This is really horrible.

[disgustipated]

I found this website looking for BPD resources, but basically what I see is a picture of a villan. Calling them crazy, they can't be helped etc. Then questions of should I leave them.

Well, do it or don't. But people with BPD CAN be helped, and saying they can't is a death sentence. Imagine someone with BPD reading this forum and the responses of how crazy they are, it's just terrible.

If you think they are nuts, stay away from them. If not, don't. But don't do this. It's cruel.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

hi disgustipated,

welcome to bpdfamily.

I think you are 100% correct.  People with BPD can be helped.  My partner has been.   And continues to be.  I am glad to be with her.   And I am glad to have a place to share some of the challenges unique to my relationship.

Would you like to tell us more about what type of BPD resources you are looking for?

'ducks

[mitti]

I found this website looking for BPD resources, but basically what I see is a picture of a villan. Calling them crazy, they can't be helped etc. Then questions of should I leave them.

Well, do it or don't. But people with BPD CAN be helped, and saying they can't is a death sentence. Imagine someone with BPD reading this forum and the responses of how crazy they are, it's just terrible.

If you think they are nuts, stay away from them. If not, don't. But don't do this. It's cruel.

Hi disgustipated and welcome 

I totally agree with you that of course they can be helped. And sometimes the rhetorics on the forums are harsh. My SO (currently ex though) has made huge breakthroughs in lots of areas in his life. He is a person like all of us and I am struggling with my issues, just as he is struggling with his. I think a lot of people here that have experienced lots of hurt in their r/s, process some of that pain in how they express anger at the people with BPD in their lives.

[disgustipated]

My daughter has BPD. She is a loving young lady. These experiences I'm reading aren't absolute. In fact, I see a lot of manipulation coming from the nons.

If you don't want to deal with a person with BPD I completely understand. But I cannot feel sympathy for people who give ultimatums and trash their loved ones online.

Imagine if you had an illness and when you googled it you read tons of hateful messages, jokes and malicious rhetoric.

8% of people with BPD commit suicide. Please, don't contribute to their already overwhelming self hatred.

[babyducks]

I am sure your daughter is a lovely young lady.   And it sounds like you have worked to educate yourself on BPD.  That's an excellent thing to have done.

Here is a suggestion for you to consider.   You might be more comfortable and find messages more suited to your particular situation on this part of the website:

Click on this link:

[L5] Parenting a Son or Daughter Suffering from BPD

'ducks

[lbjnltx]

Hi disgustipated,

My daughter, now 19 also suffers with BPD.  She has made great strides and is also a lovely young woman with much to offer.  

This site is designed to help the loved ones of people who suffer with BPD and help them learn, heal, and cope to improve their relationships and become a better source of support for their loved one while taking care of themselves.

Is this the kind of support you are looking for? If so, the link babyducks gave you is to the board where parents meet and support one another.  If you are seeking a support group or online information for sufferers of BPD we can post these resources for you as well.

lbjnltx

[C.Stein]

I agree this site can cast people with BPD in a very negative light.  

I believe this is because much of what you see on this forum is the worst case scenario from people who have been on the receiving end of that worst case.  It is a site geared more for people who live with and/or deal with those who suffer from this condition, which also means you will find more of those people here.  Understandably there is much emotion and pain being expressed here, but if you can wade your way through all that, there is some good information and insight to be gleaned for both parties involved.

In my journey to better understand BPD I have tried to look at both sides of the coin in order to get a balanced perspective.   I recently lost the love of my life, whom I now believe may suffer from BPD.   It was extremely difficult and painful for me during our relationship, and while I could and maybe should be angry, all I seem able to feel is a deep love and compassion for her.   She is a beautiful person who has many great qualities with feelings and emotions just like everyone else.  These qualities unfortunately are overshadowed by the BPD which eventually destroyed our relationship.  This however doesn't mean she is evil or deserves to be excommunicated from society.

Having a better understanding of BPD I now understand how difficult it is for her to just exist.  I have a better understanding of her pain now even though I am having a hard time seeing anything clearly as I am drowning in my own.  

I do believe there is hope though for those who can take an honest look within themselves and dedicate themselves towards positive change.  This applies to both people in the relationship, not just the one with BPD.

This is one thread that has some very insightful information into the relationship between someone who suffers from BPD and one who has some codependency traits.   I could identify with it on some levels.  It is worth a read.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284908.0

[unicorn2014]

My daughter has BPD. She is a loving young lady. These experiences I'm reading aren't absolute. In fact, I see a lot of manipulation coming from the nons.

If you don't want to deal with a person with BPD I completely understand. But I cannot feel sympathy for people who give ultimatums and trash their loved ones online.

Imagine if you had an illness and when you googled it you read tons of hateful messages, jokes and malicious rhetoric.

8% of people with BPD commit suicide. Please, don't contribute to their already overwhelming self hatred.

I understand what you are saying   and I have found some of the posts harsh myself, however post of those posts come from the undecided or leaving boards. That means those posts are made by people who are either undecided about their romantic relationship or are leaving it, some of them not by choice. As a couple of others suggested there is a board for people who are parenting a son or daughter with BPD. Your daughter is lucky  she has you as an advocate. Not every person with BPD or BPD traits is so fortunate. It is possible some of the people that the non are dealing with have not been parented correctly and that is why they are acting out so much. Thank you for having such a compassionate   approach to your daughter and to people with BPD and BPD traits in general.

[Notwendy]

BPD is heartbreaking in the sense of how it can affect the most intimate relationships- the people who love them, and hope to be loved by them. What is posted here is the experience of being in that kind of relationship, from the point of view of the non.

Many have not been able to resolve the conflict in their relationships, and so, come here expressing that pain and frustration in a situation that feels safe for them to do so. Although people with BPD can read this site, it isn't recommended for them, as it may be triggering and hurtful. However, I don't believe that most posters are here intending to hurt their partners or family members, but to find support and help for their own pain.

One of the first steps to dealing with that, honestly and truthfully is to admit it. The honest truth is that, yes, growing up as a child of someone with BPD, repeating the relationship issues in my marriage felt really horrible, and out of those feelings was the motivation for growth and change. It is through that change that I was able to build a relationship with my mother which included compassion and understanding. But first, I had to come to terms with my own feelings.

This growth occurs in steps, but it isn't entirely linear. I think the first step is to feel hopeless, and a victim of someone who seems to be a villain, but growth requires we don't stay in that place for the whole time. How long one stays there can be variable and so can the situation for the person with BPD. Like many conditions, the potential for change can vary, and also be affected by the potential for change in the non. However, I think that one can have hope that it is possible and at least take steps to work at their own emotional growth.

You are correct in your feeling that many people who are in a relationship with someone with BPD are in some ways contributing to the dysfunctional relationship. Some may actually be enabling it in ways. In addition, family dysfunction can be intergenerational.

We need to consider that the potential for growth and change lies with our own emotional growth. There is much information on this board that can help with that, as well as a community of people who are somewhere on that ( never ending ) path to growth. I hope you will find this helpful to your family.