new partners

[jeffro]

hi all i joined up with this family about 4 yrs ago can i say it saved my life. yes saved my life. i was in a very dark place.i would like to tell you a little story maybe i was sick in what i am about to tell you but i needed answers. my ex gf of 9 yrs met a new partner within days of us splitting up.it killed me to be honest i wanted revenge bad .flaunting him in front of me when i collected the kids. doing and going to all the places we went together even went on the holiday i was meant to take her.anyway cut long story short i became friends with her new partner. just chatting when i picked kids up.they got engaged after a couple of months and then married in under a year. may i just say a work mate took me away when they got married it was killing me. anyway this marriage lasted just over a year .in that year of marriage i took my kids on holiday only to get phone call from ex saying can she travel to meet up and have a family holiday really i declined her offer i was strong that day .so really the marriage was over much sooner but she still put up good show in the general public as they do.untill door closes .anyway her husband contacted me. after there marriage collapsed i met up with him and started to chat do you know what he lived my life in every detail and i mean every detail i know it was sick but i still wanted answers and so all you out there who think they change i can tell you 100% they cant.they just keep repeating the same old pattern sorry for the long story but just thought it would help some of you out there.take care everyone

[Herodias]

Thank you for that... .Mine seems to be repeating the pattern too. I can watch what is going on through fb to a point. I think your talking with the other ex gives you more perspective. What did he say when you told him what you lived through? Did he wonder why you didn't tell him what he was getting into? What was his response to the whole thing?

[Hopeful83]

hi all i joined up with this family about 4 yrs ago can i say it saved my life. yes saved my life. i was in a very dark place.i would like to tell you a little story maybe i was sick in what i am about to tell you but i needed answers. my ex gf of 9 yrs met a new partner within days of us splitting up.it killed me to be honest i wanted revenge bad .flaunting him in front of me when i collected the kids. doing and going to all the places we went together even went on the holiday i was meant to take her.anyway cut long story short i became friends with her new partner. just chatting when i picked kids up.they got engaged after a couple of months and then married in under a year. may i just say a work mate took me away when they got married it was killing me. anyway this marriage lasted just over a year .in that year of marriage i took my kids on holiday only to get phone call from ex saying can she travel to meet up and have a family holiday really i declined her offer i was strong that day .so really the marriage was over much sooner but she still put up good show in the general public as they do.untill door closes .anyway her husband contacted me. after there marriage collapsed i met up with him and started to chat do you know what he lived my life in every detail and i mean every detail i know it was sick but i still wanted answers and so all you out there who think they change i can tell you 100% they cant.they just keep repeating the same old pattern sorry for the long story but just thought it would help some of you out there.take care everyone

Hello Jeffro 

Thank you so much for sharing this, I have to admit, it made me chuckle. And it helps to know that the cycle repeats itself. I find myself wondering sometimes if he'll be different with her; does anyone else do that?

My ex got engaged to someone else within two months of us splitting up. To be honest in a way he did me a massive favour by getting engaged so soon because once I found out and the initial pain subsided I realised that he is, indeed, a very ill person who will never change unless he gets the help he needs (which, going by his behaviour now, he's not going to do). Fresh out of a three-year relationship he's now in love with someone else so quickly? Please.

It helped me to feel less angry and more pity, for both of them. Yes, even 'her' who made the beeline for him when he was still with me. Oh boy is she in for the shock of her life when the mask slips, the rage spills out and she wonders where her knight and shinning armour has disappeared to.

My mum said to me at the beginning of this whole ordeal that you cannot build happiness on someone else's misery. Boy was she right.

[jeffro]

Herodias they do repeat the patterns believe me. i did tell him good luck he would need it. do u know that stuck with him thought i was being bitter at the start and suppose i was. when they finished that was the first thing he said to me by god he said to me i was right.i will say that she told him we where living seperate for the last year together.wish she had told me this as i wouldnt have took her away twice and decorated the whole house.suppose i was just feathering her nest may i just say she on to her next man days after her mnarriage ended got engaged month after oh and shes still legally married no shame.

[jeffro]

hopeful 83 yes they do change but its just a scam my ex hated football but she never misses a game because her new partner is into football i know she hates football but to see pictures of her in her football top going to football matches makes me smile. because there is a saying we know what lays behind the mask.

[SummerStorm]

jeffro,

I luckily had my former friend BPD's ex-boyfriend's phone number, even though I never met him, so after she left him and then discarded me for the second time a month later, I texted him and asked, "So, how bad does she get?"  Six weeks later, we're still trading stories.

Some of the similarities we've found?  Let me give you the short list:

Silent treatment, mirroring, staying inside all the time, mocking, refusing to talk about serious issues, raging for no reason, major engulfment fears, reckless spending, calling everyone in her life "crazy," messiness. That's on top of the things we both experienced at the same time, such as her cutting, drug use, and suicide attempt.

Not to mention the fact that her relationship with him and friendship with me both started going downhill after just around three months.  She ended her friendship with me not long after wanting to move in with me and ended her relationship with him a month before moving across the country with him. 

She told both of us the same stories about her "abusive" exes.  All this ex did was hold her down and block her punches, but she told him that he was worse than an ex who had supposedly shoved her head through a wall.   

I'm so glad I had his number and could compare stories.  It also made me realize how big of a bullet I dodged.  She asked me in March if I wanted to rent a place with her, but I wasn't ready to move out yet.  In April, she asked again, and I said I didn't want to waste money on an apartment.  She asked again in early May but then decided to stay with her boyfriend.  A few weeks later, she asked again, and I said she could move in with me once I bought a house and got settled, but she felt engulfed after we looked at a house.  The most recent time she asked me was after she hadn't spoken to me for two months, and there was no way in hell that I was going to allow her to live with me. 

[jeffro]

they really are all the same i compared notes with her now ex. and we lived the same life the same time scale throughout  the relationships i would like to add dont know if its a thing they do but the lies they say about the relationships they  all are abusive exes told people i was violent/ mind controlling .wish i was a mind reader sooner

[Michelle27]

Sadly I didn't have the conversation with his first wife until AFTER we split, but yes, it was illuminating.  She only lasted 3.5 years as opposed to my 15 but I really wish I had talked to her early in the relationship.  Because I know what I know now and how he told me she was an abusive wife, etc., I know what he's saying about me.  I've been out now for almost 4 months (after 3 months of a therapeutic separation) and I feel like I got away by the skin of my teeth... .

And I know he's also repeating the same pattern he did with me... .the early stages of a BPD relationship is heady and I know he's doing the same things he did with that woman... .buying her expensive roses (while not paying a cent in child support for our child), many meals out and telling her how wonderful she is.  I so want to warn her, but I know it will fall on deaf ears.