I couldn't really bring myself to write here yesterday after court.
Oddly enough, he was early to court arriving at the exact moment as me and my sister. He was with his friend who is a state trooper. So kudos for him being a half hour early. He is never ever early, and usually 20 minutes late for anything. None of his family was there- which makes me believe that he didn't tell any of his family. I am sure they don't even know.
I saw him walking into the courthouse and waited a distance away. I lost it... .my sister hugged me. He looked horrible. He wasn't in a suit- just a button down shirt and dress pants. He hadn't gotten a hair cut or trimmed his beard. He looked horrible - which is kind of a good thing because if he had looked amazing, I would have probably had a harder time.
After he went in the building, I followed in a minute or two later so he would get thru security. I requested a Sheriff escort and he escorted my sister and I into the courtroom. We sat there, fortunately my ex was out in the hallway... .so we didn't have to sit there staring at each other.
Once my lawyer got there, she took the PFA (Protection from Abuse) order to my ex to see if he would agree. I asked for the maximum 3 year term. He wouldn't agree without his lawyer there. When his lawyer arrived I realized it was one of our mutual friends. He has lots of money, so I knew he would lawyer up. He had not one lawyer but two. Once all of his lawyers were there, we went back and forth.
I agreed to an 18 month term of his no contact, harassment, stalking, etc. In addition, he has to relinquish his firearms and ammunition for the duration of the court order. He got a shorter term, but he also didn't have to admit or be judged on the accusation of abuse. So, he saves face. So it is a court order without admission.
After the fact, I am regretting all of it. In the moment, my lawyer said it was everything I wanted except for a shorter duration. I realize now that it wasn't everything I wanted. Yes I want him to leave me a lone and this accomplishes that. It also removes his weapons, which I wanted. But it is not long enough at all. I would absolutely put money that this extra special crazy person will absolutely be contacting me on April 27, 2017, if he doesn't violate the court order before then. I can renew it automatically if he breaks it, or if he hurts someone else who goes to the police and court for a PFA. But 18 months is not nearly long enough. I know him inside and out. He will wait like a spider for the day he can pounce on me and wrap me in his demented web again.
I am also really regretting that he basically gets out of this without being judged for the abuse. I had a strong case. I should have testified and held him accountable for the abuse.
So, we came to agreement. My lawyer had him sign the papers directly in front of me. Having him so close was a mind f*ck. I was so jumbled up inside. I didn't want to be near him, but at the same time, I wanted to hug him and tell him I miss him. It was so confusing inside. I was so confused. A jumble of emotions. I loved that jerk more than anything in the world.
So, I spent most of my time not looking at him... .and he spent most of his time not looking at me. My friend who was with me spent a lot of time looking at him and said he looked like a dog with his tail between his legs. he should be.
Our friend that is his lawyer representing him said hello to me as secretly as he could. that was really sweet of him.
We had to go before the judge. My voice cracked when I spoke. He had to pay all of the court fees.
small victory.
Afterward I had a sheriff escort me to my car, which was helpful. As we left town, he was walking down the road with his friend and the lawyer friend and they were all laughing and smiling. So glad this was so much fun for him.
I spent the entire evening crying my eyes out. I had a friend distract me for the afternoon making her halloween costume. It was so annoying but in retrospect the distraction was what I needed. I worked out at the gym and that brought all of my emotions out of me. I cried my eyes out all the way home where I proceeded to drink {a lot} of tequila and sat in my ikea chair and cried my eyes out so hard for at least 4 hours until I went to bed. I have never had anything hurt so badly... .never ever. It hurts so deep down to my core. I want to curl up and die. Today I look like hell. My eyes are all puffy and practically closed up.
I just keep taking super big breaths and sighs. I can't believe how much this hurts and I wasn't even married to the guy... .and I have been divorced previously and not even that hurt this badly.
I loved that a*hole.
