Sexual toughts / fear & addiction

[tribalmart]

Hi,

Almost 2 weeks NC with my ex BPD girlfriend... .1 month without sex and it's tough  . It's difficult to remember that sexual chemistry between us. She was beautiful, sexy and open-minded. I always have these pictures in my head, of her having sex with her rebound. On that aspect (sex) I miss her, it was amazing. I know that a healthy relationship is not only SEX it's alot more complex! I know it... .but I'm really afraid of never finding again somebody else with whom I can reach that level. Do you know how to overcome that fear and also these pictures in my head of her having sex with someone else.

Thanks alot in advance

[MyEyesrOpen]

Hi Tribalmart

I'm now a month NC and an feeling you. I had the most incredible sexual connection with my exBPD to the point i was not able to have sex with anyone else since (including the 3 years of on and off - months at a time)

I used to think i should just have sex to break the connection and find someone i would kinda like. you know the saying "to get over someone, get under someone else" ... "just do it, you know he is" but easier said than done for me. If i tried to relieve myself it would be to thoughts of us and then i would cry afterwards.

Hes actually the fist man i could climax with easily and in minutes. Never had that before... (i was married once AND in a long term relationship for about 7-10 years)

I've been wondering about this. I fear he used sex as a weapon with me. He knew how open and vulnerable i would be to him... in fact he often DIDNT finish but would let me climax several times in one session. Researching that, i found somewhere that an orgasm releases those "love feelings" so i was the only one releasing those feelings over and over and he held back. The few times he did climax it was to trick me into getting pregnant.

The worst thing we could do is get back into bed with them. The only way to break that sexual hold is to not have sex with them. The thought of never having that again is too much to handle so i just try to take it day by day. Maybe try that?

All i know is, i wont let anyone touch me, it feels creepy to me if its not his touch... But we need to ask ourselves... .where are they now, who are they F***king!

Try working out? Try Porn? (to get images of her out ) or if you can do it... .be physical with someone else. I wish i could do it, i KNOW it would help. Obv its helped my exBPD stay away

[tribalmart]

I would be able to do it with someone else... .no problem for me! Like I said it was so amazing with her, my expectations are high maybe a bit too high! I'm afraid to compare and to be disapointed... .it would only increase my pain! Last week I had a opportunity to do it, the girl was not my kind so I did'nt do it. I know that they use sex as weapon, and they know that it's a powerful one!

I'm not sure if porn could help me, it's highly addicitve and dangerous to fall in something too lonely... .but sometimes it's nice! I know that having sex with her again would be a major mistake and I won't fall in that trap! But it's a daily fight agains myself!

[MSNYC]

I so feel you all on this.

I am so relieved to have ended the relationship and my feelings for him are basically gone - but dang, that was some amazing fun we had between the sheets. I am fully resigned that I can never have that kind of energy and connection with someone stable, who's got their stuff together, who isn't looking to fill a void with another person. And that recognition makes me SUPER sad.

Are there strategies to get past this?

[tribalmart]

Thinking that way is negative. All I am going to say is purely logical:

- We are non BPD... .and we have been involved in relationship with hot sex! No?

- Why do we think that's impossible to meet a partner just like us, sensual, sexual, passionate and desirable? We are non BPD and we do have these "attribute"

I think it is because we have been hurted and our self confidence has been touched! We must stay positive... .there are normal potential partner who can fit our expectation. People you can trust and enjoy something real... .not someone who can backstab you at anytime. That is the logical part of my bain that is speaking, my heart has Doubt! Im trying to take it Day by Day with the hope that I will find it again in someone faithful and with no mental disorders. Dont forget that our BPD exs were hot in bed oh yeahhhh but sex involved 2 person and if that chemistry was so hot its also because of us!

[Freeatlast_1]

What a great topic, I thought I was the only one that felt that way. The sex was outstanding, it wasn't just about sex, it was more about the chemistry, the emotions. It was kind of "Spiritual" experience. We have been out of touch for one month, an idea that I will never have that high again is unacceptable. I think sex has huge importance, and I cannot be happy without it (and with her). But I refuse to give it up to anyone without that "Connection", people are so quick to drop their pants, I don't get it. IT'S NOT THE SAME. I know that she is probably going out sleeping with whoever she meets, that's her type. But I realistically doubt that I'll experience that high I had with her again, I hope I'm wrong.

[tribalmart]

100% agree... .sex is an important part of the human nature and is one aspect that determinate the success rate of a couple. I just cant deal with something just average. To be positive a couple years ago I have dated  a non BPD, perfectly healthy and she was very hot in the bed... .  it didnt work between us for many other reason. I understand that BPD are prone to be hot in bed but I still believe there's a plenty of healthy women that can satisfy us maybe even more! by their stability and their loyalty!

[LostGhost]

Wish I knew what this sex thing is you're talking about. My ex withheld it from me for at least five months before the final discard.

[Freeatlast_1]

WOW LostGhost, one of The main reasons I stayed in that relationship was the great sex, if that was withheld from me I would've probably walked out sooner. The rest of the relationship was very dysfunctional. And the sex have to make up for all the anger and the Rages.

[hergestridge]

I broke up from by BPWexwife one year and a half ago now. I just met a new woman and started having sex again.

It was a huge relief to have sex with someone I was on friendly terms with. Even if the sex with my exwife could be good (and very "wild" sometimes) it was a bit like sleeping with the enemy, so it was very guarded.

Also, it's not until now I realize how many hang-ups my exwife had in bed. How many rigid rituals and little things I had to adjust to.

Sex now with this new woman is also all about reciprocity. We have sex at the same time. With my exwife it was very much "I do my thing first, then you'll do yours". It was either my pleasure or hers. And she would become angry in bed. Losing her temper because of this or that and then she couldn't finish.

I don't miss it at all. It was sex without love. Just half the fun.

[WhatTheFrank]

My exBPDgf was a very selfish, inhibited lover. Sorry I cannot relate rofl

[parisian]

Initially BPD's tend not to come with too many hangups about sex (not at the start anyway). And that is their key to hooking us (and anyone for that matter). I would like to see someone who has had a BPD relationship where sex was a paced thing that took it's time, because generally it is not. They use it as a hook very early on.

With my exBPD, I had never come across anyone so uninhibited. It was hot and rough. But over time, that never changed. It became boring and mechanical to a point where it actually turned me off because there was no intimacy whatsoever about it. Hot and wild is fine sometimes, but intimate and gentle and loving is nice too. I got to the point where I had so much anxiety that I actually couldn't finish, and I've never had that with anyone. My body was telling me I couldn't relax around her.

It also ended up very one-sided and after I broke it off and learnt she had BPD, I realised that the activity had nothing to do with pleasure or enjoyment - it was all designed as a form of punishment / mind numb / disassociation for her. There were ocassions where I was actually worried I would hurt my exBPD during sex, and that is kind of sick in a way... .

BPD use it as a hook and will continue to, because it works for them. But a healthy relationship is not just based on sex. It dosn't matter how good it is when things like love, and respect, and kindness and intimacy are missing. That is no relationship at all. I will pass on the wild/hot sex anyday to avoid the rest of the awfulness that comes with it thanks.

[tribalmart]

For me, some feelings seemed to be involved when we had sex but that was illusion, lies! like everything else. After having sex, she used to say... ."I love you so much honey, I'm yours... ."... .probably in the heat of the moment. You cannot say that sincerely and lying, cheating the day after. This aspect of our relationship was not different than the other one, no link between speech and behaviour. Now (2 weeks NC and more than one month without having sex with her) I would'nt be able to have sex with her anymore because it's no longer possible for me to see that person as a good one, as an honnest and thrustful one. I'm a man, capable to make a clear difference between emotions and sex... .but not that much! too much negtive emotion are involved! I agree that sex with TRUE LOVE will be alot better than sex with LIES... .

[RedDove]

Hi Tribalmart, I understand exactly how you are feeling. I am 3 months out of a 5 year encounter with my exBPDbf. This past year I attempted to build a friendship. BUT, due to his disorder, my codependency, and trauma bond with him, we ended up sleeping together. I was then contacted by his best friend John, who informed me that my ex has been living with a woman and lying and deceiving me for the entire past year.

I haven't been with anyone else in the past 5 years. I was loyal and faithful to him. Upon being told the truth by his best friend John about the other woman, along with so many hurtful lies and the horrid deception, I am now repulsed by my exBPDbf. My exBPDbf never told his best friend I was "the love of his life". He used me for sex out of convenience because I lived 1/2 mile away from him. He kept me and his BFF John apart for 5 years so we couldn't compare stories and unravel the truth.

Like you, the sex was amazing. Deep down I also have the same deep seated fear, that I will never experience sex like that again with a non. I also saw a photo of the OW. Sometimes I have the film real playing in my head. It's an awful and ugly nightmare to experience, so I do understand and feel for you.

However, I am slowly coming to the realization there were reasons the sex was so great... .because of the "intensity" and "addiction (aka, trauma bond)". He is definitely like a drug to me and I was addicted!

I haven't seen him since July and yes, I am having withdrawals from the sex as well. The thought of being with another man is difficult to imagine. I also know the sex was so great BECAUSE he's been with soo many women! According to his best friend John, my ex has been with hundreds of women. John thought he was just a sex addict and didn't know about BPD.

I know I want love, intimacy, trust, and connection in a relationship. All the things that were missing with my exBPDbf. So my mindset moving forward will be, when I find a normal guy, the intimacy and trust will be there, and so the sex will be even better! Like other posters said, it takes two and our BPD's weren't the only ones who were passionate and good in bed!

I also know when I previously broke it off with my ex in June 2014, I went a year without sex. So I can tell you it does get better with time. I know that's not the answer you're looking for, but, it's the reality of my situation. Like a drug addiction, it will take time to break the trauma bond & addiction and get it (her) out of your system!

[Climbmountains91]

I always have thoughts about me and exBPDBF sex ! not gonna lie, it was the best, its not like we did anything 'wild' as everyones describes but i loved him thats why it was special to me, i even cry because i know its never gonna happen again, but to face the rejection after that he couldn't sleep with me and it didn't mean anything fuses my rejection issues and is just not a proper relationship.

[andintothefire]

The more that I disliked her as a person and the worse that she treated me, the hotter the sex was. It was like she had this narcissistic, magnetic attraction, and it turned me on so much. But--obviously--that's unhealthy! It doesn't make sense, and I'm ready to move on from this disordered view of what sex is for (addiction).

[Lonely_Astro]

WOW LostGhost, one of The main reasons I stayed in that relationship was the great sex, if that was withheld from me I would've probably walked out sooner. The rest of the relationship was very dysfunctional. And the sex have to make up for all the anger and the Rages.

Mine slowly turned sex into a weapon, of sorts.  She would withhold and then she couldn't get enough of it.  The last time we did it, it was amazing.  In my head (and heart) I will always count that as my "goodbye" sex.  Of course, at the time, I didn't know the last time was going to be the last time.  It just turned out that way.

What was oddly weird was one of the last things she openly talked with me about was us in the bed and how great it was.  But, like all things with her, it was a fleeting moment.  I am still currently LC with her (working my way to NC) and even as recent as today she made a comment to me (in person, at work) which I found odd given we haven't talked it a few days to each other at all.  The one thing I am certain of though is that we are viewing the end of this relationship in two totally different perspectives.  I'm leaving and she thinks I'm just hanging out waiting for her to come around.  

Even though she is absolutely stunning (clothed or not), I comfortable saying I wouldn't sleep with her again.  Not only does that complicate matters, frankly I don't want to get wrapped up in the whirlwind that would follow.  But, her actually offering sex to me would be a total shock.  I'm sure she's giving that to whoever she's replaced me with (and I make no bones about the fact that I fully believe she has another fish on the line already).

[Lonely_Astro]

I always have thoughts about me and exBPDBF sex ! not gonna lie, it was the best, its not like we did anything 'wild' as everyones describes but i loved him thats why it was special to me, i even cry because i know its never gonna happen again, but to face the rejection after that he couldn't sleep with me and it didn't mean anything fuses my rejection issues and is just not a proper relationship.

I think the word you were looking for is passionate.  Mine with my pwBPD was like that.  It wasn't 'wild', it was full of passion and it was intense.  Even if it were just a quickie, it was still like the world stopped.  It's one of the things I will miss about her: the passion that happened during lovemaking.  But, alas, like all good dreams, they must end sometime.

As the saying goes, I am not sad because it ended.  I am happy that it happened.  I do believe, at some time, I did get to experience her.  The 'real' her, I mean.  She gave me a gift (whether she realizes it or not) and I will forever treasure that experience with her.  As angry or as upset as I get with her, I do love her.  I hope she finds that inner peace one day (I'm hoping she sticks with DBT - but I doubt it) that she deserves.  Unfortunately, she may realize what was lost (she may not care... .who knows really).  I guess only time will tell.

[C.Stein]

I think the word you were looking for is passionate.  Mine with my pwBPD was like that.  It wasn't 'wild', it was full of passion and it was intense.  Even if it were just a quickie, it was still like the world stopped.  It's one of the things I will miss about her: the passion that happened during lovemaking.  But, alas, like all good dreams, they must end sometime.

As the saying goes, I am not sad because it ended.  I am happy that it happened.  I do believe, at some time, I did get to experience her.  The 'real' her, I mean.  She gave me a gift (whether she realizes it or not) and I will forever treasure that experience with her.  As angry or as upset as I get with her, I do love her.  I hope she finds that inner peace one day (I'm hoping she sticks with DBT - but I doubt it) that she deserves.  Unfortunately, she may realize what was lost (she may not care... .who knows really).  I guess only time will tell.

Wow man, you just took the words out of my mouth (for the most part).  I am happy we shared that time stopping passion, it was a transcending experience and I am glad I got to feel that deep of a connection at least once in my life, even if I am having a hard time seeing anything clearly through the pain of losing that connection right now,

[Someguywrote]

I just miss the head . I been with a few women since and none come close to her level of skill.

[CharWood]

I feel ya on this. totally. I am still having to live with mine until the end of the year and our living situation is a hot mess.

My BPD ex has been playing the push pull game, more push than pull up until recently... .none of her replacements have worked and she has done everything to throw each and every one of them up in my face. we have argued passionately since we have broken up... .things are always intense between the two of us... .we can never seem to just ignore one another.

My ex wants me in her life but doesn't. wants to move on but doesn't. wants me to move on but throws a severe tantrum every time I speak of doing so or attempt to do so... .stopped dating when I started dating again... .swears up and down she is over me but becomes affectionate towards me during these moments where she breaks down... .teary one minute, callous the next... .she has only made one meager attempt to come on to me since the break up... .however, in the past week, after three months of being broken up... .she propositioned me... .then "forgot" about doing it the next day and denied it last week. she got into bed with me Saturday night and tried to touch me... .I wasn't having it (though it took everything I had in me to not pull her over to me)... .she tried to get me in the hottub on Saturday night... .with candles and whatnot (just to get me relaxed so she says) and last night, she was being very sexually suggestive... .only to shut me down in the end when I got a little too close to her... .she is like a cat, you gotta let her come to you I guess. . but lately, you can cut the tension between the two of us with a chainsaw... .although she is doing everything she can to play games and be hot and cold... .faking going on dates and driving around for a few hours and coming home to try to pull me back in... its crazymaking at its finest... .or its just her stubbornness and inability to admit her residual feelings.


I am weakening up fast and if she were to pull something on me in the next week... .I would relent... .my ex and I cannot stay the heck away from eachother and things are always very passionate and intense, whether it is arguing, affection, intimacy, etc.

Maybe we are both addicted to one another. She cannot fix this relationship due to her refusal of therapy and I am making a mistake by sticking around... .I fear we will be in this vicious circle for the rest of our life because we cant let one another go... .unless she gets help its hopeless.

I think about her more than ever now and it is very hard to get our sexual history out of my head... .it is absolutely an addiction.

[cloudten]

I am not going to lie... .its the part I miss the most... .but i knew if I had stayed with him it would have disappeared like in everyone else's relationship. I am petrified I will never find someone like him again... .in bed.

[Michelle27]

As in so many others' stories here, in the beginning, the sex with my ex was amazing.  I met him when I was 30 years old and I thought it was the best sex I'd ever had.  But a decade later, it deteriorated mostly because there's no way I could open up after years of raging and other crazy making behaviors so I shut down sexually.  And in the 2nd half of the relationship, sex for him was something he felt entitled to, even when we were separated.  I made the mistake of giving in and having sex once when we were separated and it left me feeling used and like a piece of meat.  And at the end of the separation just before I told him we were done, he got VERY sexually inappropriate going so far as to tell me he enjoyed masturbating with my underwear and at my daughter's birthday dinner when he got me alone for a few minutes, trying to take my panties off saying he wanted to do it again.   

I'm in a new relationship now, and I realize now why the sex seemed so amazing with my ex in the early years.  It was the mirroring.  What I thought was going on was an illusion.  He wasn't opening up to me the way I thought because I now know he simply could not.  How do you open yourself up when you don't know who you are? 

[Zigdog]

Wow. I'm two months out of my Bpd r/s and I tried to have rebound sex in the first three weeks and I couldn't perform. It was like my soldier was mad I left that crazy woman. I'm just now getting my libido back. The sex with my Bpd ex girl was amazing and whenever I wanted it. The problem was she wanted all the time and at the wrong times. We once went on a trip and had to share a hotel room with her kids in the next bed and she wanted to have sex. She got mad when I refused. It's like a drug.

[Forteventur]

Wow. I'm two months out of my Bpd r/s and I tried to have rebound sex in the first three weeks and I couldn't perform. It was like my soldier was mad I left that crazy woman. I'm just now getting my libido back. The sex with my Bpd ex girl was amazing and whenever I wanted it. The problem was she wanted all the time and at the wrong times. We once went on a trip and had to share a hotel room with her kids in the next bed and she wanted to have sex. She got mad when I refused. It's like a drug.

Huh, I used to suffer side effects from my antidepressants and couldnt perform sometimes, which would make her very, very angry. She'd not talk to me for hours, or lock herself in her room, or would go stalk me on the internet to "find" a reason I couldnt.

When we were on the verge of breaking up, I ended up replaying in my mind the "i've met someone" she said and just couldnt do it.

She then came to me and asked if 'it' was still broken.

[tribalmart]

I'm asking myself why is it so common that BPD are hot in bed? Is there a link between mental illness and sensuality/sexuality? I still believe (and I must believe) that it's possible to find a great lover in a sane person. Are they really hot or we are just in the fog?

I think that I'm a sane man and I'm very comfortable with my sexuality. Logicaly there should be some sane women also comfortable and open minded about sexuality... .No? Why are we so afraid to never find again something similar in a sane partner?

Tell me who you love and I will tell you who you are... .I need to start a deep introspection about this quote!

[hashtag_loyal]

I'm asking myself why is it so common that BPD are hot in bed?

I can think of three reasons:

- A LOT more sexual experience than the typical person (The more you do it, the better you get!)

- Strong desire to please during the "honeymoon" phase at the beginning of each r/s

- An "up for anything" attitude towards sex due to no personal boundaries, morals or sense of sexual identity

[tribalmart]

I agree the first and third arguments.

But, the intense desire to please during the honeymoon phase is also VERY common in a ''normal'' couple

[Mr Hollande]

I've felt in the minority here from the start but all three BPD's I've been with were rotten in bed. Not for a lack of porn star acting but that was the core of the problem. It felt like acting. It WAS acting! I felt like I was performing and that I HAD to keep up the performance. One of the best things after it ended was the knowledge that I would not have to have sex with that woman again.

[groundbreaker]

I've felt in the minority here from the start but all three BPD's I've been with were rotten in bed. Not for a lack of porn star acting but that was the core of the problem. It felt like acting. It WAS acting! I felt like I was performing and that I HAD to keep up the performance. One of the best things after it ended was the knowledge that I would not have to have sex with that woman again.

Not til the last 6 months of our relationship did it finally seem she was actually "making love to me". Then we broke up... Weird how she got emotionally and physically closer to me and then left.

I have similar feelings. The sex wasn't super amazing but her body was everything I wanted in a woman. Her body type is very petite and she had a very young looking face. She looked mid 20s and she's 32. I still get aroused just thinking about her in that way even after a year a part.

She was willing to please me any time I wanted it. We even had sex the night before she jumped ship.

I too fear that I won't have that physical attraction to another woman because of it.