Still hurting so badly. Don't know what to do.

[Devastated1227]

I asked for a divorce from my BPD wife who I was with for five years last Dec. 29. Two days later she went on Match.com and started dating. She had done this basically every time I had wanted a divorce and was going to leave. I signed the divorce papers about two weeks later and moved out on Jan 23. About a week before I moved out she had a date with a guy and after I left, she proclaimed she was in love with him 10 days later and she got engaged about a week after that. A month later they moved in together. I know intellectually 100% I made the right decision, but I have terrible loss issues as a result of losing my mom when I was 13, and because of that, I am suffering terribly, and feel I made the wrong decision, because I'm more unhappy without her than I was with her, and have battled with depression my whole life. She was verbally and emotionally abusive. As so many people have stated here, and my psychiatrist told me for many years, that no matter what I did for her, it was never going to be enough. Because of some of my own issues, I blame myself for the relationship not working and feel I would have been better off staying with her. It is so difficult to be alone and dealing with my feelings of loss. But I also know she was horribly abusive and neglectful to her 3 kids that she had in previous marriages. The stories are actually horrifying. As for me, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer in 2013. A day after I had my biopsy, where indications looked like it was cancer, my wife complained that I was rushing through love making during my illness. I couldn't believe that's what she was concerned about. We had a huge fight and she threatened to divorce me. When I finally had my surgery, which lasted 6 hours and left me with a huge scar across my neck, my wife was upset with me five days after the surgery and said I was thoughtless that I didn't ask her if she had needed to use the bedroom to masturbate since I had been home from the hospital. That of course led to another huge fight and even the next day she thought I should apologize to her. So that's some of my story. Anybody want to tell me I'm crazy for missing her and thinking I made a mistake to leave her.

[almosthadme]

It's totally normal for you to feel the way you do.I was with my exBPDgf for 2 years and it took just about that to get over her.The trick is what is said here time and time again... .No contact... do not look at her social media and do not email,text,call nothing.It is the only way you will put it behind you.As for the way she treated you during your crisis with cancer... .that is just plain heartless but then again they do not know what love is.

[Herodias]

So sorry for all that you have been through... .you should have had someone beside you that would be caring and understanding. Instead you had a selfish brat. You are doing the right thing leaving. You deserve much more. It is normal to be missing her... .just remember, it's not her exactly... .it's what you wish she was. It is also our codependency ways that keep us addicted. Watch some u-tube videos on co-dependancy- Ross Rosenberg is good. This will help you to see why you are still yearning. Give it 3 months of no contact to begin to feel better. It is a process and you have to grieve what you wish you had... .it's never easy to let go of the past. We make new memories everyday. Find some hobbies and friends and get out and live. After all you have been through, you deserve that.

[enlighten me]

Hi Devastated

Welcome to the family.

Im sorry you've had to go through this. I can certainly relate to you missing your ex. I can also relate to not wanting to be on your own as its scary. What I will say is that being on my own has probably been one of the best things I have done. Its not such a scary place and has given me time to look at myself and come to understand why I do things. For all too long I believed I needed someone to make me happy and complete myself. Now I realise that only I can make me happy and I don't need to be completed because I am a whole person. I don't have to put up with bad behaviour because I am worth more than that.

It probably feels as if your world has ended and you struggle to do anything. It certainly did for me. I couldn't eat, couldn't sleep, my mind wouldn't shut up. I was at the lowest point in my life. It does get better though. Its not a quick thing. Slowly but surely you improve. Some days it may feel as if you are taking a step backwards and having to start all over again but you don't realise your new starting point is further on than you were in the beginning.

Keep posting and keep reading. It does help. There are lots of other things you can do to help you through this. Distraction is a major one. The less you think about your ex the more time you have to heal. Easier said than done I know.

It may be worth you reading the lessons and articles on the leaving board.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=8.0

We mourn the loss of our relationship and as such need to grieve. This is perfectly normal. It may be worth your while having a read about the stages of grieving. We can sometimes get stuck in one of these stages which isn't good for us.

EM

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Devastated,

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. I'm sorry to hear you've been through such upsetting things though. Are you still having treatment for the cancer and how does it leave you feeling? I've heard that depression often follows cancer, which may be intensifying things for you.

I'm not surprised to hear that all your BPDxw considered was herself during the time of your diagnosis. That is completely typical from what I've read here. I once told my BPDxbf that I wished I was dead. It turned into a massive argument with him saying how could I be so thoughtless as to upset him when I knew he was a widower. He said I should have known better. He couldn't face the thought of life without me and he made me think about that possibility which distressed him. Never mind me, hey?

It seems to me, that some pwBPD are so terrified of being on their own and the feelings they experience when they are alone, that they will create commitments with anyone who is available at the time. Unfortunately, that just seems heartless from the outside looking in and causes terrrible feelings of insignificance and rejection for the people they have left behind. It's completely understandable that you feel dreadful, but I can tell you that it does get better, gradually... .and you haven't made a mistake because you deserve to be treated well.

Lifewriter x