Al- Anon?

[Mel1968]

Hi everyone

I seem to remember reading (but I can't now find where) that some members have been helped by going to Al-Anon?

I'm really feeling in need of some support in the aftermath of my relationship finally finally ending after dozens of increasingly bloody recycles over the past few months, and I don't have any friends or family who really understand, so I wondered about attending a local Al- Anon group. But:

Why might it be helpful for me as alcohol has never been involved, and

Wouldn't they possibly be a bit put out by someone going for whom alcohol isn't an issue?

Any advice/experiences appreciated.

Thanks

Mel

[Sluggo]

I have gone in spurts over a period of months to this and always find solace when I do.  Your BPD is your 'qualifier' .  I have got great wisdom in hearing the stories of the others.  It feels empowering.  I would encourage you to give it a try.  Some groups even separate out for the newbys and you go 6 sessions just with other newbys. 

[Mel1968]

So It's fine to say that my ex has BPD, is not an alcoholic? I had this worrying thought that I might need to pretend she was an alcoholic, or stay quiet, neither of which seemed either ethical or useful... .but I was also assuming I must be misunderstanding something along the way, hence the checking it out to be sure... .

Thanks, AKK4BVM, I'm glad it was useful for you.

[focus]

Hi Mel.

Have you considered CoDA meetings?

[mimi99]

I am in a 12-step recovery program and sometimes people come in who are not necessarily addicts, alcoholics, etc. I have attended Al-Anon as well and found them to be very welcoming. The goal of Al-Anon and Nar-Anon is for the member (you and me) to be happy no matter what the addict/alcoholic (substitute BPD) in their life is doing. The 12 steps are very helpful and healing no matter why you are there. . There are some of us that think the whole world could benefit from working the 12 steps! Lol. I encourage you to give it a try.

[Darsha500]

Hey Mel,

I'm a part of the 12 step movement and found al anon helpful in the aftermath. I understand were your coming from. Though my ex and I are both in recovery, the issues I'm dealing with are not nessessarily related to alcohol, only indirectly I suppose.

I go and I can still generalize all the stories to my own situation, as at bottom the message is the same, BPD, alcoholism, dosent matter. So you could go and just listen. I'm not sure how averse they'd be to you not having an alcoholic qualifier, as that is what the program is geared towards. If their decent people, I would hope they'd be understanding.

However, that is why coda exists. Which is co dependents anonymous. I have never been to one of these meetings, but I believe they are more open to all, sense there focus is simply on codependency.

Coda meetings may be harder to come by, but I'd encourage you to check out where local meetings are held in your area.

[Mel1968]

Thanks for your very helpful replies

I live in quite a small place and there doesn't appear to be a CODA meeting - I saw a poster in the local library last week and have contacted the national society, and got no reply, and called the local number given, to find that the number doesn't exist... .I did begin to wonder if it was some kind of test to see just the level of your dependency and resilience... .

Ok, I'm going to aim to go to the Al Anon meeting on Friday. I'll listen and then be honest...

Two more questions - is there like a leader, agenda etc or is it just a group where people who want to, talk, and will I be definitely  to speak?

Thanks

[mimi99]

There is a group leader who is not an authority--just another member taking their turn at running the meeting. Some meetings have an agenda, some will have a speaker, some will be open sharing. They almost always ask at the beginning if there is anyone new. You can introduce yourself and ask if they mind if you share during the meeting even if your loved one is ill, not alcoholic, etc.

[Mel1968]

That's really helpful, mimi99, thank you. I'm going to do it. I'll let you know how I get on... .

Mel

[Sluggo]

Good luck!  I think you will get something positive from it. 

[Tay25]

Al anon is for anyone who was raised in a toxic home environment. It may help you I'm not sure. I was debating going for a while as I am an ACoA but I've gone to therapy instead and learning how to understand myself and others really helped me become a better person today.

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Mel1968,

Yes, I went to several Al-anon meetings and found them helpful.  The principles are quite applicable to living with a pwBPD.  My BPDxW self-medicated w/alcohol.  Believe it or not, the Al-anon pamphlets have some good information, too.  Worth a try.

LuckyJim