am I really dealing with BPD

[Daniell85]

The lack of empathy and self awareness from my boyfriend is so lacking that I am starting to wonder if I am dealing with more than BPD here. I see barely any remorse for the really terrible things he does. All I see is this controlling, cold behavior punctuated with lies, manipulations, and rages.

Seriously. Is this really BPD?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[formflier]

 

The thing is... .it is unlikely you will ever know for sure.

I used to spend a lot of time trying to figure out things... .or to get a diagnosis.

If you can focus more on the behavior... .I think you will have a better outcome and have a better chance to apply the correct tool in the correct way.

FF

[Daniell85]

I seem to be failing on the radical acceptance aspect of things. I always feel shocked and hurt by how he acts. When I am on the receiving end, it really messes up my day.

I asked him to stop blocking me on social sites. He had a massive fit at me, telling me he had to do it to protect himself and he really didn't care how I feel or what I want.

Essentially he is lying to me about his contact with other women, and doesn't want me to see what he is doing.

This led to a nasty fit on his side, blocking me on one place and unblocking me on another! In addition to the current blocking.

I figured at that point that it was useless to say much of anything at all while he is having a tantrum and raging, so I walked away and did some errands, etc.

I am hitting a lot of resistance inside myself. I guess because I keep seeing his behavior through a "normal" lense.

He shows a lot of contempt towards me on a regular basis. I am having doubts I will ever be able to break through that.

I don't want to even speak to him today after yesterday. I guess I need a few days to let the bad feelings calm down.

It may sound silly, but he treats everyone this way, so at least I am not being singled out.   

[formflier]

I figured at that point that it was useless to say much of anything at all while he is having a tantrum and raging, so I walked away and did some errands, etc.

I think if you moved this statement... .much... .much earlier in the interaction... .then you would probably have a better outcome... .for you... .and for him.

It's not your fault... .don't take any comments as "your fault".

There are topics in every r/s (mine included) that seem to be nuclear for some reason.  And... ."reason" won't prevail.  Emotion will... .on both sides.

For you... .I'm seeing the "blocking" as a nuclear issue.  

I'm sure you asked nicely... .perhaps you used tools.  I honestly don't think it would have mattered how well you said it.

For him... .he feels "blocking=survival".  

For you... .well... .I'll let you describe how you feel about it... .but it's obvious you have strong feelings.

Can you leave blocking alone for several months?  Zero tolerance... .don't mention it... .even it he brings it up.  Let him do... .what he does.  Hint:  He will anyways... .

Work on more minor issues... .yes they will be sideshows... .but if you can get a couple good interactions behind you... .maybe some other issues will thaw a bit.

FF

[Daniell85]

I can leave the blocking alone.

Thing is, since he has cheated and pulled a ton of things that caused harm to me by using deception, blocking, withholding information... .I am, for the first time in this relationship... barely able to even speak to him/interact.

Maybe that is anger? A lot of what is going through my own mind is how very disrespected I feel and what a terrible risk it is to get deeper involved under the conditions he is offering.

And I never had issues before with being so high horsed about respect. I am wondering if the boundary thing is really kicking up it's heels for me. At last I have boundaries! Ha.

I can interact politely but am really having a lot of resistance inside to sharing anything of importance. Why listen to someone who makes up lie upon lie? I guess I will think on that.

[formflier]

And I never had issues before with being so high horsed about respect. 

This is good... .

Have you discussed this with your T?

This is line of thinking to explore... .and expand.

You deserve respect.   From others... .and from yourself... .

Should you be describing it as an "issue"... .or is there a better word?

  FF

[Daniell85]

Self esteem


My therapist is refusing to discuss my boyfriend. She says he is crap, you shouldn't be there and it's a fake relationship. End of story for her.

Not happy with the lady. We never even got around to EMDR after months and it's what I went for.

I am going to look for a new therapist, so it will probably be a few weeks before I find one.

[Fian]

As a part of the relationship, do you expect it to be monogamous?  If so, then you have the following options as I see them:

1.  He either needs to unblock you and prove that he is being faithful (an issue since he was unfaithful before)

2.  You drop the requirement for monogamy

3.  You end the relationship

If this is a boundary issue for you, then I think the choices are 1 or 3 - and you can only fully control choice 3, as 1 is in his court.

[Daniell85]

The relationship is having it's limits right now, obviously. I don't believe he is going to unblock, as he interprets that as an ultimatum. He doesn't want me to know what he is doing. He absolutely will NOT be accountable for the cheating and the damage it's caused.

Probably there is a limit on this for me and I don't see me staying if something doesn't change a lot in the next 6 months or so.  For now, I am going to sit with it and simply refuse to participate beyond a certain point.

[blackorchid]

Hey Daniell85

i totally understand how youre feeling about being blocked.  Its so frustrating and leaves you feeling so isolated. 

mine unblocked me for a week.  I dont think he liked what i wrote yesterday and so I am back to being blocked again.  Try to do whatever you can to keep you busy, although I understand just how hard that truly is!

stay strong.  Hope you find a new T soon

[formflier]

  For now, I am going to sit with it and simply refuse to participate beyond a certain point.

How does this match up with your values?

Look at this from his perspective, does he understand "a certain point" that you refuse to participate?

Have you clearly defined that point for yourself?

What is your T's explanation for no EMDR.  I'm fine with people changing Ts and MCs to find one that works. 

I worry that some people do that without effectively complaining to the T. 

Sometimes that is because the T doesn't listen and is going down the wrong path.  Sometimes that is because the T has things to say that the patient doesn't want to hear and process.

At this point... .I don't have nearly enough info to offer any kind of opinion on which category you might fall into.  However if you haven't said "I'm very unhappy that there has been no EMDR or discussion of EMDR, can you explain your observations and treatment plan for me, I need to understand where you believe I need to go" 

Or something like that... .then I strongly encourage you to say that in the next session... .AT THE START... .and have a discussion about treatment. 

I'd be very interested in some of the other senior members that have experience as a T on the comments your T has made about your SO. 

Last question:  Do I remember correctly that you are being treated for PTSD? 

FF

[Daniell85]

I woke up this morning blocked on IM again     To say I am hurt and infuriated is an understatement. Naturally tears from me results in more retaliation.


The issue with the therapist: I have been going since July. I went for 2 things. To alleviate the panic attacks, and to get EMDR to take the intense fear and pain I feel over his treatment of me so I would feel better and be less likely to have the panic attacks.

Now keep in mind I have a diagnosed major panic disorder and PTSD.

So I go to her and she decides I have BPD. I protested to her that I do not have BPD, I have PTSD and a panic disorder.

She says it doesn't matter. Treatments are the same for both. I don't know if they are. However I have found her comments to me during therapy very demeaning.  I have redirected her numerous times, asking about the EMDR and she said to me that I just need to learn some self control.

I understand the concept of being able to slow down enough to redirect yourself from a huge panic attack or a flashback. But to tell me that diagnosed issues are REALLY BPD?

She then went on to tell me that my relationship is a fake one. That as someone with BPD I want the intensity, so I am using this false relationship to vent my angry emotions onto some person so I can keep up high levels of intensity because that is what I am used to.  She then told me that I think I need a man just so I don't have to look fully on the emptiness of the rest of my life and that I think there is nothing there and I don't know what to do with all of that empty space, so I go back around to look for the conflict because that is what a BPD does.


The rest of my empty life? What?  I have a life beyond this. I own a small energy company, we are expanding and I see no end in sight. I graduated from the University of Iowa with 4 undergraduate degrees and an MFA from the Iowa Writer's Workshop. I am so busy during the day, I barely have time to sit down. I feel I have a place in this world. I have so many plans and so many dreams.

I don't have conflict with hardly anyone, except this man who is supposed to be my boyfriend. I am getting NOTHING out of this situation at this point except mistreatment and I keep thinking I can break through to him, but I am dragging behind me the weight of the cheating, the lies, the disrespect and deliberate cruelty. It's a constant head game and being jerked around. I am UPSET. No one likes the endless grind of these situations.

When I am away from him, and the upset dies down, the quality of my life skyrockets. The panic attacks go away mostly, and I feel safer and as a result more internal peace.

Literally I cannot get this therapist to treat me for anything but borderline personality disorder.

When I was diagnosed with PTSD, I was tested for BPD. I have a panic disorder and PTSD.



How does that make me BPD.

[Daniell85]

Also, I don't actually know what to do except withdraw from him when he is acting in ways I can't tolerate.

He mistreats me, I leave.

What else is there to do? As soon as I try to communicate these things to him, he rages and blocks me.

[Daniell85]

And he is back. Unblocked me, started talking at me like nothing happened.

You know that point where you see the dream you had with them just wilt?

I am there.

[formflier]

 

Are you talking back?

My advice... .

Stay "inside" the push pull dynamic.

He unblocked and reached out.

Say hey... .be nonchalant... .and then let him know you are busy and will check back later.

Do not "chase" him. 

Let him chase you... .

If he stops chasing... .don't react.

Hang in there... .

FF

[Daniell85]

I talked back. He presented a neutral topic and we spoke on it for about 15 minutes. I genuinely had to go, as I was in the middle of some work stuff and had to be away from the computer. He seemed fine with that.

I didn't mention any of the troubles or show any stress on it.

Thanks 

[formflier]

 

Was this texting... .video chat... .or what?

My guess is that next time... .limit it to 5 minutes... .offer to schedule a longer session later.

FF

[Daniell85]

it was instant messaging on Skype.

[MaybeSo]

Hi Danielle85,

Your r/s dynamics sounds a lot like mine were.  

I am wondering about the therapy r/s, too.  From your description, the T sounds kind of awful.  I mean, T's do sometimes confront pretty intentionally, but usually it's after enough time has passed that there is a solid alliance and a lot of trust built.  From your description, the T sounds really flippant and is not meeting you where you are at... .which is sort of the point of therapy.  If she is way ahead... .then she is leaving you behind and can't be helpful to you.  She may have a lot of personal feelings about how your bf is treating you... .but... .therapists have to put their feelings aside in the service of the client.  Even DV counselors don't jump in and tell a client to leave or tell the client the r/s is fake... .you just create a power struggle with that approach.  It's just not the usual way therapy is done.  People have to live their lives and make their own choices, that is the ethical stance of a trained therapist.  You are not there to tell a person what to do or dictate to the client. A therapist is there to support you in that effort to live your own authentic life.  They are supposed to be good at reflecting back what you are sharing... .so that you go away with aha moments all on your own.  They do sometimes help to shine a light on problem areas but they do so skillfully ... .and that doesn't always feel good in the moment... .but that's why you need an established therapy alliance first.  There is a beginning, middle, and end to a therapuetic relationship... .I'd say you guys should still be at the beginning b/c you haven't seen her that long... .and it sounds like she is deep in the "middle"  part of therapy where there might be some confrontation.  

Bottom line... .I am wondering why you are still seeing this T based on your description... .it sounds very unsatisfying though quite provocative.  Is there something about her provocative manner that you are drawn to?  Is is helping?  Maybe if she does all the boundary work around your bf... .you won't have to?      

As for your bf and diagnosis... .Most of us are never all one 'thing'... .I'm sure your bf has a complex make-up. We all do.  :)o you think you may be addicted to the ups and downs of this dramatic r/s with him?  I know I was... .and when I say addicted... .I mean I could see it was unhealthy and in many many ways not good for me but I kept engaging over and over anyway in a way that was not good for me... .doing my part of the dance... .and hoping HE would change.  I has some PTSD symptoms during the worst of my relationship.  This is where a lot of sticky co-dependent stuff gets played out, too.

A lot of therapists consider BPD to be a type of Complex PTSD (relational, developmental PTSD).  

A lot of us do have traits of complex PTSD if not clinical BPD.  I certainly have some traits.  Being busy and productive doesn't really have anything to do with it.  I am always busy and productive, I would never qualify for a clinical dx of BPD or PTSD... .but I know myself... .and I know my traits.  I have some traits.  I have some intimacy issues.  I stay busy sometimes to stay away from certain internal realities, but I am getting better at being more at ease with myself.  I don't feel empty... .that has never been an issue, but I do have some intimacy issues.  And a fair amount of anxiety... .but I've had it so long, since childhood (again, chronic and complex) that it just feels normal to me unless I get into real distress as I did with my ex.  It is what it is.  

EMDR tends to be most appropriate for single incident trauma or what we consider to be more classic PTSD.  For example, if I was in a horrible car accident 5 years ago and still has a lot of PTSD symptoms from the accident... .EMDR would be a really good thing to try.  Lots of people get a lot of relief with it.

If I am in a painful relationship and it is ongoing and is creating some chronic stress or even PTSD symptoms... .EMDR would likely be less effective and hard to even do, how does the clinician treat the symptom if you are still in the trauma... .if you know what I mean.  Trauma is very complex.  If you get heart surgery, they require you to give up smoking etc. Some people don't and then they stay sick or struggle to even heal from the surgery... the heart surgery was just a very complicated bandaid.  Some therapists will do EMDR for more complex trauma... .but, I don't know that much about it being used that way.  I think it would have to augment other therapies if used for complex PTSD, regular talk therapy and DBT/CBT approaches... .and number one... .you have to feel really comfortable and and a lot of trust with your therapist.  EMDR doesn't offer a quick fix to complex, chronic trauma.

[Daniell85]

Hi Maybeso, thanks for your comments. You said a lot, so I need time to think.

I wanted the EMDR because I felt past incidents in my early life were setting off an overly strong response to my boyfriend's behavior. I felt if I could remove (somehow) or lessen the impact of those events, I would be less likely to panic.

As in, I am no longer 4 years old, I can protect myself now when a man gets angry.

The problem for me has been disengaging.

The therapist gave me what I felt was a very strong speech at the end of our last session. I was kind of stunned by her.

I gave a lot of thought to what she said and asked myself, why IS it that I have kept going back around to my boyfriend and trying to talk to him about his behavior. Or why did I stay when suddenly something shocking and terribly painful was suddenly revealed... why did I sit right there and try to talk to him. All I have ended up being is the recipient of threats, bullying, things someone should never ever say to anyone that they want in their life. And because I had not removed myself broadly and during those incidents, I ended up trying to talk it out with him. Really bad move on my part because eventually the aggression towards me becomes so extreme ( triggering off childhood panic and fear) that I have literally ended up shaking, my teeth chattering and hyperventilating and begging him to stop.

The therapist really did get me to thinking. What I realized, is that I have been believing on some level that since I was being blamed all the time, it was my problem to try and resolve with him.

I have done that since childhood. This is something my stepfather would do. He was a narc or BPD, or something. I have no idea, it wasn't good. There was a cycle where he would be stable for a couple of weeks. Then he would spiral down and begin attacking me. I was beaten, starved, harassed. And it was my job to "fix it" so he felt better and would stop abusing me.

I realized that I have been doing that in this relationship. When the therapist said I was seeking the conflict, I couldn't connect at all to what she was saying. I still don't.

The realization, though, that THIS has been the old pattern driving me back to "fix" what I was accused of breaking... .well funnily, I don't feel like chasing him around to fix anything at all now. As FF has seemed to note, I really have been persuing my boyfriend on this stuff with disasterous results. I am thinking a ton about that.

I think that due to how I was treated growing up and my early childhood, probably I really am a prime candidate for BPD. Maybe I do have some traits. But I think there is a line between repeating childhood patterns in order to try and feel safe... .and doing something to maintain a level of high intensity in order to feel "normal".

I can see where the therapist might think this, but I have been trying to redirect her over and over again. She has decided I have BPD. I disagree. I had a prior therapist who believed the diagnosis by my doctor was correct, she and I discussed the BPD. She said simply "I believe you are traumatized."

I lost that therapist, because I moved about 150 miles away from her.

The therapist I had recently... .I touched base with her over the weekend and let her know I wouldn't be back for more therapy. It was a fairly short term thing, about 4 months. It was helpful in many ways.

I may get another one soon, or take a pause and think on things more.

[formflier]

The therapist I had recently... .I touched base with her over the weekend and let her know I wouldn't be back for more therapy. It was a fairly short term thing, about 4 months. It was helpful in many ways.

I may get another one soon, or take a pause and think on things more.

Daniell85,

I would encourage you to think about going back for a final "meeting" with your T.  I understand if you don't want to do any more therapy with her.

To me, you seem poised to change some lifelong things.  My gut says that your T was a bit ahead of you.  I would think that you going in with a list of questions so you can understand why the T "went down" this path or that path is critical.

The T is human... .she is not right about everything.  She is not wrong about everything either.

Same for you.

But, you are the one that is making decisions for you.  It sounds to me like you are evaluating how you make decisions, looking to see if there is a better way.

You are doing great things for you... .my goal is to encourage you to keep up momentum.

I have a sense that some of the stuff you are evaluating is bigger than the r/s that brought you here

I really enjoy interacting with you here on the boards. 

How can we support you as you are thinking on things?


FF

[MaybeSo]

She has decided I have BPD.

This is again a very unusual approach. It leaves me scratching my head a bit in confusion.

Lots of people have traits. She probably does, too.  So what?

I gave a lot of thought to what she said and asked myself, why IS it that I have kept going back around to my boyfriend and trying to talk to him about his behavior. Or why did I stay when suddenly something shocking and terribly painful was suddenly revealed... why did I sit right there and try to talk to him. All I have ended up being is the recipient of threats, bullying, things someone should never ever say to anyone that they want in their life. And because I had not removed myself broadly and during those incidents, I ended up trying to talk it out with him. Really bad move on my part because eventually the aggression towards me becomes so extreme ( triggering off childhood panic and fear) that I have literally ended up shaking, my teeth chattering and hyperventilating and begging him to stop.

The therapist really did get me to thinking. What I realized, is that I have been believing on some level that since I was being blamed all the time, it was my problem to try and resolve with him.

I like that this is stimulating you to think in this way... .not sure about the shock value... .but at least this part seems to be helpful and is stimulating exploration.

I hope you get really good support for your continued growth and exploration moving forward.  You are connecting some important dots. It's good to have support for this.

A T can work with you just as effectively and not even really get into DX... .and certainly not get hooked into a debate about it.

((I have never heard of a T pushing a diagnosis like this before in session, though I'm sure it happens.  Most T refuse to even suggest it b/c of potential to do harm, stigma, it's not paid for by insurance, you can still treat symptoms appropriately w/out using it, the name is probably going to change in the future anyway and is misunderstood by the general public... etc. etc. etc.   You have a dx from a doc & previous T.  She can work with you just as well WITH the DX you have)).  

I wish she would listen to you more. I think there is potential for some really good work here... .but it doesn't have to be with her. 

[Daniell85]

She's been pretty insistent on the BPD stuff. I will qualify that, though.

I have spent a lot of time on this site and have really dug into the BPD stuff, along with narcissistic abuse. So I have learned the language and the ideas. We have talked here a lot about "why does the BPD cause an escalation and start drama when everything seems ok?"

The answer I have absorbed is the BPD is filled with the inner drama and upset feelings and unconsciously raises the outside environment to the inner level of upset because that is what they are "used" to or where their comfort zone is.

So what I was hearing from her was how I was seeking out "intensity". That I am used to "intensity". Because of the panic attacks and upsets that have been generated by my trying to talk to my boyfriend, she points out that I already know he will get upset and get ugly with me, then there is a major example of how I am doing this. In fact, she has pointed out, I am an abuser.

This is after she has invalidated the relationship as a "real" relationship, due to it being long distance. We are about 400 miles apart at this time. He is in Chicago and I since I moved, I am about 400 miles from Chicago. All visits back and forth stopped in May when he disregulated and started the blocking. Otherwise I would go there on weekends or he would come here.

She then concluded that the relationship is not real, it was simply a fantasy for me that I was using as a means to discharge my inner turmoil ( BPD) by generating conflict that I could use for that. In fact she told me, I was unwilling to face that I have no relationship and that a fake relationship I felt was better than my empty life without this fantasy.

She brushed off the infidelity, the impact on me, why I would be staying and trying to work it out, the possibility HE has BPD.

It honestly became really overwhelming for me, and I really felt I am not being heard.

I asked her point blank if she thought I am BPD. And this is where it was actually ME interpreting her, so to be fair she never said YOU HAVE BPD. What she did was evade an answer and say what you said, Maybeso, that the treatments are the same in many ways, so who cares what the diagnosis is?

I care. I have medical records that are  being impacted. I have a life that is impacted. We all know, fair or unfair, the stigma associated with BPD is an unkind one. Why should BPD be attached to me instead of PTSD and a major panic disorder?

I doubt when FF went to get treatment for PTSD that his psych put down BPD because he was traumatized and had panic attacks.

Maybe I am ranting a bit here. I was actually willing to overlook her intimations I have BPD in favor of the greater good of healing, until she came up with that last description of my life, who I am, what I want, and why I wanted to heal my relationship.

She just kind of lost me there. I actually was unable to even respond to her at that time on it, as I didn't even know what to say or feel. I thought for a few days and came to the conclusion that I was up against a lot of resistance from her on this, and I was up also a lot of resistance inside of ME on her perspective. Maybe she is right. I don't know. It doesn't resonate with me on a lot of levels.

I basically am not able at this time to move forward with her on things. So decided to have a break and rethink what it is I am actually needing and wanting.

I know that is a wall of text as what my thoughts have been, so if anyone wades through all of that, thank you! 

FF, I am not sure how you guys can help me, except to continue to give me your thoughts as I make more posts. The feedback has been immensely productive for me, and I appreciate that you have responded so much to what I have written. 

[MaybeSo]

I doubt when FF went to get treatment for PTSD that his psych put down BPD because he was traumatized and had panic attacks.

I doubt it too.

And, I don't think it applies in your case, either.  

I don't appreciate the therapist's confrontational approach as it's described, it sounds very invalidating, and I wish she would listen to you more and do less interpretation... but, I seriously doubt she is putting down BPD as a dx on anything.  There is no reason for her to do that.  Insurance doesn't pay for it.  Her descriptors could apply to anyone who is engaging in a really challenging or painful relationship or has a history of relational trauma that is impacting current behaviors.  PTSD looks a lot like BPD, so does some symptoms of cyclothymia and BiPolar.  Treatments that were originally designed for BPD that target coping skills and affect regulation have been shown to be effective for a wide variety of issues such as anxiety, PTSD, depression, ADHD, etc.  Affect regulation is a huge underlying issue in a lot of mental health issues, not just BPD.

Any of us on this board could look "borderline" when we are at are worst and knee deep in a very challenging relationship... .especially if that relationship really is w/ a person who may actually have serious symptoms of BPD or NPD.  B/c people decompensate when they are really stressed-out, fearful and confused.  That's why it's called 'fleas'... .it can stir up some of our own most wounded areas. That's why it's useful to leverage these painful relationship as a way to get more focused on our wounds and our own healing, and take the focus off the other person and off labels that are really only intended as information exchange in treatment planning and for insurance billing.   A lot of folks have codependent traits from neglectful or abusive childhoods where they were groomed at a very early age to feel very responsible for others. That will really get stirred up in a challenging relationship.  That's not the same as having BPD.  

Keep breathing and hang-in there. Keep learning about yourself.  That's the important thing, and that's the only healing path.  

[formflier]

 

In my experience... .the "diagnosers" (if that is a word) were different from the people doing treatment.

About mid-way in my experience in treatment (before I knew about BPD) my wife was "diagnosing" me with all kinds of things... .bi-polar and some others.

So there was a concerted effort to "rule out" diagnosis.

In the end the Psychologist (phd type) wrote a really good narrative that said that I was "solid" with PTSD and ruled out a bunch of other things.

He then did a plain english paragraph where he talked about the effect of PTSD on "marital distress".

He then talked about the effect of marital distress on PTSD and how the two "fed off" each other (my words).

I have never experienced anything like what Daniel85 has described.

And honestly... .that is one of the reasons that I am encouraging to have a final "close out" appointment so to speak.

To ask the questions and hear the answers about why certain "tactics" were used.  I'm sure there is a better word than tactic. 

I would not like to experience anything like she has described and I concur with looking elsewhere.

I'm big on "understanding" what I've gone through... .I really try to minimize assumptions.

FF

[Daniell85]

I trusted her to some degree. I was having some difficulty with the realization she was not ( for whatever reason) able to help me with my relationship and had canceled it out as a fantasy. I figured, ok, it's the core issues that are truly important and I will go with that.

It simply reached it's limit for me with what she said at the end of the last session.

I am doubtful of speaking to her again for any reason. This is why :  as she noted to me when I am upset about something, 2 things can happen. I hit fight or flight after a certain point. The idea was to manage myself to something in the middle. I have been having a lot of success with that, but sometimes I can't.

What I am saying is ( as strange as it sounds or as odd as I am) the trust she was establishing was lost with what she said to me. I was shocked in the same way my boyfriend has shocked me over and over. The same shocked feeling I have had in my life where I can't even say anything because the breach in trust feels so severe to me. This is where the panic attacks happen because I feel so afraid.

Ok I am messed up. I am afraid of her now. That is why I simply told her I would not be back and I thanked her for the help she had given me.

Am I in a state of JADE explaining this?   I might be. I think it says I am better than I was, but I am not even close to being past the fear and panic attacks.

As an aside, I have been talking to boyfriend and he has fallen back into his old habits of being happy to ignore the bigger picture. I don't personally see the relationship being healed as long as the breaches of trust are continuing. ( the hiding contact with other women, blocking me so I can't see it, disrespect and bullying)  So I am limiting the contact. I am doubtful I will ever trust him enough for us to end up where we had talked about ending up.

[formflier]

 

If you can't talk to her... perhaps you can email her the questions and she can respond in writing.

Listen... .I'm totally on your side... and like many others... .there are lots of ? around the tactics she decided to use.

Just because she holds an opinion and is a T... .doesn't mean you have to agree.

And... if you understand why and how this T developed a treatment plan that went bad for you... .then I think you stand a better chance of avoiding that next time around. 

And a better chance of getting what you want.

Especially if you questions uncover some miscommunication.

Such as... .when you said x... .therapist thought it meant y... .when you really meant it to be Z.  Ah... .and that changes everything.

 

FF 

[Daniell85]

I tried to write an email to her already. I am having a hard time with it. I think I upset her and now I don't want to seem like I am cross examining her.

I understand the point of not letting a bad experience keep me from the therapy, by figuring out where the wires got crossed this time around.

[formflier]

I tried to write an email to her already. I am having a hard time with it. I think I upset her and now I don't want to seem like I am cross examining her.

I understand the point of not letting a bad experience keep me from the therapy, by figuring out where the wires got crossed this time around.

She is a therapist... .that doesn't mean that you can completely disregard her feelings and disparage her... .but it means that she is trained to deal with hard questions.

Use tools from here when writing it.

Don't accuse... .ask for help understanding xyz... .(my favorite phrase!   )

Daniell85,

I really have the sense that you are working through some big stuff.

I also have the sense that this T is not the one to "take you the next mile".

I think that understanding why you and this T got crossed up is a big part of taking the "next step" on your journey.

Note:  For the record... .I think there is zero chance you are BPD.  As I read your posts about trauma and panic... .it brought back memories of when I was in the middle of serious panic stuff.  The "heat" of all that bubbling up inside me.

I did some unusual things while that was going on.  I'm sure some would have labeled me with all sorts of things... .who knows.

Anyway... .I think I have said some of that to you before... .but wanted to be clear.

If there is fear that a follow up conversation... .email... .whatever with a  T will reveal some sort of new "label"... .I'm doubtful. 

From one who has been deep in ptsd and panic... .I have totally related to much of what you have posted.

 

FF