Update

[Clark]

I first came to this site in 2008: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81554.0

And I did some reading and my SO and I talked and she got counseling. And she found a psychiatrist (the one that can prescribe meds) that said she didn't have BPD. So she acted like she didn't.

But the last year has been very rough. Her ex, my step daughters bio father, petitioned the court for full custody after us having full custody for 10 years. He got married and has two step children and that fueled that move. This has been very rough on my SO because her and her daughter have an extremely dependent relationship. They cannot live without each other. I am very much second fiddle. And for the most part, I've dealt with this. Because I love them both.

Daughter is now entering junior high and has shown some signs of independence, more than ever. I think its affecting my SO, along with this court matter she has really lashed out at me. Came to a head yesterday, her birthday, and it didn't go as I had hoped. I made some mistakes which added fuel to the fire and today she told me, via email, that she thinks we should take a break.

I'm pretty devastated at this and I'm not sure what to do. So I remembered this site and decided to seek help.

[RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING]

RELATIONSHIP PROBLEM SOLVING This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members are welcomed to express frustration but must seek constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[Daniell85]

Are you all living together?

What did she mean specifically by a "break"?


Sorry your situation is so rough. Child custody stuff can really hit the core of a person. I went through a 2 year custody battle for custody of my son when I divorced. I won. But it was horribly scary to me.

A lot of BPD fire from the hip when they are upset, smacking everything around them that is moving. What happens after she has a few days to calm down?

[Clark]

Yes, we live together, and until the last year or so, I'd say pretty happily married.

I asked what she meant by break last night, if she meant separate and she muttered she didn't really know. And I told her that I didn't agree. I acknowledged that she was very unhappy and she told me she has had a lot of "stuff" just below the surface that has gone unresolved. I was not 100% faithful (never anything physical) about five years ago and I think that is still simmering. I've messed up a lot, but I don't want to lose her or my step daughter and told her as much.

When she calms down, it's better but our relationship is never deep. It's very surface, "how was work?" "what did you do today?" etc.

A small part of me thought about saying yes just so I don't have all this stress and that scares the crap out of me.

[formflier]

 

If you aren't interested in a break... or the thought of it scares you. 

Don't discuss it. 

Or if you feel you need to say something... .you can say that you respect her feelings... .but don't feel the same way and you will be sad when she moves out.

Or something to that effect.

The key is to leave it in their court to take action to solve their discomfort... .vice griping and complaining to get you to do something that they think will solve their issues.

Might be a good time to spend some time on this site... .work on lessons... .work on yourself a bit.

What do you think?

FF

[Clark]

If you aren't interested in a break... or the thought of it scares you. 

Don't discuss it. 

Or if you feel you need to say something... .you can say that you respect her feelings... .but don't feel the same way and you will be sad when she moves out.

Or something to that effect.

The key is to leave it in their court to take action to solve their discomfort... .vice griping and complaining to get you to do something that they think will solve their issues.

Might be a good time to spend some time on this site... .work on lessons... .work on yourself a bit.

What do you think?

FF

I think everything you say makes perfect sense. I've been working on myself a bit, going through the videos/workshops on the site.

I did tell her I didn't think it was a good idea. She backed down pretty quick.

Back in the white right now. Daughter's biological father is a stressor right now and so I'm on the good side. Sure it will change back soon.

[formflier]

I did tell her I didn't think it was a good idea. She backed down pretty quick.

This can sometimes turn into a go to tool for them.  She wants a break... .you express that you don't want to (showing love) and it becomes a dysfunctional way of expressing affection... or asking for a show of affection on her part.

So... .the key is to not agree to it... .and to not be shocked and horrified by it.

Clearly put responsibility for the decision in their court and don't "discuss" it further.

Usually will die out pretty quick after that.

Glad you are soaking up some information.  Looking forward to more of your posts!

Blended families can take a lot of work...

FF

[Clark]

Blended families can take a lot of work...

FF

Yes, because its not just you, partner and child(ren). It's you, partner, child(ren), other former partner and possibly their partner and child(ren).

[an0ught]

I asked what she meant by break last night, if she meant separate and she muttered she didn't really know. And I told her that I didn't agree. I acknowledged that she was very unhappy and she told me she has had a lot of "stuff" just below the surface that has gone unresolved. I was not 100% faithful (never anything physical) about five years ago and I think that is still simmering. I've messed up a lot, but I don't want to lose her or my step daughter and told her as much.

That was half a decade ago. And while you feel bad about it you don't have to constantly beat yourself up. Would you forgive someone else what you did? Can you do that for yourself, maybe?

Don't forget - a pwBPD will take anything they find in the past to give their own feelings a voice. She feels bad and she knows how to ensure that you feel pain. It is a core BPD mechanism and the only way to protect yourself is not to fall for the game.

When she calms down, it's better but our relationship is never deep. It's very surface, "how was work?" "what did you do today?" etc.

What do you think is causing it on her side. And what on your side?

[formflier]

Don't forget - a pwBPD will take anything they find in the past to give their own feelings a voice. She feels bad and she knows how to ensure that you feel pain. It is a core BPD mechanism and the only way to protect yourself is not to fall for the game.

This is a BPD behavior that can be made better... .but is unlikely to ever go away... .especially when stressed.

Best to teach yourself to not react to the past coming back... .and let it slide.

If you have truly forgiven yourself... .you will be able to let it slide easier.

Example:  I had some PTSD issues years ago that affected my family.  I addressed them... .did treatment... .things are better. 

I owned my behavior to my family... .asked forgiveness... .and put it behind me.

My wife kept bringing it up in our current scheduling issue over kids...

Basic logic... .since you had PTSD years ago and had to apologize for it... .I should have my way now.

Then she lectured me about the 4 rules of communication... .1 of which is staying current.

I agreed that not talking about the past was helping in finding solutions... .but didn't "accuse" her of talking about the past.

Another logical ploy she used is that because you don't agree with me right now... .your PTSD must be back...

Again... I let it slide... .validated how hard it is to not have people agree with you... .and expressed my support for her.

I'll never know if her purpose was to bait me... .toss bad feelings at me... .honestly the "reason" doesn't matter.

What really matters is to not debate the past... .

If you have owned it... .don't own it again. 

FF

[Clark]

Thanks, that is a big help. I feel like sometimes that she needs to get past it. I've owned it, I've apologized in every way possible, we nearly got divorced over it in marriage counseling. But she can't seem to let go. And 99% of the time its fine, it never comes up. But then I upset her in some "major" way and it boils back up. I try to just ignore it but it's not easy, to be sure.

[formflier]

  I feel like sometimes that she needs to get past it.

Can you try on a new way of thinking... .

Why worry about if she gets past it or not?  Seriously... .why?

You've done your part... .move along.

That mindset will help you when it comes back up.  Trust me... .it will. 

FF

[Clark]

  I feel like sometimes that she needs to get past it.

Can you try on a new way of thinking... .

Why worry about if she gets past it or not?  Seriously... .why?

You've done your part... .move along.

That mindset will help you when it comes back up.  Trust me... .it will. 

FF

Because I want her trust. I want to know that she is accepting of me. Why be married to someone that doesn't trust me or accept my failures and realize after five years of honesty and commitment that I meant  it when I said it wouldn't happen again? That I meant it when I said I loved only her and accept her as she is.

[formflier]

Because I want her trust. I want to know that she is accepting of me. Why be married to someone that doesn't trust me or accept my failures and realize after five years of honesty and commitment that I meant  it when I said it wouldn't happen again? That I meant it when I said I loved only her and accept her as she is.

OK... .take a big deep breath... .exhale... .

This is going to take a big leap of faith... .but the best way to get what you want... .is to not care about getting it.

That is the paradox that bedevils nons that try to "convince" pwBPD to operate by their rules.

It just works completely different for them (pwBPD)

Think on that for a minute... .probably longer than a minute...

FF

[Clark]

Been thinking on it for almost a week. Tough to wrap head around.

I see where you are coming from. And most of the time, that is how I think. Though I think "operate by their rules" is a little harsh. I'm not holding a gun (literal or otherwise) to her head.

But there needs to be give and take in a relationship, on both sides, right? Does that happen ever?

[formflier]

Been thinking on it for almost a week. Tough to wrap head around.

I see where you are coming from. And most of the time, that is how I think. Though I think "operate by their rules" is a little harsh. I'm not holding a gun (literal or otherwise) to her head.

But there needs to be give and take in a relationship, on both sides, right? Does that happen ever?

Yes... .give and take is good.  But... .be prepared for them to change rules.  Act... .don't react.

Yes it does happen... .but planning for a situation where give and take is critical is not a good idea.

FF