Is my dad giving me the silent treatment?

[unicorn2014]

  everyone

I'm still fairly new to this board so I'm still feeling things out.

I've been dealing with a painful situation with my dad since July and I finally asked him a direct question about it in email last night and he hasn't gotten back to me. I'm afraid that he has contempt for me now.

The backstory is my daughter got sent home from summer camp 5 weeks early because she was miserable there and my father thinks I had some choice in the matter. My daughter was away at a summer camp on a scholarship. It was her third year there. Every year she was unhappy but this year was the worst and the camp finally decided to send her home early because she was making everyone else miserable. My dad thinks there is something I could have done to stop this from happening. I have noticed his attitude has changed towards me since this summer, he's become colder and harder.

Actually this is even more complicated. A couple of weeks ago my cousin came with my brother  and picked me and my daughter up to take us to see my grandmother who is dying. On the way there my brother told a story in the car of how his girlfriend's mother called the police on him when he shoved his girlfriend in a crisis and brother proudly told the police off. The next day my daughter got in trouble with the police and I thought my brother had been a bad influence on her. I ended up telling my dad about this because I knew my brother would tell him anyway if I talked to him and I wanted it to come from me. (I had asked my brother to call me but he never did.) Long story short, my dad calls what happened in my cousin's car "intrafamily drama" when in fact it was my brother telling an inappropriate story to a captive audience.

I am saying this to say that when I tried to address this to my dad he ignored me just like when I tried to point out to him that I had no say in when my daughter came home.

He has not replied to my email and I'm feeling very hurt. Lately I've noticed in his emails to me he has been condescending, making fun of my media choices. I tried to send him some pictures of my paintings and he didn't even acknowledge them. All he does is talk about smart other people are, what kind of careers they have, what kind of education they have.

Many people have said he is difficult, mean, callous.

I don't know what to do. Its painful. I feel rejected, unloved, unappreciated. When I saw him on Saturday he said "I looked great" but he hasn't responded to my email where I asked him if he thought I was responsible for my daughter coming home early from camp. I even told my daughter this and she asked me why he cared. That's a good question.

[Kwamina]

Hi unicorn2014,

I see you've also started another thread about this subject and you've gotten several replies there.

When you look back at your past experiences with your dad, would you say the 'silent treatment' is something he has applied before or is his acting this way really out of character for him? Has it happened before that he all of a sudden starts giving you the 'cold' treatment?

Being given the silent treatment is very hurtful and abusive. Here are some excerpts from an article about this subject:

Silence a.k.a. Withholding is the most damaging and hurtful form of verbal abuse. One might think that in order for the behavior to be considered verbal abusive words need to be spoken. This misunderstanding of verbal abuse adds to the recipient’s confusion within the relationship. The recipient of silence/withholding may believe the relationship is functional because the abuser may communicate functional information, but refuses—through silence/ withholding (non-responsive)—to communicate on an intimate level.

There needs to be more than an exchange of information. Healthy relationships require intimacy. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and be heard and to understand another’s feelings and experiences is empathetic comprehension. Intimacy in a relationship can not be achieved if one party is unwilling to share him/herself and is unwilling to be supportive of the other in an empathetic way. Silence/withholding enables the abuser to control and have Power Over while keeping his/her ideal image intact. The abuser’s ego construct is extremely fragile and without a stance of control and Power Over, the abuser’s feelings of powerlessness would be felt as an assault to their well constructed mode of functioning in what they consider a hostile world.

... .

Silence/withholding speaks louder than words and creates as much emotional damage as hostile words. Simply stated, silence/withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward another, to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference, control and Power Over.

The consequences of any form of verbal abuse may vary in intensity, depth and breadth. However the outcome of any form of verbal abuse impacts the receiver’s self-perception, emotional well-being and spiritual vitality. Verbal abuse takes the joy and vitality out of life through the distortions of reality, because the abuser’s response does not coincide with the sender’s communication.

You can read the entire article here:

Silence—The Ultimate Control and Power Over Another By Dorothy M. Neddermeyer, PhD