Suicidal behaviour during rages - BPD? I've never shared this before

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hey guys,

Most of us here don't even know for sure if our partners are BPD or not, and we can make certain assumptions on the basis of their behaviour and what we know of the illness.

I came across this board when my ex and I first broke up, because his behaviour just didn't make sense to me, and when I read about BPD so many pennies dropped at once - it was quite scary.

One thing that keeps coming to mind is something he did every so often during one of his rages. His rages were scary and bizarre. I never quite knew what would trigger him; we'd be having what I would think was a minor disagreement about something, and he'd just launch into a full-blown rage. He'd scream and shout in a way that made me feel he was 'possessed.' I'm not quite sure how else to explain it - it was like it wasn't him. He'd act deranged.

He'd rage. Sometimes he'd push me onto the bed with force, or grab me by the arm with all his force. He'd scream right in my face to intimidate me, while I'd keep my calm and not say a word, but even that would anger him further. I couldn't win. And once, he slapped me. This is the first time I've ever spoken about it; I feel so ashamed. Only one other person knows. I always said that I'd leave him if he ever did that, but he of course begged and pleaded with me to stay, and said he'd get help. It never happened again, but who knows if it would have or not had we continued with our relationship. I'm sure it was just the beginning.

The scariest thing he'd do every so often while raging was to grab a belt and tighten it fully around his neck and continue to tighten it while I looked on petrified. I'd then have to run over to him and undo it. It was scary and I'm not quite sure why I never told anyone about it or forced him to get help. I look back and wonder what on earth was I thinking.

The only explanation I can come up with apart from my codependency issues is the fact that when things were good, they were lovely. He was seemingly the nicest guy I had ever met and everything I wanted from a partner. I guess I was in denial, and thinking of his rages as the 'other' part of him - the part of him that was still deeply hurt by his childhood. It really was like living with Jekyll and Hyde.

I'm not quite sure why I'm sharing this but it feels cathartic to get it out in the open. My family now know about his rages, but they have no idea that he slapped me. I can't bring myself to tell them that. They know about the belt incidences now, though, and they're in disbelief because they obviously never saw that side of him. They're extremely happy that I'm no longer with him (and so am I - finally).

The worst part? When I ended it, he told me that his rages were due to the fact he felt frustrated in the relationship. Sigh.

Hopeful

[Hopeful83]

Hey guys,

Most of us here don't even know for sure if our partners are BPD or not, and we can make certain assumptions on the basis of their behaviour and what we know of the illness.

I came across this board when my ex and I first broke up, because his behaviour just didn't make sense to me, and when I read about BPD so many pennies dropped at once - it was quite scary.

One thing that keeps coming to mind is something he did every so often during one of his rages. His rages were scary and bizarre. I never quite knew what would trigger him; we'd be having what I would think was a minor disagreement about something, and he'd just launch into a full-blown rage. He'd scream and shout in a way that made me feel he was 'possessed.' I'm not quite sure how else to explain it - it was like it wasn't him. He'd act deranged.

He'd rage. Sometimes he'd push me onto the bed with force, or grab me by the arm with all his force. He'd scream right in my face to intimidate me, while I'd keep my calm and not say a word, but even that would anger him further. I couldn't win. And once, he slapped me. This is the first time I've ever spoken about it; I feel so ashamed. Only one other person knows. I always said that I'd leave him if he ever did that, but he of course begged and pleaded with me to stay, and said he'd get help. It never happened again, but who knows if it would have or not had we continued with our relationship. I'm sure it was just the beginning.

The scariest thing he'd do every so often while raging was to grab a belt and tighten it fully around his neck and continue to tighten it while I looked on petrified. I'd then have to run over to him and undo it. It was scary and I'm not quite sure why I never told anyone about it or forced him to get help. I look back and wonder what on earth was I thinking.

The only explanation I can come up with apart from my codependency issues is the fact that when things were good, they were lovely. He was seemingly the nicest guy I had ever met and everything I wanted from a partner. I guess I was in denial, and thinking of his rages as the 'other' part of him - the part of him that was still deeply hurt by his childhood. It really was like living with Jekyll and Hyde.

I'm not quite sure why I'm sharing this but it feels cathartic to get it out in the open. My family now know about his rages, but they have no idea that he slapped me. I can't bring myself to tell them that. They know about the belt incidences now, though, and they're in disbelief because they obviously never saw that side of him. They're extremely happy that I'm no longer with him (and so am I - finally).

The worst part? When I ended it, he told me that his rages were due to the fact he felt frustrated in the relationship. Sigh.

Hopeful

[Lucky Jim]

Hey Hopeful83,

     I admire your courage in talking about such a painful memory.  It helps, I think, to bring these dark times out into the light and air, where they lose their power.  The description of your Ex's behavior is quite familiar to me.  My BPDxW had such intense rage that she sometimes lost touch with reality and entered a disassociated, fugue-like state.  Afterwards, she had little or no memory of what had happened.  I should add that this usually happened when she had been drinking heavily.  Like you Ex, she also threatened to kill herself at least 15 times and held a knife at her throat or a razor blade at her wrist, or held pills that she planned to overdose on.  It was all drama and crying wolf, yet was incredibly stressful.  Eventually it wore me out until I had nothing left in the tank, at which point I had no choice but to leave.

LuckyJim

[cloudten]

 

Hopeful---- your story sounds like mine. Mine once did the belt thing while we were fighting. He would scream inches from my face. Sometimes we would be having an amazing time cooking or at a party and it would blow up out of no where... .which is what happened the time a few weeks ago that ended it all.

I am sure you are confused and hurting... .it makes sense that you should feel those things.

I am so so sorry for what you have been through. It is domestic abuse... .no doubt about it.

I have only recently really accepted that what I went through was abuse. I am actually going to a support group now.  But the biggest thing that has helped me and kept me from going back was being absolutely honest with my parents and my sister. I let my sister read my detailed narrative that was given to the police and was my testimony in court. They have held me completely accountable. My friends didn't hold me accountable like my parents have... .my friends just wanted me to be happy... .and I was "happy" when i was with Mr. Angry. I haven't let my parents read my narrative yet, but I probably should. Not only does it help me from a support aspect, but they better understand where I have been, what I have been through, and have become one hundred times more sensitive and understanding. It has really helped.

In retrospect, going to the police was completely eye opening. I realized in the police department as I played my voicemails, showed them pictures of my injuries, and told my story (I made one younger police officer cry)... .I realized he was a monster and needed to be held accountable... .if not for me, for the next girls. Someone needed to know on paper, somewhere, that this guy is crazy.  My police department wants to get this guy... .... .so bad. It has made me feel good. Unfortunately he doesn't live within their jurisdiction.

If you need to protect yourself legally, I strongly encourage you to do so. I was very very hesitant... People told me on here not to do it for months and months... .but I finally did it yesterday. Some of the weight has been lifted. If he confronts me anywhere in the town we live in, he goes to jail for 6 months.

I encourage you to tell your parents more when you can, if you can. I also encourage you to join a support group or therapy... .I know one of the things I intend on doing is going to a codependency group at some point. Be easy on yourself. Be strong. Don't go back. Being brave means walking away and staying away. Walking away isn't cowardly... .you are a hero... .you are saving yourself.

[Hopeful83]

Thank you both for sharing your experiences. It really does help to be able to be so open and honest about what has happened to me.

I have only recently really accepted that what I went through was abuse. I am actually going to a support group now.  But the biggest thing that has helped me and kept me from going back was being absolutely honest with my parents and my sister. I let my sister read my detailed narrative that was given to the police and was my testimony in court. They have held me completely accountable. My friends didn't hold me accountable like my parents have... .my friends just wanted me to be happy... .and I was "happy" when i was with Mr. Angry. I haven't let my parents read my narrative yet, but I probably should. Not only does it help me from a support aspect, but they better understand where I have been, what I have been through, and have become one hundred times more sensitive and understanding. It has really helped.

In retrospect, going to the police was completely eye opening. I realized in the police department as I played my voicemails, showed them pictures of my injuries, and told my story (I made one younger police officer cry)... .I realized he was a monster and needed to be held accountable... .if not for me, for the next girls. Someone needed to know on paper, somewhere, that this guy is crazy.  My police department wants to get this guy... .... .so bad. It has made me feel good. Unfortunately he doesn't live within their jurisdiction.

If you need to protect yourself legally, I strongly encourage you to do so. I was very very hesitant... People told me on here not to do it for months and months... .but I finally did it yesterday. Some of the weight has been lifted. If he confronts me anywhere in the town we live in, he goes to jail for 6 months.

I encourage you to tell your parents more when you can, if you can. I also encourage you to join a support group or therapy... .I know one of the things I intend on doing is going to a codependency group at some point. Be easy on yourself. Be strong. Don't go back. Being brave means walking away and staying away. Walking away isn't cowardly... .you are a hero... .you are saving yourself.

Thanks Cloudten. Sounds like our experiences were very similar. Good for you for reporting the issue. I'm no longer in the same country as him or I'd consider it. He's already engaged to someone else (within two months of us splitting), so the next victim is already lined up. She made a beeline for him while he was still with me, and she thinks she has some golden prize now - she's in for a nasty shock when he unleashes the crazy.

I'm having a low day today. I'm feeling downtrodden and miserable, but I'm journalling about it and reading good books to keep my spirits high. This is a long road to recovery; one I'm thankful to be on, but when I have moments like this I wish that I could fast-forward to a year's time when I'll hopefully be over this whole ordeal.

To have endured that abuse for three years and survived is remarkable, but I fear that I'm only just allowing myself to 'feel' it now and that this can of worms is one that's going to carry on giving for a while.

It really was like living with two people. I suppressed so many arguments, horrible exchanges and rages from him because I wanted to be with him - had I allowed myself to dwell on them, I would have had to walk away. Now I wonder what I was thinking; there was me sticking by him in the hope he'd get the help he also admitted that he needed, and then he just walks away from me like I was nothing.

Well, one thing is for sure: never again.

Hopeful.

[Lucky Jim]

Well, one thing is for sure: never again.

Like how you put that, Hopeful!  LJ

[JohnLove]

He is possessed... .by the BPD disorder. It rules him and his behaviour. There is no other explanation for me. The triggers can be invisible to us because there is so much disorder going on all inside his head. People suffering from BPD can dissociate and lose touch with reality. It is scary. Deranged is an accurate observation.

Physical abuse like you describe is never acceptable. It is boundary busting at best and a deal breaker at worst.

The belt around his neck thing is a form of self harm, and to gain a reaction from you. The BPD whisperer    might suggest he needed you to rescue him and that is how he recieved love from you. It is so terribly disordered.  :'(

I am glad to hear you have very supportive family. They so obviously love you and want the best for you.

I am sure he felt very frustrated in the relationship. pwBPD often can't handle or cope with intimacy very well. All of the behaviour was him. You can't split a person even if they are not whole. You got close enough during the good times for him to show you who he really was.

Glad to hear you're progressing further now that you have had distance and no contact. The FOG is lifting. We are all learning and this relationship was as a learning experience for you. You have only yourself to focus on now (with your support network). You will become stronger for this experience as indicated already by your closing comment.

[SummerStorm]

My former friend BPD's second suicide attempt came after raging at and getting physically violent with her ex-boyfriend.  She swallowed pills and was taken to the ER.  During rages, she would also dissociate and completely forget a few minutes later what she had done.  Scary, scary stuff. 

[MSNYC]

Hopeful, thank you for sharing this brave story.

I have one of my own that I haven't shared with anyone (even though I have told my friends and loved ones about his BPD rages and mood swings and splitting). Basically once, he had sex with me even after I said I didn't want to. Then when he realized he was doing it against my will, he got really quiet and drank a bunch of bourbon and then started yelling at me "YOU MADE ME DO THAT! You ALWAYS MAKE ME DO THAT AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE ___!" He felt really really terrible, and this was several months before he really started to unravel, so it was an isolated incident.

It's really hard partly because this side of them is so different than the side we know and love, and because we recognize it as so sick and unstable we feel this urge to care-take or fix it or stick it out (the way you would if it were, say, a broken leg).

I know I myself am a pretty strong, opinionated, no-one-pushes-me-around woman, so this thing was especially shameful and confusing when it happened.

[SummerStorm]

It's really hard partly because this side of them is so different than the side we know and love.

So true.  One of my earliest memories of my former friend BPD is when I got my hair cut last fall and she walked by me in the hallway a day or two later and shyly looked at me and said, "Hey, I wanted to tell you the other day that I really like your hair."  One of my favorite memories is when she came into my classroom one day and basically sneak attack hugged me. 

I try to focus on the good things, while also reminding myself that the bad things are very, very bad.   

[Freeatlast_1]

Sounds very familiar, my exe's rages were horrific!. They were triggered by something so stupid and small, and she would yell and scream "I want to go kill myself","I want to drive this car into the wall", and she would blame me for all her actions and behavior of course. She had 2 prior suicide attempts, and she was hospitalized. She usually gets those rages whenever she drinks, and she drinks a lot when she's out. She's also compulsive gambler, so it's hard for her to save $ and Stabilize her Life. It is like a vicious cycle. Despite all that, I just wish there's a way to guarantee her recovery from BPD, but I know she'll not agree on treatment. I just have to move on with my life and try to forget about her. I'm not sure if I feel like crap because I feel so bad for her, or because I miss her so much, or because I love and want to be with her. I'm not sure exactly how I feel, Because when I was with her, I wasn't happy. But now that I am without her, I want to hold her. I am not crazy, this is just how I feel and I know it's not right.

[Hopeful83]

Thank you for sharing your stories everyone 

It does help to get them out in the open, and I definitely need to share what happened to me with those whom I love.

I guess the thing that makes me feel ashamed is that I'm such a feminist and pride myself in being a strong, independent woman, and yet I still stayed with a man who was abusive for three years - only for him to walk away from me and get engaged to someone else within two months.

I never want a partner like him again. The rages were horrendous, truly. To think I was planning on marrying this man. It just makes me feel deeply sad now that I was building something on such shaky foundations. I put all my heart and energy into something that was destined to fall apart. And now I'm in my thirties, single again, wanting to have a family and wondering if it will ever happen for me.

Apologies of the woe is me post. I'm having a low day. Got an email from a client who isn't happy with something, and really feeling it. I guess all I can do is carry on moving forward.

[Lucky Jim]

The rages were horrendous, truly. To think I was planning on marrying this man. It just makes me feel deeply sad now that I was building something on such shaky foundations. I put all my heart and energy into something that was destined to fall apart.

Hey Hopeful, Right, in most cases, a r/s with a pwBPD is not built to last.  Like you, I learned that the hard way.  Now comes the healing, which starts with figuring out why you got in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  You are a "strong, independent woman," as you note, yet like most of us, you stayed with a person who was abusive for three years.  Be grateful that's behind you now.  I have my own theories about why I was attracted to, and stayed with, my BPDxW, yet the important thing, I think, is to self-reflect and come up with your own reasons, which will enable you to avoid this scenario in the future.

LuckyJim

[Hopeful83]

Hey Hopeful, Right, in most cases, a r/s with a pwBPD is not built to last.  Like you, I learned that the hard way.  Now comes the healing, which starts with figuring out why you got in a r/s with a pwBPD in the first place.  You are a "strong, independent woman," as you note, yet like most of us, you stayed with a person who was abusive for three years.  Be grateful that's behind you now.  I have my own theories about why I was attracted to, and stayed with, my BPDxW, yet the important thing, I think, is to self-reflect and come up with your own reasons, which will enable you to avoid this scenario in the future.

LuckyJim

Hey LuckyJim,

Absolutely. I now realise that my mum has strong BPD traits - this relationship with my ex was familiar to me. It was like living with my mum again. One minute rages, the next minute "I love you so much, I'm so sorry." I cannot believe I didn't realise it at the time. Now it makes so much sense. At least I can hopefully deal with all this past stuff and move forward as a more healthy and emotionally mature person.

I realised that I spent all my teens plotting my escape from home because it was so unbearable. I found my retreat in books - I studied hard so that I could go away to a good university. I managed it. I then moved countries thinking that it would help me. Fast forward a decade and I get into my first serious relationship (with exBPD) and find myself in the same scenario I'd tried so hard to get away with in the past. Amazing isn't it?

I cannot do this to myself anymore.

Hopeful

[C.Stein]

Despite all that, I just wish there's a way to guarantee her recovery from BPD, but I know she'll not agree on treatment. I just have to move on with my life and try to forget about her. I'm not sure if I feel like crap because I feel so bad for her, or because I miss her so much, or because I love and want to be with her. I'm not sure exactly how I feel, Because when I was with her, I wasn't happy. But now that I am without her, I want to hold her. I am not crazy, this is just how I feel and I know it's not right.

You are not crazy ... .I feel the exact same way.  Funny how you can only seem to remember the good times and the things you love about her.  I have to force myself to think of the bad.

[sotiredtoonice]

   Thank you for sharing! It is crazy the stuff we put up with. My divorce was final in september and it almost seems like the past 10 years were a dream or something. Reading your post was exactly how I felt when my exH would rage, it would come out of nowhere and he was a different person. One night during a rage he went into the kitchen, emptied the silverware drawer, found a knife, and held it to his neck while he screamed at me. I was dumbfounded! I certainly wasnt going to try and take it from him you know? I mean its ludicrous the things they do, and most of the time they are upset over the stupidest, tiny, unimportant things.

    During our ending the marriage I tried to be rational and explain things, although I knew he wouldnt hear it, and I told him of how he acted when he was mad and he did something I never saw coming. First he of course swore it would never happen again if I would just give him another chance. Then when it did happen again, he used everything I had told him about his behavior against me. (typical of anytime I opened up to him) He held me down on our bed and got in my face, screamed at me, called me every name in the book, and when he was done he asked me if his eyes were the crazy eyes I had told him he had when he acted like that. I said yes. Then he sat next to me, very calm and collected, and showed me how he could morph himself into those crazy eyes whenever he wanted. It was then that i realized that after 10 years of being convinced he really didnt mean it, couldnt help it, I had been played.