BPD DIL and Aspergers Son

[Jane29]

Hi--This is my first post, though I have been reading advice from this site for a few years.  I apologize for the length... .there is, of course, so much more.  I have two BPD family members (sister and DIL), but I am currently struggling most with the relationship (or lack of it) with my DIL and my son.  There are two grandchildren involved, one of whom DH and I have never met.

     Although our son and his wife live about a half hour away, I haven't seen them for over a year at a family memorial.  I am not sure what precipitated this distance as DIL has been alternately "friendly" and hostile throughout their 4 year marriage.  Our son has Asperger's and is fairly socially handicapped, but he holds a well-paying job in the tech industry.  DIL is several years older than son.  Within 3 months after their meeting she was pregnant and we tried to be as supportive as we could be, financially and emotionally.  They chose not to marry right away, waiting instead to elope right before our daughter's wedding.

    Throughout the years, contact with them has often resulted in total upheaval.  I can't ever tell what's coming around the corner.  DIL comes from a chaos-filled family (several men in the house, sexual abuse, mom with psychiatric issues) and "has been through a lot of therapy".  I have tried to cut her some slack.  Son is very young acting and appearing for his age.  He is now in his mid 30s and she is in her 40s.

    After lots of triangulation attempts (singling out my husband for attention and affection, calling my MIL (whom she had met once and who lives out of town) multiple times to complain about me, as well as cornering my daughter's fiancé in the garage during her birthday party to complain about me and bad mouth my daughter), we had a "family meeting".  It was called by DIL at our house.  Fine.  I was determined not to play games.  It turned into a series of accusations ("you made us go on an all expense paid vacation with you"!  "You didn't help us enough when we moved to a nearby apartment!"  I was struck dumb.  And then I probably got too heated.  She has a very loud voice and it was hard to be heard.  I told her that if she continued to raise her voice to me I would ask her to leave.

    My daughter had previously asked son to be in her wedding.  He and DIL called a few days ahead to cancel for the rehearsal and dinner afterward.  I asked him to reconsider, as practicing at the rehearsal would be good and they would see our close relatives that he had grown up with, at the dinner.  He said they would be over the day of the wedding and he still planned to participate.  In the middle of the rehearsal dinner, he called and said that GD was sick and they wouldn't be coming to the wedding at all.  He and DIL and GD made a point of meeting my MIL without the rest of us the morning after the wedding.

   In the last two years they have refused invitations to holidays.  I asked them to an alternative Christmas in January as they were out of town with DIL's relatives for Thanksgiving and Christmas.  We left our tree and decorations up and we tried to make it low key (she thinks I'm "too formal" but at the last minute they cancelled.  We had wrapped presents for them and for GD waiting so I asked my husband to take them up to them.  I was hurt and decided to stay home, but he ended up spending the afternoon with them.

   I have tried to communicate with son (DIL previously asked that I do not text or email him during the work day and I would never call him at work).  I asked him why he doesn't want contact.  He replied that I had hurt his daughter by not delivering the Christmas presents. We left it that he would contact us when he is ready. DIL has called me once--to complain about son.  I ended up telling her I would not take sides, and to talk to her therapist about it. There is obviously more going on than Christmas. 

    I asked DIL when she called why she and son don't want contact.  She said she couldn't talk about it.  I said (as I have before) that the doors are open and they are welcome whenever they decide.  No contact since, except for a couple of newborn pictures of new GS sent to DH's phone.

     I have to admit that sometimes it is a relief.  Son is difficult but always loved his family and loved the get togethers.  DIL is so inappropriate and sometimes combative when she's visiting that my other two sons don't want to be around her and said they will boycott holidays if need be.

     However, I think about my son daily and miss him.  I miss my grandchildren (even the one I haven't met) too.  Have any of you had experience with an Asperger's child married to someone who wants him to sever ties with his family?  I don't know what to do except just wait... .and I'm afraid I might wait forever.

[Kwamina]

Hi Jane29

Thanks for introducing yourself after lurking for a few years.

Dealing with multiple BPD family-members can by quite challenging. You have a sister with BPD but currently your main problem is the situation with your son and your BPD DIL.

I am sorry you now have so little contact with your son and your grandkids, one of them you unfortunately haven't even met yet.

Your son is an adult and of course responsible for his own decisions, but the fact that he has Asperger's might make him particularly vulnerable to pressure from people. We have an article here about fear, obligation and guilt (FOF) that I think you might find interesting:

... .fear, obligation or guilt ("FOG" are the transactional dynamics at play between the controller and the person being controlled.  Understanding these dynamics are useful to anyone trying to extricate themselves from the controlling behavior by another person and deal with their own compulsions to do things that are uncomfortable, undesirable, burdensome, or self-sacrificing for others.

Would you say your DIL uses fear, obligation and/or guilt to try and control your son?

You can read the entire article here:

Fear, Obligation And Guilt: How We Allow Loved Ones To Control Us

You mention your son being fairly socially handicapped. Would you say that he has a history of letting himself be controlled by other people?

Your son does have a good job in the tech industry. How is his relationship with his co-workers?

Welcome to our online community

PS. Don't worry about it, your post wasn't that long at all