Surviving the breakup

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Hi... .

Two weeks ago my now ex bf, who suffers from BPD decided to end it. He blames himself because of all the things he did during our relationship and how he was hurting me and said we needed to part ways so he could stop hurting me, deal with his problems and eventually find our way back. During those two weeks we've been transitioning into moving out, etc. and all he has done is find new ways to hurt me such as parading himself with his new conquest in front of me, telling me all about her while denying that he is romantically interested in her, lying, making me feel humiliated but at the same time telling me that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him, that he was an idiot to damage it all, that he knows he has a problem that makes him self destruct, and that he wants to get better to eventually be with me. I feel awful, to the point where I've almost begged him to take me back so we can work on this together. It hurts because I see him with her and see him be "ok" (even though I know he's not ok) and I wonder what did I mean to him? How is it that it is so easy for him to get rid of me and continue on after all I did for him? Whenever I ask him all he says is that he feels lost and doesn't know what he wants. I need help to get over this.

[flt0921]

Hi... .

Two weeks ago my now ex bf, who suffers from BPD decided to end it. He blames himself because of all the things he did during our relationship and how he was hurting me and said we needed to part ways so he could stop hurting me, deal with his problems and eventually find our way back. During those two weeks we've been transitioning into moving out, etc. and all he has done is find new ways to hurt me such as parading himself with his new conquest in front of me, telling me all about her while denying that he is romantically interested in her, lying, making me feel humiliated but at the same time telling me that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him, that he was an idiot to damage it all, that he knows he has a problem that makes him self destruct, and that he wants to get better to eventually be with me. I feel awful, to the point where I've almost begged him to take me back so we can work on this together. It hurts because I see him with her and see him be "ok" (even though I know he's not ok) and I wonder what did I mean to him? How is it that it is so easy for him to get rid of me and continue on after all I did for him? Whenever I ask him all he says is that he feels lost and doesn't know what he wants. I need help to get over this.

[C.Stein]

I think he wants options.

I ask myself the same questions that you are asking 100 times a day or more.  While my ex is not parading anyone in front of me, she has quite coldly cut me out of her life without any apparent remorse or regret.  It has been one of the hardest things I have ever had to deal with in my life.  To see the person who I gave everything too and shared a very unique and special bond (at least for me) treat me like she has is beyond painful.  It simple boggles my mind and I just want to get over it too.  I am dead to her but she is very much alive in me and it is destroying me.   We both need to take care of our own needs now and focus on things that can bring peace and positive change in our lives.

[Creativum]

Hi... .

Two weeks ago my now ex bf, who suffers from BPD decided to end it. He blames himself because of all the things he did during our relationship and how he was hurting me and said we needed to part ways so he could stop hurting me, deal with his problems and eventually find our way back. During those two weeks we've been transitioning into moving out, etc. and all he has done is find new ways to hurt me such as parading himself with his new conquest in front of me, telling me all about her while denying that he is romantically interested in her, lying, making me feel humiliated but at the same time telling me that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him, that he was an idiot to damage it all, that he knows he has a problem that makes him self destruct, and that he wants to get better to eventually be with me. I feel awful, to the point where I've almost begged him to take me back so we can work on this together. It hurts because I see him with her and see him be "ok" (even though I know he's not ok) and I wonder what did I mean to him? How is it that it is so easy for him to get rid of me and continue on after all I did for him? Whenever I ask him all he says is that he feels lost and doesn't know what he wants. I need help to get over this.

I'm so sorry, and I wish I could say that the roller coaster will be stopping at the station soon, but ultimately you'll need to rely on yourself -- not him -- to apply the brakes once and for all. Then you can heal.  

I think it's helpful to remember that BPD is all about emotional dysregulation. He can't regulate himself. Pre-empting abandonment (the pwBPD ends the relationship before you can) still means the loss of attachment and triggers fears of being alone and not having a way to regulate. My ex wanted to keep "old supply" (former flings, etc.) around just in case things didn't work out with me, and said as much.  I set a boundary and said NO WAY.  Sensing he would be abandoned by me if he didn't comply, he complied. But it was a long and protracted process because, as I realized later, he wanted me to see all these people he had "had" in the past. It was manipulative to try to make me jealous like that.

The intense relationships regulate someone with BPD in many cases, and that's why the compulsion to move on to another person ASAP is so great.  Terrified of becoming intimate/being abandoned + terrified of being alone = abandoning someone before you become intimate and they abandon you + finding a new source of supply to help regulate the negative emotions.  The jealous-making behaviors, I think, are ways to maintain the attachment to you.  He can see it hurts you and that means you've not abandoned him.  He has control over something in himself because he has control over you in that way.

Ultimately it's unhealthy, and you have to decide -- you, for yourself! -- if you're willing to be with someone like this.  And I know (we all know) that detaching is damn near impossible.  If it were easy, we wouldn't need this forum.  I'm guilty of "relapses" myself, and very recently at that!  But with support, and we will support you, you can disengage and detach ... .and go back to being the best version of yourself that doesn't require the validation of a broken mirror, which is effectively what our ex's have been.

[flt0921]

Hi... .

Two weeks ago my now ex bf, who suffers from BPD decided to end it. He blames himself because of all the things he did during our relationship and how he was hurting me and said we needed to part ways so he could stop hurting me, deal with his problems and eventually find our way back. During those two weeks we've been transitioning into moving out, etc. and all he has done is find new ways to hurt me such as parading himself with his new conquest in front of me, telling me all about her while denying that he is romantically interested in her, lying, making me feel humiliated but at the same time telling me that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him, that he was an idiot to damage it all, that he knows he has a problem that makes him self destruct, and that he wants to get better to eventually be with me. I feel awful, to the point where I've almost begged him to take me back so we can work on this together. It hurts because I see him with her and see him be "ok" (even though I know he's not ok) and I wonder what did I mean to him? How is it that it is so easy for him to get rid of me and continue on after all I did for him? Whenever I ask him all he says is that he feels lost and doesn't know what he wants. I need help to get over this.

I'm so sorry, and I wish I could say that the roller coaster will be stopping at the station soon, but ultimately you'll need to rely on yourself -- not him -- to apply the brakes once and for all. Then you can heal.  

I think it's helpful to remember that BPD is all about emotional dysregulation. He can't regulate himself. Pre-empting abandonment (the pwBPD ends the relationship before you can) still means the loss of attachment and triggers fears of being alone and not having a way to regulate. My ex wanted to keep "old supply" (former flings, etc.) around just in case things didn't work out with me, and said as much.  I set a boundary and said NO WAY.  Sensing he would be abandoned by me if he didn't comply, he complied. But it was a long and protracted process because, as I realized later, he wanted me to see all these people he had "had" in the past. It was manipulative to try to make me jealous like that.

The intense relationships regulate someone with BPD in many cases, and that's why the compulsion to move on to another person ASAP is so great.  Terrified of becoming intimate/being abandoned + terrified of being alone = abandoning someone before you become intimate and they abandon you + finding a new source of supply to help regulate the negative emotions.  The jealous-making behaviors, I think, are ways to maintain the attachment to you.  He can see it hurts you and that means you've not abandoned him.  He has control over something in himself because he has control over you in that way.

Ultimately it's unhealthy, and you have to decide -- you, for yourself! -- if you're willing to be with someone like this.  And I know (we all know) that detaching is damn near impossible.  If it were easy, we wouldn't need this forum.  I'm guilty of "relapses" myself, and very recently at that!  But with support, and we will support you, you can disengage and detach ... .and go back to being the best version of yourself that doesn't require the validation of a broken mirror, which is effectively what our ex's have been.

You've said some very true things here. He is extremely terrified of being alone and I think that what triggered the breakup was the fact that I had made the decision to move to another city to further my career and I told him that I would love for him to come with me but wouldn't make him because that was his choice in the end and I knew he loved the city we were in. A couple of days after that he broke up with me. Also just like your ex he always wanted to keep a bunch of "female friends" around without introducing them to me and acknowledging in front of them that I was his girlfriend. I put my foot down and said that he either introduced me or did not have female friends at all and he chose the later and "complied" for some time. I know now that what he's doing is simply out of fear of being alone and to make me feel awful and have control over me but like you said it's a complete emotional roller coaster that is simply killing me because I still love him. I invested myself into this relationship and truly wanted to make it work and seeing him move on so quickly and easily just triggers a bunch of questions in me, specially makes me wonder what did I mean at all for him. I really need to focus on me but I definitely need to stop focusing on him and caring.

[C.Stein]

I invested myself into this relationship and truly wanted to make it work and seeing him move on so quickly and easily just triggers a bunch of questions in me, specially makes me wonder what did I mean at all for him. I really need to focus on me but I definitely need to stop focusing on him and caring.

I also still deeply love my ex.  I hope I was something special to her, but I really just don't know and I probably never will.  Even if I did know, what she thinks is special and what I think are likely not congruent.  This is something I think the both of us need to accept if we are going to move forward.

[flt0921]

I invested myself into this relationship and truly wanted to make it work and seeing him move on so quickly and easily just triggers a bunch of questions in me, specially makes me wonder what did I mean at all for him. I really need to focus on me but I definitely need to stop focusing on him and caring.

I also still deeply love my ex.  I hope I was something special to her, but I really just don't know and I probably never will.  Even if I did know, what she thinks is special and what I think are likely not congruent.  This is something I think the both of us need to accept if we are going to move forward.

Definitely. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never get closure, that all my questions will go unanswered. It's though because I've always been someone that needs to have the answers and explanations so that has been one of the things that has been driving me insane these past two weeks. It kills me that when he does something he knows that hurts me (we still have two more days of living together until due to very complicated circumstances) and I ask him why he did them or why he chooses to hurt me he simply says "I'm lost, I don't know what I'm doing". I kinda know I was special, or at least that's what he says, but since his actions are incongruent to his words it drives me insane.

[C.Stein]

The words mean nothing if there are no substantiating actions.

[Creativum]

I invested myself into this relationship and truly wanted to make it work and seeing him move on so quickly and easily just triggers a bunch of questions in me, specially makes me wonder what did I mean at all for him. I really need to focus on me but I definitely need to stop focusing on him and caring.

I also still deeply love my ex.  I hope I was something special to her, but I really just don't know and I probably never will.  Even if I did know, what she thinks is special and what I think are likely not congruent.  This is something I think the both of us need to accept if we are going to move forward.

Definitely. I have to come to terms with the fact that I'll probably never get closure, that all my questions will go unanswered. It's though because I've always been someone that needs to have the answers and explanations so that has been one of the things that has been driving me insane these past two weeks. It kills me that when he does something he knows that hurts me (we still have two more days of living together until due to very complicated circumstances) and I ask him why he did them or why he chooses to hurt me he simply says "I'm lost, I don't know what I'm doing". I kinda know I was special, or at least that's what he says, but since his actions are incongruent to his words it drives me insane.

The answer to your questions is BPD.  The cause of the problems is BPD.  Just keep reading through these forums, read as voraciously as you can about the disorder, and you will see the patterns in all of our stories.  I think it will facilitate closure.

No two people with BPD are alike -- they're still individuals -- but they all have BPD in common.  It's as tragic for them as it is for us.  *WE* as non-sufferers actually have a *better* idea about the answers to our questions than the people with BPD do.

[flt0921]

The answer to your questions is BPD.  The cause of the problems is BPD.  Just keep reading through these forums, read as voraciously as you can about the disorder, and you will see the patterns in all of our stories.  I think it will facilitate closure.

No two people with BPD are alike -- they're still individuals -- but they all have BPD in common.  It's as tragic for them as it is for us.  *WE* as non-sufferers actually have a *better* idea about the answers to our questions than the people with BPD do.[/quote]
I know it must be awful for him, living like that must be a nightmare, specially from what I've seen where he blames himself so much for many things and feels like he's not worthy of anything good so when he has it he destroys it.

[Creativum]

The answer to your questions is BPD.  The cause of the problems is BPD.  Just keep reading through these forums, read as voraciously as you can about the disorder, and you will see the patterns in all of our stories.  I think it will facilitate closure.

No two people with BPD are alike -- they're still individuals -- but they all have BPD in common.  It's as tragic for them as it is for us.  *WE* as non-sufferers actually have a *better* idea about the answers to our questions than the people with BPD do.

I know it must be awful for him, living like that must be a nightmare, specially from what I've seen where he blames himself so much for many things and feels like he's not worthy of anything good so when he has it he destroys it.[/quote]
I can tell you have a good heart, and that things are really raw for you at the moment.  Gosh, I had a straight-up post-traumatic response to the break-up when he ended it with me, and I had already had a disastrous 2-year relationship with a BPD person, so you'd think I'd know what was coming and be able to cope, right? Wrong.  I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat, I think I went through every single stage of the grieving process within the span of an hour, over and over again.  I actually thought *I* had BPD for a day or two.  I had never, and I mean never, felt that way emotionally before.  By reading through these forums, talking with people familiar with the disorder, informing myself ... .I learned that there are reasons for feeling the way I did that had to do with "proximal exposure" to a BPD person.  I can't state it as elegantly as I've read it elsewhere, but basically, I became addicted to the love chemicals/hormones, while at the same time becoming "enmeshed" in his issues/emotions/headspace, and that's a dangerous emotional cocktail.  Once I started coming off the withdrawals (which are real -- love chemicals are still chemicals), I was able to better assess the situation. And you will be successful in this way, too, if detaching is what you want.  It takes time.  The more intense the relationship, the more intense the anguish after the break-up.  Be good to yourself, read, talk to us, message us privately, do what you need to do to feel better.  Your BPD ex won't be able to answer your questions because he doesn't know the answers himself -- you can't look under the hood of the car you're currently driving at 65mph!  You're supported and you're absolutely understood by those of us who have gone through these issues.

[parisian]

It hurts because I see him with her and see him be "ok" (even though I know he's not ok) and I wonder what did I mean to him? How is it that it is so easy for him to get rid of me and continue on after all I did for him? Whenever I ask him all he says is that he feels lost and doesn't know what he wants. I need help to get over this.

One of the above posters said 'the answer to your questions is BPD'. We turn ourselves inside out with these questions when our r/s with a pwBPD ends. Like 'why were they so awful to me after everything I did/did they even love me/how could they do that to me/why did they do that/why were they so hurtful' and so on. We can't answer these questions logically or with any reason because there is no logic or reason to what they did or why they did it. None. The answer to those questions is always 'they did those things because they are ill and have a disorder'. It makes no sense to us and never will when we look for logic or reason in explaining their behaviour. Accepting they acted the way they did because they are ill is something that helps in our recovery, as hard as that is. They are not the person we thought they were.

When we discover we had our own issues in people pleasing/rescuing, co-dependency and unhealthy boundaries, we can start to see our role in the r/sh also.

When we put our own needs first, and focus truly on what we need and start to provide that for ourselves, we can start to heal. It is the most horrible, awful pain and we think that getting back together will stop it. Thinking you can get back together to work on this jointly is very admirable however people can only fix themselves. Despite all our love and good intentions, it is not us who can make them better.

I hope you can find some joy in the small things during your recovery from this. Do you have a self-care plan right now?

[Learning Fast]

Both Creativum and Parisian offer solid advice.  Learn, learn, learn.  Educate, educate, educate.  Post, post, post.  Those on this forum have been lifesavers for me and will be for you.  Remember that during the most hurtful episodes it is the disorder speaking and not necessarily the person.

I had an extreme dysregulation experience with my ex a couple of months ago.  When I asked her afterward if she remembered the evening all I got was "Probably not" and "My life is day to day".  The disorder was is charge that night (kinda like Linda Blair from the Exorcist!).

Believe actions not words.  Additionally, time + distance=objectivity + clarity.

[flt0921]

It hurts because I see him with her and see him be "ok" (even though I know he's not ok) and I wonder what did I mean to him? How is it that it is so easy for him to get rid of me and continue on after all I did for him? Whenever I ask him all he says is that he feels lost and doesn't know what he wants. I need help to get over this.

One of the above posters said 'the answer to your questions is BPD'. We turn ourselves inside out with these questions when our r/s with a pwBPD ends. Like 'why were they so awful to me after everything I did/did they even love me/how could they do that to me/why did they do that/why were they so hurtful' and so on. We can't answer these questions logically or with any reason because there is no logic or reason to what they did or why they did it. None. The answer to those questions is always 'they did those things because they are ill and have a disorder'. It makes no sense to us and never will when we look for logic or reason in explaining their behaviour. Accepting they acted the way they did because they are ill is something that helps in our recovery, as hard as that is. They are not the person we thought they were.

When we discover we had our own issues in people pleasing/rescuing, co-dependency and unhealthy boundaries, we can start to see our role in the r/sh also.

When we put our own needs first, and focus truly on what we need and start to provide that for ourselves, we can start to heal. It is the most horrible, awful pain and we think that getting back together will stop it. Thinking you can get back together to work on this jointly is very admirable however people can only fix themselves. Despite all our love and good intentions, it is not us who can make them better.

I hope you can find some joy in the small things during your recovery from this. Do you have a self-care plan right now?

I kinda do, I've made appointments for therapy for myself to help me cope with the loss and the pain I'm feeling right now. I'm moving back home to be near family and friends so I don't have to be alone dealing with all this and I'm planning to immerse myself into my career and try to take it from there. I also bought a book calle Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist because I know that in our relationship I felt the need to rescue him, to please him and make his life easier and forgot to put my own needs first.  Yesterday I read a lot about it and have started to understand that he is ill and that all those things that he has done that hurt me he doesn't even understand them himself because that's not him, it's his sickness and that as much as I want to repair him I can't, it has to come from him and only he has the power to get better. His stepdad also called me and told me to take care of myself and helped me understand him better and some things from his childhood that have caused the problem in some way.

It's killing me because I still care a lot for him (it's all way too recent too) and I desperately wish I could help him so he can see the great person I saw during the good moments in the relationship, but he said it himself, he needs to do it alone. I can only now keep him in my prayers so that he finds his way and helps himself. It's really sad to see someone you love go through something like this and I can't imagine what it'll be like to live in his mind and body.