Do pwBPD typically ruin vacations and events?

[Portent]

Fundamentally vacations are stressful and part of BPD is non-functioning stress regulation. Vacations bring out full on BPD.

[SummerStorm]

My BPD friend (24 years old) just spent two weeks on vacation, visiting her mom and step-dad in California.  Things seemed to be going really well, especially on Mother's Day.  So, I e-mailed her mom and told her I was glad to see that everyone was having a nice time.  Her mom's reply?  "Nope, she's turned into a b___h again."  She told her mother she was stupid, spent her last full day there locked in her room, and spent most of her time Skyping with her boyfriend. 

When I have a day off or when I go somewhere, she always comes up with some kind of drama, to put the attention back on her.  Sometimes, instead of drama, it's a picture of her going somewhere, as if she has to one up me or something. 

So, to answer the original question, yes, they can definitely ruin vacations and events. 

[Lakebreeze]

Yep, my husband does. And he also blows up every Christmas and Thanksgiving and Birthday... .his, mine, the kids. Easter. Is there anything left? He even had a fit over my brothers funeral. He didn't feel he was getting enough attention. Does this ever get better? Any ideas?

[Nordrhein]

I must admit, finally one topic I laughed about. No wonder it has so many views, it has obviously struck a chord with most of us! Omg. Needless to say, most experiences here - ditto with my dHBPD. For the first couple of years we were together I just couldn't figure it out (along with all the other BPD stuff, obviously). He was so attentive at home, seemed to LOVE spending time with me, we were together 24/7 and seemed like having such a good time with each other. As long as that was lying on the couch, watching TV, not doing anything - god forbid - different!
Step outside the house with him to do anything - MAJOR shift in behaviour! Like you dropped him in a tropical rainforest in the middle of the night, blindfolded. Anxiety on MAX!
Just couldn't relax and enjoy the moment, wherever we went, whatever we would do. Along with my - absolute pet hate - the walking way in front of me, or just wandering off without letting me know where he was going, or just letting me know with his whole being how bored or not interested he was in anything I wanted to do.
And if I said anything - silence treatment, of course. Misery, misery!
It used to hurt me so much, I had been a single mom prior to meeting him and holidays would very often be on my own with just my son at the time, which was great, but it's not so much fun when you only do kids' stuff all the time. So I thought - oh great, finally I can share a good time with another adult, a SO at that, you know, pictures of a couple laughing together on the beach somewhere, cocktails in hand, having a great time together... .Yeah, well - didn't quite happen.

I would also gave him the opportunity to choose, but - he didn't really want to go anywhere, do anything and if we did go - he would just put such a damper on everything, you just wanted to get home, get out of the toxic car atmosphere, let him go off to his ''sulking corner'' and not see him for a week afterwards!

Now - I just don't really care any more, nor do I have any wish to plan anything with him. I go where I want to go and I breathe and take the experience in without a million worries about how to make this ''unbearable pain'' of a family trip easier on him or when he would lose it and go into the silent mode, or... .I enjoy trips with my kids more than ever and we are having so much more fun when Mr. Dark Cloud On a Perfectly Sunny Day is not there!

Seriously, what is with that? Don't think I've read anything specifically on the possible reasons for such dislike of holidays/traveling with BPDs, but would love to know!

[toomanydogs]

Like Nordrhein, this thread made me laugh out loud. I had always thought my husband was the only one. Let me tell you what he does on vacation:

We went out of town for my birthday and our anniversary:

1) He left me in the room, then went on Facebook and posted that I had abandoned him in the middle of downtown Phoenix, in a seedy part of town, with no money and no way to get back to the hotel. Because he also has a neurological condition that can leave him confused, I reported him missing to hotel security. I found him myself sitting by an elevator, taking selfies.

2) He told the bellman he was a famous author (he's not) and when the bellman asked what he'd written, he quickly changed the subject.

I went away without him (after first asking him to go), and while I was away, he blocked all communication--text, phone, even Facebook--until two days before I came home, at which point, he announced that at midnight, someone (and it looked a lot like a mutual friend, he said) broke into the house and apparently beat him because when he came to, his glasses were broken, and he had a scratch near his eye. Nobody had beaten him up, and when I told him that in the future if someone breaks in, he needed to call 9-1-1.

Just went away again without him, and then he plays the "pity" card, asking plaintively why I hadn't wanted him with me. I told him that for ten years, I'd been asking him to go places with him, but he always turned me down, and I've given up.

We can't go out to eat because he becomes overly tired and stretches out on the booth.

Not only does he not take part in holidays--Christmas and the like--he seems to actively try to sabotage them by going into crisis.

I now, unless he's bleeding profusely or having a true heart attack, ignore him. Tell him, 'gee, that's too bad,' and move on.

[Lalathegreat]

Man oh man... .YUUUUUUUUUUUP.

In April I spent 5 days over spring break with my ex and his son on the OR coast. It was a nightmare from beginning to end. I spent a large part of it cowering in the bathroom with my phone posting here and trying to survive. During our time there he was constantly fighting and arguing - weaving a path of destruction that included his glasses (which he snapped in half) and several shirts he tore off himself in rage. The final night he threatened to buy me a bus ticket and leave me there. In retrospect that would have been far preferrable to the hell that was the 6 hour drive home. I have never experienced anything so horrific and hope never to again.

Additionally, he was set off by most big events... .a bear through the entire Christmas season, Thanksgiving, my birthday, his son's birthday (which occurred on the above mentioned trip, sigh), mother's day... .

I look back at the pattern and shake my head. I'd take that bet every time... .
 

[roberto516]

It's odd but I feel like I was the one who ruined holidays and vacations. I remember going camping with her family and I flat out told her "I'm not going to know a lot of people so I am probably going to be shy." Her response was "Well you should have told me sooner and I would not have brought you." And I was shy but in smaller groups I was very social with her family. She didn't really see that and then she slept in another family members tent the last night because I had spoken to some stranger during a walk and not her family. Which made me very upset that I had to sleep alone in the tent.

I remember her birthday and I didn't go to her grandmom's with her and they had a cake for her etc. I do feel bad about that and I can't remember why I didn't go (I think I was just tired). But then I took her out to a bar that night which I really can't stand (the real "tool" crowd of people) and I said something like "You know I must really love you if I'm going to this place with you." She took that really defensively which I guess she had a right too.

But other holidays were alright for the most part. In hindsight, especially the camping story, I feel like I did what I could by communicating to her. I remember the next day we were eating and she said "I want you to stop being quiet." So I did. I just faked it to make her happy. But that in and of itself showed that my feelings really didn't matter to her. Sorry for the rant but this stuff just kinda came up in my head.

[jambley]

From experience, yes one holiday in particular. But it doesn't matter now. The less details I remember of some things, the greater clarity I can see the relationship for what it was and patterns of behaviour.

Distancing yourself can give you better perspective. Anyone agree?

[Roselily]

Hi Alex!

From my experience, yes they do! Holidays, birthdays and vacations! Then will spin it... and say it's the other persons fault... Blamers they are!

[ortac77]

Like others enjoyed reading this thread, not sure I laughed but certainly identified. Guess its rooted in FEAR, mine certainly does panic a bit and as a result behaves in very unpredictable ways, usually after too much alcohol. We tend to go on cruises now - big ships - plenty of space and a chance for me to do my own thing.

[bus boy]

In my case, special occations were always horrible. It was always her family and as our r/s progressed the worse she got. I dreaded Xmas, Easter, thanksgiving, every special event. If I wanted to spend time with my family Xw would get in a rage. Xw and her sister went into a syco rage and threatened me with physical violence from my bro in law and father in law when I suggested to Xw that I would like to visit my family one Xmas eve. One time she went into a crazy crying fit, saying I ruined her bday, that it was the worse bday ever and how ignorant I was because she didn't like the way I gave her her flowers. But of course Xw says none of this ever happened and would look at me and say "I don't know what your talking about."

[Fr4nz]

Just wondering if there is any connection between BPD and how fun activities or vacations play out.

In my case, yes. She ruined me 1 wedding attendance, 2 New Years, and many other events; the main problem with her was alcohol -- this was really a constant throughout the story. Basically, things were going fine until she passed a certain "alcoholic threshold": after that, in 90% of cases there was a terrible alcoholic rage.

[happendtome]

This is hard topic for me to answer, because she said that it was me who was ruining her vacations. I dont agree with that completely as i did enjoy our vacations together, but i admit that there were times when i felt quite frustrated. Im not so outgoing, im introvert and there were times when i felt i had to just run after her. She was so fast going there and there and there, but i wanted more time to just lay under the sun. I suppose we were just so different.

[bus boy]

Happenedtome, that is how they project. Xw always told me I ruined everything. It plays havoc with our normal brains. That's how they keep us off balance all the time. They shoot so many things at us that we do wrong or what is wrong with us that our normal brains are in a constant state of processing.

[naguma]

After being in therapy for a while and after we had broken up.
My ex was dropping me off at my house. About a mile away, I asked if she could drop me off at the grocery story about half a block from my place.
She flipped, then explained how she was uncomfortable with changes in plans.
To an extent, this explains vacations. It might also explain why you would never want to be in a relationship with someone so volatile. Fact is, life changes regardless of plans (unless you have the talent to dictate weather).

[MeandThee29]

It was unpredictable, but I expected trouble every time we went and vacation and often got that. Our last vacation as a family had a particularly bad blow-up that shattered the experience for us.

A year later the teens and I went alone to visit where my side of the family came from because we hadn't been in over a decade. It was amazingly stress-free and relaxing. We found that he felt abandoned when we came home and couldn't talk about it when he was around. Later they commented that I was far more collaborative and low-key on trips than he was. I was very happy at times to just sit and chat in a nice setting for awhile which is something my ex didn't do.

We haven't been able to travel because of finances and the pandemic, but hopefully later this year. 
 

[Red22]

We don't have holidays. Last trip was a bus ride to see her online friend, a person running an online calligraphy shop.
My wife doesn't ruin events, she ruins me socially at those events.
What she does depends on the audience and whether we know them or not.
Flinching, jumping, and cringing as if she's scared of imminent violence - I've never been violent with her and have no history of violence.
Loudly and fearfully asking for permission for things like going to the bathroom, getting another drink, or using the phone.
Acting out like a hooker. She couldn't be further from that in real life.
Remembering fake events designed to embarrass and loudly recounting them.
That was in the early days. We've been married 15 years. Now we have absolutely no social life; it's pointless even trying.
If and when I develop my own, separate circle of friends, she finds them and destroys it. This includes workplaces, takeaway food places,  corner shops, supermarkets, neighbours, contacts on social media platforms, any and every place I can find respite.
So  I don't mention now where I go, who I see, where I work, or what I've been doing, which empowers her attacks at home, but gives me another place to visit on occasion.
My vacations are now a visit to a shop across town that she doesn't know I frequent and where I've built a pleasant presence.
There are no shared events beyond random local outdoor market shopping trips she wants me to go along on, and on which she pours scorn if I don't argue the prices, or take interest in negotiating or haggling.
I found "Walking on Eggshells" displayed frequently through my Facebook feed, so downloaded it and read it in parts.
It's taken 15 years to find this?
What a waste.

[crushedagain]

Count me in. I took her on vacation one time and she was sulking and not enjoying herself. She was wandering off doing her own thing, did not want to talk to me, etc. I finally decided to ask what was the matter. I was told I didn't hold her hand.

Other vacations were not particularly enjoyable either, as she always seemed stressed out and distant. It was ok for her to interact with strangers, but if I so much as breathed a word to a woman it would trigger her and she would fall apart.

One time I was talking to a gal and her mother briefly, regarding business, and my ex was sulking off by herself. When I rejoined her she was like a petulant child. I asked what was wrong and she said "it looks like you've found my replacement." I was shocked and speechless. In hindsight, I wish I would have said "if only I was so lucky."

[Couper]

So much of this resonates.  Prior to "I do" we could get up and go places and it would be good.  After, it was a tug of war to get her to participate in the same things.  Shouldn't have to get up early, shouldn't have to do this or do that, no no no... despite the fact that when it's something she wants to do all of that goes away.  I quit trying unless it's necessary.  Several years ago on a long road trip we stopped to visit a very good friend of mine, who she likes.  Three of us standing there having a nice chat and out of nowhere, "He doesn't want me here because he hates me."  I was mortified.  At the time I didn't.  It's a self-fulfilling prophecy because now I look for ways to not take her.

What I do run into is that every year or two there is an event that I like to do where she wouldn't go so I pair up with a friend.  I give plenty of advance notice, make sure my chores are done, and it's even fairly local and only about four days.  I get told, "You work hard, you should go, you deserve it" and then, without fail, as soon as I get back it's trouble.  The blessing is gone.  I should have stayed.  I should have spent time with the kids (my kids get a lot of time with me).  The last time I went I got ambushed.  She knew the itinerary and on the second or third day she intercepted the group at one of the stops.  Her intent was that I drop my friend, upend his plans, and figure out a way back to the hotel for myself.  Very unfair to my friend as this thing is generally done in pairs.  This was all very spur of the moment, I told her how it works, my time was up, and I had to go (there was a schedule). There was absolute hell to pay for that.  I can't escape it even when I do escape it.

By contrast, wherever she wants to go on her own, whatever she wants to do, I do not deny her.  Everyone needs their time away and, frankly, I want her gone.  In advance of whatever she wants to do she'll tell people that I'm an ogre, that I'll put up roadblocks to her going, all sorts of negative stuff that is completely untrue and does not ever happen.  I guess it allows her to play both victim and the victor when she shows up to where she's supposed to be.           

[wish_list]

oh man.! all this sounds so familiar...!
when we went on a vacation once, he wanted to take a picture of the sunset, and he setup his tripod and everything and my 4 year old needed to go potty.. boy oh boy was he upset. he yelled at me and yelled at the kids because his "moment" was spoilt.
or at family reunions, someone is ALWAYS "belittling him" or "showing him disrespect" or "micromanaging" him. Is it for attention, because I love to spend time with family.. so is he trying to keep my focus on him.. IDK..
every single vacation, we have a some kind of "event" where he is throwing a full blown tantrum or sulking or walking and doing things by himself..

[MrRight]

Absolutely nearly every occasion holiday cannot go smoothly.

And this entitlement complex.

We drove several hours to visit a castle. We arrived early and they were not ready to let us into the car park.

Well - this was not good enough! As we have driven so far and arrived first - we should be let in.

No sorry - we cant do that - you will have to wait for the staff and the opening time.

My ex wife picked up a piece of chalk from the roadside and wrote out on the approach road a slogan to the effect that the castle does not welcome visitors.

The staff saw this and called the police. A police car arrived and we were asked to leave the complex.

Many many incidents of this type over the years and blow ups and rages over nothing ruined birthdays etc - thank goodness I am now free.

I truly sympathise with those of you who are still living with this.

[Rex31807]

Yes. I can sympathize. I have had many vacations ruined because of my BPDW.  We were on a really nice vacation in the NE US on the shore. The community was very beautiful and it was such a fun quaint place. There was a small thrift shop my wife wanted to peek into. She had been drinking and the bathroom was in the changing room where people could try on clothes. I was waiting outside and she stormed out the door saying they were rude because the changing room was occupied and she was not allowed to use the restroom. She got mad at me for not confronting the store owner and the last day of our trip was ruined. She wouldn't speak to me and it was an awful fight.

Another time she got so mad about there being hair on the tile floor in the bathroom and insisted I tell the property owner to have it cleaned again. Needless to say we were asked not to rent the beach house ever again.

Another time we were are the beach and she was cursing at me and calling me names to the point where a man walked up and asked her to stop because there were children around. Then she was upset with me for allowing that man to speak to her in that manner.  She insisted we pack up and drive home. We got 30 minutes from home and she started crying and saying she wanted to go back. It was AWFUL.

[Mr. Irrelevant]

My BPD wife has ruined every vacation we have ever taken.  I am lying awake now at 3 o'clock in the morning after enduring six straight hours of abuse; ostensibly because she felt my car was not clean enough- and this was on our wedding anniversary.  It has been the same the night before every vacation for the entire sixteen years of our marriage.  I wish I could say that there was a happy exception to this but there is not.  I just end up feeling exhausted and suicidal every time.  Sorry to be so negative but I can't take this anymore.

[MrRight]

Yes. I can sympathize. I have had many vacations ruined because of my BPDW.  We were on a really nice vacation in the NE US on the shore. The community was very beautiful and it was such a fun quaint place. There was a small thrift shop my wife wanted to peek into. She had been drinking and the bathroom was in the changing room where people could try on clothes. I was waiting outside and she stormed out the door saying they were rude because the changing room was occupied and she was not allowed to use the restroom. She got mad at me for not confronting the store owner and the last day of our trip was ruined. She wouldn't speak to me and it was an awful fight.

Another time she got so mad about there being hair on the tile floor in the bathroom and insisted I tell the property owner to have it cleaned again. Needless to say we were asked not to rent the beach house ever again.

Another time we were are the beach and she was cursing at me and calling me names to the point where a man walked up and asked her to stop because there were children around. Then she was upset with me for allowing that man to speak to her in that manner.  She insisted we pack up and drive home. We got 30 minutes from home and she started crying and saying she wanted to go back. It was AWFUL.

Goodness me - sounds so much like what I have endured. This "You go and put that store owner in his place! Protect your wife!"

Yes I have been through that many times. I have even put the baffled store owner in his place just to placate her.

What can I say - I am out now (after 20 years of it) - you can do it too.

[MrRight]

So much of this resonates.  Prior to "I do" we could get up and go places and it would be good.  After, it was a tug of war to get her to participate in the same things.  Shouldn't have to get up early, shouldn't have to do this or do that, no no no... despite the fact that when it's something she wants to do all of that goes away.  I quit trying unless it's necessary.  Several years ago on a long road trip we stopped to visit a very good friend of mine, who she likes.  Three of us standing there having a nice chat and out of nowhere, "He doesn't want me here because he hates me."  I was mortified.  At the time I didn't.  It's a self-fulfilling prophecy because now I look for ways to not take her.

What I do run into is that every year or two there is an event that I like to do where she wouldn't go so I pair up with a friend.  I give plenty of advance notice, make sure my chores are done, and it's even fairly local and only about four days.  I get told, "You work hard, you should go, you deserve it" and then, without fail, as soon as I get back it's trouble.  The blessing is gone.  I should have stayed.  I should have spent time with the kids (my kids get a lot of time with me).  The last time I went I got ambushed.  She knew the itinerary and on the second or third day she intercepted the group at one of the stops.  Her intent was that I drop my friend, upend his plans, and figure out a way back to the hotel for myself.  Very unfair to my friend as this thing is generally done in pairs.  This was all very spur of the moment, I told her how it works, my time was up, and I had to go (there was a schedule). There was absolute hell to pay for that.  I can't escape it even when I do escape it.

By contrast, wherever she wants to go on her own, whatever she wants to do, I do not deny her.  Everyone needs their time away and, frankly, I want her gone.  In advance of whatever she wants to do she'll tell people that I'm an ogre, that I'll put up roadblocks to her going, all sorts of negative stuff that is completely untrue and does not ever happen.  I guess it allows her to play both victim and the victor when she shows up to where she's supposed to be.           

Yes this resonates - give a gift then trash it.

She used to say to me - go and have a lie down you look tired. Then after 10 minutes dozing "everybody's doing their work and guess who is lying on his bed! No wonder we never have enough money!"

[Couper]

Yes this resonates - give a gift then trash it.

She used to say to me - go and have a lie down you look tired. Then after 10 minutes dozing "everybody's doing their work and guess who is lying on his bed! No wonder we never have enough money!"

I call that: "Setting up the pins so she can knock them down".

Not quite a vacation, but I had to travel over 1,000 miles away to take care of some personal business.  It was a trip planned a couple of weeks in advance.  I'm self-employed so maintaining cash flow and keeping things billed is a constant juggling act, but I had everything in order to pay ourselves and enough to meet all of our obligations.  Before I left I made clear that whatever checks I needed to write to pay ourselves for the month needed to be done before I left because once gone there was nothing I could do to transfer money while on the road.  This is the same scenario we have done month-after-month for years since I’m self-employeed and she pays the household bills.  I had to repeat and repeat this before going, her hanging this on me immediately before I have to leave when she had ample time to do it in advance.  She finally gets me a total, I write the checks, and I’m gone.  No sooner than I get down there, I’m in the thick of everything and she calls to tell me that the checks weren’t for enough and bills were due tomorrow without a way to pay them.  This was before I was savvy to why these things were happening and I just exploded.  There was absolutely nothing I could do from there and I made that clear before I left.  Her excuse was she knew how much we really needed (so she lied to me), but if she had told me I would have gotten mad (condemning me for something I had not, or would not have, done) and that she could not deal with that.  I pointed out to her that she knew that doing what she did guaranteed that I would be mad, so keeping me from getting mad was not anything she was trying to avoid.  Since she lied before I left, she weaponized the whole thing to make me mad at a time when she could inflict the most damage.  Looking back, I should have just said, "You deliberately created this situation, sort it out" and hung up on her.

She set up the pins and she knocked them down.
      

[Couper]

Duplicate post deleted.

[MrRight]

I call that: "Setting up the pins so she can knock them down".

Not quite a vacation, but I had to travel over 1,000 miles away to take care of some personal business.  It was a trip planned a couple of weeks in advance.  I'm self-employed so maintaining cash flow and keeping things billed is a constant juggling act, but I had everything in order to pay ourselves and enough to meet all of our obligations.  Before I left I made clear that whatever checks I needed to write to pay ourselves for the month needed to be done before I left because once gone there was nothing I could do to transfer money while on the road.  This is the same scenario we have done month-after-month for years since I’m self-employeed and she pays the household bills.  I had to repeat and repeat this before going, her hanging this on me immediately before I have to leave when she had ample time to do it in advance.  She finally gets me a total, I write the checks, and I’m gone.  No sooner than I get down there, I’m in the thick of everything and she calls to tell me that the checks weren’t for enough and bills were due tomorrow without a way to pay them.  This was before I was savvy to why these things were happening and I just exploded.  There was absolutely nothing I could do from there and I made that clear before I left.  Her excuse was she knew how much we really needed (so she lied to me), but if she had told me I would have gotten mad (condemning me for something I had not, or would not have, done) and that she could not deal with that.  I pointed out to her that she knew that doing what she did guaranteed that I would be mad, so keeping me from getting mad was not anything she was trying to avoid.  Since she lied before I left, she weaponized the whole thing to make me mad at a time when she could inflict the most damage.  Looking back, I should have just said, "You deliberately created this situation, sort it out" and hung up on her.

She set up the pins and she knocked them down.
      

Sounds like when she tells me she is going shopping for a medium item - say a coat for our son. She buys it - then says its no good. Why is it no good? Because you are always complaining we spend too much money. Lets go out and buy another and pay for a good one.

So we end up spending even more.

It looks like she has already planned the conflict in advance by setting up a guaranteed fail and blame.

[Couper]

Sounds like when she tells me she is going shopping for a medium item - say a coat for our son. She buys it - then says its no good. Why is it no good? Because you are always complaining we spend too much money. Lets go out and buy another and pay for a good one.

So we end up spending even more.

It looks like she has already planned the conflict in advance by setting up a guaranteed fail and blame.

Here is my question (sorry if this is considered veering off the topic of vacation but it seems appropriate to ask):  we have two examples of this type of conflict that takes planning.  In my case, just one of many.  Not a "heat of the moment" sort of thing.  Not an instant reaction to something she didn't take the time to process sort of thing.  It really is a lie.

I've seen in several places that lying is not one of the criteria for BPD.  What this seems to me is a lack of conscience.  In my case she could have thought about it for a day and said, "This thing I've planned is wrong.  I'm just going to say I made a mistake and take the heat." but that doesn't happen.  Same with your coat.  She could have thought better about it on the way home and decided to return it.  In each case the mission was planned and fully executed beginning-to-end.  

A miscalculated response in the heat of the moment I can accept more readily (we're all human, we all make mistakes) but this long range planning and laying-in-wait stuff with the express purpose of causing harm is just plain evil to me.  Is this still BPD or something separate tacked on to it?

  

[PearlsBefore]

Anybody asking this question hasn't been around the forums on a December 20-30 timeframe, heh - yikes.

Notice my own December registration date ;)