He's refusing to see me this weekend.

[misuniadziubek]

Last night, I was getting positive messages from him.

He feels sad without me, he wishes I was around and so on.

Today I message to ask if we could spend some time together because this is the only two days I can legitimately drive up without putting my finances at risk.

I ask, "What are you doing all day?"

Innocent question.

He goes off that unlike me, he's got responsibilities, a job, school and a car to fix. Instant projection.

Apparently his landlord is having someone stay at their house's third room. That's as far as he knows, but he's under the belief that it's 'probably his replacement'.

As in my actions (messing up his roommates grade by not submitting her essay on time) have resulted in him and his roommate having issues. As in his roommate wants him to eventually move out and be replaced with this new person. The landlord is her uncle so he would take her side.

[12:25:32 PM] BF: Idk

[12:25:59 PM] BF: Just so mad that you pretty much fu**ed up my life

[12:26:21 PM] ME: Yeah. I can see that you're angry and feeling overwhelmed.

[12:26:31 PM] ME: You have every right to be mad.

[12:26:43 PM] BF: I know I do

[12:27:23 PM] BF: I don't need your confirmation

[12:27:46 PM] ME: Of course you don't. I just mean that I understand what you're going through.

[12:28:18 PM] ME: This is a ton of s**t on top of what you already have to deal with regularly.

[12:28:27 PM] ME: And it's hard not to crumble under all of it.

So yeah, my weekend plans are bust now. He's dealing with too much, he's blaming the whole situation on me, unfortunately, and talking isn't going to solve that.

There are no facts here to really bring insight from.

Yes. I messed up. He hasn't talked with his roommate about the situation, though. He is just inferring extremes from the appearance of things.

And honestly, I don't know what to do with myself either. I got invited to a Halloween get together about three hours away, but this is affecting me a lot more negatively than I'd like and I don't find myself having the energy to go.

I got used to things being stable, to his dysregulations becoming less common, to him showing me a lot more respect. I got used to having a balanced relationship. And this feels just like a lot of the old and the same from months ago when I felt lost and alone in this relationship.

And time would probably help. But I just feel like I don't have the time or energy to recover from this. I feel really depressed about the entire situation and I'm not sure how to help myself.

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

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[misuniadziubek]

An update.


In the end, I decided to drive up because I owed his roommate money.

I never got a straight response from my partner. He only expressed that he doesn't want to not be able to see me.

I come into the hallway and hear them talking in the living room.

Roommate: why the f#$% is she even here? I don't want to even see her face. I don't want her walking through my kitchen.

My bf comes out to the hallway, takes the money from me and walks back in.

Roommate: she's not f$%&in welcome here.

So I guess they did solve 'their' issues, but she's decided to solve hers with me by entirely avoiding me and never talking about it.

I don't know why I do this to myself. My boyfriend is happy to see me  never gave me a straight answer

[AsGoodAsItGets]

Hmm, seems extreme, is thier something your leaving out.  Is thier possible romantic connection between the roommate, or could she also be BPD?

[misuniadziubek]

Hmm, seems extreme, is thier something your leaving out.  Is thier possible romantic connection between the roommate, or could she also be BPD?

I doubt BPD.

No romantic.  14 years difference in age and she is gay.

I messed up her grade by not submitting an essay she paid me to write on time.

It was worth 25% of her final grade.

[Daniell85]

I can see you feel blamed and guilty.

However, his roomate paid you to help her. The woman has no ethics and she gets to make you to blame for her failure?

There are 2 things here, that maybe could help you.

First, you seem very very enmeshed and keep putting yourself into situations with them that are hurting you. All of this drama and triangulation is keeping everyone upset.

What would happen if you simply stepped out of it? By that I mean skip going over there for a couple of weeks, let things calm down?

Second thing is, its really not on you to keep putting yourself there to fix things. Paying his roomate back? Mail the money.

Your boyfriend didnt want to see you. You went over anyway. What happens if you just take that space and not do anything extra at all?

[misuniadziubek]

I can see you feel blamed and guilty.

However, his roomate paid you to help her. The woman has no ethics and she gets to make you to blame for her failure?

There are 2 things here, that maybe could help you.

First, you seem very very enmeshed and keep putting yourself into situations with them that are hurting you. All of this drama and triangulation is keeping everyone upset.

What would happen if you simply stepped out of it? By that I mean skip going over there for a couple of weeks, let things calm down?

Second thing is, its really not on you to keep putting yourself there to fix things. Paying his roomate back? Mail the money.

Your boyfriend didnt want to see you. You went over anyway. What happens if you just take that space and not do anything extra at all?

Not going over for a few weeks literally means that I don't see my boyfriend for a few weeks. He can't drive up to see me because his cars getting fixed and I don't have a place for him to stay if he did.

I wasn't planning to come. I was coming to terms with not seeing him this weekend. And that was hard.In a lot of ways. He's become the one person who eases my chronic anxiety and depression to the point that I can think clearly. He consistently supports my efforts to overcome my mental issues. Unless it develops into full on panic attacks in which case he feels too helpless and is more likely to lash out.


But then he messaged me, telling me that I can do whatever I want, but hoping that I come.

He was scared of this happening, I suppose. He doesn't know how to stand up for me without compromising his relationship with his roommate. He would rather blame me and stay on her good side, than risk being on her bad side.

Honestly, I don't blame myself entirely. I mean i didn't foresee what would happen, but I could take preventative measures nonetheless and not get so close to the deadline or let her know soon enough that I won't be able to do it. I also should have refused because it's too high risk. She's his roommate. This is too much triangulation.

But her? If I was in her shoes. No matter how much I trusted someone, I'd be more involved. Especially if something was worth such a high percentage of my grade. Ask for a rough draft at a certain deadline possibly, and definitely ask for it a day earlier so that I could submit it myself.

She put blind trust in me and the entire weight of the responsibility. And then she can try to blame me all she wants. She's been in school for 3 semesters now. She knows by now how things work.

Just reflecting.

My best bet here was really to make alternate plans for the weekend so that even if he messaged me at whatever time. If have no room to change my mind.

On the other hand, between him and me, we had a lot of fun last night. He was overjoyed to finally be with me, even though he had to deal with that unpleasant conversation beforehand.

[Grey Kitty]

I'm a little confused here.

The roommate paid you to write an essay for her. If I understand that situation, that is academic misconduct, and if caught by the school would probably have kicked out and voided everything done by both you and her, and if you already graduated, rescind your degree.

My point isn't that you were evil for doing this... .my point is what that action represents. And that once you've gone down that path, grumbling about her behavior in this way is kinda missing the point... .

But her? If I was in her shoes. No matter how much I trusted someone, I'd be more involved. Especially if something was worth such a high percentage of my grade. Ask for a rough draft at a certain deadline possibly, and definitely ask for it a day earlier so that I could submit it myself.

She put blind trust in me and the entire weight of the responsibility. And then she can try to blame me all she wants. She's been in school for 3 semesters now. She knows by now how things work.

The real point here is that the roommate is NOT an emotionally healthy person to associate with, and the more distance you put between her and you, the better off you are. And unfortunately you don't have full control over that, because it isn't your choice whether your boyfriend lives with her as a roommate or not.

[Notwendy]

He's become the one person who eases my chronic anxiety and depression to the point that I can think clearly.

Mis, this sounds like you are dependent on him for your emotional stability. It's nice to lean on friends and loved one when we need them, but we hopefully strive to not be dependent on them in this way. I know you have done a lot of work and have made progress, but remember it is progress, not perfection. You have made some giant big steps.

Recovery isn't always linear. Sometimes it feels circular. It's ok, it is part of the growth. Remember the lessons you learned during the break from him: self care, taking care of you. Seems perhaps that some TLC for yourself could help now.

A dysfunctional relationship isn't necessarily sexual. It makes sense that dysfunctional people have dysfunctional relationships with everyone. Although an intimate relationship is prone to the most of the dysfunction, a room mate relationship isn't casual. The two people do interact with each other daily, even if there isn't a romantic aspect to it. They can have drama and be on the drama triangle.  The issue was between your bf and his room mate and now you are involved.

The room mate tried to commit academic fraud, but by being angry at you, she isn't taking responsibility for that. Before that, it was your bf being irresponsible that was making her upset. Now, he can be her rescuer if she tells him she doesn't want to see you. Sounds like a triangle to me. If you stay out of it, they will have to deal with this themselves. You have paid her back now, and your involvement is finished.

A while back you felt strong and better. You can regain that by focusing on taking care of yourself, getting the help you need, and doing nice things for you.  

[unicorn2014]

Hi mis, may I ask what kind of therapy you are in?

If you are solely depending on a pwBPD for your emotional support, you are going to get let down. do you belong to any kind of recovery groups, therapy groups or church? It sounds to me like you might  be kind of isolated in real life. Is that possible?

[misuniadziubek]

Hi mis, may I ask what kind of therapy you are in?

If you are solely depending on a pwBPD for your emotional support, you are going to get let down. do you belong to any kind of recovery groups, therapy groups or church? It sounds to me like you might  be kind of isolated in real life. Is that possible?

Not in therapy at the moment. Am at an absolute financial standstill so can't even afford it. Am not religious, so no church groups, not recovering from anything and I was in an anxiety group in the beginning of the year but it lasted only 12 weeks and I never made any outside connections. Was the youngest one there and didn't really hit it off with anyone m

But your response definitely left me thinking hard about the fact that I am very much socially isolated. I've spent most of my life this way so it's easy to fall back into that. The last time I had true social support was in college, but I dropped out three years ago. I think I started depending on my pwBPD so much because when I was in the worst of my depression in August, he was someone who truly validated my struggle, when my parents were actively minimizing it and being incredibly critical, and supported my desire to go on medication.  Even then I was still doing my best to maintain connections to some people, but eventually realised that they were more dysfunctional than me. And then the burden fell entirely on him. So I think I'm going to start working on changing that.

He's become the one person who eases my chronic anxiety and depression to the point that I can think clearly.

Mis, this sounds like you are dependent on him for your emotional stability. It's nice to lean on friends and loved one when we need them, but we hopefully strive to not be dependent on them in this way. I know you have done a lot of work and have made progress, but remember it is progress, not perfection. You have made some giant big steps.

Recovery isn't always linear. Sometimes it feels circular. It's ok, it is part of the growth. Remember the lessons you learned during the break from him: self care, taking care of you. Seems perhaps that some TLC for yourself could help now.

A dysfunctional relationship isn't necessarily sexual. It makes sense that dysfunctional people have dysfunctional relationships with everyone. Although an intimate relationship is prone to the most of the dysfunction, a room mate relationship isn't casual. The two people do interact with each other daily, even if there isn't a romantic aspect to it. They can have drama and be on the drama triangle.  The issue was between your bf and his room mate and now you are involved.

The room mate tried to commit academic fraud, but by being angry at you, she isn't taking responsibility for that. Before that, it was your bf being irresponsible that was making her upset. Now, he can be her rescuer if she tells him she doesn't want to see you. Sounds like a triangle to me. If you stay out of it, they will have to deal with this themselves. You have paid her back now, and your involvement is finished.

A while back you felt strong and better. You can regain that by focusing on taking care of yourself, getting the help you need, and doing nice things for you. 

Thank you so much for this. I realised even as I was originally writing it that my dependence was definitely the root of many problems. I got too comfortable... .In my own misery :P. The reason our break was so effective was that I learned how to better take care of my needs in healthier ways and sought healthy support sources. I was stronger overall.

In this situation, I literally recreated the circumstances of my last serious emotional breakdown back in February. I'd locked his keys in his car, because my butt had hit the automatic lock button while the car was running and he'd shut the passenger door closed in anger because I hadn't figured out how to adjust the seat.

His roommate sided with him that I'd ___ed up. The way he's siding with her, in order to be on his good side. Should have realised then that this was really dysfunctional triangle, but hadn't yet reached that point.

I handled myself better this time. I didn't drink/self-harm or live in perpetual hatred of myself for the entirety of the day. I reached out to many other people, ended up calling up a local crisis hotline and calming myself down that way and spent the rest of the evening cleaning out my closet until my rational brain returned. That's actually quite amazing in terms of progress.

I'm going to take a break from coming up for a weekend or two and dedicate it to working on myself. Depending on myself and seeking support when I need it.

[misuniadziubek]

The real point here is that the roommate is NOT an emotionally healthy person to associate with, and the more distance you put between her and you, the better off you are. And unfortunately you don't have full control over that, because it isn't your choice whether your boyfriend lives with her as a roommate or not.

She really isn't. Analysing her actions is futile. Id be assuming she was  well adjusted enough to actually talk with me and discuss things.

I was supposed to leave their house at midnight last night per my own decision but I ended up passing out on my partners bed and woke up at 6am. Far more rested and capable of the drive. His roommate leaves for work at 4:30 am.

I leave at 6:10. Am almost home at 8:15 and get this message:

.  Its Monday and i noticed that your car is still in my driveway.  You need to take your disrespectful a**  home asap before i come home on my break and drag your ass out. Thank you.   

So yeah. Going to stay away for a while. This is too much for me. I wish I had someone to stand up for me there, but I don't. So I have to stand up for myself by avoiding the situation for a bit.

[Daniell85]

Is there any chance of your boyfriend finding a different living arrangement on his own?

And definitely stay out of there for a bit because most of all this is a ton of wear and tear on you. 

[Grey Kitty]

  Yes, try to find and cultivate more good people to include in your life.

Think of all the people you know... .including those which aren't all that close to you today... .and think about which ones you admire or respect. Try to spend more time with them.

If you've got old friends from other places, the phone can be a lifesaver. For various reasons I've moved around a LOT, and my best friends and supporters are all far away from me today. I want to change that... .though it is going to be a long process... .meanwhile, I'm not going to let go of good people in my life just because they are far away.

You mentioned not being able to do therapy... .and not recovering from anything (i.e. not 12-step) Let me make a recommendation for you to consider there.

I think it is a safe bet that you have some codependent tendencies. (Just about everybody here does!) There is a 12-step program for that, CoDA. You could try going to a few meetings. Those aren't all too common, so if you aren't in a big city, you may not be able to find a decent meeting there. Al-Anon (for families of alcoholics) is pretty similar, and much more common. Most of those people are working on codependence issues there too, so you might find you get something from one of those meetings.

 Take good care of yourself!