My Ex's affair partner wants to apologize to me

[bing]

It's been 9 months since the breakup, I'm doing awesome and have moved on. I move in the same social circles as my ex and her AP, who may or may not still be involved (thanks no contact, it's nice not knowing what they've been up to). It's been rough but I've done a lot of work and have gotten to a pretty good place and have build better relationships with old and new friends.

I received a text from her AP recently, asking if I'd be willing to meet for a face-to-face so he could apologize. I'm leaning toward ignoring since I'm not really sure what good would come of any conversation, and also not interested in rehashing old hurts or getting involved in their process if it's genuine. Still, part of me is curious-why now?

Curious if any others have had this experience and, what people's perspectives are. Seems like weird behavior.

[Schermarhorn]

I'm doing awesome and have moved on.

It seems like nothing can be accomplished from being dragged back into her world.

[Mutt]

Hi bing,

I received a text from her AP recently, asking if I'd be willing to meet for a face-to-face so he could apologize. I'm leaning toward ignoring since I'm not really sure what good would come of any conversation, and also not interested in rehashing old hurts or getting involved in their process if it's genuine. Still, part of me is curious-why now?

You're rebuilding your life, you have moved on, I think ignoring is a wise choice if it feels right for you. Maybe he has feelings of guilt that he wants to soothe, he had an affair with your ex? We're not responsible for someone else's feelings. You could also talk to him face to face to get your answer?

[ForeverDad]

With this being your only post, we don't have much information to go on.  Apparently the affair was a major factor in your breakup, right?  If it had already ended then there would be nothing to apologize for, I would imagine.

Do you think ignoring him would result in more attempts at contact?  Do you think you could politely respond, "I appreciate your intentions but I have Moved On from my prior relationship and I would prefer to focus on my future rather than discuss the past."

Maybe he's looking for Closure and feels he needs to unburden himself?  However, around here, having been unable to reason with our ex-relationship partners and never get anything close to closure from them, we've come to realize that we generally have to Gift ourselves Closure.  Maybe he ought to do similarly, you could tell him you're okay if he gifts himself a measure of closure.

What are your thoughts?

[bing]

I'll try to keep it brief. 2 year r/s, classic idealize/devalue/discard, she began an r/s with a married guy around the time we were shopping for a house together. She did almost the exact same thing with her previous ltr. Me: codependent, lost my sense of self. Silent treatments, rages, told me about the affair on my birthday. R/S wasn't about how she felt about me, but what I was and wasn't doing for her. Told a few people in our group what happened, so word got out that they were a thing for a while and that it was a factor in our breakup. I suspect this 'apology' would be more of an explanation/defense and an attempt at image management, which I don't really care to be a part of.

[Mutt]

bing,

Did the text trigger old emotional wounds?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi bing,

Welcome to BPD Family.

It's great to see that you have done so well in moving on from your ex and from what must have been a painful experience for you.

As to your ex's AP wanting to meet up to apologise, I can't see why that would be necessary unless this person is wanting something for themselves. I may be cynical, but my bet is that your ex has dumped her AP (who heard all sorts of things about you and is now doubting their validity) and this person is now in great pain and is rather hoping for comfort from you.

If I were you (but I'm not), I'd stay well away unless you are happy to have old wounds re-opened. I would just thank this person for their apology and move on.

Lifewriter

[bing]

bing,

Did the text trigger old emotional wounds?

It definitely brought back some anger, but didn't trigger anything super intense. The fact that this person broke the silence to put out a feeler vs just saying what they wanted to say gives me the feeling that their intentions have nothing to do with me. I doubt that I'd be able to remain calm and objective if any sore of communication turned to rationalizing or normalizing what had happened between them. All the more reason to just ignore, I guess.

[Mutt]

bing,

Do you think ignoring him would result in more attempts at contact?  :)o you think you could politely respond, "I appreciate your intentions but I have Moved On from my prior relationship and I would prefer to focus on my future rather than discuss the past."

Maybe he's looking for Closure and feels he needs to unburden himself?  However, around here, having been unable to reason with our ex-relationship partners and never get anything close to closure from them, we've come to realize that we generally have to Gift ourselves Closure.  Maybe he ought to do similarly, you could tell him you're okay if he gifts himself a measure of closure.

What are your thoughts?

I agree with Foreverdad and Lifewriter, if you don't respond he may try to get in touch with you again. I would feel the same way with how I wouldn't want to explain or justify because of their compartmentalizing or rationalizing. You also have the option to say things once, let your words stand and put this behind you.

[Mr Hollande]

Like Lifewriter said, maybe he's been dumped or is going through devaluation hell and in an attempt to try and make sense of it all he's reaching out to you for some background info.

If there's no animosity towards him then I'd reply with a polite thanks but no thanks. But if you don't feel comfortable with it then don't do it. You don't owe him (or her) anything.

[myself]

If this was apologizing for an accident, fine. An affair isn't accidental.

I agree it sounds like it's about making it better for him, not you.

No obligation to respond. Block the number, let it go, keep moving on.

[DreamGirl]

I was contacted by my husband's affair partner -- it wasn't really to apologize though. Actually it was more to not apologize. So, perhaps it's not "weird" to reach out, maybe it's normal for someone to feel like they need to say something. I'm just not sure.  

I didn't respond at all. Mainly because I just didn't have anything to say. Do you have anything to say?

It was really, really upsetting to me. I still hold a lot of anger.  

[pallavirajsinghani]

I agree with my fellow posters and with your own assessment:

He is framing this meeting in the context of a priest-penitent (Forgive me for I have sinned... .) or a Counselor-Patient (I hurt... .heal me... listen to me unburden myself... .take my pain away by listening to me... .) or a Parent - Child (Comfort me... .I am ashamed... .I made a boo boo).

He needs to seek his own peace and his own answers.

This is a triangulation from a different angle of the triangle.

Seek your own healing and let him seek his.

You are out of this triangle now... .