Struck by sadness again

[Lifewriter16]

It's nearly 3 weeks since my BPDxbf told me he wants no more contact with me and wants to move on with his life. We've been there before, but this time, I now it's the end. I've been up and down since then. I've just been texting a friend an update and feel suddenly struck by grief again. The more I have read about BPD as our 'relationship' has progressed through 7 recycles, the more I have seen the classic BPD pattern playing out between us. It was naive of me to think that our BPD relationship could be the exception to the rule, but I needed to believe in the fantasy he was presenting to me. I needed to believe that I could be loved like that.

I feel sad, but I now know that whatever I tried, I couldn't help him. I had become a part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Alarm bells went off when he told me very early on that he had put me in his 'safe place'.     I knew it was premature. He had no reason to think I was safe, no real experience of me. I knew I wouldn't stay there.

I loved him folks. I thought I'd marry him in the end and he'd be my happily ever after. I wish him all the best.  Here's to him. I've moaned and complained and said some awful things about him in my hurt and anger and many of you have read them. But, he still gave me a lot. I hope he can forgive me for my failings and my unkindness. May he find healing and happiness eventually. And may I do so too.

I feel like 'we' have finally died. In my mind's eye, I am in a crematorium and I can see a casket going in for cremation and I am all on my own. All the other mourners have left. I have stayed behind. I need to walk out of this place and into the light of day. I have to stop sitting here with the dead day after day. I must let go... .

Lifewriter x

[Darsha500]

Beautifully put lifewriter. Very cathartic.

Like the Phoenix, from the ashes we are reborn.

[OnceConfused]

Rumi once said:

"wound is the crack where light enters your soul."

You are grieving the loss of hope of a future with him. Trust that on the other side of grief is GROWTH. Once you let time heal your grief, then you will see growth. You know , you will find some one else who will make you much happier.

Just stay steadfast and let the light enters your soul

[JohnnyShoes]

It's nearly 3 weeks since my BPDxbf told me he wants no more contact with me and wants to move on with his life. We've been there before, but this time, I now it's the end. I've been up and down since then. I've just been texting a friend an update and feel suddenly struck by grief again. The more I have read about BPD as our 'relationship' has progressed through 7 recycles, the more I have seen the classic BPD pattern playing out between us. It was naive of me to think that our BPD relationship could be the exception to the rule, but I needed to believe in the fantasy he was presenting to me. I needed to believe that I could be loved like that.

I feel sad, but I now know that whatever I tried, I couldn't help him. I had become a part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Alarm bells went off when he told me very early on that he had put me in his 'safe place'.     I knew it was premature. He had no reason to think I was safe, no real experience of me. I knew I wouldn't stay there.

I loved him folks. I thought I'd marry him in the end and he'd be my happily ever after. I wish him all the best.  Here's to him. I've moaned and complained and said some awful things about him in my hurt and anger and many of you have read them. But, he still gave me a lot. I hope he can forgive me for my failings and my unkindness. May he find healing and happiness eventually. And may I do so too.

I feel like 'we' have finally died. In my mind's eye, I am in a crematorium and I can see a casket going in for cremation and I am all on my own. All the other mourners have left. I have stayed behind. I need to walk out of this place and into the light of day. I have to stop sitting here with the dead day after day. I must let go... .

Lifewriter x

Life writer, love your writing... .sad for your heart. There's a Time for everything... .The singing of birds will come for you, but right now, you must grieve... .however long that's with you. But I feel you sweety. It will be OK.

It's our feelings and emotions that must let go, our minds know the right path... .and they will follow... but its gonna take TIME. There's a time for everything... .a time to laugh, and a time to cry. A time for joy and a time for sorrow.

You will fly HIGH again my dear... .The singing of birds will come.

Hugs

Johnny

[Lifewriter16]

Thank you folks.

I can't tell you how much it has meant to have this place, and all the lovely people who come here,   to support me during what has been one of the most painful times of my life. Now I am no longer cut off from my emotions, I am feeling everything.

The singing of the birds will come... .

Love Lifewriter

[JohnnyShoes]

 

[scgator]

It's nearly 3 weeks since my BPDxbf told me he wants no more contact with me and wants to move on with his life. We've been there before, but this time, I now it's the end. I've been up and down since then. I've just been texting a friend an update and feel suddenly struck by grief again. The more I have read about BPD as our 'relationship' has progressed through 7 recycles, the more I have seen the classic BPD pattern playing out between us. It was naive of me to think that our BPD relationship could be the exception to the rule, but I needed to believe in the fantasy he was presenting to me. I needed to believe that I could be loved like that.

I feel sad, but I now know that whatever I tried, I couldn't help him. I had become a part of the problem rather than part of the solution. Alarm bells went off when he told me very early on that he had put me in his 'safe place'.     I knew it was premature. He had no reason to think I was safe, no real experience of me. I knew I wouldn't stay there.

I loved him folks. I thought I'd marry him in the end and he'd be my happily ever after. I wish him all the best.  Here's to him. I've moaned and complained and said some awful things about him in my hurt and anger and many of you have read them. But, he still gave me a lot. I hope he can forgive me for my failings and my unkindness. May he find healing and happiness eventually. And may I do so too.

I feel like 'we' have finally died. In my mind's eye, I am in a crematorium and I can see a casket going in for cremation and I am all on my own. All the other mourners have left. I have stayed behind. I need to walk out of this place and into the light of day. I have to stop sitting here with the dead day after day. I must let go... .

Lifewriter x

Beautifully put, Lifewriter, describes how I felt for my uexgf and the entire situation. I don't recall making posts about all the good stuff, just the hurtful. There was both. Here's to the great people on this site and the day the singing of birds comes back for all of us.

[cloudten]

I know it hurts. Be kind to yourself... .its a long way out.

 

[Suspicious1]

I've never known pain like it, and you express that experience so well. There's nowhere to hide from pain like that - when you think you've discovered the love that had always been waiting for you, when you thought you'd come home - and then you find that none of it exists, it is a real loss. You're grieving, and I know it feels awful.

This morning I woke up and thought "it's been a long, long time since I woke up with him the first thing on my mind, with that deep, biting pain when I remember he's no longer with me. It's been a long, long time since I couldn't check my phone without hoping for a message from him". I don't know when those things went away, I just know they're gone. I still get sad, it still hurts sometimes, I still long for him now and again, but if my feelings changed before they can change again. Nothing lasts. I hope it feels better for you soon.

[joeramabeme]

LW - Thank you for sharing all that.  Love reading your posts and you have a way of saying my feelings that I could never.