said with my exgf it still wasn't easy just easier.

I don't think you will know when you've rid yourself of these grains it will just happen and you wont realise it. You will just one day look and back and realise it has happened.

Thanks, it just happening, and not realizing it makes sense.

It is easier than before... .still sucks... .but much easier.

[Sunfl0wer]

Your feeling of attachment is quite NORMAL, so don't fret about it. Just let it be and then let it go. LIke the clouds that come past your window, and guest what moments later your view of the sky from your window is clear again.

Your attaching mind is full of selective memory - unfortunately only to those good times, but it needs to be reminded of the bad times and why you choose to leave in the first place.

With times, the attachment will be less and less of a presence in your mind. You have to let time takes its course

Thank you OnceConfused,

I think I am doing good with integrating my memory.  I realize the logical reasons it will not work and why I do not want us to be together.

There does feel like a grain in me of magical thinking that loves what I dreamed of.  I spent years with a positive image of what my future would look like.  It is not my ex I grieve, it is my image of who I am that I lost.  Not who I am now and my past, but who I am over the span of my past, present and future.

Maybe when I have that more clearly redefined without him... .  Or maybe when I RA that life and existing is not a tangible image, but an ever changing process... .idk... .something like that... .just making up something here to self soothe I suppose!  Lol!

[Sunfl0wer]

Hi sunflower,

Though my experience is certainly different than yours, there are many things I can relate to in your post.

With this newly emerging season, and my grieving getting less intense as time goes on, I feel as if I'm really begging to make strides into the future, and letting go of the past. Making some great head Way into this new chapter, so to speak.

Yet, like your grain anology, there still seems to be some fibers connected to my ex that have yet to atrophy and fall by the way side. Poison still pumps through these fibers from time to time, some pumps more strong than others.

These unanswered questions, this lack of closure. This dialog with a question mark. When will I be free? When will I be completely detached? What will it feel like? I too would like to know the answers to these questions.

The feelings we are experiencing are rooted in the human condition. They are existential quandaries. They are rooted in uncertainty. As we traverse the road of recovery, we lack the security of certainty. This makes our journey all the more difficult. We are left without concrete answers and forced to construct our own answers out of the material of our raw experience.

You will find resolution. And that resolution may be partly the resolution that there is not much resolution to be had. At least for the time being. Resting in our uncertainty. That is our challenge.

Godspeed.

Hi Darsha,

Thank you greatly for relating.  I am finding that this relating is helpful in me being able to access my feeling vs numbing.

I am glad that you are finding things easier with time.

Yes, I want more security, certainty... .I want 1+1 to equal 2, however, maybe it is just the nature of grief... .unexplainable in some ways.

I want to draw thick borders around this.

I want to know the end.

I want a grief chart more specific than the stages that paints the path and move to take with view of the finish line.

Thank you for sharing!

[myself]

Accepting that there may always be some grains in there could also be helpful. Not fighting it or thinking it's something 'wrong'. Some of them represent positives like love, commitment, friendship... .For me, I see it like the way trees have rings inside that show the various years of growth they've experienced. Some rings show more rain, or drought, or whatever it was at the time. Pain, prosperity, dreams... .It's who they (we) are. You can't really remove certain selected rings. That's the past. The thing is to just keep growing. Reaching for the sunshine and etc. Being yourself.

[cyclistIII]

I now imagine there was a grain in my heart that escaped my logical mind.  I think this grain has the affliction of magical thinking. 

Indeed! I love how you phrase this and I feel exactly the same way. I think the way my T put it was, it sometimes takes time for your heart to catch up with your brain.

[JohnnyShoes]

I agree cyclist.

I've also heard :

Emotions don't have an IQ.

Meaning... Their just emotions, they don't know any better. But they'll come along.

That's where Time comes in.

Time, and New Experiences

[Sunfl0wer]

Accepting that there may always be some grains in there could also be helpful. Not fighting it or thinking it's something 'wrong'. Some of them represent positives like love, commitment, friendship... .For me, I see it like the way trees have rings inside that show the various years of growth they've experienced. Some rings show more rain, or drought, or whatever it was at the time. Pain, prosperity, dreams... . It's who they (we) are. You can't really remove certain selected rings. That's the past. The thing is to just keep growing. Reaching for the sunshine and etc. Being yourself.

I love this, myself, thanks!

I am full of sunshine!

Thanks cyclistIII & JohnnyShoes. 

I am feeling better knowing my grief is not in silence.

[jhkbuzz]

... .I realize the logical reasons it will not work and why I do not want us to be together.

There does feel like a grain in me of magical thinking that loves what I dreamed of.  I spent years with a positive image of what my future would look like.  It is not my ex I grieve, it is my image of who I am that I lost.  Not who I am now and my past, but who I am over the span of my past, present and future.

Maybe when I have that more clearly redefined without him... . Or maybe when I RA that life and existing is not a tangible image, but an ever changing process... .idk... .something like that... .just making up something here to self soothe I suppose!  Lol!

Boy can I relate to THAT! That was the hardest part of all to let go. I was surprised when I finally realized that those thoughts had very little to do with my ex - it was all stuff that I conjured up myself.