Distancing yourself while living together

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

I musty live with my husband for now. He will not believe I am actually leaving until  I do.

How do I:

* Distance myself, detach while living with him? The danger is that I would rally like him as a friend, those who see his good side.  I worry he will do something that sucks me in again. This is NOT him deliberately being nice to stop me from leaving--it's just the good parts of hjim that make me laugh. I can't feel good with him because the downs are too way down.

anyway, the question is:

How does one detach or make walls or stop trying to love someone when you have to llive with him?

[BPDMomAndHusband]

I musty live with my husband for now. He will not believe I am actually leaving until  I do.

How do I:

* Distance myself, detach while living with him? The danger is that I would rally like him as a friend, those who see his good side.  I worry he will do something that sucks me in again. This is NOT him deliberately being nice to stop me from leaving--it's just the good parts of hjim that make me laugh. I can't feel good with him because the downs are too way down.

anyway, the question is:

How does one detach or make walls or stop trying to love someone when you have to llive with him?

[Turkish]

What's your end goal here, BPDMomAndHusband, is there a timeline?

I lived with my Ex for about 4 months before she could comfortably move out. At the time our kids were 1 and 3. It was hard. The difference was that I had, in a way, painted her black. Though she was the one leaving (to be with her bf, now husband), she wanted to be something like a BFF, so it's not 100% analogous to your situation. The toughest part is the beginning, and I think our emotions can reflect the disintegration (or compartmentalization) of the relationship breaking down.

Turkish

[Mutt]

I worry he will do something that sucks me in again.

Hi BPDMomAndHusband,

I'm sorry to hear that. Leaving is a tough decision to make and the idea can bounce around in our minds for a long time. I sense ambiguity, are you sure that this is what you want?

[Michelle27]

I did this, but not necessarily planned.  I think for me, it just hurt too much to continue down the path that we were on, with me constantly trying new things, researching BPD, encouraging him without anything changing and finally, finding out the truth about a suspected affair (it happened, was with my "friend" and went on for a year.  He had denied it for 5 years).  I believe the latter was the last straw even though I stayed with him for another 7 months (3 in therapeutic separation) but I just couldn't make myself be ok with things.  :)uring that time, I detached enough to see things a bit clearer and discovered a few lies I hadn't known about until then.  It all contributed to detaching easier.

[zundertowz]

I did this also, the last 6 months of my 3 year live in relationship my ex started to threaten me with the police and false abuse allegations.  I knew at this point this was never gonna work and I wouldn't live like this for very long.  At that point I found this website and knew that I would be discarded anyway.  When it ended I felt like I had a huge head start and I wasn't blindsided by anything that happened. 7 months later I'm still struggling with some things but I feel for people who didn't know what was happening and still in love. 

[Teereese]

I had been detaching since failed therapy several years ago.

I began to focus on myself and my children. I set boundaries and learned self preservation. I minimized my time alone with him. I went into survivor mode. I refused to accept his blame, threats, obligations and guilt.

It was hard. I just wanted out but did not have the financial means to leave.

I focused on paying down/eliminating bills and loans. I basically made a plan to clean up as much as I could to make a path for myself.

He had recycled me for the last time and we were essentially roommates. I stopped reacting to his dysregulation. I built walls and leaned on family and friends for support.

He spiraled, as all of his past behaviors no longer worked and I no longer fed the beast.

He spent many nights and weekends elsewhere - I cannot even guess where or with who. He was drinking and drugging. He split me black. I honestly did not care. Finally, he moved out, as he saw the writing on the wall.

I am glad it is finally almost over.