Court hearing on PFA after chocking incident

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

It has been a long time in coming... .3 years really... .but i am about to face my dBPDxbf in court. I was granted a temporary restaining order 2 weeks ago, and now i must testify in front of him, my family, strangers, etc., to make the temporary order permanent against him... .my former best friend and lover. I am fre,aking out inside. A small part of me cant wait to see him. Most of me doesn't want to see him. I am scared to death. I cant wait for this to be over. I am dreading this. I know he will rip me apart on the stand.

I am such a jumbled mess on the inside

Please pray for me or keep me in your thoughts today.



Continuation:

Physically attacked in Vegas

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284408.0

[cloudten]

It has been a long time in coming... .3 years really... .but i am about to face my dBPDxbf in court. I was granted a temporary restaining order 2 weeks ago, and now i must testify in front of him, my family, strangers, etc., to make the temporary order permanent against him... .my former best friend and lover. I am fre,aking out inside. A small part of me cant wait to see him. Most of me doesn't want to see him. I am scared to death. I cant wait for this to be over. I am dreading this. I know he will rip me apart on the stand.

I am such a jumbled mess on the inside

Please pray for me or keep me in your thoughts today.



Continuation:

Physically attacked in Vegas

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=284408.0

[Lifewriter16]

I'll be praying for you Cloudten. 

Your ex may try to rip you apart, but he won't succeed. He will probably succeed in showing himself up though. You are a strong woman and you will come through this experience even stronger. Breathe deeply when you feel anxious. Know that God is with you, sustaining you and holding you by the hand.

Love Lifewriter

x

[Sunfl0wer]

I'll be thinking of you cloudten.

Sending you warm, strong supportive thoughts!

Let us know how things go!

[Herodias]

Best of luck! You never know, mine would just sit there and be polite and take it... .Like a kid that had been bad. He would be angry at me later... .And never forget. That's ok, you can't treat people like that. Be strong!

[Mutt]

I'm sorry it's a tough day  We'll be here if you want to talk about court. Good luck.

[cloudten]

I couldn't really bring myself to write here yesterday after court.

Oddly enough, he was early to court arriving at the exact moment as me and my sister. He was with his friend who is a state trooper. So kudos for him being a half hour early. He is never ever early, and usually 20 minutes late for anything.  None of his family was there- which makes me believe that he didn't tell any of his family. I am sure they don't even know.

I saw him walking into the courthouse and waited a distance away. I lost it... .my sister hugged me. He looked horrible. He wasn't in a suit- just a button down shirt and dress pants. He hadn't gotten a hair cut or trimmed his beard. He looked horrible - which is kind of a good thing because if he had looked amazing, I would have probably had a harder time.

After he went in the building, I followed in a minute or two later so he would get thru security. I requested a Sheriff escort and he escorted my sister and I into the courtroom. We sat there, fortunately my ex was out in the hallway... .so we didn't have to sit there staring at each other.

Once my lawyer got there, she took the PFA (Protection from Abuse) order to my ex to see if he would agree. I asked for the maximum 3 year term. He wouldn't agree without his lawyer there.  When his lawyer arrived I realized it was one of our mutual friends. He has lots of money, so I knew he would lawyer up. He had not one lawyer but two. Once all of his lawyers were there, we went back and forth.

I agreed to an 18 month term of his no contact, harassment, stalking, etc. In addition, he has to relinquish his firearms and ammunition for the duration of the court order.  He got a shorter term, but he also didn't have to admit or be judged on the accusation of abuse. So, he saves face. So it is a court order without admission.

After the fact, I am regretting all of it. In the moment, my lawyer said it was everything I wanted except for a shorter duration. I realize now that it wasn't everything I wanted. Yes I want him to leave me a lone and this accomplishes that. It also removes his weapons, which I wanted. But it is not long enough at all. I would absolutely put money that this extra special crazy person will absolutely be contacting me on April 27, 2017, if he doesn't violate the court order before then.  I can renew it automatically if he breaks it, or if he hurts someone else who goes to the police and court for a PFA. But 18 months is not nearly long enough. I know him inside and out. He will wait like a spider for the day he can pounce on me and wrap me in his demented web again.

I am also really regretting that he basically gets out of this without being judged for the abuse. I had a strong case. I should have testified and held him accountable for the abuse.

So, we came to agreement. My lawyer had him sign the papers directly in front of me. Having him so close was a mind f*ck. I was so jumbled up inside. I didn't want to be near him, but at the same time, I wanted to hug him and tell him I miss him. It was so confusing inside. I was so confused. A jumble of emotions. I loved that jerk more than anything in the world.

So, I spent most of my time not looking at him... .and he spent most of his time not looking at me. My friend who was with me spent a lot of time looking at him and said he looked like a dog with his tail between his legs. he should be.

Our friend that is his lawyer representing him said hello to me as secretly as he could. that was really sweet of him.

We had to go before the judge. My voice cracked when I spoke. He had to pay all of the court fees.   small victory.

Afterward I had a sheriff escort me to my car, which was helpful. As we left town, he was walking down the road with his friend and the lawyer friend and they were all laughing and smiling. So glad this was so much fun for him. 

I spent the entire evening crying my eyes out. I had a friend distract me for the afternoon making her halloween costume. It was so annoying but in retrospect the distraction was what I needed. I worked out at the gym and that brought all of my emotions out of me. I cried my eyes out all the way home where I proceeded to drink {a lot} of tequila and sat in my ikea chair and cried my eyes out so hard for at least 4 hours until I went to bed. I have never had anything hurt so badly... .never ever. It hurts so deep down to my core. I want to curl up and die. Today I look like hell. My eyes are all puffy and practically closed up.

I just keep taking super big breaths and sighs. I can't believe how much this hurts and I wasn't even married to the guy... .and I have been divorced previously and not even that hurt this badly.

I loved that a*hole.

[cloudten]

So- I know its over. I know its the end.

I know I "won", but I don't feel like I won.

[Mutt]

Hi cloudten,

I bet that there were a lot of feelings building up before your court date and how everything is emotionally exhausting.  

You got through it. Do you feel relief?

[Lifewriter16]

Hi Cloudten,

I'm not surprised to hear that this wave of grief hit you massively after the court case. You've probably been keeping going on adrenalin fueled by fear and now you know the outcome, your body can let go. You may not have got everything you wanted, but you were saved the trauma of testimony and that may well have been a blessing in disguise. By the time the order runs its term, I suspect you will be well out of his grip emotionally because you will have grown and healed and moved on.

Cry whenever you need to. The pain feels awful now, I know. It probably feels too much to bear. It probably feels like it will never go away. But, I can tell you that it will gradually get better. You'll have good days and bad days. To begin with, every day may be a bad day, but then you'll start getting good days interspersed. Gradually the balance will shift, until finally, you will feel a true sense of relief. You can and will get over this. And we're here to support you through the process. The lost hopes, the regrets... .post here and let us share the burden of your pain, as others have done for us.

Well done. You are a strong and courageous woman.

Love Lifewriter

[cloudten]

I feel relieved from an immediate safety aspect.

I have jumbled feelings everywhere else. I still can't believe it came to this. Part of me loves him. I hurt for him because I know this hurt him. I hurt for me. I hurt for my daughter. I just hurt so badly and deeply everywhere.

Part of me feels like this isn't going to go away in 18 months. He will be sitting and waiting. So I don't feel like this is over... .i just have a respite.

[Mutt]

cloudten,

Part of me feels like this isn't going to go away in 18 months.

One day at a time.

What do you do for self-care?

[cloudten]

I'm in therapy (last week I got yelled at by my T, so I have a negative taste in my mouth about it now. I have been going for 18 months... .hard to believe its been 18 months... .. see time goes by so fast!). I sort of shut down emotionally when I get yelled at anymore. I know I made mistakes dating this guy and I know my T has been against him all along... .but I didn't really need to be yelled at.

I am going to be going to a support group for domestic violence victims. I would like to start going to a codependency group.

I am going to the gym again. it sort of helps. I am going to start filling my schedule with some other things to keep me busy... .I am thinking about taking up boxing... .and I have a marine friend who is going to teach me how to be a sharp shooter... .haha.

[Mutt]

I agree, you don't need to be yelled at. Good for you you're interested in joining support groups, and you're taking care of yourself with exercising and seeing friends. Self-care can be a lot of different things and I was thinking about something relaxing like going for a massage, taking a bath, meditation   I agree with LifeWriter16, you've been through a lot.

[Sadly]

Very very proud of you CT and you should be so proud of yourself. All those plans, you are amazing, well done.

[hollycat]

Have you thought about moving? Starting a new, or semi-new life?

[Skip]

Have you thought about moving? Starting a new, or semi-new life?

Are you lives heavily intertwined (friends, gyms, church, employment) or are you relatively independent.  How much separation can you create?

[cloudten]

Well, I am divorced from a non who is the father of my child. She keeps me tied to the area. We agreed to co-parent and remain geographically close for her. It works extremely well. I love my job. I don't really see being anywhere else.  I wouldn't mind moving into a different home, but I am not in the right place financially to do so right now. I am not sure I have enough equity built up. But, I wouldn't be opposed to moving before the restraining order is up. I have some time to plan... .so I should talk to my realtor and develop a plan.

I have been thinking about changing my name. I don't think it would do anything to keep him from finding me- but I think it would help me feel like me again. After my divorce from the non, I didn't go back to my maiden name for the sake of having the same last name as my daughter. But I am starting to think that doesn't matter anymore. She has a good little sense of self.  But possibly going back to my maiden name might be an emotional change for me. It's a lot to think about.

If I moved to a different home in the same city, changed my last name, and continue cultivating my friendships- it could feel like a new life.

[Skip]

This is all new and the intensity "should" die down in time.

I might focus on shorter term solutions (while this is new and raw in both yours and his minds)... .

~ like locking the house up for a month and staying with family or friends... .

~ like getting your license plates changed and parking the car in a different place at work... .

~ like not logging on or posting on Facebook for a month.

If he monitors your accounts, there will be nothing.  If he drives by, there will be nothing.  He he cruises the work parking lot, nothing.

It's important to give him nothing. Do give him a sale sign in the yard, or a closed facebook account - give him nothingness.

[cloudten]

Oh i like that. Give him nothingness.

[Mutt]

Oh i like that. Give him nothingness.

"Silence is a source of great strength" - Lao Tzu