Having a sad day.

[Depression = 72% of members]

It's been 1 year and 4 months with no contact and today I'm so sad.

I've been trying to explain this sadness to myself and this is what I came up with.

In my mind we had a cottage in the woods. We always wanted something secluded where we could grow our own vegetables and get away from city life. When I decided it would be no contact I imagined her showing up to our cottage. My things missing, signs of our life together either destroyed or former shells of themselves. I imagine her leaving maybe sad, maybe not. I haven't returned since only walking by watching our home deteriorate. 

Until today I'm walking in the woods, it's a gorgeous day and the air is crisp and clean and suddenly I remember that our home was here. I walk towards it . What once was a cute little cabin is now worn and covered in moss. There is ivy growing on the side, the wood is rotting the windows are dusted and dirty. The path leading up to our home is now covered with dirt and leaves.

In a moment of what could be labeled weakness, I decide to walk in. I take a deep breath and everything still smells the same. Everything is exactly the same as it was the day I decided to leave. I search hopeful that something has moved, a sign that she has been in the house recently, perhaps she was looking for a sign that I was there. Perhaps something that would let me know that she would be looking for something to remember me by. My heart sinks when I realize that the only person that has been in the last year and 4 months is me. I look around and see all of the good times we shared. I can see us dancing in the shadows, I can hear us laughing and talking. I can feel all the good times we had.

Just like that a breeze blows and I remember the arguments we had by the fireplace, the time she broke my heart by sneaking another person in via the backdoor. The countless times I cried myself to sleep. The recklessness that was our relationship. I decide it's time for me to leave again. I look around before I go and I feel such love and hate for this house. The line between love and hate is thinner than I thought. I want that thing back, the person who was kind and loving and touched me in the most beautiful way.

In the next breath I don't.

I walk out of the house closing the door behind me, making sure not to touch anything just in case she decides to stop by. Because in my mind one of these days I still hope that she will stop by and IF she does I don't want her knowing that I was there. I don't want her knowing on days like today I stopped by our old cottage. I don't want her knowing I can still smell her scent, and I don't want her knowing I still cry. As I walk back into the woods away from our home I long for the day when I stop visiting that cottage. I long for the day when something tears it down.   

I guess I just want to hear her say she misses me or that she hates me, anything is better than the deafening silence I hear now.

I know I'm not going to get any closure but on days like today I wish that wasn't true. On days like today, I would like to know what I meant to her, I would like to know if she misses me and even if the answers to those questions are both "Nothing." and "No". I'd take that over not knowing.

I don't know how I ended up being so sad today. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day and thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

[SlowlySurely]

It's been 1 year and 4 months with no contact and today I'm so sad.

I've been trying to explain this sadness to myself and this is what I came up with.

In my mind we had a cottage in the woods. We always wanted something secluded where we could grow our own vegetables and get away from city life. When I decided it would be no contact I imagined her showing up to our cottage. My things missing, signs of our life together either destroyed or former shells of themselves. I imagine her leaving maybe sad, maybe not. I haven't returned since only walking by watching our home deteriorate. 

Until today I'm walking in the woods, it's a gorgeous day and the air is crisp and clean and suddenly I remember that our home was here. I walk towards it . What once was a cute little cabin is now worn and covered in moss. There is ivy growing on the side, the wood is rotting the windows are dusted and dirty. The path leading up to our home is now covered with dirt and leaves.

In a moment of what could be labeled weakness, I decide to walk in. I take a deep breath and everything still smells the same. Everything is exactly the same as it was the day I decided to leave. I search hopeful that something has moved, a sign that she has been in the house recently, perhaps she was looking for a sign that I was there. Perhaps something that would let me know that she would be looking for something to remember me by. My heart sinks when I realize that the only person that has been in the last year and 4 months is me. I look around and see all of the good times we shared. I can see us dancing in the shadows, I can hear us laughing and talking. I can feel all the good times we had.

Just like that a breeze blows and I remember the arguments we had by the fireplace, the time she broke my heart by sneaking another person in via the backdoor. The countless times I cried myself to sleep. The recklessness that was our relationship. I decide it's time for me to leave again. I look around before I go and I feel such love and hate for this house. The line between love and hate is thinner than I thought. I want that thing back, the person who was kind and loving and touched me in the most beautiful way.

In the next breath I don't.

I walk out of the house closing the door behind me, making sure not to touch anything just in case she decides to stop by. Because in my mind one of these days I still hope that she will stop by and IF she does I don't want her knowing that I was there. I don't want her knowing on days like today I stopped by our old cottage. I don't want her knowing I can still smell her scent, and I don't want her knowing I still cry. As I walk back into the woods away from our home I long for the day when I stop visiting that cottage. I long for the day when something tears it down.   

I guess I just want to hear her say she misses me or that she hates me, anything is better than the deafening silence I hear now.

I know I'm not going to get any closure but on days like today I wish that wasn't true. On days like today, I would like to know what I meant to her, I would like to know if she misses me and even if the answers to those questions are both "Nothing." and "No". I'd take that over not knowing.

I don't know how I ended up being so sad today. Maybe tomorrow will be a better day and thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

[focus]

We all have days like this. With time these days get fewer and more time will pass between.

Thanks for sharing.

[Mutt]

I want that thing back, the person who was kind and loving and touched me in the most beautiful way.

Hi SlowlySurely,



That's so happy and incredibly sad and wonderfully articulated. I can relate with you, I knew nothing about personality disorders and I had no idea that she may be mentally ill.  

For years I was waiting for the woman that I had met to come back, even when things were falling apart, I had hopes that she would return.

Where did she go?

For several years, I wanted her to return to a permanent idealization phase.

Is that what you want back?

[SlowlySurely]

I want that thing back, the person who was kind and loving and touched me in the most beautiful way.

Hi SlowlySurely,



That's so happy and incredibly sad and wonderfully articulated. I can relate with you, I knew nothing about personality disorders and I had no idea that she may be mentally ill.  

For years I was waiting for the woman that I had met to come back, even when things were falling apart, I had hopes that she would return.

Where did she go?

For several years, I wanted her to return to a permanent idealization phase.

Is that what you want back?

I want the woman that comforted me when my grandfather died. The woman that held me when I was in pain when my grandmother was sick. The woman that taught me lullabies from her country when I couldn't get to sleep. I love and miss her so deeply. The woman that I left,  that woman would turn on me at the drop of a hat and would act like my very pain was disgusting to her and seemed to do everything in her power to hurt me. That woman I don't miss at all.

I understand that's who she is but it just hurts so much.

[Mutt]

Hi SlowlySurely,

I completely understand how much that hurts. It helps to let go of the hopes that the person will return to a permanent idealization phase, I think that a lot of what you are describing is the good stuff. I think that it also helps to balance that and remember all of the bad stuff too?

Here's an article. I hope that it helps.

5) Belief that things will return to "the way they used to be"

BPD mood swings and past break-up / make-up cycles may have you conditioned to think that, even after a bad period, that you can return idealization stage (that you cherish) and the “dream come true” (that your partner holds dear), this is not realistic thinking.

Idealization built on “dream come true” fairytale beliefs is not the hallmark of relationship maturity and stability - it is the hallmark of a very fragile, unstable relationship.

[Mel1968]

Thanks for that link, Mutt. So much of it resonated with me, made me laugh ruefully  and cry in frustration, but was just what I needed to read today.