Grieving the loss of a normal future

[Chilibean13]

I'm struggling. I realized that I've been struggling with my own emotions since I determined for sure for sure my H. has BPD. I realized that I'm going through the grieving process.

I'm grieving that my marriage may never be normal. Im no longer in denial.I'm angry that I had plans for our life that I thought we could achieve once he grew up a little more but I know that he may not get there. I feel cheated out of the life I wanted. i find myself crying big huge tears like I did after my dad died. I have a huge sense of loss.

I know I need to come to terms with it but it feels like he has been diagnosed with something like cancer or something life threatening. It feels like a ton of bricks is sitting in my mind. I think about another 11 years of this and I can't help but cry. I know I'll be here because I love him but it breaks my heart to know that the rest of my life could possible continue to be filled with everyday drama. Leaving has never been an option but I still have a profound sense of loss for the man I hoped he would become.

Does this make sense? Have any of you gone through this?

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[ChangingOfTides]

Once you realise that your BPD partner may not be able to give back to you what you may have wished for, dreams are shattered.

But its normal and i think it happens at times in any relationship, but in our cases its rarely the question if a partner is willing to be there for us too, its more that they can't be there for us, because of their illness(es)... .Its nothing you can control or change. Grieving is the painfull path to acceptance.

And you need that acceptance in order to start building a different future.

I am going through the same process. Strangely, i have a similarly intense pain realising this, it brings on the same emotions like it had when my mother died.

It feels at times that the person you fell in love with partially died, especially when you move into depressive periods of devaluation... .

There is only one way out of this, and that is to heal yourself. Because the prior wounds we carry along are exactly those that are triggered intensely in a BPD rs. There is a reason we fell in love with them, as they put an intense mirror on our strengths, but in a later stage unfortunately also on our weaknesses.

[sweetheart]

Hi Chilibean, 

Your post has much resonance for me. I moved between sadness and acceptance for a long while. The sadness is much less now. Two years ago it felt as though my h had died and the man I lived with was a complete stranger to me. I was truly devastated, and ChangingofTides is right the sadness is like a bereavement.

I have found the loss of the man I married the hardest part of all things BPD.

I don't really struggle with what being with someone with this illness means, it was the change my husband went through once the mirroring and idealisation stopped that felt for a time unbearable.

I also believe that without acceptance, not just understanding, it will be either impossible to stay long term, or there will always be conflict that is in part triggered by the non.

Our marriage has moved from the carnage of around two years of non-stop dysregulation and acute psychosis to what I would describe as relatively stable. My marriage bears no resemblance to what I thought it would be, but for the most part we are ok and that is why I stay. 

[formflier]

Does this make sense? Have any of you gone through this?

Yep... .completely normal for you to be wrestling with these feelings and thoughts.

Don't run from them... .sit with them... .feel them.  

Ask yourself if you are up to the challenge before you?  Very likely that you will come up with an answer that shows you aren't up to it... .or don't think your are "properly equipped" to handle it.

Then you can focus on learning and equipping yourself for the challenges you face.

Eventually you will figure out this is doable... .

Then I challenge you to write another thread... ."Defining what is normal for my future... ."

I'm not saying I am there... .life is a journey and a process... .I know where I am headed and what I face.

You can do this... .!  We can help you.

Last thought:  Read your title.  Read my suggested title.  Then think about the person that wrote those two different titles.

What do you think (see) is different about those two people... .?  

FF

[Chilibean13]

Such thoughtful posts from everyone. You all are right. I need to take this time to mourn the loss of those dreams and then redefine my dreams.

Just like my uBPDh I sets up unrealistic expectations for me, I set up unrealistic expectations for our marriage. I need to host a funeral in my mind and then complete the grieving process. When my dad died after going through everything I accepted the "new normal". H. and I just need to look at what that new normal for us will be.

[C.Stein]

What is a normal marriage/relationship?

[walbsy7]

Such thoughtful posts from everyone. You all are right. I need to take this time to mourn the loss of those dreams and then redefine my dreams.

Just like my uBPDh I sets up unrealistic expectations for me, I set up unrealistic expectations for our marriage. I need to host a funeral in my mind and then complete the grieving process. When my dad died after going through everything I accepted the "new normal". H. and I just need to look at what that new normal for us will be.

There is a quote from the "Stop walking on eggshells" book that I do not have handy to reference, and I may be completely misinterpurting it but it went basically like this... .(it is towards the beginning of the book if you want to read it yourself...

""A mother was DEVISTATED that she found out her son (or daughter) had BPD when they were a teenager. She was so heart broken, and realized that all of her dreams for her child were no longer, and she could not move on from her state of depression.  The therapist said you are correct, it is normal to grieve. The child you thought you were going to have, grow up, and watch succeed is no longer with us. But once you are done grieving, you will have a new child that you will love, support, and you will set new goals and dreams for them.""

I think this is highly applicable for you, but something that applicable to some level for everyone who is living with a pwBPD.

Your feelings are completely normal, but you will find your firm footing. Just because you are not with the "person you married", as am I, we do not have to change ourself. We can still be the people that we want to be.

[joshbjoshb]

Yeah... .100% you need to mourn... .I was there already but I believe I am past that now... .but you need to really be sad to feel the loss of a future that you might never have.

It's really tough. You come to a relationship wanting all these great things together, then you discover that your spouse has an illness that not only affects him but it will cause you to be kind of lonely.

Sad!

[Cole]

OK. About to go 100% nerdy here. But it is a lesson I find valuable and use it in my marriage, business, and any other challenging situation.

Captain Kirk beat the unwinnable Kobayashi Maru test by reprogramming the computers so as to make the test winnable. It was not the normal solution, but it was the only one that worked.  

Having a BPD, bipolar, major depression wife seems like an unwinnable challenge. But I redefined the "test" from having a normal life to a different goal of working together with my wife to make the best of what God has given us.  

Yes, it seems overwhelming at times. But that is why we are here for you and why there are plenty of professional therapists out there if you need them.  

[formflier]

Captain Kirk beat the unwinnable Kobayashi Maru test by reprogramming the computers so as to make the test winnable.

Take this a bit further.  Kirk is a non... .he first approached this with the rules that he "knew" were in place... .and figured out it was unwinnable.

Rather than doing what most nons do for way to long... .keep trying with the existing rules.... .

He figured out that there was another set of rules... .he learned how to work within those rules to change the dynamics of the game.  And got a better outcome.

Love the example... .next challenge is to relate "the force" from Jedi's in the Star Wars to what we learn and do here at bpdfamily.

Who is up for the challenge... ?. (extra points for working "force choke" into the example... )

FF

[Chilibean13]

Love the example... .next challenge is to relate "the force" from Jedi's in the Star Wars to what we learn and do here at bpdfamily.

Who is up for the challenge... ?. (extra points for working "force choke" into the example... )

I think Darth may have been a little NPD.

[Cole]

Love the example... .next challenge is to relate "the force" from Jedi's in the Star Wars to what we learn and do here at bpdfamily.

Already done.

A few months ago, w was pushing really hard to make me mad and get a reaction.

I looked at her, waved my hand, and said, "This is not the annoyed you are looking for."   

I did not get the same result as Obi Wan and anyone reading should consider this as an example of what one should not do with an aggravated pwBPD.   

[formflier]

 

I'll beat that... .

Next time I get a chance... .

Hopefully I can arrange it so that there is a door somewhere close...

FF

[SurfNTurf]

LOL oh you all crack me up! 

A few weeks ago, my uBPDh was once again telling me he would 'try' to get to some unfinished project around the house. My response?  ":)o or do not; there is no try." LOL! He laughed. Didn't get a damn thing done, but it defused the moment.

[OffRoad]

This is tailor made for me. My H was being whiny because he  had a cold. I wasn't being sympathetic enough. I suggested he take some decongestant so he could get some sleep, but while it helped his nasal passages, it resulted in his sinus' draining down the back of his throat. He gets up and yells at me that this was worse, that he shouldn't have listened to me. I'm standing about 10 feet away, and I put out my hand up towards his throat and said "I find your lack of faith disturbing... .". My son nearly choked laughing, but H didn't get it... .

[Cat Familiar]

I completely understand the grief and though posting here and doing individual therapy, I feel like I've moved past that phase. Now what?

I hear my husband tell me he loves me when he seems needy and lonely and I think, "Yeah, right--now you do."

I feel kind of empty, like I'm playing the role of "wife" without feeling much enthusiasm or excitement about it. My life is good, I have no major complaints, our relationship is more peaceful.

Was I just addicted to being idolized, mirrored, painted white? Maybe.

[joshbjoshb]

I completely understand the grief and though posting here and doing individual therapy, I feel like I've moved past that phase. Now what?

I hear my husband tell me he loves me when he seems needy and lonely and I think, "Yeah, right--now you do."

I feel kind of empty, like I'm playing the role of "wife" without feeling much enthusiasm or excitement about it. My life is good, I have no major complaints, our relationship is more peaceful.

Was I just addicted to being idolized, mirrored, painted white? Maybe.

I always wonder about the same thing. But at the same time, we all crave having a fulfilled relationship. It's just part of human nature.

And when you are with a BPD, you don't really have it.

[formflier]

 My son nearly choked laughing, but H didn't get it... .

Very nice use of star wars!

My favorite quote is one I use while parenting a complaining child... .

"Perhaps you feel you are being treated unfairly... "?

My boys get it... .girls aren't that into star wars.

FF

[Chilibean13]

LOL oh you all crack me up! 

A few weeks ago, my uBPDh was once again telling me he would 'try' to get to some unfinished project around the house. My response?  ":)o or do not; there is no try." LOL! He laughed. Didn't get a damn thing done, but it defused the moment.

That's awesome. Love those moments when we can have fun.

[waverider]

More than one Force there is...

Until the First becomes blunted, the Second visible is not...

YODA (aka me)

[ColdEthyl]

You guys are killing me with the Star Wars/Star Trek references... .little did you guys know I have a Darth Vader purse, and I am half Trekky :P

It's all very true, Chilibean. I had to go through the same thing when I realized my husband isn't who I thought he was, and what he was and was not going to be able to do. I mourned, I had to step back and decide going forward what did I want to do. Am I strong enough? Do I want to be? Where is this all going?

After mourning having a partner I could lean on for support, (that was the biggest one for me, not being able to come home and rant about a bad day at work because it will upset him. He cannot process my emotions, let alone his own) I made a pro/con list. His pros still outweigh his minuses considerably. I am willing and able to put the work in. As long as he is moving forward... .so will I.

It's always in the back of my head that someday he might run off. He might do something really BPDish to me that I won't be able to move past. But, its a chance I'm willing to take, and I am just trying to enjoy the ride.

[waverider]

It is important that you keep your hand on the wheel so you have a say in where you are going, travelling by default is the path towards depression and hopelessness.