She emailed and said sorry after 3 years. Closure?

[mango_flower]

Hi all!

So it's been almost 3 years to the day we split, and I got a message from her on facebook.

She started off just saying hi which she does from time to time and I'm always polite back.

This time she told me how unwell she has been (life threatening, I know this to be true, mutual friends) and that it has made her do some soul searching.  And then she apologised for hurting me.

She seems to have painted me white again, saying how a piece of her heart would always belong  to me, and that she hoped I would always be her "little _______ (my surname)".

So - do I accept this as genuine and that she's trying for closure?  On the surface it seems that way.  After all, she's happily married now (though I can't imagine her wife would be thrilled with her saying such things!)

Haven't heard from her since, this was a few days ago.  So maybe it's genuine and she wants closure.

In a way I feel relieved - I have been suffering for 3 years, missing her so incredibly much.  I couldn't ever get back with her and I know she wouldn't either - she doesn't do going back.  Anyway - too much water under the bridge.

But it made me feel good to know that what we had meant something. (For a while it felt like it had meant nothing to her when she swanned off with the new girl). 

But it was real.  She did love me.  And that means a lot.

[cloudten]

I can certainly understand that it feels good and that she maybe validated your feelings on the relationship and whether it was "real" or not. I think each of us, in our own way, want these people to realize their mistakes and grow and change... .that's sort of why we are all here in this forum.

However, it sounds like she's throwing breadcrumbs and "going back" to my ears. I would personally be very suspicious. 

Have you been able to maintain NC?  I think if you truly feel that you could never get back with her, then you shouldn't open a can of worms (more like 2-headed snakes).

I personally don't believe in closure. I don't feel that any of us will ever have closure... .nor should we pursue it. It just makes us more stuck in grief and guilt.

On a sidenote- if she would contact and say those things to you while she is married... .she probably did (and would still do) the same to you with other girls.   

[mango_flower]

I did think about the "breadcrumbs" thing 

But she's far too proud to ever want to come back so I'm pretty safe

I've never been able to do NC. For me, Low, impersonal contact has always worked best. Not sure what that says!

And yes, I totally agree re: she shouldn't be saying that to me (no matter how innocent it might be!).   I still would never trust her. But strangely, somehow just hearing that she was sorry really helped me.  It's all gone silent again now so fingers crossed that is it.  Also, partly because I worry about her dying - she really IS a very poorly girl with a long term health issue - I don't know how I'd be able to live with myself thinking she died and we hated each other. I feel like some of the guilt has gone now, you know? x

[Lonely_Astro]

I did think about the "breadcrumbs" thing 

But she's far too proud to ever want to come back so I'm pretty safe

I've never been able to do NC. For me, Low, impersonal contact has always worked best. Not sure what that says!

And yes, I totally agree re: she shouldn't be saying that to me (no matter how innocent it might be!).   I still would never trust her. But strangely, somehow just hearing that she was sorry really helped me.  It's all gone silent again now so fingers crossed that is it.  Also, partly because I worry about her dying - she really IS a very poorly girl with a long term health issue - I don't know how I'd be able to live with myself thinking she died and we hated each other. I feel like some of the guilt has gone now, you know? x

Maybe in that moment, it was completely real.  Maybe she decided to give you the closure she couldn't give you 3 years ago.  Maybe its a recycle attempt.  There's really no way of knowing.  It could be that if she has a terminal illness she's trying to make amends with those she hurt (and truly did care about).  There are a lot of possibilities.  I say that because of my experience.

I, like you, was NC with my pwBPD for 3 years.  We were forced to ride together to a conference (company car) and she, like yours, apologized profusely about what had happened.  I to this day still believe it was genuine.  Time passed after that day and we had more contact.  It progressed further (not rapidly, but it did progress) until we decided to give it another go.  There was a long, serious discussion beforehand. 

So how did it turn out?  I was (basically) discarded again.  It is a long story and still unfolding, but the end result is that her BPD caught back up to her (she started DBT, which made it worse).  It's been one hell of a rollercoaster ever since I got back with her (though I was to infatuated at the time to realize it).  It wasn't until we were both able to be around each other all the time that it quickly fell apart.  I think she was more interested in the 'idea' of us than the 'actual' us (I guess that would be the honeymoon phase).  She's still attempting to string me along (even though I just do pleasantries, as I am working my way to NC again).

If I had to do it all over again, knowing what I do now, I would've taken a page out of Curly (City Slickers)'s book:

Mitch: You ever been in love?

Curly: Once. I was driving a herd across the panhandle. Texas. Passed near this little dirt farm right about sundown. Out in the field was this young woman, working down in the dirt. Just about then she stood up to stretch her back. She was wearing a little cotton dress, and the settin' sun was right behind her, showing the shape that God had give her.

Mitch: What happened?

Curly: I just turned around and rode away.

Mitch: Why?

Curly: I figured it wasn't gonna get any better than that.

Mitch: But you could have been, you know... .with her.

Curly: Been with lots of women.

Mitch: Yeah, but you know, she could have been the love of your life.

Curly: She is.