Was your replacement "better"

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

i don't know who my replacement is. I already know it doesn't work out for them. She is not capable of a stable relationship. That helps me deal with it. I know that she will end up with someone I mean she is attractive and smart. But once that "perfect" guy figures her out, she will have moved on to the next one.

[toddinrochester]

i don't know who my replacement is. I already know it doesn't work out for them. She is not capable of a stable relationship. That helps me deal with it. I know that she will end up with someone I mean she is attractive and smart. But once that "perfect" guy figures her out, she will have moved on to the next one.

[parisian]

I know it should not bother me and we are over done she has moved on its been a year I guess I just feel like its unfair (yes I realise how childish i sound)  this year has been the worst of my life in so many ways and there she is jetting off to different countries , financially stable , good looking bf , new friends etc etc

Dobes it is hard and painful when we think they are moving on to an 'awesome' new partner / new life, and we feel stuck trying to pick up the pieces of our heart and lives. On one hand, if we loved them, we can hold hope in our hearts that they go on to have a happy life. For those BPD not in therapy however, the chance of a happy life that is financially stable with 'amazing new friends' is limited (and unlikely). Their disorder does not allow for happiness the way we experience it.

Do you have some things in your life that are important to you, and that make you happy that you are focusing on? Go make your life equally amazing dude!

[dobie]

I know it should not bother me and we are over done she has moved on its been a year I guess I just feel like its unfair (yes I realise how childish i sound)  this year has been the worst of my life in so many ways and there she is jetting off to different countries , financially stable , good looking bf , new friends etc etc

Dobes it is hard and painful when we think they are moving on to an 'awesome' new partner / new life, and we feel stuck trying to pick up the pieces of our heart and lives. On one hand, if we loved them, we can hold hope in our hearts that they go on to have a happy life. For those BPD not in therapy however, the chance of a happy life that is financially stable with 'amazing new friends' is limited (and unlikely). Their disorder does not allow for happiness the way we experience it.

Do you have some things in your life that are important to you, and that make you happy that you are focusing on? Go make your life equally amazing dude!

She is very frugal and highly educated six figures plus salary minimum so she is a high functioning typel law degree professional exec to one of the world's biggest banks .

Yes the best advice is to live well I've been in therapy for a year found out a lot about myself i.e my own dysfunctional behaviours my borderline cNPD traits my inablity to be vulnerable or engage fully in an intimate way  etc

But my life's still in pieces still in therapy , up to my eyes in debt (thanks a lot to her screwing me over) lost a lot of friends who have moved far away got married had kids etc

Dated lots of women but all ended in pieces

Got a professinal job that hangs by a thread long hours lots of stress ...

And I'm a carer to my disabled father

Turned 38 and thought by now I would be married , kids stable financial situation but its the opposite of that .

Everyone has thier karmic debt to pay I guess I take comfort in that I'm paying for my "sins" I suppose .

Not everyone gets thier happy ending life's not fair part of maturing is realising that but we just have to be grateful for what we do have instead of what we don't or lose but its hard esp when the person who deserves to be miserable for her behaviours is "living it up" .

[parisian]

Yes the best advice is to live well I've been in therapy for a year found out a lot about myself i.e my own dysfunctional behaviours my borderline cNPD traits my inablity to be vulnerable or engage fully in an intimate way  etc

But my life's still in pieces still in therapy , up to my eyes in debt (thanks a lot to her screwing me over) lost a lot of friends who have moved far away got married had kids etc

Not everyone gets thier happy ending life's not fair part of maturing is realising that but we just have to be grateful for what we do have instead of what we don't or lose but its hard esp when the person who deserves to be miserable for her behaviours is "living it up" .

Great you are in therapy and learning about what you can do better next time.

It's easy to feel like they deserve to be miserable after what they did to us. Especially when it looks like she is 'living it up'. I would say whilst the outwards stuff might look like she is having the time of her life, having to deal with BPD internally is pretty terrible punishment. I watched a couple of vids on Youtube made by people with BPD about what they experience emotionally, and it was heartwrenching stuff. If she experiences any of that then I would say life is not so great for her despite how it may look.

I am sorry to hear things are so hard for you at the moment. Hopefully you can find a way forward with your job and financial situation. It will be tough but you got through a relationship with someone with BPD, and you will get through this too. I hope that doesn't sound too lame.  If it is any consolation, over time you will hopefully work those things out but for her, BPD and misery will be with her for the rest of her life, despite how great it might look.

Stay strong x

[SummerStorm]

Instead of focusing on better/worse, it's probably healthier to focus on things like boundaries, self-esteem, reaction to borderline rages, views on intimacy, etc.

If your replacement has a lack of boundaries, is immature, cares more about sex than actual intimacy, doesn't do anything about verbal/physical abuse, and feels the need to rescue the pwBPD, then there's a chance that the relationship will last longer.  If your replacement has boundaries, is mature, desires true intimacy, and won't put up with being abused, then it probably won't last long. 

This is so true.

Another thing to remember is that your replacement could be a model / the world's wealthiest person / a saint / world's smartest, most interesting person, and it still would not be enough for someone with BPD. That is why people on here talk about being spent at the end of these relationships because we all have given our absolute everything at the expense of ourselves and our own boundaries/health/wellbeing, and it still is not enough and never will be. They are an endless black hole of emotional nothing and our replacements, like us, will be unable to fill it with their looks/wealth/special skills/whatever else is different to what we do/are/have. We are not replaced because of those characteristics - we are replaced simply because they cannot be alone. Sometimes we compare ourselves to our replacement and feel better or worse but in both cases, it is just difference and matters little to the person with BPD.

So true.  I was willing to buy a house for her, allow her to live rent-free until she got a full-time job, and take her to the Wizarding World of Harry Potter.  I got discarded instead.

Her ex-boyfriend was willing to leave his job/friends/family and move with her 3,000 miles away, to a state he'd never even been to, to live with her parents, whom he'd met once.  He got discarded instead.

Even if Hogwarts were real and I had revealed to her that I'm secretly a wizard (witch) and was planning on taking her to Hogsmeade for a vacation, it wouldn't have been enough. 

[Pretty Woman]

Is my ex's new girlfriend better? I wouldn't say better, I know my value. Are they more compatible? Maybe. Do I care? Not really.

Five months removed and my life by all accounts is better. I am writing a book, I've reconnected with friends and family... .made about six new friends.

I'm not on the boards as much anymore. I'm not obsessing. Do I feel bad sometimes? Sure. But it gets better... .you need to find yourself to get back on track.

While I'm not at the point of wishing my ex the best, after all her sister threatened to have me fired from a very, very prestigious job I'm at, I don't wish her bad either. Life is too short to invest time on hating someone who is ill. If anything I wish her good health and hopefully she will get the help she needs so her life can be as wonderful as mine is.

[Mutt]

Is my ex's new girlfriend better? I wouldn't say better, I know my value. Are they more compatible? Maybe. Do I care? Not really.

Five months removed and my life by all accounts is better. I am writing a book, I've reconnected with friends and family... .made about six new friends.

I'm not on the boards as much anymore. I'm not obsessing. Do I feel bad sometimes? Sure. But it gets better... .you need to find yourself to get back on track.

While I'm not at the point of wishing my ex the best, after all her sister threatened to have me fired from a very, very prestigious job I'm at, I don't wish her bad either. Life is too short to invest time on hating someone who is ill. If anything I wish her good health and hopefully she will get the help she needs so her life can be as wonderful as mine is.

[shatra]

Lunchbox wrote---

she said she felt inferior to me. She said it's because I have higher education, higher income, I'm more travelled and from a higher social background. God knows why but they were things causing her a lot of insecurity.

----This happened to me too.  The pwBPD  said he felt inferior to me for those same reasons... .and he feared I'd leave him one day since he wasn't "good enough". The replacement is way down on the social/income/job/ etc. ladder, so the pwBPD might feel "safer"  with someone lower down to their level.

[shatra]

dobie wrote---

My ex was BPD lite so I don't know if she can sustain a lasting ltr

--Can u explain what a BPD lite is? Also,  I find that many of them can't sustain a lasting close ltr

[dobie]

dobie wrote---

My ex was BPD lite so I don't know if she can sustain a lasting ltr

--Can u explain what a BPD lite is? Also,  I find that many of them can't sustain a lasting close ltr

She is undiagnosed more traits and overlap than someone with full blown BPD

So low eq , needy, clingy , weak sense of self , emotional immaturity , lack of trust , anxious attachment style , interpersonaly exploitative , emotion = facts , idealise / devalue , dysfunctional foo

[balletomane]

Lunchbox wrote---

she said she felt inferior to me. She said it's because I have higher education, higher income, I'm more travelled and from a higher social background. God knows why but they were things causing her a lot of insecurity.

----This happened to me too.  The pwBPD  said he felt inferior to me for those same reasons... .and he feared I'd leave him one day since he wasn't "good enough". The replacement is way down on the social/income/job/ etc. ladder, so the pwBPD might feel "safer"  with someone lower down to their level.

My ex also felt inferior to me, but he managed to devalue me at the same time - in fact, sometimes he used my supposed 'superiority' over him to devalue me. He regularly used to tell me that I couldn't understand how hard his life was, because I am good-looking and I have no idea how viciously the world treats ugly people. He would argue that socially I was privileged by my looks. Once I made some remark that showed lack of knowledge on a particular topic, and after he'd finished laughing over my ignorance, he said, "It's a good thing you're pretty, so it doesn't matter that you say stuff like that." He used to make me feel really stupid and as though I had no worthwhile knowledge.

[shatra]

dobie wrote---

She is undiagnosed more traits and overlap than someone with full blown BPD

So low eq , needy, clingy , weak sense of self , emotional immaturity , lack of trust , anxious attachment style

======Thanks for clarifying... .what is "more traits and overlap"  does that mean she has some of the traits, what are they overlapping with-another disorder?

--------Low eq does that mean low "emotional intelligence"?

-======Anxious attachment style----so she was clingy and wanted to attach, but was anxious about it and didn't trust the attachment would last?

Just trying to understand more---thanks!

[hopealways]

Part of the DSM IV criteria for BPD is a "pattern" of unstable relationships. Which means that regardless of whether the replacement is "better", they will be discarded sooner or later or the relationship will be rocky.  So be happy that you are free! Rejoice! It doesn't matter if they are better, they can never have a loving and harmonious relationship, otherwise they wouldn't be BPD.

[problemsolver]

Hmmm interesting thread I hope people don't get overly caught up in who their ex may date... but to answer the thread the current person she seems to be idolizing is an acquaintance of mine... Were the same height , same hair style ,same skin tone ... He could basically pass as my brother... We also share alot of the same hobbies (sports etc etc) is this a odd that she is idolizing a guy just like me? I dunno... I can't confirm any replacements though ... But if she chose him from a shallow stand point it would be  "equal" I suppose we look really similar.

[dobie]

dobie wrote---

She is undiagnosed more traits and overlap than someone with full blown BPD

So low eq , needy, clingy , weak sense of self , emotional immaturity , lack of trust , anxious attachment style

======Thanks for clarifying... .what is "more traits and overlap"  does that mean she has some of the traits, what are they overlapping with-another disorder?

--------Low eq does that mean low "emotional intelligence"?

-======Anxious attachment style----so she was clingy and wanted to attach, but was anxious about it and didn't trust the attachment would last?

Just trying to understand more---thanks!

Hey sorry for the late reply  


The cluster b disorders are spectrum disorders so people tend to exhibit the traits or behaviours on a spectrum . while I'm no psychiatrist so can't diagnose my exfiance looking as objectively at her as I can knowing what I know about her and BPD I would say she is high on the spectrum without being diagnosable .

People can be comorbid so you can have someone with BPD who is also NPD or a NPD who is co morbid with aspd

Yes she was distrusting had a hard problem seeing in shades of grey etc , used people mainly bfs to fill needs rather than as a want to be with that person

She was is an emotionally immature woman of 30 as I've grown and matured through therapy over the last year I can see now how in many ways she was a child

I don't need a diagnosis to know she was not healthy or " right for me" as I address my issues I realise this more and more and I don't want a r/s with an emotional infant the thought of it makes me feel  

I could never have had real or mature intimacy with a person with the emotional eq of a three year old .

As we do the work on us we realise how much we were missing out on in these dysfunctional relationships .

[shatra]

Problemsolver wrote

she seems to be idolizing is an acquaintance of mine... Were the same height , same hair style ,same skin tone ... He could basically pass as my brother... We also share alot of the same hobbies (sports etc etc) is this a odd that she is idolizing a guy just like me?

-------Almost sounds like a "clone" or a twin for you... .she doesn't have to feel the loss as strongly if she is with a twin of yours

-------Or does she like your "type" (hairsyle, skin tone etc.) ?

[problemsolver]

Problemsolver wrote

she seems to be idolizing is an acquaintance of mine... Were the same height , same hair style ,same skin tone ... He could basically pass as my brother... We also share alot of the same hobbies (sports etc etc) is this a odd that she is idolizing a guy just like me?

-------Almost sounds like a "clone" or a twin for you... .she doesn't have to feel the loss as strongly if she is with a twin of yours

-------Or does she like your "type" (hairsyle, skin tone etc.) ?

Her last/first "love" boyfriend was a larger set man... I'm a tall athletic build. . We both play the same sport,  in the same position , we have the same beard style, same hair cut ... were the same height , same skin tone, same extracurricular job... . I really don't know. It's kind of odd... .but she told me she didn't want anything to do with "me" so I don't really wanna ask her why she's seeked out a doppelganger

Does she want to live the life we had vicariously through him... I don't know ... one could literally go insane trying to understand the mind of someone with BPD

[Creativum]

Better?  Nope.  Available?  Yep.  Mine would replace a 22-year old triathlete with a heart of gold, with a 60-year old curmudgeon with erectile dysfunction.  When you're starving, even you will eat out of the trash.

[andintothefire]

She certainly talked about how good looking he was (saw pictures and don't quite see it... .) but he is definitely taller. If he were obviously better looking than me I think it would bother me. For the most part I feel genuinely bad that he doesn't know that she has already lied to him. I usually can't find a reason to be angry with him because he has no idea of the whole truth... .

[Freeatlast_1]

This is a very silly question. How do you guys know who replaced you? I've been NC x 2 months now and I blocked her from FB. I have NO IDEA who she's with... .and I plan not to wonder or ask. If shared friends ever bring her up, I will shift the conversation immediately, because I choose not to know.

[Turkish]

This is a very silly question. How do you guys know who replaced you? I've been NC x 2 months now and I blocked her from FB. I have NO IDEA who she's with... .and I plan not to wonder or ask. If shared friends ever bring her up, I will shift the conversation immediately, because I choose not to know.

It can be better for our detachment not to know. Unless our ex's are 90 year olds, there is a long life ahead of them. Really, there are long lives ahead of us. It's very hard in the initial stages of what may be grief, but we have our lives to lead, too. Where is yours going, apart from hers?

[Freeatlast_1]

Turkish... .my life has been stable, I am a successful MD so I am thankful for my lifestyle... .but since the breakup it has been tough, not career wise or socially, as I have a lot of friends. It has been tough on me emotionally, a constant sickness in my stomach, an ache in my chest, just feelings that I try hard to repress/suppress, with occasional success but when alone, I feel it all. I hate to say that since the breakup I do miss her tremendously, and as dysfunctional as the relationship was, I love her. With that said, it hurts more than imaginable because I cannot hate her, paint her black, or get angry at her. I blame her parents for abusing her as they are the reason she is who she is now. When I dug deep, she is an awesome person but she became dysfunctional very often. So in short, my life apart from hers is fine, except when I think of her, then it SUCKS! and I think of her often.

[Turkish]

I also in a way blame my  Ex's parents (for not being kind or proper to her). However,.she is a grown woman, and independent enity (as my T said), and responsible for her choices. That is, she's free to determine her life's choices, no matter what I think or feel. It shouldn't have shocked me, but it did. She had every right to do whatever foolish things (in my view) that she did as an independent entity. Cliché as it may be, "if you love someone, set them free." Letting them go, we often  have no choice. Letting ourselves go can be so much harder.

[andintothefire]

This is a very silly question. How do you guys know who replaced you? I've been NC x 2 months now and I blocked her from FB. I have NO IDEA who she's with... .and I plan not to wonder or ask. If shared friends ever bring her up, I will shift the conversation immediately, because I choose not to know.

I knew because there was something starting to go on while she and I were still involved physically. Don't know much else about him other than what she's told me.

[EaglesJuju]

This thread has reached its post limit, and is now closed. This is a worthwhile topic, and you are free to start a new thread to continue the conversation. Thanks for your understanding... .