Big big blowout just happened. Techniques worked?

[walbsy7]

Hey everyone, 1am here. Somehow all of my uBPDw blowouts seem to come when I am real tired, she is tired, and I have work in the am... .haha. Yep I got work in 4 hours and I am posting here. This happens probably once a week, a big midnight blowout. This time it is because I am not emotionally there, because I don't keep my word. Because someone in my family didn't wish our son happy birthday on the day of his birthday, but sent over a hundred dollars in gifts 2 days earlier for it. We are arguing how I do not stick up and defend her ever. We're talking about divorce, which is a funny topic. Real ironic topic. I always tell her your stuck with me. I want to help her, support her, be there for her. I have not been perfect in my past, but of course that makes me a demon from hell. I got a knife pulled on me twice tonight. Saw things break in my apartment. Watched my 1yr son wake up crying due to my wife's voice for 2 hours. I validated her emotions well I feel. I diverted the blowout several times tonight and I feel good about that. I set boundaries and walked away and said I will talk to you when you calm down, which worked for a few minutes a couple times which made me feel good. She will not let me hold her, calm her down, anything. She hates me, and I am sure part of her does. But I know the true her loves me and knows I can take care of her. So let's get back to the divorce topic.  I do not want a divorce. At all. If she decides to get 1 ounce of help or admit to 1 ounce of fault in her actions I will never divorce her. But she is stubborn as hell, and all she says is let me go when I am young. Don't torchure me, let me find my soulmate who can give me what I need. So I am playing with that idea with her, saying ok you actually do all the work to get he papers and I will sign it, because I know she will not do that. She hates driving, it gets her anxious. She does not have the whereabouts to actually accomplish that task, so if she really wants a divorce like she is saying then I feel that is a suitable response. I always preface saying I don't want a divorce and reiterate that multiple times but logic does not always work in these situations.

I have been reading and reading since I joined about a week ago. I have been active on the forms and appreciate the great advice I have gotten here.  I have come to the conclusion that if she doesn't get an ounce of help, than divorce is the best option because as previously mentioned asides from this post, my relationship is toxic because of her BPD. I have plenty I can/need/want to change that can help, but she doesn't see my progress ever and does not want to hear me say I will change because I said that a hundred times and you know where that goes. This whole thing, our relationship, has to come to a head soon. I was 2 seconds to calling end to take her for psychiatric care in the er tonight, and she calmed down. That was a boundary I set and I am happy for sticking up for myself. I feel the need sooner than later telling her she needs to get help of some sort or realize she is part of the problem or I will not return and will leave her. I want this to be on the staying board because I want to stay, but at the same time I am stuck in mud. I think the BPD reaction will be to accept help to some level because abandonment will set in, but I also thin it will be a temp patch and she will revert back because it is not coming from her. She doesn't want it

Thoughts?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[babyducks]

Hi walbsy,

Physical harm is a serious concern and should be treated carefully.   There is a link on every page here called safety first.   It's worth a read.  You might never need all the information in it but in a crisis it's helpful to be prepared.

How to take a time out

when an argument starts to escalate,  we have options.   it's helpful to think them through while not in the middle of the heated exchange.   we usually can pretty much predict how the argument is going to develop.   for me the most important thing was to decide for myself where my limits were.   not where her limits were.  how much was I going to participate in.  what I found to be true for me, what worked for me, was I needed to take care of myself first, I wasn't responsible for my partners emotions.  I decided to leave arguments early on.   I had the option of doing that.   Just physically getting up and walking out.   my partner hated it.  I would tell her "I don't want to fight with you, it's not good for us to argue like this.  I will be back in ... .and pick an amount of time, we can talk then."   

remember safety first.    working the tools is an important step, still safety should come first.

keep reading.   keep posting.   keep working the lessons.

'ducks

[Notwendy]

Although you are concerned that your wife needs help, I will also encourage you to seek out a T. In your other posts, you mentioned being cut off from family, for fear of her response. Being isolated is lack of a support system, for you, for your child, for your relationship.

You mention she is threatening divorce, but you know these episodes are usually cyclic, and that she is likely to back down on that. Even in the event that is did happen, the two of you share a child and will always be in some kind of relationship with each other. Personal T can help you with both your marriage as well as relating to your wife in any kind of relationship.

While you are hesitant to call authorities in the event of the threat of physical harm, this may be the step it takes to get her help. Regardless, a situation like this is difficult and complicated and so, you can take steps to get professional help for you.

[Chilibean13]

I'm sorry you had a rough evening. Like you, I'm new to this board. Not sure if you have started the lessons yet or not, but I have been reading through each one a little at a time and working through those steps, especially when I feel frustrated. It helps a lot.

If not I highly suggest starting there. https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.0

I'm learning that if I want my relationship to work that I have to work on me. Most importantly though, please make sure you are safe.

[dacoming]

Wow, is there a BPD script or something?  My wife and I argue about the exact same thing, even down to the birthday calls from MY family.  She always tries to paint my family in a bad light, starts conversations up out the blue about how mean and bad they are, looking for me to validate.  I am exhausted from hearing it!  Then if I don't, it's a big argument and accusations of me loving them more than her and the kids.  She also works the midnight shift for arguments.  Even when the disagreement was hours earlier, she gives the silent treatment until I lay down to go to sleep; then she goes for a couple hours or more.  She knows I have to go to work but she doesn't work. 

The lessons have helped me quite a bit and I try harder not to engage.  This makes her just as mad if not madder but makes me feel better... .

[walbsy7]

The lessons have helped me quite a bit and I try harder not to engage.  This makes her just as mad if not madder but makes me feel better... .

This is so counter intuitive for me. I feel like if she is better and not raging, then the world is at peace. Me not engaging makes her so mad, I do feel better, but life is not necessarily better.

But then again when I do engage I get myself all wound up then I feel like crap and we are still arguing, so I guess it is best not to engage hahaa.

[dacoming]

The lessons have helped me quite a bit and I try harder not to engage.  This makes her just as mad if not madder but makes me feel better... .

This is so counter intuitive for me. I feel like if she is better and not raging, then the world is at peace. Me not engaging makes her so mad, I do feel better, but life is not necessarily better.

But then again when I do engage I get myself all wound up then I feel like crap and we are still arguing, so I guess it is best not to engage hahaa.

See what I mean... .!  I feel the same way you feel but she gets me so worked up when I engage and just turns it around on me.  So I'm left infuriated.  Usually when I engage, that makes her go on longer... .unless I'm validating everything she says which I find hard to do.  I try to validate the true part, to which she counters that I always try to sugarcoat everything I do and don't "man up" to my behaviors.  She then counters that if I have to be embarrassed to admit my behaviors, that means I shouldn't do it.  She makes my temperature boil because the "behaviors" she accuses me of are far from the truth.