When you tell them it is over

[KaishaMikasa]

When you tell your BPD spouse you are divorcing them how did it go.  Mine internalizes more than big rages.  She is very stare gullets and started an affair this week with an old boyfriend so bye bye to her.  My concern is my children and her possibly self harming or worse.

[KaishaMikasa]

Sorry very very dystegulated spell check.

[Michelle27]

I was terrified to tell my husband that I was done.  We were 3 months into a therapeutic separation and nothing was changing other than his usual promises and words that didn't amount to any action.  And he was doing some weird stuff... .stalking and following and some inappropriate sexual things.  When I made the decision, the relief was amazing, but I didn't tell him right away.  I actually wanted to tell him in a counselor's office but was afraid to ask him for that as I knew he'd know what I had decided.  So 8 days after I made the decision I decided to ask him to meet for coffee because I needed to talk.  For perspective, I had been with him for 15 years, and the last 9 or 10 were filled with raging, affairs, lies, me taking care of everything apart from him going to work, promises that were never followed through with and more.  When I told him I was done, he actually had the nerve to say that I didn't give him enough of a chance.  Huh?  9 years? 

I had to do it at a coffee shop because I honestly felt I needed to be in a public place.  And instead of going to the rental place afterwards because I just didn't feel safe there, I went to stay with friends for a few days in an apartment building in which I knew he wouldn't have access easily.  I didn't know what to expect, and sure enough, 2 days later I caught him stalking me there. 

[Mutt]

Hi ehartma5,

I would feel worried too. My pwBPD spoke about SI once and when I said I wanted a divorce I triggered her fear of abandonment, she started and affair and it was intense anger around the house.

She didn't talk about SI, she was the acting out type and your pwBPD is the acting in type. Everyone's pwBPD is different, you know her better than anyone on the boards.

How old are the kids? How are they coping?

Here's an article with do's and don'ts when our pwBPD self harm.

Self injury and self harm

[KaishaMikasa]

My oldest is 16 and knows something is up with mom.  The youngest is 11 and only knows that his mother is on him constantly.  I haven't said anything yet as I am leaving town and can't have her over the top unsupervised.  She is scaring me for herself and the kids.  However, cheating is something I cannot tolerate.  I am building the best case possible to get the best custody deal possible.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry to hear that. When you say over the top, did that start last week when she started cheating?

Good call with not mentioning "divorce" it may trigger her fear of abandonment.

Are you going out of town for work? It sounds like you're worried about leaving the kids with mom?

[KaishaMikasa]

This one just started and by iver the top I mean self harm or just a total breakdown.  I am good night out of town for an annual event that is part of a charity I help run.  This is increasing the abandonment issues. My T has told me that I cannot allow her to control me with guilt or any other manipulation.  Furthermore staying would tip her off.