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Author Topic: Do pwBPD typically ruin vacations and events?  (Read 2723 times)
alexeihb

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« on: October 29, 2015, 01:36:32 PM »

Just wondering if there is any connection between BPD and how fun activities or vacations play out. My now uexBPDgf seemed to go into rage/panic/anger whenever we'd go do something fun for a day, it was worse when we'd go on vacation over night like the Cruise. It seems to be triggered by me when I call her out on her negativity while we're trying to have fun and enjoy our time together. I remeber her going into complete rage because she noticed I was dissapointed and asked me whats wrong, I responded with "just wish you'd be a little less negative" and it was all down hill from there. Just seems like sge sabotaged any vacation we had and time together just going out
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« Reply #1 on: October 29, 2015, 01:49:50 PM »

Hi Alex

Both my uBPD exs where a nightmare on holiday. My ex wife would spend the whole time being ill and bed ridden. My exgf would get irate when we went away. Our first holiday was the first time I witnessed one of her rages. I almost stopped the car and got out in the middle of traffic. She told me Id better not or else to which I replied or else what. She didn't know what to say or do as it was obviously not the reply she expected. I wish I had kept that attitude up with her.
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CharWood
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« Reply #2 on: October 29, 2015, 01:53:58 PM »

mine would be constantly on her phone. Taking selfies and posting them on facebook or instagram. Complaining that people are staring at her. Or complaining about something. She never really took the time to live in the moment and enjoy life. It is like she was disconnected from reality... .she lives in a fantasy world.

Never pleasant going on vacations with someone like this. The first 2 years we were together though we went on vacations and she was not like this, we have actually had some very fun times together. but then again, she didn't have an I-phone for one of those years and managed to stay off of it mostly the other year. It seems like the iphone added to the issue when she dysregulated and started going BPD.
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alexeihb

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« Reply #3 on: October 29, 2015, 02:39:06 PM »

mine would be constantly on her phone. Taking selfies and posting them on facebook or instagram. Complaining that people are staring at her. Or complaining about something. She never really took the time to live in the moment and enjoy life. It is like she was disconnected from reality... .she lives in a fantasy world.

Never pleasant going on vacations with someone like this. The first 2 years we were together though we went on vacations and she was not like this, we have actually had some very fun times together. but then again, she didn't have an I-phone for one of those years and managed to stay off of it mostly the other year. It seems like the iphone added to the issue when she dysregulated and started going BPD.

On our cruise vacation, first day there she raged and went off on me in front of everyone, then stormed off into our room. I obviously followed her in because I had no idea what was going on. Trying to talk to her only made things worse, I told her I'll be by the pool when she's ready to talk, as I am walking away she comes out of the room screaming at me, people came out to see whats going on, then she started calling for security saying that she "doesnt feel safe with me" . They gave her another room and told me to stay away  I stayed in my room the entire time in complete agony while she was posting selfies of her self lounging outside all smiles and hapiness. Ughhh... .whyyyyyy
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CharWood
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« Reply #4 on: October 29, 2015, 03:22:54 PM »

Wow alexiehb... .that's absolutely ridiculous and I am sorry you endured that after paying for the expense of a nice trip. My ex was always throwing little temper tantrums, though she can be more passive aggressive. She almost ruined our vacation to Key West with similar behavior... .just acting childish, acting out and sulking or ignoring me and taking selfies. Ugh... .why do us nice guys have to fall for such broken, self-involved people?
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mimi99
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« Reply #5 on: October 29, 2015, 03:25:50 PM »

My BPDd24 does not travel well. We have attempted family vacations and she either becomes dysregulated or refuses to go do anything, choosing to sit on the couch the whole trip.  Not fun. She lives with her bf now and they recently went out of town briefly and I notice she posted about not feeling well for the whole trip. Seems to be a BPD thing
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alexeihb

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« Reply #6 on: October 29, 2015, 06:31:01 PM »

Wow alexiehb... .that's absolutely ridiculous and I am sorry you endured that after paying for the expense of a nice trip. My ex was always throwing little temper tantrums, though she can be more passive aggressive. She almost ruined our vacation to Key West with similar behavior... .just acting childish, acting out and sulking or ignoring me and taking selfies. Ugh... .why do us nice guys have to fall for such broken, self-involved people?

right? I guess we probably already know why, its the "why did we stay in an emotionaly abusive relationship" so long part that is hard, makes you really look hard into yourself. I guess I am still trying to wrap my head around everything that happened and how I was so hooked. Its been 6 weeks no contact and its brutal

My BPDd24 does not travel well. We have attempted family vacations and she either becomes dysregulated or refuses to go do anything, choosing to sit on the couch the whole trip.  Not fun. She lives with her bf now and they recently went out of town briefly and I notice she posted about not feeling well for the whole trip. Seems to be a BPD thing

same here, she even mentioned when we first started dating that she gets bad anxiety when traveling, I figured thats not a big deal alot of people do, I do too sometimes.
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« Reply #7 on: October 29, 2015, 06:44:47 PM »

My ex BPD always picked a fight before a vacation. It probably had to do with anxiety about going away but it was like clock work. Vacations we always a nightmare from the moment we left, while we were there, to getting home. Everything was on her time scale. I never understood  why someone would want to sit inside and watch a movie while at the beach. But she did and if I didn't sit in there with her... .oh the  price that was paid. Driving down was horrible... .traffic too fast or slow...   She is hungry or uncomfortable. Just ridiculous. It was worse when she would drink. When she would hit the bottle... .Lord help us all.
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« Reply #8 on: October 29, 2015, 09:21:44 PM »

I don't know about vacations, but I do know that my former friend BPD is always a mess when she visits her parents, who live in another state.

Birthdays and holidays are also disasters.  She picked a fight with her ex the day after his birthday and hit him for the first time the next day.  She ignored me on her mom's birthday.  Her birthday was the next day.  She robbed her ex and then called me crazy that night. Her new boyfriend's birthday is in a few weeks... .

The one major tale of abuse from an ex supposedly happened in another state, so I'm assuming they were on vacation at the time. 
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« Reply #9 on: October 29, 2015, 10:34:34 PM »

I wouldn't know; he won't go on a vacation. They are either too expensive, not enough accrued vacation time, not the right time of year, not the right place, but then talks all the time about places he'd like to visit. We have tons of hotel points and frequent flier miles due to his work travels and my work travels that we never spend on ourselves but whenever his daughter asks him to give points to her mother, his exwife, he generously gives away our points. Maybe I should go on vacay with his ex! LOL!

This year I'm hosting my family at our house. Next year, I may go on vacay on my own.
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« Reply #10 on: November 17, 2015, 02:01:48 AM »

Mine does this when there are nice family events coming up. Particularly in relation to my family.

Part of it for my pwBPD is that she fears that something nice happening means that some awful will follow. That's learned behaviour. I think with it being a family event she also can't handle the emotions involved so she self sabotages. I wonder also how much of it is bringing the attention back to herself by causing a crisis. In fact, this year when she has had tantrums and refused to go to the theatre etc I have just gone without her which I noticed makes her more angry.
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« Reply #11 on: November 17, 2015, 12:21:39 PM »

Yup, my ex could get very disordered when it came to vacations or even family gatherings like weddings.

I think the stress that often accompanies these occasions is a big trigger - the run up to a vacation can often be frantic and pressurised.

I think people with mental health issues are particularly vulnerable to this. On one level they want everything to be perfect and if it isn't then they feel a sense of failure and shame. This is also compounded by the anxiety that if they dysregulate - they'll ruin things.

The end result can often be chaos.

It's also fair to say that a lot of people find vacations stressful. Christmas time has one of the highest rates of martial discord, family breakdown and violence.

Reforming

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naguma
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« Reply #12 on: November 17, 2015, 02:42:04 PM »

Her family or vacations she wanted, normally she was fine.

Vacations I wanted, she was horrible.

She's part of one messed up family, NPD matriarch at the top - with her mother second in line (another NPD). My exBPD did fine on these, until the last few years of our relationship when she would go out of her way to provoke me in front of her family (chance to paint me as the bad guy). Her family had always treated me like crap, excluded me from many activities, etc. My ex seemed ok in that environment.

I learned to not act interested in vacations even if I wanted to go. If she had any idea what so ever that I would enjoy myself then she would make it miserable. The absolute worst vacation was when we went to see my family - my best friends wedding, she was "sick" the entire time. However, she managed to set up another vacation after staying at a resort. She was perfectly healthy and happy the entire time. This second vacation was better then my friends honeymoon, that seemed to make my exBPD extremely happy.

Second worse vacation was with a group of my friends to BC - she was 19 at the time and looked forward to drinking at a bar. First two days she was fine, then we got to the day where we planned to go camping - something I really enjoy. While driving north, literally every 30 seconds she would say something to the effect of "let's turn around". She use to go camping with her boyfriend before me who lived in BC, so neither the drive or camping bothered her - accept that it was probably my favorite thing to do. Needless to say, for the next 8 years there were no camping trips.

Vacations are the one time you will see the narcissistic nature of BPD really shine through. I think the thing is, vacation are suppose to be all about them. If you enjoy yourself, then you're not focusing enough on them. If it's a vacation you want, well that's plain mean of you.
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« Reply #13 on: February 28, 2017, 09:00:51 AM »

Just wondering if there is any connection between BPD and how fun activities or vacations play out.


seems there is as my ex was triggered a week after booking a vacation and a week before xmas. mine didnt just rage but ended it suddenly and then blocked me from contacting her. i asked the same question on one of my threads and a number of people mentioned that the timing of the trigger could well have been the booking or impending vacation/xmas. seems for a number of people this has also played out around vacations
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« Reply #14 on: February 28, 2017, 10:20:21 AM »

The planning for a vacation was maddening.  I was always careful to make her an equal partner in making decisions, but it rarely worked out well.
-------------------------------------------------
Where would you like to go?
Somewhere different.

Ok - like where?
I don't know, but you always want to go somewhere that you like (?).
Ok - so where else would you like to go?

Somewhere different.
OK - what is the phone # for "somewhere different" and I'll make arrangements... .

You always try to make an idiot out of me. You never support my decisions. I hate talking to you... .etc etc etc.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
And that was that.

These circular paths to nowhere could go on for days if I would play along.




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flourdust
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« Reply #15 on: February 28, 2017, 10:30:19 AM »

Vacations by ourselves would go really well if I took care of everything. The pattern (that I can see now) is that she felt cared for if I was doing all of the planning and scheduling to make a vacation work. That fed into my own codependent characteristics, as I was demonstrating my value by taking care of her needs.

Vacations with family (especially her family) were risky. She often got into fights with her parents or became offended by members of my family. I tended not to get very involved in these altercations, but she certainly brought the drama.
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« Reply #16 on: February 28, 2017, 01:26:18 PM »

In the three years that we've been married, we've (he asks for and I coordinate) planned 3 vacations. Each one of them has triggered on some of the worst "episodes" for my BPDh.

The first was a week long trip with his family to the coast. The night before we left, I went to buy a narrow car seat for my 2 year old son so that everyone would be comfortable in the back seat on the 10 hour drive. This exploded into a HUGE fight. He wanted to have my son in just the seat belt and I of course said no way in the world would that be happening. It escalated so bad, he told me I could just take my son and go by myself. He would not be going on vacation (even though it was his mom, brother, etc. we were going with). He ended up going, but I received the silent treatment for the first 4 days. He complained the entire time about the weather and about his brother and spent a majority of the time in solitude.

The crazy thing is that he always talks about what a great vacation that was. How we all bonded as a family, how beautiful it was, etc. How he wants to do it again soon. LOL I don't even know what to say?

The second trip was just for the two of us. To go to San Fran and and see the 49'ers and hang out. About a week ahead of time I could see the tension escalating. He ended up cancelling the trip saying he was worried we would somehow catch the ebola virus that was a big scare at the time. I learned to always get trip insurance with him - cancelled plane tickets and football tix were not cheap!

The third was a Disney Land trip. While this one went quite a bit better, he was extremely irritable leading up and during the whole trip. I think prior to leaving he had been giving me the silent treatment for some offence for 2 days.

This doesn't even take into account the "vacations" where family comes to visit us or we go to see them. Complete meltdowns EVERY single time. It makes me not want to plan or do anything knowing what will happen.
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cubicinch
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« Reply #17 on: March 02, 2017, 01:20:18 PM »

my father is a PD. When I was a child he would trigger at the build up to any holidays making it a nightmare. He would find us and drag us out of friends houses. Christmas as well would be unsettling in the build up. Even to this day, everyday tasks such as cutting the grass would trigger a downturn of mood.
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« Reply #18 on: March 13, 2017, 02:31:40 PM »

mine would be constantly on her phone. Taking selfies and posting them on facebook or instagram. Complaining that people are staring at her. Or complaining about something. She never really took the time to live in the moment and enjoy life. It is like she was disconnected from reality... .she lives in a fantasy world.

Never pleasant going on vacations with someone like this. The first 2 years we were together though we went on vacations and she was not like this, we have actually had some very fun times together. but then again, she didn't have an I-phone for one of those years and managed to stay off of it mostly the other year. It seems like the iphone added to the issue when she dysregulated and started going BPD.

Sounds so similar! Wow it's terrible man!
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« Reply #19 on: March 13, 2017, 03:09:07 PM »

Yes, she used to find things to complain bitterly about however much effort I had put into planning the holiday! 
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« Reply #20 on: March 16, 2017, 07:35:11 PM »

Nightmarish vacations.  The last one we took, I road a bus 400 miles back to the airport instead of riding in the rent car with him driving and yelling, cursing, etc.  supposed to be my dream" vacation.  I actually enjoyed the bus ride more than the rest of the trip.  He didn't want to look at the itinerary, wanted me to plan it, I tried and tried to get him to be involved in planning, but he refused,  I had paid the airfare way in advance and against my better judgement hoped for the best. 

Never again! 
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« Reply #21 on: March 16, 2017, 08:42:44 PM »

My ex brought his entire office with him whenever we went away and we had to spend a 1/2 hour in security as they pulled out every cable and opened every little pouch. Ugh. Once a woman security agent gave him a bit of a hard time and he started losing it. Nightmare on the plane. Things got better but he had to bring up the incident after a lovely concert and when I tried to steer the conversation away he became verbally abusive and following me up the street yelling!
The last few months he flipped out after my daughters award dinner, her engagement party and food tasting. Also fathers day( he's estranged from all 3), New Years, Christmas Eve,I just couldn't believe it! Something triggers them.
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« Reply #22 on: March 22, 2017, 12:30:12 PM »

This likely explains why my husband's family hasn't been on a trip together in many years.

BPD MIL is already a terror with one day events... .
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« Reply #23 on: March 25, 2017, 07:08:06 AM »

why do us nice guys have to fall for such broken, self-involved people?

that's life ("force of nature" giving us some tough loving and making us grow a spine the hard way. get over your own issues. fix your own problems. draw boundaries and stick with them. become self-sufficient and resilient. it's like a weight training program for an adult personality. hint: lifting heavy weights is much easier. but if you don't overcome your problems, every time they will come around, and they will, they will slap you ten-fold.
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« Reply #24 on: April 19, 2017, 03:19:25 PM »

Yes. She did. I think they get excited that the vacation or event or trip will help get rid of the emptiness and when it doesn't they rage or saulk or cry because it's a brutal affliction.
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spinnaker17
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« Reply #25 on: April 24, 2017, 01:21:29 AM »

I had been dating a woman who I later concluded had BPD.  Things started off great... love bombing... mirroring me... idealization... then a couple cruel comments that I now realize was part of the devaluing process - controlling phase after the honeymoon phase.

she had just divorced a man with kids 3 months prior to me meeting her... .so that was an initial red flag and there were others as I listed above.  I knew something was up but couldn't place my finger on it.

However I knew beyond any doubt she was nuts when we went on a trip to NYC for valentines day.  I had changed the itinerary from my parent's house to a hotel and she went bonkers which I didn't think was big deal... but now I realize it triggered abandonment fears.

Before the trip she was incredibly angry threatening not to go... .she seemed ok a little distant during the day... but things seemed fine.  however when I awoke in the morning I would see her seated in a chair across the room staring at me in rage... (god knows if she was in that chair all night!) . and was seriously creeped out by it... sort of fatal attraction style.  Alarm bells were going off!

One night she accused me of wanting her just for convenience and at this point I was just pissed and ripped into her... .she then started talking to some guys at another table and got up and ignored me.  Now I realize this was attention seeking and part of her devaluing process against me... ..and I also knew that the relationship just crossed over into toxic and contempt land and as far as I was concerned it was over... .and it essentially was... .came back home she came by my place the next day looking for make up sex (push pull).  I declined and it was over... she called and texted for 2 months but I avoided any in person contact with her.

So basically the vacation stressed her and her BPD symptoms surfaced big time... .previous to that I had suspicions but now I was convinced there was something seriously wrong and time to end it.  There were other instances too... .suffice it to say I am confident she has BPD... although she has never been formally diagnosed.  only now a year later did I realize I was dealing with a high functioning BPD person who to the outside world seemed fabulous(attractive, intelligent, engaging etc).

btw... .less than one year after meeting me she remarried and was pregnant.

all you need to know -  I dodged a bullet and feel sorry for the guy that wound up with her.
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« Reply #26 on: April 24, 2017, 12:57:54 PM »

We had a successful holiday last summer. I planned and planned!

My BPDs got triggered about time.  He needs to know what's happening and when.  We were on a road trip so with good planning that was a breeze, change of scenery, accommodation ration kept us all in a vibrant mood.

Boat trip went terribly. BPDs threw a fit unable to cope because there was s change in route plan making us 30 minutes behind. He was seasick so I did try and validate but eventually gave up and left him alone.

All day trip white water rafting - triggered from nicotine withdrawal. It never occurred to me or him. He got glummer and glummer but thankfully did apologise to our leader at the end of the day. It could have been solved by a vape but didn't spoil our experience.

9 hour return flight delay. Triggered but he coped.

We all didn't react, coped with his swings. Didn't get embarrassed by his choice of clothes and went with the flow. Flexibility and I made sure we all got fair choice of how we wanted to spend our time.

We bonded and will always be happy we made this family trip.

It can be done!
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« Reply #27 on: May 18, 2017, 02:45:09 PM »

We never have money for a vacation, but we can barely even go out to eat or grocery shopping with my dBPDh before he snaps about the smallest infraction.  It's always a coin toss on how each outing will turn out... .   
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« Reply #28 on: May 21, 2017, 01:46:52 AM »

I had a similar experience on a Pacific Northwest trip (Oregon and Washington), seeing things most people would kill to see.  We would often,  however, have similar conflict going to the mall on a Saturday morning,  not 3 miles away. 

What do you think was the core emotional trigger for the dysregulation?
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« Reply #29 on: May 21, 2017, 05:24:29 AM »

It was difficult to get my BPD husband to go on any vacation.  I think he felt it as a loss of control.  I had to plan vacations that accommodated all his needs for exercise, schedule routine, etc.   He also didn't like to eat in restaurants, it was always take out back to the hotel room to watch tv.  Any disruption in the itinerary clearly struck fear in his heart and led to a rage.  I tried to change our plans for one day in Costa Rica and he screamed at me for 10 minutes, saying "we were in a 3rd world country" and I hadn't considered his concerns at all.   All these constraints really limited the choices we had for vacation options, so alot of them were about going somewhere where we could do one event a day, like a hike or museum visit and then relax by the pool or on the beach. Even though we were "together" on the vacation, he disconnected and did "his stuff" during the downtime.  ONe year, I convinced him to go to Italy, he couldn't even walk next to me on the street as we strolled around... he would walk ahead or follow behind.  If we were at the beach - he would just go walk on the beach by himself, no invitation to join, go to the pool to read (again, no invitation).   

Even on the weekends at home when we had the opportunity to do something together, he would lay around and watch tv and say he felt sick or had a headache.  He always needed to be "doing", preferably something familiar -- I'm guessing to block out all that internal negativity - so down time was uncomfortable.  Down time paired with me, as on a vacation,  provided the perfect opportunity to blame me for all those bad feelings bubbling up-- because I was the only one there.  We had one couple we took vacation with a few times, and when we did... he would usually find a reason to rage about how annoying the wife was.   

It seems to me that BPD's don't like the opportunity for rest and reflection, which goes along with all the other choices they make in their lives to fill the dark void and silence that internal critic.
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« Reply #30 on: May 22, 2017, 08:51:44 AM »

Fundamentally vacations are stressful and part of BPD is non-functioning stress regulation. Vacations bring out full on BPD.
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« Reply #31 on: May 23, 2017, 07:12:35 PM »

My BPD friend (24 years old) just spent two weeks on vacation, visiting her mom and step-dad in California.  Things seemed to be going really well, especially on Mother's Day.  So, I e-mailed her mom and told her I was glad to see that everyone was having a nice time.  Her mom's reply?  "Nope, she's turned into a b___h again."  She told her mother she was stupid, spent her last full day there locked in her room, and spent most of her time Skyping with her boyfriend. 

When I have a day off or when I go somewhere, she always comes up with some kind of drama, to put the attention back on her.  Sometimes, instead of drama, it's a picture of her going somewhere, as if she has to one up me or something. 

So, to answer the original question, yes, they can definitely ruin vacations and events. 
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« Reply #32 on: May 23, 2017, 11:31:35 PM »

Yep, my husband does. And he also blows up every Christmas and Thanksgiving and Birthday... .his, mine, the kids. Easter. Is there anything left? He even had a fit over my brothers funeral. He didn't feel he was getting enough attention. Does this ever get better? Any ideas?
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« Reply #33 on: May 24, 2017, 06:46:55 AM »

I must admit, finally one topic I laughed about. No wonder it has so many views, it has obviously struck a chord with most of us! Omg. Needless to say, most experiences here - ditto with my dHBPD. For the first couple of years we were together I just couldn't figure it out (along with all the other BPD stuff, obviously). He was so attentive at home, seemed to LOVE spending time with me, we were together 24/7 and seemed like having such a good time with each other. As long as that was lying on the couch, watching TV, not doing anything - god forbid - different!
Step outside the house with him to do anything - MAJOR shift in behaviour! Like you dropped him in a tropical rainforest in the middle of the night, blindfolded. Anxiety on MAX!
Just couldn't relax and enjoy the moment, wherever we went, whatever we would do. Along with my - absolute pet hate - the walking way in front of me, or just wandering off without letting me know where he was going, or just letting me know with his whole being how bored or not interested he was in anything I wanted to do.
And if I said anything - silence treatment, of course. Misery, misery!
It used to hurt me so much, I had been a single mom prior to meeting him and holidays would very often be on my own with just my son at the time, which was great, but it's not so much fun when you only do kids' stuff all the time. So I thought - oh great, finally I can share a good time with another adult, a SO at that, you know, pictures of a couple laughing together on the beach somewhere, cocktails in hand, having a great time together... .Yeah, well - didn't quite happen.

I would also gave him the opportunity to choose, but - he didn't really want to go anywhere, do anything and if we did go - he would just put such a damper on everything, you just wanted to get home, get out of the toxic car atmosphere, let him go off to his ''sulking corner'' and not see him for a week afterwards!

Now - I just don't really care any more, nor do I have any wish to plan anything with him. I go where I want to go and I breathe and take the experience in without a million worries about how to make this ''unbearable pain'' of a family trip easier on him or when he would lose it and go into the silent mode, or... .I enjoy trips with my kids more than ever and we are having so much more fun when Mr. Dark Cloud On a Perfectly Sunny Day is not there!

Seriously, what is with that? Don't think I've read anything specifically on the possible reasons for such dislike of holidays/traveling with BPDs, but would love to know!
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« Reply #34 on: June 25, 2017, 08:27:15 AM »

Like Nordrhein, this thread made me laugh out loud. I had always thought my husband was the only one. Let me tell you what he does on vacation:

We went out of town for my birthday and our anniversary:

1) He left me in the room, then went on Facebook and posted that I had abandoned him in the middle of downtown Phoenix, in a seedy part of town, with no money and no way to get back to the hotel. Because he also has a neurological condition that can leave him confused, I reported him missing to hotel security. I found him myself sitting by an elevator, taking selfies.

2) He told the bellman he was a famous author (he's not) and when the bellman asked what he'd written, he quickly changed the subject.

I went away without him (after first asking him to go), and while I was away, he blocked all communication--text, phone, even Facebook--until two days before I came home, at which point, he announced that at midnight, someone (and it looked a lot like a mutual friend, he said) broke into the house and apparently beat him because when he came to, his glasses were broken, and he had a scratch near his eye. Nobody had beaten him up, and when I told him that in the future if someone breaks in, he needed to call 9-1-1.

Just went away again without him, and then he plays the "pity" card, asking plaintively why I hadn't wanted him with me. I told him that for ten years, I'd been asking him to go places with him, but he always turned me down, and I've given up.

We can't go out to eat because he becomes overly tired and stretches out on the booth.

Not only does he not take part in holidays--Christmas and the like--he seems to actively try to sabotage them by going into crisis.

I now, unless he's bleeding profusely or having a true heart attack, ignore him. Tell him, 'gee, that's too bad,' and move on.
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« Reply #35 on: July 02, 2017, 12:02:56 AM »

Man oh man... .YUUUUUUUUUUUP.

In April I spent 5 days over spring break with my ex and his son on the OR coast. It was a nightmare from beginning to end. I spent a large part of it cowering in the bathroom with my phone posting here and trying to survive. During our time there he was constantly fighting and arguing - weaving a path of destruction that included his glasses (which he snapped in half) and several shirts he tore off himself in rage. The final night he threatened to buy me a bus ticket and leave me there. In retrospect that would have been far preferrable to the hell that was the 6 hour drive home. I have never experienced anything so horrific and hope never to again.

Additionally, he was set off by most big events... .a bear through the entire Christmas season, Thanksgiving, my birthday, his son's birthday (which occurred on the above mentioned trip, sigh), mother's day... .

I look back at the pattern and shake my head. I'd take that bet every time... .
 
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« Reply #36 on: July 09, 2017, 01:27:38 PM »

It's odd but I feel like I was the one who ruined holidays and vacations. I remember going camping with her family and I flat out told her "I'm not going to know a lot of people so I am probably going to be shy." Her response was "Well you should have told me sooner and I would not have brought you." And I was shy but in smaller groups I was very social with her family. She didn't really see that and then she slept in another family members tent the last night because I had spoken to some stranger during a walk and not her family. Which made me very upset that I had to sleep alone in the tent.

I remember her birthday and I didn't go to her grandmom's with her and they had a cake for her etc. I do feel bad about that and I can't remember why I didn't go (I think I was just tired). But then I took her out to a bar that night which I really can't stand (the real "tool" crowd of people) and I said something like "You know I must really love you if I'm going to this place with you." She took that really defensively which I guess she had a right too.

But other holidays were alright for the most part. In hindsight, especially the camping story, I feel like I did what I could by communicating to her. I remember the next day we were eating and she said "I want you to stop being quiet." So I did. I just faked it to make her happy. But that in and of itself showed that my feelings really didn't matter to her. Sorry for the rant but this stuff just kinda came up in my head.
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« Reply #37 on: July 09, 2017, 01:37:28 PM »

From experience, yes one holiday in particular. But it doesn't matter now. The less details I remember of some things, the greater clarity I can see the relationship for what it was and patterns of behaviour.

Distancing yourself can give you better perspective. Anyone agree?
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« Reply #38 on: July 12, 2017, 04:21:11 AM »

Hi Alex!

From my experience, yes they do! Holidays, birthdays and vacations! Then will spin it... and say it's the other persons fault... Blamers they are!
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« Reply #39 on: July 12, 2017, 08:37:24 AM »

Like others enjoyed reading this thread, not sure I laughed but certainly identified. Guess its rooted in FEAR, mine certainly does panic a bit and as a result behaves in very unpredictable ways, usually after too much alcohol. We tend to go on cruises now - big ships - plenty of space and a chance for me to do my own thing.
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« Reply #40 on: July 12, 2017, 05:08:43 PM »

In my case, special occations were always horrible. It was always her family and as our r/s progressed the worse she got. I dreaded Xmas, Easter, thanksgiving, every special event. If I wanted to spend time with my family Xw would get in a rage. Xw and her sister went into a syco rage and threatened me with physical violence from my bro in law and father in law when I suggested to Xw that I would like to visit my family one Xmas eve. One time she went into a crazy crying fit, saying I ruined her bday, that it was the worse bday ever and how ignorant I was because she didn't like the way I gave her her flowers. But of course Xw says none of this ever happened and would look at me and say "I don't know what your talking about."
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« Reply #41 on: July 12, 2017, 06:06:41 PM »

Just wondering if there is any connection between BPD and how fun activities or vacations play out.

In my case, yes. She ruined me 1 wedding attendance, 2 New Years, and many other events; the main problem with her was alcohol -- this was really a constant throughout the story. Basically, things were going fine until she passed a certain "alcoholic threshold": after that, in 90% of cases there was a terrible alcoholic rage.
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« Reply #42 on: July 13, 2017, 03:23:50 AM »

This is hard topic for me to answer, because she said that it was me who was ruining her vacations. I dont agree with that completely as i did enjoy our vacations together, but i admit that there were times when i felt quite frustrated. Im not so outgoing, im introvert and there were times when i felt i had to just run after her. She was so fast going there and there and there, but i wanted more time to just lay under the sun. I suppose we were just so different.
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« Reply #43 on: July 13, 2017, 05:55:25 AM »

Happenedtome, that is how they project. Xw always told me I ruined everything. It plays havoc with our normal brains. That's how they keep us off balance all the time. They shoot so many things at us that we do wrong or what is wrong with us that our normal brains are in a constant state of processing.
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« Reply #44 on: May 11, 2021, 03:27:29 AM »

After being in therapy for a while and after we had broken up.
My ex was dropping me off at my house. About a mile away, I asked if she could drop me off at the grocery story about half a block from my place.
She flipped, then explained how she was uncomfortable with changes in plans.
To an extent, this explains vacations. It might also explain why you would never want to be in a relationship with someone so volatile. Fact is, life changes regardless of plans (unless you have the talent to dictate weather).
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« Reply #45 on: May 15, 2021, 02:34:54 PM »

It was unpredictable, but I expected trouble every time we went and vacation and often got that. Our last vacation as a family had a particularly bad blow-up that shattered the experience for us.

A year later the teens and I went alone to visit where my side of the family came from because we hadn't been in over a decade. It was amazingly stress-free and relaxing. We found that he felt abandoned when we came home and couldn't talk about it when he was around. Later they commented that I was far more collaborative and low-key on trips than he was. I was very happy at times to just sit and chat in a nice setting for awhile which is something my ex didn't do.

We haven't been able to travel because of finances and the pandemic, but hopefully later this year. 
 
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« Reply #46 on: May 16, 2021, 07:15:42 AM »

We don't have holidays. Last trip was a bus ride to see her online friend, a person running an online calligraphy shop.
My wife doesn't ruin events, she ruins me socially at those events.
What she does depends on the audience and whether we know them or not.
Flinching, jumping, and cringing as if she's scared of imminent violence - I've never been violent with her and have no history of violence.
Loudly and fearfully asking for permission for things like going to the bathroom, getting another drink, or using the phone.
Acting out like a hooker. She couldn't be further from that in real life.
Remembering fake events designed to embarrass and loudly recounting them.
That was in the early days. We've been married 15 years. Now we have absolutely no social life; it's pointless even trying.
If and when I develop my own, separate circle of friends, she finds them and destroys it. This includes workplaces, takeaway food places,  corner shops, supermarkets, neighbours, contacts on social media platforms, any and every place I can find respite.
So  I don't mention now where I go, who I see, where I work, or what I've been doing, which empowers her attacks at home, but gives me another place to visit on occasion.
My vacations are now a visit to a shop across town that she doesn't know I frequent and where I've built a pleasant presence.
There are no shared events beyond random local outdoor market shopping trips she wants me to go along on, and on which she pours scorn if I don't argue the prices, or take interest in negotiating or haggling.
I found "Walking on Eggshells" displayed frequently through my Facebook feed, so downloaded it and read it in parts.
It's taken 15 years to find this?
What a waste.
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« Reply #47 on: May 16, 2021, 08:31:44 PM »

Count me in. I took her on vacation one time and she was sulking and not enjoying herself. She was wandering off doing her own thing, did not want to talk to me, etc. I finally decided to ask what was the matter. I was told I didn't hold her hand.

Other vacations were not particularly enjoyable either, as she always seemed stressed out and distant. It was ok for her to interact with strangers, but if I so much as breathed a word to a woman it would trigger her and she would fall apart.

One time I was talking to a gal and her mother briefly, regarding business, and my ex was sulking off by herself. When I rejoined her she was like a petulant child. I asked what was wrong and she said "it looks like you've found my replacement." I was shocked and speechless. In hindsight, I wish I would have said "if only I was so lucky."
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« Reply #48 on: May 19, 2021, 02:46:50 PM »

So much of this resonates.  Prior to "I do" we could get up and go places and it would be good.  After, it was a tug of war to get her to participate in the same things.  Shouldn't have to get up early, shouldn't have to do this or do that, no no no... despite the fact that when it's something she wants to do all of that goes away.  I quit trying unless it's necessary.  Several years ago on a long road trip we stopped to visit a very good friend of mine, who she likes.  Three of us standing there having a nice chat and out of nowhere, "He doesn't want me here because he hates me."  I was mortified.  At the time I didn't.  It's a self-fulfilling prophecy because now I look for ways to not take her.

What I do run into is that every year or two there is an event that I like to do where she wouldn't go so I pair up with a friend.  I give plenty of advance notice, make sure my chores are done, and it's even fairly local and only about four days.  I get told, "You work hard, you should go, you deserve it" and then, without fail, as soon as I get back it's trouble.  The blessing is gone.  I should have stayed.  I should have spent time with the kids (my kids get a lot of time with me).  The last time I went I got ambushed.  She knew the itinerary and on the second or third day she intercepted the group at one of the stops.  Her intent was that I drop my friend, upend his plans, and figure out a way back to the hotel for myself.  Very unfair to my friend as this thing is generally done in pairs.  This was all very spur of the moment, I told her how it works, my time was up, and I had to go (there was a schedule). There was absolute hell to pay for that.  I can't escape it even when I do escape it.

By contrast, wherever she wants to go on her own, whatever she wants to do, I do not deny her.  Everyone needs their time away and, frankly, I want her gone.  In advance of whatever she wants to do she'll tell people that I'm an ogre, that I'll put up roadblocks to her going, all sorts of negative stuff that is completely untrue and does not ever happen.  I guess it allows her to play both victim and the victor when she shows up to where she's supposed to be.           
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« Reply #49 on: May 20, 2021, 12:04:58 AM »

oh man.! all this sounds so familiar...!
when we went on a vacation once, he wanted to take a picture of the sunset, and he setup his tripod and everything and my 4 year old needed to go potty.. boy oh boy was he upset. he yelled at me and yelled at the kids because his "moment" was spoilt.
or at family reunions, someone is ALWAYS "belittling him" or "showing him disrespect" or "micromanaging" him. Is it for attention, because I love to spend time with family.. so is he trying to keep my focus on him.. IDK..
every single vacation, we have a some kind of "event" where he is throwing a full blown tantrum or sulking or walking and doing things by himself..
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« Reply #50 on: May 20, 2021, 04:52:09 AM »

Absolutely nearly every occasion holiday cannot go smoothly.

And this entitlement complex.

We drove several hours to visit a castle. We arrived early and they were not ready to let us into the car park.

Well - this was not good enough! As we have driven so far and arrived first - we should be let in.

No sorry - we cant do that - you will have to wait for the staff and the opening time.

My ex wife picked up a piece of chalk from the roadside and wrote out on the approach road a slogan to the effect that the castle does not welcome visitors.

The staff saw this and called the police. A police car arrived and we were asked to leave the complex.

Many many incidents of this type over the years and blow ups and rages over nothing ruined birthdays etc - thank goodness I am now free.

I truly sympathise with those of you who are still living with this.
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« Reply #51 on: May 20, 2021, 04:54:09 PM »

Yes. I can sympathize. I have had many vacations ruined because of my BPDW.  We were on a really nice vacation in the NE US on the shore. The community was very beautiful and it was such a fun quaint place. There was a small thrift shop my wife wanted to peek into. She had been drinking and the bathroom was in the changing room where people could try on clothes. I was waiting outside and she stormed out the door saying they were rude because the changing room was occupied and she was not allowed to use the restroom. She got mad at me for not confronting the store owner and the last day of our trip was ruined. She wouldn't speak to me and it was an awful fight.

Another time she got so mad about there being hair on the tile floor in the bathroom and insisted I tell the property owner to have it cleaned again. Needless to say we were asked not to rent the beach house ever again.

Another time we were are the beach and she was cursing at me and calling me names to the point where a man walked up and asked her to stop because there were children around. Then she was upset with me for allowing that man to speak to her in that manner.  She insisted we pack up and drive home. We got 30 minutes from home and she started crying and saying she wanted to go back. It was AWFUL.

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« Reply #52 on: May 21, 2021, 02:05:02 AM »

My BPD wife has ruined every vacation we have ever taken.  I am lying awake now at 3 o'clock in the morning after enduring six straight hours of abuse; ostensibly because she felt my car was not clean enough- and this was on our wedding anniversary.  It has been the same the night before every vacation for the entire sixteen years of our marriage.  I wish I could say that there was a happy exception to this but there is not.  I just end up feeling exhausted and suicidal every time.  Sorry to be so negative but I can't take this anymore.
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« Reply #53 on: May 21, 2021, 07:59:25 AM »

Yes. I can sympathize. I have had many vacations ruined because of my BPDW.  We were on a really nice vacation in the NE US on the shore. The community was very beautiful and it was such a fun quaint place. There was a small thrift shop my wife wanted to peek into. She had been drinking and the bathroom was in the changing room where people could try on clothes. I was waiting outside and she stormed out the door saying they were rude because the changing room was occupied and she was not allowed to use the restroom. She got mad at me for not confronting the store owner and the last day of our trip was ruined. She wouldn't speak to me and it was an awful fight.

Another time she got so mad about there being hair on the tile floor in the bathroom and insisted I tell the property owner to have it cleaned again. Needless to say we were asked not to rent the beach house ever again.

Another time we were are the beach and she was cursing at me and calling me names to the point where a man walked up and asked her to stop because there were children around. Then she was upset with me for allowing that man to speak to her in that manner.  She insisted we pack up and drive home. We got 30 minutes from home and she started crying and saying she wanted to go back. It was AWFUL.



Goodness me - sounds so much like what I have endured. This "You go and put that store owner in his place! Protect your wife!"

Yes I have been through that many times. I have even put the baffled store owner in his place just to placate her.

What can I say - I am out now (after 20 years of it) - you can do it too.
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« Reply #54 on: May 21, 2021, 08:02:51 AM »

So much of this resonates.  Prior to "I do" we could get up and go places and it would be good.  After, it was a tug of war to get her to participate in the same things.  Shouldn't have to get up early, shouldn't have to do this or do that, no no no... despite the fact that when it's something she wants to do all of that goes away.  I quit trying unless it's necessary.  Several years ago on a long road trip we stopped to visit a very good friend of mine, who she likes.  Three of us standing there having a nice chat and out of nowhere, "He doesn't want me here because he hates me."  I was mortified.  At the time I didn't.  It's a self-fulfilling prophecy because now I look for ways to not take her.

What I do run into is that every year or two there is an event that I like to do where she wouldn't go so I pair up with a friend.  I give plenty of advance notice, make sure my chores are done, and it's even fairly local and only about four days.  I get told, "You work hard, you should go, you deserve it" and then, without fail, as soon as I get back it's trouble.  The blessing is gone.  I should have stayed.  I should have spent time with the kids (my kids get a lot of time with me).  The last time I went I got ambushed.  She knew the itinerary and on the second or third day she intercepted the group at one of the stops.  Her intent was that I drop my friend, upend his plans, and figure out a way back to the hotel for myself.  Very unfair to my friend as this thing is generally done in pairs.  This was all very spur of the moment, I told her how it works, my time was up, and I had to go (there was a schedule). There was absolute hell to pay for that.  I can't escape it even when I do escape it.

By contrast, wherever she wants to go on her own, whatever she wants to do, I do not deny her.  Everyone needs their time away and, frankly, I want her gone.  In advance of whatever she wants to do she'll tell people that I'm an ogre, that I'll put up roadblocks to her going, all sorts of negative stuff that is completely untrue and does not ever happen.  I guess it allows her to play both victim and the victor when she shows up to where she's supposed to be.           

Yes this resonates - give a gift then trash it.

She used to say to me - go and have a lie down you look tired. Then after 10 minutes dozing "everybody's doing their work and guess who is lying on his bed! No wonder we never have enough money!"
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« Reply #55 on: May 21, 2021, 11:16:28 PM »

Yes this resonates - give a gift then trash it.

She used to say to me - go and have a lie down you look tired. Then after 10 minutes dozing "everybody's doing their work and guess who is lying on his bed! No wonder we never have enough money!"

I call that: "Setting up the pins so she can knock them down".

Not quite a vacation, but I had to travel over 1,000 miles away to take care of some personal business.  It was a trip planned a couple of weeks in advance.  I'm self-employed so maintaining cash flow and keeping things billed is a constant juggling act, but I had everything in order to pay ourselves and enough to meet all of our obligations.  Before I left I made clear that whatever checks I needed to write to pay ourselves for the month needed to be done before I left because once gone there was nothing I could do to transfer money while on the road.  This is the same scenario we have done month-after-month for years since I’m self-employeed and she pays the household bills.  I had to repeat and repeat this before going, her hanging this on me immediately before I have to leave when she had ample time to do it in advance.  She finally gets me a total, I write the checks, and I’m gone.  No sooner than I get down there, I’m in the thick of everything and she calls to tell me that the checks weren’t for enough and bills were due tomorrow without a way to pay them.  This was before I was savvy to why these things were happening and I just exploded.  There was absolutely nothing I could do from there and I made that clear before I left.  Her excuse was she knew how much we really needed (so she lied to me), but if she had told me I would have gotten mad (condemning me for something I had not, or would not have, done) and that she could not deal with that.  I pointed out to her that she knew that doing what she did guaranteed that I would be mad, so keeping me from getting mad was not anything she was trying to avoid.  Since she lied before I left, she weaponized the whole thing to make me mad at a time when she could inflict the most damage.  Looking back, I should have just said, "You deliberately created this situation, sort it out" and hung up on her.

She set up the pins and she knocked them down.
      
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« Reply #56 on: May 21, 2021, 11:17:28 PM »

Duplicate post deleted.
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« Reply #57 on: May 22, 2021, 06:55:59 AM »

I call that: "Setting up the pins so she can knock them down".

Not quite a vacation, but I had to travel over 1,000 miles away to take care of some personal business.  It was a trip planned a couple of weeks in advance.  I'm self-employed so maintaining cash flow and keeping things billed is a constant juggling act, but I had everything in order to pay ourselves and enough to meet all of our obligations.  Before I left I made clear that whatever checks I needed to write to pay ourselves for the month needed to be done before I left because once gone there was nothing I could do to transfer money while on the road.  This is the same scenario we have done month-after-month for years since I’m self-employeed and she pays the household bills.  I had to repeat and repeat this before going, her hanging this on me immediately before I have to leave when she had ample time to do it in advance.  She finally gets me a total, I write the checks, and I’m gone.  No sooner than I get down there, I’m in the thick of everything and she calls to tell me that the checks weren’t for enough and bills were due tomorrow without a way to pay them.  This was before I was savvy to why these things were happening and I just exploded.  There was absolutely nothing I could do from there and I made that clear before I left.  Her excuse was she knew how much we really needed (so she lied to me), but if she had told me I would have gotten mad (condemning me for something I had not, or would not have, done) and that she could not deal with that.  I pointed out to her that she knew that doing what she did guaranteed that I would be mad, so keeping me from getting mad was not anything she was trying to avoid.  Since she lied before I left, she weaponized the whole thing to make me mad at a time when she could inflict the most damage.  Looking back, I should have just said, "You deliberately created this situation, sort it out" and hung up on her.

She set up the pins and she knocked them down.
      

Sounds like when she tells me she is going shopping for a medium item - say a coat for our son. She buys it - then says its no good. Why is it no good? Because you are always complaining we spend too much money. Lets go out and buy another and pay for a good one.

So we end up spending even more.

It looks like she has already planned the conflict in advance by setting up a guaranteed fail and blame.
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« Reply #58 on: May 22, 2021, 09:24:58 AM »

Sounds like when she tells me she is going shopping for a medium item - say a coat for our son. She buys it - then says its no good. Why is it no good? Because you are always complaining we spend too much money. Lets go out and buy another and pay for a good one.

So we end up spending even more.

It looks like she has already planned the conflict in advance by setting up a guaranteed fail and blame.

Here is my question (sorry if this is considered veering off the topic of vacation but it seems appropriate to ask):  we have two examples of this type of conflict that takes planning.  In my case, just one of many.  Not a "heat of the moment" sort of thing.  Not an instant reaction to something she didn't take the time to process sort of thing.  It really is a lie.

I've seen in several places that lying is not one of the criteria for BPD.  What this seems to me is a lack of conscience.  In my case she could have thought about it for a day and said, "This thing I've planned is wrong.  I'm just going to say I made a mistake and take the heat." but that doesn't happen.  Same with your coat.  She could have thought better about it on the way home and decided to return it.  In each case the mission was planned and fully executed beginning-to-end.  

A miscalculated response in the heat of the moment I can accept more readily (we're all human, we all make mistakes) but this long range planning and laying-in-wait stuff with the express purpose of causing harm is just plain evil to me.  Is this still BPD or something separate tacked on to it?

  
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« Reply #59 on: May 22, 2021, 11:52:17 AM »

Anybody asking this question hasn't been around the forums on a December 20-30 timeframe, heh - yikes.

Notice my own December registration date ;)
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« Reply #60 on: May 30, 2021, 07:31:26 AM »

My stbxw consistently started arguments at the outset of our traditional summer trip.  We'd go to the same place each year - a place she's been visiting her entire life - and she would consistently start an argument at the same place each year - at the highway exit.

For a time, I thought it was about anxiety - there are 3 different ways to the destination, and she is horrible with navigation, even though she's been going to this place for almost 50 years. The preferred route changes depending on road conditions / repairs / detours, but we always know in advance which way to go, so the anxiety explanation doesn't entirely fit.

The arguments could be about anything.  Her father doesn't care about her (because he recently did something for her sister).  I favor our middle kid (because I recently disciplined one of our other kids).  Her boss is a misogynist (most of the senior management team is female).  Always something demonstrably false. 

Last summer I decided to try to preempt the pattern.  I discussed the route in advance, and suggested that we make an effort to avoid conflict en route.  "What are you talking about?"  So I threw caution to the wind and summarized the topics of discussion from the prior 4 years.  She denied any of it ever happened, but we actually had a conflict-free outbound trip that year.
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« Reply #61 on: June 01, 2021, 07:25:45 PM »

Mine would ruin vacations by literally cancelling the entire booking.
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