How do I accept the helplessness?

[sad4mydad]

After dealing with an uBPD mom for 40+ years, I would think that I would have pretty good coping skills. But they are lacking right now, and I'm at a complete loss. I've found myself slipping into a deep depression.

Ten years ago, I figured out that my mom has BPD. It was my therapist that brought it to my attention. It took me years to get my dad to accept it (they are still married) but I was finally able to approach the subject in a manner in which he understood the impact it has on him. (I am an only child.) And so we both know that my mom had BPD, although she is EXTREMELY high functioning.

Most recently, my mom has gotten much, much worse. It's exacerbated by the fact that my dad has had a stroke (thankfully, he is totally okay right now) but it sent my mom over the edge. For 3+ days, she screamed at him about how she was going to be stuck taking care of him for the rest of his/her life. How do I know this? Because he called me on the phone, sobbing, to talk with me about it - to vent, to share, to let it out.

My mom has done a good job of emotionally abusing him and cutting him off from all his family and friends. My dad and I were going to take a short trip together in December and she put the kabash on it (she and I took a trip together earlier this year). My dad is not living a life; he is surviving. I've begged him to leave her (knowing that if he does, then I will bear the brunt of her craziness) but he refuses.

And so I am helpless. I cannot fix her. I've given him all the tools and resources at our disposal to help him (i.e., counselors in his community who are familiar with BPD, this forum, NAMI support groups, etc) and he does not  take advantage of them. He does not talk with anyone else (which is understandable because - really - how many people really "get it" if they haven't experienced it themselves?). Two years ago, my dad was suicidal. He is better now, but I feel a tremendous amount of pressure to be there for him so that he has some support. But I cannot change his situation and I cannot force him to make different decisions. It is incredibly frustrating and agonizing. And I oscillate between anger and extreme sadness.

How do I accept the helplessness? How do I support my dad when I can do nothing, and yet is it heartbreaking to watch?

[Kwamina]

Hi sad4mydad,

I am glad that your dad has recovered from that serious health scare. I can imagine that this must also have been a scary and stressful time for you. Unfortunately your mother's behavior only made everything even more stressful for everyone.

Is 'venting' to you about the problems with your mother, something your dad typically does? Did he also do this while you were growing up?

It seems that you have done all you can to try and help your dad. It's very tough seeing the people we love struggle, but at the end of the day he himself needs to take actions towards changing his life. As hard as it may be, caring for him from an appropriate distance might be all you can do right now.

Have you read our article about fear, obligation and guilt (FOG)? Would you say your mother uses those things to control your dad? Or to put it differently, do you feel like your dad lets himself be controlled by your mother out of fear, obligation and guilt?

[HappyChappy]

How do I accept the helplessness? How do I support my dad when I can do nothing, and yet is it heartbreaking to watch?

Hi Sad4mydad,

Having been in similar position I totally know where you’re coming from. I was advised back then to looking into F.O.G. and it started a journey that released me  from that helpless feeling. So I would back up Kawamin’s advice there.

In truth we may know we can not change how your BPD or Dad think and behave, but because our BPD taught us to feel it’s always our fault, the subconscious still creates the guilt. You may also want to look up “radical acceptance”.  

My dad was a good/week man, so it took a Therapist to point out that he didn’t stop my BPD, and believing my black eyes were due to me being clumsy; not good parenting either.  Meaning you may find a Therapist may help you accept all this.

But trust me, it isn’t your fault your mother kicks your Dad. If you drew her fire, or acted as a human shield, you’d fall ill and she’d be straight back kicking your dad. There is a good reason we never negotiate with hostage takers. So as difficult as it is, you need to focus on changing how you deal with it, how you see it. Then you will be in a better position to help. Wishing you peace

[AmMovingForward]

Hello HappyChappy --

Where would one start the journey on F.O.G.? I'm interested in hearing more. 

I'm about to head to work and I have some free time to read there, luckily.

[Panda39]

Hello HappyChappy --

Where would one start the journey on F.O.G.? I'm interested in hearing more. 

I'm about to head to work and I have some free time to read there, luckily.

Hi BPDsufferer13,

There is a link in green up in Kwamina's part of this thread about FOG just click on it and it will take you to some reading.  Some other reading if you have time on your lunch break  would be the "Lessons" links in the box to the right ----------------------------------->

Just click on any of the 4 lessons and they will take you to further information on that topic.

Looks like you're new here... .Welcome 

Panda39

[AmMovingForward]

Hello HappyChappy --

Where would one start the journey on F.O.G.? I'm interested in hearing more. 

I'm about to head to work and I have some free time to read there, luckily.

Hi BPDsufferer13,

There is a link in green up in Kwamina's part of this thread about FOG just click on it and it will take you to some reading.  Some other reading if you have time on your lunch break  would be the "Lessons" links in the box to the right ----------------------------------->

Just click on any of the 4 lessons and they will take you to further information on that topic.

Looks like you're new here... .Welcome 

Panda39

Hello,   Thank you!

   I'm looking forward forward to starting this journey,  as it's been a long ways coming,  and I can't keep living with the pain, day in and day out.  So very grateful for everyone here.

 back to you

Bpdsufferer13

[unicorn2014]

Hi sad4mydad, I can relate in a mild form to your post. There have been  many times I have strongly encouraged my dad to stand up to my mom, and he says he does on the important things. His sister thinks he enjoys my mom telling him what to do.

You've done the right thing by coming to this board. I hope you are able to find some help and healing here.

[todayistheday]

I have no advice for you.  I can totally relate to your post.  I just posted about something very similar.

4 years ago, my Dad's back went out in such a way that he went paralyzed and he had to have almost-emergency surgery.  My Mom was saying many of the same things to him.  She was tyring to figure out what to do if he couldn't get up the steps.  She was going to put a bed in the laundry room. When I suggested that they fix the dining room for him, she said "I HAVE TO LIVE HERE TOO."  BTW, Their dining room only gets used on Christmas.

I was getting heartbreaking emails from him before his surgery about what he was going through with her. To the point that I went to their house to referee several days before his surgery.  It was awful.  

(Almost-emergency surgery -- he went to Dr. on Monday, first time he could get an OR was Friday.  I went there Tuesday instead of Thursday.)

Now she's the one who's had surgery and she's being mean to him all over.  She tries to act like he won't do anything for her, but the fact is, she won't LET him do anything.  I just got of the phone with him and am crying my eyeballs out for him.

After his surgery, she made him go to a nursing home for rehab.  She said she couldn't take care of him.  He went back home after about 3 weeks.  After HER surgery, she was not going to hear of going anywhere but home. PT came to her house.

I don't know what to do either.  My Dad also is a very good-hearted and kind person. He also deserves better.  I just got off a one hour phone call with him and it has me so sad (detailed in my other post.)